What is likely to happen?

[claustrophobic77]

DH and I have found ourselves in a very difficult situation that we both feel nervous and anxious about so I've decided to post on here asking for advice and ideas on how this is likely to go and happen. About a month ago, DH had a message on social media from a woman he had a fling with years ago (before me) saying that her daughter (7) is his but she never told him. We did a DNA test and it came back positive. I am devastated as we already have 2 beautiful DC together and I never expected anything like this to happen. We set up a monthly payment via CMS so that's currently being sorted. However, he reached out to the BM again asking about contact and being a part of his DD's life and she sounded very difficult but said contact centre. We called, left a message and currently waiting for them to get back to us. Neither of us have been through anything like this before so don't know how it works. I was wondering if anyone know what is likely to happen? Will I be able to attend with him? Will the BM be there? How quickly is it likely to move from contact centre to handover and/or finally having a regular arrangement when there is no need for contact centre to be involved, etc.? Could BM be difficult about her DD meeting me, having a relationship with me or even me coming with DH to support him from the beginning? Would our children be coming to the contact centre at any point to meet their new sister? Thanks all

Hi OP, this happened to us a few years ago. We'd just got married and had dd2 and we found out dh has a son from a ONS while me and him were in an on/off casual relationship a few years previous.

It was very very hard at the time but we adore him and he is a much loved part of our family. It was a bit easier that he was only 3 so he adapted quickly- DH went to his house twice a week, building up from 10 min visits to staying for an hour, then started taking him to the park. He took our other children to meet him before me, then after about 3 months we started going on days out with me as well. He still spends a good chunk of his contact time just him and DH which suits everyone, but I love him to bits and we have a great bond. We have him EOW now and he comes for tea every week, he comes on holiday with us etc.

The person who struggled the most was DHs older daughter, tbh she still doesn't show any interest in him. The younger kids adore him so hopefully you'll find the same if your children are fairly young.

Good luck, it must have been a terrible shock (it was for me!) But it can work out for the best.

The DM's message comes across as overly antagonistic - almost setting up in advance the idea of your DC and her DC being rivals for DH's attention. And actually, you and her as well! This is a sad place for her to approach it from. I'd be looking for your DH to set some boundaries around his existing DC being no less important - in fact they will need extra reassurance. I'd be worried that DM's attitude is going to communicate to her DD and encourage her to feel jealous of your DC before they have even met.

It is possible she may start contacting him frequently, texting/calling/emailing, to try and get 'priority' and if so he needs to set boundaries around this when he is spending quality time with you and your DC.

DH has a difficult balancing act to do here, but it's not the DM's place to dictate how he does it, she has controlled the situation for 7 years to everyone's detriment.

this sounds so hard.

Well said pp