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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

The last text Dss's Mum sent him was

71 replies

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/10/2021 10:46

'Fuck You, you little prick, We are done'.

He is 13. And the reason for that text was because she got drunk on her contact weekend and kicked him out. He had to hide in Someones garden till dp got there to pick him up (an hour away) and she was furious he had called home to be collected.

Today I have to take him to her funeral, My heart is breaking for him right now.

I am feeling every emotion possible, sadness, madness, relief that she can no longer make our lives a living hell, guilt for feeling relief, you name it I'm feeling it.

What I am feeling more than ever though is scared, I am terrified how this is going to effect him in future years, his last memories that she can never take back or apologise for.

He has shown absolutely no emotion about it all, nothing, no tears, no questions, he wanted nothing to do with arranging the funeral, did not want to send flowers. I know it hasn't hit him yet but when it will it will hit him hard.

We all knew she was going to end up killing herself if she didn't stop drinking, She had been in hospital so many times and warned so many times if she carried on that she would die. No one could help her, we all tried, she just couldn't help herself.

It really didn't have to end like this.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I just had to get it out.

I promise I will reply when I get back but right now I have to go and get ready to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2021 11:14

Bloody hell. How awful and tragic for everyone.

Make sure you’re looking after yourself as well, lean on friends if you can. You matter too

FWBNC · 04/10/2021 11:15

Poor kid xx

Getting in touch with places like Winstons wish will help you to help him.

There's so much for him to process, plus the guilt of feeling some of the way he feels. Usually counselling is better left a while, but WW will advise you what's best snd other people will be able to direct you to places (usually small charities) that are specifically for his situation.

It's going to be very hard got all of you, so you & DP need to look after yourselves/each other as well,

Don't feel awful for feeling some relief, it's normal & natural.

Big hugs for you all xx

cricketmum84 · 04/10/2021 11:17

That is really so sad. I'm sending a virtual handhold to help you all get through today. The poor kid. It will hit him at some point.

If you want to do something practical maybe have a read about supporting young people through bereavement and helping them to process their feelings so you are armed with some knowledge and support when the time comes. (I'm sure you have already thought of this!)

HopeHappy · 04/10/2021 11:19

I couldn't read and not respond. Your poor DSS. I can't even imagine the things going through his mind right now.

He's so lucky to have you and his DF in his life, supporting him. As you say, it will hit him at some point so all you can do is let him know you're there for him and be prepared with information/support for when he needs it.

Are you able to access bereavement counselling for him? I know it may not have hit him yet, but to start a conversation might just help him navigate what's to come.

Child Bereavement UK were of great support to someone I know.

I'm sorry for what he and you and your DH are having to go through today.

itsgrand · 04/10/2021 11:20

Can I also just gently say that counselling etc may well be required but for now he may just need some time with his own support network of family and friends to begin to try to process what has happened.

My husband lost his mother and had a terrible few months visiting and tending to the grave twice a day and people were telling me to get him bereavement counselling. My view was that it completely normal for him to be all over the place for a few months as he tried to process everything. He just needed some time and no amount of counselling was going to bring his mum back. He was understandably sad. Sometimes we are too quick to not understand the grieving process and try to fix it with outside help of bereavement counselling rather than strengthen the existing support networks in their lives. Your step son may well benefit from counselling of course but I'm just mindful of throwing that at someone straight away when what they are going through is completely expected and normal when they lose someone.

AnotherName456 · 04/10/2021 11:21

Noshowwithoutpunch · 04/10/2021 11:23

So sad.
You sound like an amazing woman with great strength, foresight and love.
Your strength is evident from your post and you sound prepared for the future and all it may bring.
Look after yourself. With you on his side looking out for him your DSS will be ok.

RiotAndAlarum · 04/10/2021 11:23

God, poor boy. His grief is going to be complicated by guilt and anger, so I hope you can help him get someone to help him deal with that. In the short term, though, has he deleted the message? I know it sounds a very petty thing to start with, but memories are easier to erode and contextualise without these external reminders (which never change, because they are not a memory), refreshing the pain and never fading.

Best wishes to him and you.

itsraininghere · 04/10/2021 11:30

Heartbreaking. Poor kid. Be there for him, help him get the support he needs and be kind to yourself, you sound wonderful and kind and strong.

Franklyfrost · 04/10/2021 11:40

As other have said Winston’s Wish is really helpful as a starting point, just give them a call and explain the situation. You can tell them ‘I don’t know what to do’ and they’ll help.

Peanutsandchilli · 04/10/2021 11:41

The poor, poor lad. That's absolutely unbelievable. Please get in touch with someone who can support him in a professional capacity because he's going to need it. You sound like a wonderful stepmum and I hope you continue to be strong for him when the shit inevitably hits the fan. All the best for today x

Embroidery · 04/10/2021 11:46

Oh my goodness.

Please be there for him, though thick and thin. It will get worse. The poor child is in deep shock. My son is 13 and theyre just babies really, dont 'adult' him in your mind. He's going to go through a lot in the next months and years to get through this.

I would seek professional counselling. Private if you can afford it, as private is quickly accessed without waiting lists. Around here its £125 for assessment, then £45 per hour.

You sound lovely btw x Stay strong

Tattler2 · 04/10/2021 12:00

Such a very sad situation. In even the most loving of situations, the last words spoken can be an argument or angry retort. Few people get to know that these are going to be their last words.

At age 13 , without realizing it, he is probably very angry with his mother for dying. This is a fairly normal response. Most young people do not have sufficiently developed responses and resources to help them properly process death.

Please get him some professional help or grief counseling. As bad as the relationship was with his mother, alcoholism is an illness and should be recognized as such. With help, he will learn to remember both the positive and negative experiences with his mother and come to understand that her behavior in large measure was driven by her illness.

He is fortunate to have you as you seem very concerned about his future adjustment.

Bluetrews25 · 04/10/2021 12:00

Sending you all love and strength.
Grief and relief is a bittersweet combination. Then comes the guilt at feeling relieved. You know all this, OP. It will take time to adjust to the new normal.
Hope you can feel the MN support and love through the ether.

Pythonesque · 04/10/2021 12:17

I agree he is going to need a lot of support; but this must be what he needs and when he needs it. Throwing him into counselling straight away might not be what he needs today (but if it is then please help him access it).

Being there for him, letting him talk when he wants to, allowing him not to talk when he doesn't want to, giving him his own space if he needs it and hugs if he needs them, that's where it will be to start with.

This isn't something that can be fixed in 6 months, either, and I think the OP knows that.

Sending my best wishes too.

AnkleDeep · 04/10/2021 12:19

Sending you strength.

This was my cousin. He was unable to stop drinking, despite interventions, periods in clinic and dry months. His wife couldn't let their children suffer further so left him. He spiralled and drank himself to death.

His children, however, are now young adults with happy lives. It took a while and some therapy but they have jobs, homes and partners.

I wish the same for DSS.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 04/10/2021 12:21

Such a tender age. Alcoholism is a terrible illness.

SparryG · 04/10/2021 12:24

This is probably the saddest thing I've read in a while. My heart is aching for that child. Sending love and strength to you. I am so so so glad he has you. Dont doubt how important you are and will be for this boy and never doubt that you have all you require inside yourself to get through this
Much love xx

Lougle · 04/10/2021 12:24

That is so sad. I'm glad he's got you.

HyacynthBucket · 04/10/2021 12:41

Poor child. So much good advice on here, OP about not rushing into counselling at first - grief is normal and not something to be "cured", though Winstons Wish for young bereaved may help to support him, particularly as this was a suicide. Please let him know that his mother was seriously ill, and that last awful message was because of her illness talking. Hoping he will be OK, and that you both get through this difficult day, Wishing you and him love. Its so good he has you.

StaplesCorner · 04/10/2021 12:53

Another vote here for contacting Winstons Wish or similar. My mum died when I was 13 and I showed no emotion at all but I’m nearly 60 and the lack of support from then still affects me. It sounds like this lad has you and his Dad though and that’s what’ll see him through.

Ellie56 · 04/10/2021 12:53

So,so sad. That poor child. But at least he has you.

And because he has you (and his dad) he will get through this in time and be OK in the end.

Foolsrule · 04/10/2021 13:02

Horrendous. Great you’re able to step up and help now, OP. Just out of interest, why was he able to stay with her so long if she behaved as you describe? Or did he live with you and was visiting his mum when he was kicked out?
As a child of an alcoholic, I don’t buy all the disease stuff. I know many will disagree. My DF chose alcohol over his family. He just didn’t want to stop. Unpopular perhaps but that’s how me and my siblings feel.

Notverygrownup · 04/10/2021 13:03

Oh bless him.

When you have the opportunity, please tell him that you don't want to interfere, but just want him to know that it is OK for him to feel anything at all. There are no right or wrong ways to react. He can feel angry, he can feel sad, he can feel relieved, he can feel nothing at all. And he can feel one way one day, and then another another day. That's OK too.

This will be a long journey for him, and it will be great if he can name his feelings at some stage, to start to process them, but for now, all he needs to do is cope with each day at a time, and know that however he is feeling, that's normal.

Others have suggested bereavement counselling, but if you haven't been in touch with AlAnon, it may be helpful for him one day to look at their website, and to understand that it wasn't his mother saying that to him in the text, it was the drink. And she didn't choose to drink, even though it seems as if she put drink before all else. She was suffering from an illness one of the effects of which is to make you seem the most selfish person on earth.

It's so good that he has you and his dad on his side. Sending you all good wishes.

JanglyBeads · 04/10/2021 13:19

Well done for supporting him. He won’t just need bereavement support but support because he’s been abused.

Try looking at this website:
www.naotp.com/who-we-are

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