Stepson behaviour

[Anonymouth]

I have a very-nearly-teenage stepson who lives with us full time. I’ve been in his life since he was around 9 and have been married to his Mum for the last year.
He has ASD but attends mainstream schooling, no academic or behavioural input at school or otherwise. No exclusions or teacher calls about any issues at school.

She has 100% custody of him, he doesn’t see his father at all.

He also has a sibling a few years younger and we have a baby on the way (same sex marriage, I’m carrying the new baby and have 15 weeks to go).

Pre-teen’s behaviour is making my life a misery. I do a lot for both of the kids - washings, ironings, making meals, packed lunches, taking them to their clubs, homework help.
I also contribute 50% of the household outgoings which includes their upkeep, phone contracts etc.

The issue is, in my opinion, the pre-teen’s behaviour is borderline abusive.

He will constantly swear (he’ll call us bitches, cows, f*king idiots) as well as threaten violence (“I’ll come over there and punch your face in”). He’ll call his sibling a m*o and a s*z. He’ll slam doors, stamp his feet all over the house and is generally incredibly unpleasant to be around.

Generally this behaviour happens when he doesn’t get his own way or it’s time to do his very, very limited chore. This chore takes less than five minutes once every two days and is how he earns his pocket money.

He’ll refuse to do age-appropriate things like put his clean washing in his drawer, to make his bed, to put hangers away after getting dressed. He’ll eat snacks in his bedroom, leave the wrappers on the floor then we’ll get a barrage of abuse when we tell him to take them to the bin.

He’ll tell me “if you want that done, you do it”.

At other times, he’ll do the above without any issue. His mood can switch so quickly and I dread him coming home from school every day. It gives me anxiety just thinking about the door opening.

It’s also putting a strain on my relationship with my wife. She’s telling me to let her deal with it (usually in the way of taking his phone away for a set period of time), but I’m finding it very hard to accept that I have to put up with whatever he wants to throw at me, and can’t intervene. I feel like he’s laughing at us and becoming bolder every day.

I’m worried about bringing a baby into a house where someone thinks he rules the roost like this. I’m also worried that his behaviour will escalate into real violence where someone will get hurt.

It’s becoming more of an option that I look for a place for me and the baby, for when the time comes. It breaks my heart to think like that but I feel very cornered and don’t know what else to do.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before?

Does DSS have a formal diagnosis?
If so, there should be a section in the diagnostic report detailing what educational and therapeutic help was recommended by the clinician.

DSS should have an IEP - Individual Education Report.
This is a statutory requirement for children with a formal diagnosis. Do not be persuaded otherwise by school.

This should detail the type of educational, social and behavioural problems he faces. & the practical / therapeutic help being offered. This should be reviewed termly, noting what has helped (or not) and other approaches being considered.

Teen behaviour can be crappy and coupled with any problematic neuro diverse thinking can exacerbate issues.

There are options.

1. Look at report and ask school what they have implemented. Is it working? There should be actions for parents to work on at home.
2. Have school noticed any behavioural or educational problems which may be causing poor behaviour?
3. Does DSS have friends? What kind of friends? People with ASD can struggle to make and maintain friendships. They can also be a target for bullies and those taking advantage of their lack of social understanding ie the class clown or doing their bullying for them.

You and DW need to have consistent techniques. Have you met with a clinician to help formulate these at home?

Does your DW accept that DS has behavioural issues / ASD? This is a life long condition and these kids need to find good coping mechanisms and behaviours. It gets so much harder as they get older. Other kids / teens are not always kind. The move into adult life will be harder for them.

If you have tried the above, then there is no shame in keeping separate homes. Having a child with behavioural issues / SEND is hard. If you’re not together on this, the pressure is huge. At least with separate houses you could offer respite to the middle sibling.

Hi @Anonymouth, I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult time.

When I was pregnant, my fuse with my own DSC did become shorter. Your DSS does sound out of control, but it’s also important to recognise that your feelings do change when you’re carrying your own DC.

The first step is always to communicate this to your wife. It helps to come onto Mumsnet and get the words out - to know that you can. Some of our responses will certainly help you refine what you need to say in order to minimise hurt and maximise your point.

I can see you’ve had conversations before but this is different now, because you are talking about leaving.

Life must have had a lot of upheavals for DSS. Baby might just feel like another one. And with mum having 100% custody, there’s no change of pace or “escape” for him. Try to empathise with his position, as he is just a child, and a child with ASD.

Is there any kind of respite available? A grandparent? Aunt?

And what reward systems do you have in place for when behaviour is good? Pocket money works for sure. What else does he want that you could reward him with? My SS is obsessed with gaming…
Most children respond well to an “all carrot and no stick” approach. Super Nanny would call this “bribery” and say it is bad parenting. …works in our house though!

Some other mums here might have some good ideas of how to coax out good behaviour and ignore (with a view to stamping out) bad behaviour. If you have some concrete ideas to offer your wife, the conversation will feel much more productive.

Leaving your family unit should be the final choice. Talk to your wife!

Thinking of you.

You say your wife says to leave her to deal with it, but what is her actual stance on the situation? Is she saying that because she doesn't want you having a say, or to spare you the trouble? I would struggle to live with this behaviour too, but I think a lot depends on your wife and how she acts around the situation, in terms of whether I could stay. Does she recognise how much strain the situation is putting you under?

@AuntyFungal

He was diagnosed around age 5-6 after his behaviours at school became intolerable for his teacher and classmates. I didn’t know him back then so I’m not sure how bad it was, but by all accounts it was dreadful.

I think if he does have an IEP in place it’ll have nothing in it as I’ve never known my wife to be contacted for an update to this. It wouldn’t surprise me if it hadn’t been updated for years. He very much falls into the grey area where he can cope in mainstream schooling, is academically in line with his peers and behaves fine at school, so I think it’s maybe overlooked.

He does have friends, although I’d use that term loosely. It’s hard to say what goes on when you’re not there but I very much get the impression that his friends will pick him up and drop him at their will and will maybe spend time with him when nobody else is available.

Equally, though, he will target other kids for his enjoyment - single someone out and make a fool of them on the PlayStation chat and so on. He’ll hit younger kids that live nearby us, yet would never speak that way to his peers.

Similarly, he’ll speak to us like dirt but would never use those terms around kids his own age. I think he knows they’d probably punch his lights out.

I agree entirely that he has to find coping mechanisms. If he ever wants to complete school, go into further education and have employment, then he needs to learn how to manage himself appropriately.

I find myself often unable to tell whether ASD is the reason for the things he does, or if he is just badly behaved.

@PeeAche

Your feelings do change when you’re pregnant, don't they? You’re absolutely right.

We do our best to include both of the kids in baby things - name suggestions, joking about who’ll change their nappy. He does seem really keen to have a new arrival. I can’t help but worry for my baby that the door slamming, shouting etc will negatively affect them.

Equally, I don’t want them growing up in a house where they hear their parents being called cows and bitches.

He’s shown a lot of disregard for our dog. We tell him he’s scaring her with his behaviours and he responds with “good” or “so what?”.

I don’t want to worry that he’d hurt the baby, but I can’t help it. I feel bad even typing this.

Ignoring him does work to an extent. He’ll say deliberately provocative things and we’ll give no response. It’s beyond frustrating at times.

I absolutely don’t want to break up my family, I’m just at a loss as to how to proceed. I’m not sure I can live my whole life like this.

@aSofaNearYou

I think it’s because she feels that she is his parent and she will deal with it. That’s fair enough, she’s correct about that, but the comments, threats and general behaviours are directed at me too. Not just her.

I find it hard to accept that I have to just put up with whatever he throws at me until she intervenes. I’m an adult who’s facing being controlled by a child if I want to avoid clashing with my wife. It’s a rock/hard place scenario.

I’m certain that he’s aware of all of that too, which makes it all the worse. She does intervene and will tell him not to speak to me the way he does, but that’s usually met by a “I’ll do whatever I f***g want, you idiot” to her too. He’s relentless at times.

It also makes me wonder, when our baby comes, do I still have no right to intervene or have a say? I can’t contemplate that I’ll have a newborn baby and won’t be able to speak up when someone’s screaming the house down or slamming doors around them.

So by that do you mean she is angry at you if you step in? You should definitely have a say when the baby is born. You should have a say now - her being the parent should mean that she will take the brunt of it if you want to step back, not that you should have to put up with things in silence if you WANT a say. Be careful about buying into that narrative, it's a slippery slope and it isn't healthy.

Hard one very hard one. I find non typical neurological children need firmer boundaries not looser ones. The way he acts with his peers shows that he does know how to behave but is choosing not to.

The question is - what do you want from your wife. Do you feel like your hands are tied when she says leave it to me? Do you feel the punishment as such fits the crime. I would say this to anyone blended family or not. You have to be on the same page on your wife on what's acceptable and what is not and as behaviour escalates how do you escalate the "punishment"

non typical neurological typically test boundaries more no less. You can be kind but also have firm boundaries. You have to stick to them because these types of kids don't have that base line knowledge of why certain things aren't ok.

With the dog you cannot force him to be empathetic to the dog, but you can for instance remove something he values for a long enough time for him to care about it if you do take it away. This means consistently between your wife and you. You have to communicate.

You are entitled to feel safe in your own home. Period

@aSofaNearYou

Yeah, she gets angry. I’m almost always the bad one when it happens because I’m getting on at her, not letting her do it her way etc. I think she maybe feels like it’s her fault that he behaves this way.

[quote Anonymouth]@aSofaNearYou

Yeah, she gets angry. I’m almost always the bad one when it happens because I’m getting on at her, not letting her do it her way etc. I think she maybe feels like it’s her fault that he behaves this way.[/quote]
I thought as much, and tbh this is the crux of the issue. Kids behave badly, sometimes in a big way, but it can be withstood if the adults are a team and support each other. She is not doing this if she is getting angry at you for doing anything in the face of the difficult position SHE has put you in. I'd say in a less obvious, more adult way, she's disrespecting you as much as her son is.

@candlelightsatdawn

That’s what I thought too - that his filtered behaviour around certain people suggests that he picks and chooses his times to act so badly. If it was entirely out of his control, surely he’d do it with everyone.

I guess my most pressing issue is the safety of the baby when they arrive. It plays on my mind a lot that he might deliberately hurt them, slam doors to wake them up etc. I don’t want to be this anxious, depressed, hopeless parent because of someone else’s behaviours.

I don’t know how my wife will be when the baby is here. I wish I did know. I’ve been saying to her since we got pregnant that this was a worry for me and I’ve been told that it won’t be a problem, that he won’t behave like that with the baby.

I’d love to say that I had her confidence.

I know exactly what you mean. I wouldn’t be posting any of this if we had a more united approach.

One where, if he acts badly towards either of us, the consequences are the same.

I’d love him to know that neither of us will stand by and watch the other be treated badly by anyone - least of all a child.

The united approach is just not happening at the moment and he knows that. That knowledge may even contribute to the behaviour, perhaps.

Personally I feel that we have a responsibility to shape him into a responsible, decent human.

I’m maybe being a drama queen but given a few years of growth, he’ll be physically bigger, heavier and stronger than us. The potential for escalation into a man who bullies his family is real.

I also worry about how he might treat future girlfriends because he feels like he can.

You need to talk to your wife OP, you absolutely need to be a team when you have a baby even without a stroppy teenager in the mix so I would be wanting to make some changes now, before baby arrives. I'd go at it from that angle, that you need to be united on everything or it will make the newborn stage harder on everyone than it needs to be. The baby is obviously going to change the family dynamic so it's a good time to reevaluate how you both want things to work and make sure you're on the same page.

Have you ever tried broaching the fact that you feel DW may blame herself for DSS's behaviour? It might be really good for her to hear that you don't see it that way and that you want to work with her to improve things.

@CoasterCoaster

I agree with all of that. I’ve brought up his behaviours to her since the beginning of the pregnancy and been told that it won’t happen, that we’ll cross that bridge if we ever get to it. Well, we’re almost at it and I’m worried that if I bring it up again she’ll just tell me that if I don’t like it, I should leave.

I do want to be on the same page, and if we can’t work out how to do that then it’s best I leave now, before the baby is born and I can get myself settled elsewhere.

RE the responsibility. I know in the past she has felt that the consequences of his behaviours always come back to her - after all, she’s the one perceived as the bad parent, the lazy Mum who lets her kid away with murder etc.

Well, she is letting him get away with murder.

My middle DD is Autistic and she wouldn’t get away with talking to me or her sisters like that, and I’d be doing more than removing her phone.

As soon as he starts verbally abusing anyone in the house, measures need to be taken.

Is there a trigger that can be identified and managed?

@Mombie2021

There’s no clear trigger except when he’s asked to do something outside of his preferred activities (drawing, gaming etc). If he’s asked to put his clean washing away, to get changed for bed etc, that’s all it takes.

In fact, if he walks past and you happen catch his eye, it’s enough to get a “What is it? What you looking at?”. Sometimes it’s entirely unprovoked and he’ll tell me to “get my dinner on” or complain that his clean washing isn’t being returned fast enough to him.

My wife absolutely does not tolerate that kind of talk. The disrespectful way he likes to speak to us like we’re members of his staff makes my blood boil. Does he talk to teachers in school like that? Of course not.

What sort of consequence/punishment line do you take? I appreciate ASD is different for all but I’d love any ideas. Particularly if your daughter acted like how I’ve described.

It’s tricky because she can’t read facial expressions or tones of voice very well, so when she does kick off, it’s generally down to that. But she goes from 0-100 in seconds at times so mostly I have to calm her down and then clarify myself.

However if she were speaking to me/siblings like dirt for no discernible reason, she would lose all her tech plus other things that she likes until she realised that it’s unacceptable.

There’s a difference between what’s the ND and what’s their personality and finding those differences are key.

@Mombie2021

That’s what I find so difficult - separating him being badly behaved and any influence from his condition. I feel like anyone who says anyone with ASD or similar is simply being badly behaved is instantly labelled as being cruel, ill informed etc.

He actually can read and respond to facial expressions, body language etc. He knows when we’re purposefully ignoring him or not rising to his bait. It makes me think he has good insight into his behaviour, and could therefore control or stop it altogether.

He absolutely knows right from wrong and is the first to tell on his sibling if they do anything wrong. I think he thrives from the drama, the atmosphere, the fun of making people feel scared or intimidated.

Hey this sounds all very stressful for you all and must be so difficult when your pregnant and your concerns are valid.

You said its when he is asked to do something. My child with autism has PDA profile it's essentially an anxiety driven need for control and triggered by normal every day demands have a look on the PDA society website for more information and strategies. Normal autism strategies just don't work for children with PDA so rewards charts and systems would just fuel the fire as cause them more anxieties it's a whole different ball game and requires a lot of walking on egg shells, picking your battles, rewording demands so they don't sound like demands and reverse psychology.

@Catcrazylifter

Thanks, I’ll have a look at that tonight!

Would it be typical that he can cope with demands placed on him by teachers at school, homework deadlines etc, yet not a request to pick up wrappers he’s dumped on his floor?

I do actually try to word things as best I can. I’ll say things like “come over and we’ll get these wrappers picked up before your mum sees!”.

Walking on egg shells seems accurate. That’s exactly how it feels.

I would leave if I were you.

Have you and your wife tried talking to him when he's in a more calm mood about his behaviour. Maybe a counsellor could help.

You and your wife need to agree ground rules and sticking to them. A tech (not just his phone needs to be removed)

He can't continue with abusive behaviour to you both, or continue hitting kids in the street.

Maybe a rota that chores are to be done as soon as he gets hom from school, leaving him an uninterrupted evening to game or chat on his playstation.
Maybe up the reward, for every month he does all chores without argument he gets a voucher towards buying new playstation games.

Is there any reason his father doesn't see him, could this be reinstated, even one weekend a month would give respite. If not his father, his grand parents or aunts/uncles from both sides of his family.

On top of ASD he also has teenage hormones running wild, and probably some angst about no contact with his father, but a counsellor would be able to get that out of him

Yeah he would. A lot of children will mask in school and because they are holding it together in the classroom when they come home and are in an environment and with people they feel safe and secure with you will get the fallout from them holding it together throughout the day at school.

It's really difficult there is no sugar coating it my child is the same goes from 0 to 60 and the violence is unacceptable in our house as well the only thing I can do is walk away and then go back when they have calmed down and reinforce that it's unacceptable and that they need to find another outlet and way to cope because like you my child is getting bigger and there's also no support from agencies some still don't even know about PDA or recgonnise it as a condition

Easier said than done but it's trying to anticipate those meltdowns and when their anxious and talking them round or finding a way for them to destress themselves my child likes bubblewrap so I will bring that over and he can pop and trp it apart and gets their tension out and finding ways to distract them to bring them back round when on the edge of a meltdown.

PDA would have been my next suggestion, it is slowly being recognised as potential part of Autism rather than a condition of its own, though.

I have to frame any requests to DD in the correct way or BOOM. She is 10 and fully in puberty (elder DD started periods just after she turned 11 and middle DD is a few months shy of 11) so this has been turned on it’s head again and things that have worked the last few years now don’t work.

The demands of a school day and masking are so draining for her that she goes straight upstairs to have a shower, then hides in her sensory den for at least an hour before coming down to interact with us (there is also younger DD who is 5).

I make everyone’s dinner, she can either eat it with us or on her own. 9/10 she eats with us.

Fortunately she has no homework as that’s part of what her SENCO has set up (she’s in Y6).

She spends a lot of time drawing and reading and has limited time on the iPad. She struggles to sleep so is up later than 13YO - usually sleeps around 11pm. I’ve not long been awarded DLA for her so I’m waiting for a weighted blanket to arrive and the Paediatrician has asked me to consider melatonin, so ExDP and I will be discussing that this weekend.

Sunday mornings are when we do chores - bringing her laundry down, tidying her bedroom. She’s not able to do it more than once a week and I honestly don’t care how untidy her bedroom is any more, it’s not important in the grand scheme.

The language needs to be addressed, it’s gross and misogynistic.

I’m a fan of a good swear myself and as such I don’t tell DD off if she’s in her bedroom screaming “fuuuuuuuuuuck” into a pillow (usually after she’s made a mistake drawing) but if she aimed that language at me or her sisters she would get sent upstairs to calm down.

I don’t tolerate bigoted language of any form.

Violence - the amount of times I’ve been covered in bruises and scratches etc from her I can’t count, and they mostly occurred because I had to stop her from attacking her sisters - she is far stronger than even her elder sister. The past 2 years have been a lot calmer violence wise, but the last few months she has been seriously self harming and is now in under CAMHS for it