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Original poster

The last text Dss's Mum sent him was

71 replies

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/10/2021 10:46

'Fuck You, you little prick, We are done'.

He is 13. And the reason for that text was because she got drunk on her contact weekend and kicked him out. He had to hide in Someones garden till dp got there to pick him up (an hour away) and she was furious he had called home to be collected.

Today I have to take him to her funeral, My heart is breaking for him right now.

I am feeling every emotion possible, sadness, madness, relief that she can no longer make our lives a living hell, guilt for feeling relief, you name it I'm feeling it.

What I am feeling more than ever though is scared, I am terrified how this is going to effect him in future years, his last memories that she can never take back or apologise for.

He has shown absolutely no emotion about it all, nothing, no tears, no questions, he wanted nothing to do with arranging the funeral, did not want to send flowers. I know it hasn't hit him yet but when it will it will hit him hard.

We all knew she was going to end up killing herself if she didn't stop drinking, She had been in hospital so many times and warned so many times if she carried on that she would die. No one could help her, we all tried, she just couldn't help herself.

It really didn't have to end like this.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I just had to get it out.

I promise I will reply when I get back but right now I have to go and get ready to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thanks for reading Flowers

OP posts:
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Noogar · 04/10/2021 10:51

I have no words but am sending supportive vibes Flowers

Wnikat · 04/10/2021 10:53

I'm so sorry. Hope it goes as ok as it can do.

He is lucky to have you, you sound like a wonderful stepmother.

Could you get him some counselling to help him process it all? Poor kid.

Raindancer411 · 04/10/2021 10:53

I have no words but sending a virtual hug

Gncq · 04/10/2021 10:54

Your poor step son Flowers
It sounds like you all did everything you could. I do hope he has a good support network as that is such a big thing to deal with as a child.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/10/2021 10:54

Poor lad.
It must be so hard.
Comfort him by telling him it was her illness talking.

Whether it was or not, it might bring him comfort to think it.

Sirzy · 04/10/2021 10:55

How awful.

I wonder if a charity like Winstons wish who deal with grief would be able to help provide you all with some support

Embracelife · 04/10/2021 10:55

He is lucky to have you.
He will need professional counselling and support
And you will too

SouthSideSally · 04/10/2021 10:56

That poor poor child. It sounds as though he has grown ups in his life who love him and will do what they can to support him. Try and get him mental health support as soon as possible and while he is young enough to possibly be receptive. Do a three prong attack - social services, school and GP. And sure you're doing this already but keep telling him that she loved him and it was her illness that was talking when she sent that message.

SouthSideSally · 04/10/2021 10:56

And you're feelings about the situation are totally valid. I'm so sorry. Flowers

PinkSyCo · 04/10/2021 10:57

Oh my God this is so so sad. Your poor DSS. I hope someone has at least sat him down and explained that his mum was very ill, she had a disease that made her drink and say and do things that she didn’t mean, but she did love him. The good news is he has a living stepmother as well as his dad, and if I were you I would strongly advise him to get some counselling when he feels ready and just heap loads of love on him. I hope the funeral goes well today Flowers

Mogloveseggs · 04/10/2021 10:57

Flowers for both of you that poor boy. He is very lucky to have you and his dad.

samwitwicky · 04/10/2021 10:58

Please arrange for some bereavement counselling for him. He will need help processing this and sometimes it's easier to speak to a stranger.

Sending you all hugs Thanks

Marblessolveeverything · 04/10/2021 10:58

Sorry to hear of your very sad situation. All you can do is be there for when it does hit.

When you have the opportunity look into supports for teens in the area who have been impacted by suicide. They may be able to direct you to services to help your family.

I have friends who experienced similar situation - mother had severe mental health issues. Ten years on and the children are doing well - think it took nearly a year for the children to process what had happened and then they were able to engage with the support. The reality is it is a life long impact but with support they will navigate it with their family beside them.

WTF475878237NC · 04/10/2021 10:59

How tragic. I'm so sorry for you all. The poor boy will likely need professional support but don't be surprised if he declines it until he is an adult or perhaps becomes a father and is confronted by all the emotions of the parent child dynamic and how let does he has been.

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 04/10/2021 10:59

I went through the exact same thing with my mum OP, right down to the insults/nastiness/kicking me out..

I really struggled with her funeral. It was hard because I felt sad, but relieved at the same time and I was scared to say that to anyone in case they thought I was being insensitive.

Just be there for him. Encourage him to speak his feelings, no matter what they are and that you'll always be on his side.

Sending warm, loving hugs to you all today Thanks

boogiewithasuitcase · 04/10/2021 11:00

I am so sorry, OP. I am glad he has you. DaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

ButterflyAway · 04/10/2021 11:03

No words I’m sorry, but sending love and strength to you all Flowers

NewtoHolland · 04/10/2021 11:04

Wishing you all every comfort at this awful time. I'm so glad that he reached out to his dad to collect him.
There is some amazing support out there through Alanon and Winston's wish if you have any spare money I would really recommend helping him to access some therapy, to help him have someone outside of the situation to talk to and to lessen the impact of the trauma. Xx

Gingernaut · 04/10/2021 11:06

All you can do is 'be there' for him.

A death like this will probably generate a lot of anger, as well as grief.

I'm so sorry for your troubles.

www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/children-young-people/

www.winstonswish.org/

www.childbereavementuk.org/

www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/a-z-guide/grief-and-loss/?acceptcookies=

FlorenceNightshade · 04/10/2021 11:06

Gut wrenching OP. As others have said he will benefit from counselling but you can also be his safe space. Let him know that any emotion he is feeling is ok. Even if it’s not one or numbness. Let him know it’s okay to feel ten things at once or none at all. Keep talking to him, you can share your feelings with him and your DH if he can.
But most of all let him know he is loved. Tell him and show him everyday.
Flowers

MichelleScarn · 04/10/2021 11:08

I am so sorry that all this is going on, I think @TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits has some fantastic advice for you.

SunshineCake1 · 04/10/2021 11:12

Bloody hell.

What an awful situation. Thank goodness your husband is a decent dad.

Just love him. It goes a long way.

itsgrand · 04/10/2021 11:12

ah christ OP that is heart wrenching! That poor lad x

He is going to have so many emotions flooding him for some time, he may be numb, angry, sad, relieved, feel guilty, my god that is just terrible.

He is lucky to have you in his life and you sound like you be there for him no matter what.
All you can do is hug him, tell him how much he is valued and that his mum had an illness that had nothing to do with him.
Look after him x
But also look after yourself as you may have similar emotions and it is going to be hard dealing with your dp perhaps having a level of grief for his ex too.

Sending the biggest warmest hug your way for your whole family xxxxx

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 04/10/2021 11:13

Oh that's heartbreaking....that poor boy 😪 You sound like a wonderful SM and my thoughts are with you all today

HeyDuddy · 04/10/2021 11:14

Reading this hit me in the gut. My dad died from alcohol when I was 13 and we ended on a terrible note too. From someone who has been there make sure he knows he is loved, that alcohol makes people say awful things and changes their character. Make sure he knows he did nothing wrong and hold space for him when the grief and anger hit. Counselling would be a great idea if he is open to it. Make sure the focus is on him now, e rhetoric can change after someone dies and for a child of an alcoholic that is hard- people talk about them in positive terms thinking it helps but that ignores the awful way they treated you. I ended up with PTSD after my dad died so I hope the advice above helps in some way.