My pathetic vent

[FTstepmum]

I've been a full-time SM to 4 gorgeous SC (aged 6 to 13) for three years. I left my family, friends, career and home city to marry my DH and raise the children with him.

I made the right decision - I adore them and my DH and vice-versa. That said, it was a major wrench leaving everything I knew and loved to move 150 miles away to this small backwater community.

Their mother left them all in 2015 to live with her boyfriend and focus on her career, leaving my DH to work and raise the children (then aged 6 months to 8 years) on his own - until we met and married.

She visits them 3 times a year for one day and spends a fortune on them when she does - though it's been a year since her last visit.

Other than these occasional visits, she has never written or called to speak with the children, including on their birthdays and Christmas.

She messaged DH out of the blue today asking if they want to see her this Saturday. Most of the children excitedly said they wanted to, saying "I love her! She always takes us to really fun places!"

This is the bit where I get pathetic and feel put out. I understand she's their mother, but she does no mothering or caring for them. I feel that she doesn't deserve their affection and it hurts to know that she doesn't care for them anywhere near enough.

I just wanted to vent and say I'm upset by it.

There. Done it. Thanks if you read this far. Xxx

Yep that's really crap. I feel for you. Which mother do you think the children are going to remember as 'being there' for them though in years to come? Keep on keeping on, the life of a mother is not complete if you don't feel unappreciated by them at some point! 💗

Thanks Raspberry 💖 your message is just the tonic (or cordial) I need. X

Totally crap for you right now but as PP said, they will realise in the future who was there for them.

Totally crap for you, she is the equivalent to a Disney dad.. She's basically bought her children's affection. I'm sure the children love you just as much too, you're the one who puts a plaster on their knee they fall, they gives them a cuddle when they're upset, that talks to them about their days.. That's priceless in my eyes. Try not to feel too bad about it all, it's not worth it.. She sees them 3 times a year, if they know they'll be spoilt they will naturally be excited, there's no competition..
You give step mums a good name. X

It's a bit like how my LO gets excited seeing dad when I've been with them all day. You are solid, dependable, reliable. That's very important and the fact you feel like they take you for granted almost is a good thing, you will always be there, their security.

My children see their father twice a year (he moved to another country after we split) - like your SCs mum, he spends a lot on them when he visits and they are always excited and pleased to see him, he is never on the receiving end of their attitude, laziness, inability to pick up their own socks etc, and i feel bad about it but then I remind myself that these day to day experiences are a privilege. They are what make up our lives. In jokes, funny day to day memories, quirks - she won’t share any of those. In years to come these are the things you remember. You’re doing a wonderful job as their sm allowing them to feel and express their excitement at seeing her without guilt.

You're the mum they'll remember xx

It’s rubbish but try to look to the future. They will remember you getting them ready after swimming lessons/going to parents night/ cooking their dinner/coming into your bed when they had bad dreams. And they will remember her showing up to splash the cash like an indulgent auntie instead of a mum.

In the long term (when they’re older I mean) they’ll realise that what you did for them can’t be bought and is really priceless.

I understand she's their mother, but she does no mothering or caring for them. I feel that she doesn't deserve their affection and it hurts to know that she doesn't care for them anywhere near enough.

I also think it would help if you can link these two things in your head. They are excitable and affectionate to her because she doesn’t care, not in spite of it. They are putting on their ‘best selves,’ but with you they know your love is unconditional so they can occasionally be grumpy/whingy/annoying and still feel confident that you’ll love them just the same for the real them.

My ex lavished money but no time or love on our dc.
They went nc with him in time..

I'm sat here crying after reading these lovely messages of support and recognition. Thank you SO much - I feel heard and significant. Xxx

Of course they're excited to see her but I bet if they have a problem or need some love they run to you. When the children are older they will appreciate what you've done for them.

That sounds so so tough. Just remember when the shit hits the fan (nothing terrible I hope but you know first heartbreak etc) who are they going to turn to? Also, you’ll be the one they talk to their children about (if they have any) and model their parenting/mothering on.

I'm in awe of people like you who take on kids that have essentially been abandoned and assume the parental role. You're their mum. Mum is such a special word to me. Mum is the one who has bought you up. Mother is the one who gave birth to you.
I honestly don't know how a mother who has choices can abandon her children. But, had she not walked out of their lives, they wouldn't have met you.
Just keep remembering that you're the one who has bought them up, everything good and positive about them will be because they have you as their mum and their role model. X

The children are so lucky to have you in their lives. They will realise this for themselves in time.

She is their mother and as they mature they will understand who has done what. Admitting your parent is "crap" and obviously not interested in you except on celebration days is a huge huge admission.
My eldest 14 is becoming vocal, he will openly criticise how his father has been a parent or not - when he is good and when he is bad.

It hurts now but they will get it - it pisses me off when their DF takes them out for the day and they have a great day. Which it absolutely should not and I am happy for them but he missed the teeth cleaning, homework, shower, tidy up and tantrums that is everyday life - not the helicopter parenting.

You get the smiles, the little giggles, the spontaneous hugs - believe me they know.

OP, the wonderful thing about the human heart Is that it has an expansive ability to love. You love these children and they likely know it. Kids have a primal desire to be loved by their parents. The mom probably loves them in the manner and way in which she is most capable. Sadly that is not very much. You love them in the way and manner in which you are most capable.

The only way that these children will suffer is if they are made to feel that there is something inadequate in the way and manner in which they are loved.

At the moment, it seems that they feel love from and for all of the important adults in their lives. That makes them so much better off than so many kids who fell unloved or inadequately loved. It sounds as though the 3 of you have managed to create a loving circle for these kids.

The mom on some level probably appreciates all that you do for her children. She probably is very aware of her limitations as a parent. Being incapable of being an adequate parent does not mean that she does not love her children and the fact that you did not give birth to these children does not mean that you love them less.

These children seem to be very fortunate, and you should all be happy that in spite of this atypical arrangement the children seem to be secure in the love that you are all providing.

Do not worry or wonder about the future ; the future does not hold any guarantees for anyone.

Exactly as raspberry cordial said. Those kids will realise when they are older what a waste of space she is. Takes a special kind of monster to do what she did, and act as she does now. It's wonderful that they have you and hopefully that limits the mental impact now and later on adult realisation of what she did. I would not want to be her in old age😒. Keep your head held high and keep doing as you are doing.

My DS used to love seeing his dad, was very much like your SC, excited to see him despite the fact the visits were very infrequent.

When he got older, he sort of had a 'eureka moment' in regards to my long term DP. He came and sat with me one night, and he asked me if I thought that his dad was a good dad. I told him the truth, that I think he's a good dad when he wants to be e.g. 3 times a year, but for the rest of the time, no I don't. He asked me if I thought my DP was a good stepdad, and I said yes, I think we're both very lucky to have him in our lives. I remember seeing him make that connection in his mind, and he said to me 'DP is my dad isn't he really?' And I told him that DP will be whatever he needs him to be, whether that's a dad, a stepdad or a friend.

DS now calls my DP dad, and has absolutely nothing to do with his bio dad because he realised that he didn't really care about him.

Your SC will remember the mother you have been over the years, I have no doubt about that. You sound fab and they're very lucky to have you x

Bless you, she has no business calling herself a mother.

You are their mum. Kids aren't stupid. She will reap what she sows.

I have spent the day completely encouraged by your insightful, compassionate and understanding replies to my little vent.

I feel validated and therefore much more able to let it roll off me.

Thank you. Lots. Xxx

It’s understandable why you feel this way. The children are just excited to see her and go “fun” places.

You are their mother. You are there when they are happy, sad, sick.. helping with homework, explaining the world to them.

When they are older and understand what makes a family and how you actually are their mother then I hope they do have many words of thanks and gratitude towards you. I’m sure they will.

I think all you can do now is not be so hard on yourself for how you are feeling. But know that your children love you and care about you and you are their mother as you are the one their everyday.

Takes a special kind of monster to do what she did, and act as she does now out of interest I'm wondering if people are feeling more strongly about this because it is a mother involved rather than a father.

Anyway, glad you've found some support here OP.

@WoozySnoozy

Takes a special kind of monster to do what she did, and act as she does now out of interest I'm wondering if people are feeling more strongly about this because it is a mother involved rather than a father.

Anyway, glad you've found some support here OP.

I feel equally strongly about my kids’ dad, although he doesn’t see them. But if he showed up every few months to take them out to theme parks or give expensive toys while DH and I are the ones doing activities/sports/school runs/doctors appointments I’d be even more upset.

I think it’s shitty to think you can be fun and wonderful while skipping any boring, restrictive or undesirable parts of being a parent. But lots of dads get away with that, being the fun Mcdonalds-and-cinema daddy. It’s very annoying and selfish.

My mother was the child in this situation. Her own mother walked out on 4 young children, leaving my grandfather to work full time and raise 4 children. He did remarry and have more children.

My mother has only ever acknowledged one mother. I only had one Nan. My Nan was the woman who made the roast dinner on a Sunday, the woman I watched baking as a young child. The woman who lived well into her 90s, with my mum looking after her. The woman who made my Grandad happy. I think you can work out who.