The last text Dss's Mum sent him was

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

'Fuck You, you little prick, We are done'.

He is 13. And the reason for that text was because she got drunk on her contact weekend and kicked him out. He had to hide in Someones garden till dp got there to pick him up (an hour away) and she was furious he had called home to be collected.

Today I have to take him to her funeral, My heart is breaking for him right now.

I am feeling every emotion possible, sadness, madness, relief that she can no longer make our lives a living hell, guilt for feeling relief, you name it I'm feeling it.

What I am feeling more than ever though is scared, I am terrified how this is going to effect him in future years, his last memories that she can never take back or apologise for.

He has shown absolutely no emotion about it all, nothing, no tears, no questions, he wanted nothing to do with arranging the funeral, did not want to send flowers. I know it hasn't hit him yet but when it will it will hit him hard.

We all knew she was going to end up killing herself if she didn't stop drinking, She had been in hospital so many times and warned so many times if she carried on that she would die. No one could help her, we all tried, she just couldn't help herself.

It really didn't have to end like this.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I just had to get it out.

I promise I will reply when I get back but right now I have to go and get ready to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thanks for reading

Bereavement and alcoholic abusive parents is a terrible mixture. He will need very skilled help to process and will likely not want it or think he needs it.

His 'normal' is so far from OK that he is very likely to have a lot of behavioural fallout.

The poor little boy.

Fuck. I can’t even imagine. Thank goodness he’s got you. Thinking of you all.

I have no words. Just love him super extra hard and let him know how amazing and loved he is.

Poor boy.

I would tell him the message was the drink, but I wouldn’t go overboard about ‘she loved him’.

Did she?

Was his experience that of feeling loved?

If not, I wouldn’t want him to feel as if he should be feeling sadder than he is, or expressing grief.

It’s OK for him to feel anger, relief, betrayed etc.

Whether she could help it or not, even if she had the disease of being alcoholic, the upshot is that she was not a good mum to him.

At his young age he shouldn’t have to make allowances unless he wants to.

I am so sorry you are all going through this.

Oh my goodness, how tragic. Poor boy.

I think the PPs suggestions of bereavement counselling are definitely worth considering. I am sure there will be waves of grief, anger, guilt. He’s lucky to have an extra adult in his corner. 💐

I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry for your step son and I hope he can move forward in life and be happy and ok after this. I also hope you and your husband can also be ok and able to provide him with the support that he might need in the future. It’s very very sad. I am sure your step son knows he’s loved by you and his father so he knows he is not alone and has support.

I am so very sorry to hear this, but please have hope that it will come right for him in time with your support and love. I know of a young man who lost his mother in a very similar circumstances, it wasn’t easy but he was brought up by his DGM and has done very well.

The school can be very helpful in accessing counselling, but agree with PP that it needs to be when he is ready. Thinking of you all at this difficult time.

He will need significant and enduring trauma informed therapy. Not only for her death. But for all that goes with an alcoholic/abusive parent.

You and your partner will need to be his safe harbour and help repair him. It will be hard.

I’m so very sorry for that little boy. But things can get better.

In time you could look at mentoring for him too.

Also. For all his mother’s faults. Never criticise her infront of him.

Poor poor boy. What a legacy for him.

Having been through something similar I suggest taking your lead from him. @EdgeOfTheSky has some good advice.

He will have a mix of emotions and doing the “oh she loved you, it was just an illness” line whilst well meaning could totally invalidate his emotions. He is allowed to be angry, relieved, ambivalent and many other emotions that a child losing a parent would not typically feel. By minimising her behaviour towards him it may make him feel like his feelings/ emotions are worthless and he deserves to be treated like that.

Hes lucky to have you and his dad by his side to support him on this awful journey.

You all have no idea how much these messages have hit me. The last time I posted on this board was 10 years ago when the problems started, I was accused of being the ow, told to butt out and mind my own business etc etc, you know, the same old stuff that gets spouted to step mothers constantly on this board.

I changed my name and never posted again after that.

I still dont know why I posted today but the support here is amazing, I havnt read all the replies but have skimmed, dp read some too and if he hadn't cried enough today you started him off again.

To clarify a few things, He was already receiving counselling,unfortunately it was something I had to sort out behind his mums back as when it was offered in court she refused to let him have it. I knew he needed it and needed someone neutral to talk to so I done it anyway. His counsellor came to visit at home last week and dp and I left them to it. She has told us it is far too early for anytime of grief counselling, but will work with him in the future when he is ready.

My own theory on this (which means shit really) is that he has already done a lot of grieving for his mum, the mum he knew and loved is not the mum he used to know. This last year has been awful and he has really seen her differently.

She loved him so much and we all know she did but the drink just took over.

He does know that it was the drink talking and not her, we have all told him, held him and assured him.

Thank you for all the links everyone has sent, I will have a look.

One final note, the service was absolutely beautiful,it was very small and personal and very honest which I think will help dss I the long run seeing he wasn't the only one affected by her behaviour.

OP, I have nothing more to add than has been said already, but wanted you to know I am very much thinking of your DSS tonight, and you and your DH. I hope (and I'm sure you will), that you can all move past this

Sending hugs to you all tonight, a heartbreaking post

There are support groups for teens affected by drinking, real life and online, he might find them helpful in the years ahead.

My friends kids were in very similar circumstances (except it was dad not mum) and I won't pretend it was plain sailing but they are well adjusted adults now.

He is lucky to have you, never forget how important you are when times are tough and ensure you get support too

She loved him so much and we all know she did but the drink just took over.

He does know that it was the drink talking and not her, we have all told him, held him and assured him.

I cried reading that top sentence OP so God knows how you are feeling right now. I think you are amazing and just want to say again that I think your DSS is very lucky to have you in his life.

You are doing everything that is best for him, OP.

Does he have good friends? Being with friends when times are tough is so important at his age.

So hard for him, and for you all.

Heartbreaking.

I hope you can keep posting and find support here.

Life is so precious and short.

You sound like an amazing and supportive wife and mother OP. Just keep doing what you are doing x

You sound like an amazing step mum, he's very lucky he has you in his life.

His mum didn't send him that text, alcohol did.

My heart breaks thinking of your stepson. I'm so glad he has a loving stepmom and a loving Dad. Thank you for caring. ❤️

Gosh, I’m sorry. Sending you all best possible wishes