Stepson behaviour

[Anonymouth]

I have a very-nearly-teenage stepson who lives with us full time. I’ve been in his life since he was around 9 and have been married to his Mum for the last year.
He has ASD but attends mainstream schooling, no academic or behavioural input at school or otherwise. No exclusions or teacher calls about any issues at school.

She has 100% custody of him, he doesn’t see his father at all.

He also has a sibling a few years younger and we have a baby on the way (same sex marriage, I’m carrying the new baby and have 15 weeks to go).

Pre-teen’s behaviour is making my life a misery. I do a lot for both of the kids - washings, ironings, making meals, packed lunches, taking them to their clubs, homework help.
I also contribute 50% of the household outgoings which includes their upkeep, phone contracts etc.

The issue is, in my opinion, the pre-teen’s behaviour is borderline abusive.

He will constantly swear (he’ll call us bitches, cows, f*king idiots) as well as threaten violence (“I’ll come over there and punch your face in”). He’ll call his sibling a m*o and a s*z. He’ll slam doors, stamp his feet all over the house and is generally incredibly unpleasant to be around.

Generally this behaviour happens when he doesn’t get his own way or it’s time to do his very, very limited chore. This chore takes less than five minutes once every two days and is how he earns his pocket money.

He’ll refuse to do age-appropriate things like put his clean washing in his drawer, to make his bed, to put hangers away after getting dressed. He’ll eat snacks in his bedroom, leave the wrappers on the floor then we’ll get a barrage of abuse when we tell him to take them to the bin.

He’ll tell me “if you want that done, you do it”.

At other times, he’ll do the above without any issue. His mood can switch so quickly and I dread him coming home from school every day. It gives me anxiety just thinking about the door opening.

It’s also putting a strain on my relationship with my wife. She’s telling me to let her deal with it (usually in the way of taking his phone away for a set period of time), but I’m finding it very hard to accept that I have to put up with whatever he wants to throw at me, and can’t intervene. I feel like he’s laughing at us and becoming bolder every day.

I’m worried about bringing a baby into a house where someone thinks he rules the roost like this. I’m also worried that his behaviour will escalate into real violence where someone will get hurt.

It’s becoming more of an option that I look for a place for me and the baby, for when the time comes. It breaks my heart to think like that but I feel very cornered and don’t know what else to do.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before?

Very common to mask at school and struggle with demands at home
Also when puberty hits it can be very anxiety provoking for children with autism - as it's a time of such change -the new baby will also be causing anxiety which could be showing as this challenging behaviour
I would really try and set some boundaries and ensure you and your partner are being consistent but also try and focus on his positive qualities even if you really really have to look for them ! He may be using these behaviours as a way of getting attention so if at all possible minimise the attention unwanted behaviour gets and focus on the positives.
Does he need more routine and structure ? This could help if he is feeling anxious
Also be realistic my teenagers are very lazy and rubbish at picking up after themselves so think about what is typical twelve year old grumpy precteen stuff and what is definitely unacceptable .

Thanks for all the replies, everyone!

There seems to be a common vein of advice in relation to setting ground rules and both of us being on the same page in enforcing them.

I think he does have good structure in place. Wake up time, going to school time, home time, dinner and bedtime are all set and I think it helps us all in managing the day.

His time on electronics is also limited as we’d noticed that too much time was making him argumentative at bedtime, crying when he couldn’t get online…almost like an dependency was developing.

We actually spoke to him tonight, together, and explained that we won’t tolerate any of this. We talked about the new baby and how his current behaviours might scare them or make them cry.

This seemed to really hit a nerve, which is what we had hoped for. Something to make him step back and take notice that very soon he’ll be a big brother to a tiny, defenceless little person and that we’ll be looking to him to guide the little one rather than them being scared around him.

Thank you for all of the input, I’m hoping that we’ll be able to turn a corner soon.

@Anonymouth so this phrase is trotted out so so many times on here as a unhelpful comment but you and your wife need to go to couples counselling if your most recent talk with DSS doesn't hold water.

His behaviour is concerning but so is your wife's. Sounds like you want to make it work but remember you can't play a game of tug of war if the other isn't pulling the rope. She is saying if you don't like it leave which is well as good but pregnancy makes you vulnerable. Watch out for people who exploit your vulnerability when it suits them (not just supportive things are good)

There are people who have this condition that know right from wrong, your DSS clearly knows it too. Your wife doesn't and she's enabling the behaviour which is in turn making it worse.

It comes down to what does your wife really want, to fix this or to lose you. That's the bottom line.

I really hope you guys work this out - relate is really great for counselling I wouldn't right off that if you go it's over. Sometimes people need a outside perspective for them to realise the damage their actions or inactions are doing !

He sounds like a nightmare. He's pretty much terrorising you in your own home. I hope the talk has hit home and he'll make some changes, because I couldn't live there any more of I were in your position.

You need peace while you're pregnant, not this child who is so rude and nasty.

Has anyone ever spoken to this child about how he feels about not having his father in his life? Is it possible that he blames his mother for his father's absence, and blames you as well by default?

He is at an age where he might in most situations have expected to have a father involved in his life in a substantive way. This could possibly be what is triggering some of the angry and belligerent behavior.

It seems as though he might benefit from spending some time with a behavioral therapist or counselor. At his age, he may have confusing and conflicted thoughts about same sex relationships particularly as he is reaching an age where he may begin to have thoughts about his own sexuality.

How has ss behaved since the chat?

Hope all's been better.