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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What is likely to happen?

28 replies

claustrophobic77 · 19/09/2021 20:22

DH and I have found ourselves in a very difficult situation that we both feel nervous and anxious about so I've decided to post on here asking for advice and ideas on how this is likely to go and happen. About a month ago, DH had a message on social media from a woman he had a fling with years ago (before me) saying that her daughter (7) is his but she never told him. We did a DNA test and it came back positive. I am devastated as we already have 2 beautiful DC together and I never expected anything like this to happen. We set up a monthly payment via CMS so that's currently being sorted. However, he reached out to the BM again asking about contact and being a part of his DD's life and she sounded very difficult but said contact centre. We called, left a message and currently waiting for them to get back to us. Neither of us have been through anything like this before so don't know how it works. I was wondering if anyone know what is likely to happen? Will I be able to attend with him? Will the BM be there? How quickly is it likely to move from contact centre to handover and/or finally having a regular arrangement when there is no need for contact centre to be involved, etc.? Could BM be difficult about her DD meeting me, having a relationship with me or even me coming with DH to support him from the beginning? Would our children be coming to the contact centre at any point to meet their new sister? Thanks all

OP posts:
bogoffmda · 19/09/2021 20:37

What a shock for you all.
Before someone else says it use DM for the other mother not BM on here- people find it offensive as usually used in quite a derogatory manner!

On to your issue:
You need to take a step back as hard as that is.

DH needs to meet the girl on his own first. Let them establish a relationship.
The slowly introduce you and her siblings.

And slow may mean months.

Do not insist on ONs straight away but start preparing for them.

Start talking to your DCS that they have a sister and everyone is hoping they meet soon and you can all go out for a play in the par, ice cream etc

I think this is going to be v hard. DM wants something as she has finally told your DH- it may just be financial but I think you are going to have to be guided by a very confused 7 yr old

WoozySnoozy · 19/09/2021 20:39

How quickly is it likely to move from contact centre to handover and/or finally having a regular arrangement when there is no need for contact centre to be involved, etc.? I would say months potentially years if it ever gets that far. DH will have to go with what's best for the 7 year old. That's quite young to be facing such a situation.

Original poster
claustrophobic77 · 19/09/2021 20:44

@bogoffmda oh...thanks for pointing that out. I never knew 

Thanks for that, that's really helpful! It's all so new to us we have no idea what is going to happen.

@WoozySnoozy thank you for that, I do hope it's not years though.

OP posts:
sofakingcool · 19/09/2021 21:04

Gosh what a tricky situation Sad

I can't give any real advice as I haven't been there before, but I think you need to be prepared for it to take a while before contact moves on - 7 is a tricky age.

Wishing you both lots of luck

Pebbledashery · 19/09/2021 21:13

I also think you need to take a step back and let your DH establish a relationship with her. If that's what the DD wants. She may not want to walk into this ready made family suddenly.. You need to give her time to adjust to having biological father. As someone who is taking her DD to supervised visits in a contact centre, I can tell you that partners aren't allowed in the room. The mother also needs time to adjust too. Take a step back and let your DH take control of the situation. You're trying to run before you can walk. Supervised contact can take anywhere up to a year to be unsupervised, even longer in some cases. My ex partner has been having supervised visits for nearly 18 months at a contact centre.

MrsRobbieHart · 19/09/2021 21:18

What a horrible situation.

Expect things to move slowly. Your Dh is a total stranger to this child- the new relationship cannot and should not be rushed. She is 7. She doesn’t know him at all.

Also, I’m not sure why you would expect to attend for contact with this child. She isn’t your child and she is meeting her father for the first time. I think that’s enough for her to contend with, without spectators.

Original poster
claustrophobic77 · 19/09/2021 21:19

@sofakingcool thank you so much.

@Pebbledashery hi, thank you for your input. I don't think it will be supervised contact as there is no risk of harm or any reason for anyone to believe DH is dangerous. (If that's what supervised contact Is for - I'm not sure). We were looking at supported contact which I'm not sure whether she would be allowed in the room then? But thank you so much for that info. I do agree, I should probably take a step back and just observe and take it all in at the moment.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 19/09/2021 21:22

Supervised contact isn't just for the purposes of previous domestic or child abuse. Supervised contact is also a measure to re-establishment of a relationship in a safe and supportive environment. It's a measure that's used if a child hasn't seen a parent for a long time. I would think supervised is appropriate in this situation. It's about what the DD wants, not what you and your husband wants. Take it at her pace.

MrsRobbieHart · 19/09/2021 21:24

Supervised contact would absolutely be appropriate in this situation. You can’t just set a 7 year old into a room with a total stranger on her own and let her get on with getting to know dad. She needs someone she knows with her initially.

MrsRobbieHart · 19/09/2021 21:25

What age are your own DC OP? Try and consider what you would want to happen if this was one of your children meeting their father under these circumstances.

Elbie79 · 19/09/2021 21:29

@Pebbledashery

Supervised contact isn't just for the purposes of previous domestic or child abuse. Supervised contact is also a measure to re-establishment of a relationship in a safe and supportive environment. It's a measure that's used if a child hasn't seen a parent for a long time. I would think supervised is appropriate in this situation. It's about what the DD wants, not what you and your husband wants. Take it at her pace.
No, what DD wants is only one part of the picture, at 7yrs it is by no means determinative. What is best for her is the key.

OP hopefully your DH and the DM can agree what is best. Ultimately he will have to go along with what she wants as the only way he can achieve something different is via court. So definitely sensible to work on a respectful, supportive relationship between the adults as it will hopefully bear fruit in other tangible ways in the future.

PeeAche · 19/09/2021 23:51

I get why you would want to go with your DH. Being married means sharing everything and this is happening to you both. It’s also a weird new thing to get used to… the world of contact centres, CMS… if you’ve never encountered it all before it’s a total mind melter.
But as PP have said, you aren’t allowed to go. It will take ages to progress from these meetings. Try not to get ahead of yourself.

Another thing that I don’t think has been mentioned yet, mum will have to fill in a checklist of things to “allow” and “not allow” while your DH is in the centre. Such as whether he can take in photographs of you and your DC etc. So you can get involved on that level; preparing some lovely things for him to take, that tell a story about you all. Hopefully mum will be okay with that and it’s something practical you can actually do.

Good luck.xxx

aSofaNearYou · 20/09/2021 09:32

God, I feel so sorry for you! I am struck in this post and in the comments by how little mention there is of your feelings about this situation, beyond initially being devastated. No experience of contact centres so I can't contradict what other posters have said, but how are you doing with it all? Do you really want to be heavily involved? Are you getting the support you need from your DH? It sounds like things are going full steam ahead with little time to process both of your feelings, to me...

Original poster
claustrophobic77 · 20/09/2021 09:55

Again..thank you all for your response, I do appreciate it but I can't say it puts my mind at ease.

In terms of our feelings, we haven't even had a chance to process the fact that DH has a child out there he didn't know about and I now legally have a step-child. This is not something I ever imagined or wanted. I always said to myself that I would never get with a man who has children but I never knew he did, just like him. I think I'm still in shock. I did think about leaving at one point but right now I know that DH and I need to work as a team and I need to be there to support him through this regardless of what happens. In terms of the DM, I am slightly worried as she said in one of the messages that the reason she reached out is because she realised that she would like to be a family with DH and she wants her DD to see Mommy and daddy together as a family and his family at home (me and our DC) shouldn't be his first priority Sad she also said that he's missed out on 7, almost 8 years of her life and now needs to work extra hard to prove to her that she is his top priority. I don't know whether it's jealousy or not but I don't think I can deal with this once they start seeing each other.

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 20/09/2021 09:58

Wow. The mother sounds slightly, erm, wired to the moon! How on earth could she even think there’s a chance for her and your DH to be together?

Original poster
claustrophobic77 · 20/09/2021 10:00

@MrsRobbieHart I don't think she means being together together but spending time together so their DD can see mommy and daddy together. I don't think that's right in the slightest But what do I know...DH said OK to that because he said he's not going to court so I have no say whatsoever even if I wanted to

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 20/09/2021 10:13

I realised other PPs haven't pointed this out to you and it is really horrible for you.

While your DH and your DC have a right to and are expected to build a relationship with this child, as you aren't blood related to her you don't have an automatic right to. Instead your role is to help facilitate the relationship between your own children and her when your DH can't (or doesn't) step up.

I actually know a few people now who have ended up finding out, meeting and having sibling relationships with half-siblings including people who were primary aged children. Those who were primary aged it was their mother who ensured they could see their half-sibling(s) e.g. arranging it, supervising them playing together. However these mothers had to step right back when their children were old enough to do it themselves.

aSofaNearYou · 20/09/2021 10:15

But what do I know...DH said OK to that because he said he's not going to court so I have no say whatsoever even if I wanted to

Hmm, this worries me a bit. The mother sounds like a piece of work that is likely to at least try to cause significant emotional damage to ghe family, and that's alongside the situation being a big life disappointment for you generally. I would strongly advise that you don't allow your feelings to be ignored or treated as unimportant. This is a huge shock and a huge ask from your DH for you to put up with. He has a lot of work to do ensuring you are emotionally ok and he does need to recognise that. This doesn't only affect him.

Personally I would take a bit more time talking between the two of you before jumping into anything.

Timeforachangetoday12 · 20/09/2021 10:23

Time is needed here.

Whilst i can understand what your saying around concerns with the Mum saying family unit (it would for me too) understand that for her her daughter is her priority and she doesn’t want her hurt. She probably feels worried that she will be judged by not telling the Dad and something in her world had triggered her reaching out - whether that’s from her daughter - she may be worried that her daughter will prefer him and she looses her!

Your husband has to go through the process and you and the wider family unit will be introduced at the right time. No rushing do the contact centre (without you)

Lots of emotions right now and worlds upturned - communication and time is what needed.

MrsRobbieHart · 20/09/2021 11:57

Lots of emotions right now and worlds upturned - communication and time is what needed.

Agree with this. It will be a long and difficult road for you for some time I’m afraid OP.

SpongebobNoPants · 20/09/2021 12:56

I don’t mean these questions to sound cold or callous but they are relevant.

What was her reasoning for not telling him sooner?

Does he want a full father/daughter relationship with her?

Are you happy for your children to have a relationship with her? And to what extent? For example will you be wanting /comfortable with her being a part of Christmas celebrations with you as a family?

Do you want a relationship with her?

Kimbo180 · 20/09/2021 15:01

Sad part she with held this for 7 years and then swans in makes all these notions of what see wants and then says he missed out on all them years( becoz of her). I wudnt be happy that you and ur kids get left to the side. Anyways i feel for both of yous its a big shock. As pp said take it slow see how it goes.
Xx

Kimbo180 · 20/09/2021 15:25

Just taught id add he has to prove hisself like wtf is she on

SandyY2K · 20/09/2021 18:32

I am slightly worried as she said in one of the messages that the reason she reached out is because she realised that she would like to be a family

After 7 years she decides she wants to be family! She's crazy.

she also said that he's missed out on 7, almost 8 years of her life and now needs to work extra hard to prove to her that she is his top priority.

He missed out on almost 8 years because of her...and she thinks she can waltz in and want to be a top priority! Unbelievable.

At this point the child is a virtual stranger to him, so actually no...she's not his top priority. He has a wife and 2 kids.

I wish you luck dealing with this big change in your life.

I don't know whether it's jealousy or not but I don't think I can deal with this once they start seeing each other.

They will need to see each other, but it'll be about the daughter...it shouldn't be about them.

Magda72 · 20/09/2021 18:38

understand that for her her daughter is her priority and she doesn’t want her hurt.
Hmmmm - would think she's doing the most of the hurting here keeping a child away from her father for seven years & then landing everyone, including the child, in the crapper!
@claustrophobic77 I hate threads like this as they inevitably turn into people telling you to back off & put the child first with virtually no acknowledgement of you, your dh & your dc's status as an established family unit & that unit now being upended! There's also very little acknowledgment of the absolute wrong these women do - keeping children from their fathers & then approaching these men years after the fact just because they have decided to do so. It's rotten, selfish behaviour.
I think the questions @SpongebobNoPants asks are very important. I also think that the dm in question has a very suspect agenda. I think you need support in this & maybe some form of counselling for you would help you & also help you help your own dc who again, are generally lost in these threads. Your poor dc will have their lives upended and seem last in the pecking order for most posters.
I've no advice or the processes or legalities as I don't live in the UK, but my advice to you is get the support you & your dc need as imo this situation is way worse for you & them than for any of the other people involved.
Sending you a virtual hug.