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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How do I bring this up with him?

41 replies

MickeyMoose1 · 17/09/2021 18:06

I've been with DP for 5 years, he has a 8 year old DD from his previous relationship. We get on well but I don't parent her or try to. She has two lovely parents already for that.

However DP is very laid back, doesn't really see when his DD is being cheeky etc and can sometimes get quite defensive when you mention anything about his DD.

We live in a tiny 2 bed apartment, he let her go on a game the second she woke up at 6am and FaceTime her friend whilst playing, screaming and shouting and giggling at 6am waking us all up. He thought it was funny but got really annoyed with me when I bought it up. It wasn't just the fact she was FaceTiming and squealing, maybe the other girls parents didn't want their child being woken at 6am by FaceTime!

My problem is she will always interrupt me when I'm talking to her dad (they get plenty alone time) and he will always leave our conversation to answer her. I don't mind when it's about trivial stuff but sometimes it's about important things.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell her occasionally not to interrupt or ignore her until our conversation is finished? It's literally minutes

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 17/09/2021 18:11

If he's not going to speak up then you need to. She's in your home too, not just his, so just tell her to be quiet. If she interrupts, put your hand up and tell her to wait until you are finished talking. If your dp doesn't like you doing this then have a think about your future with him, because needless to say it will only get worse as she gets older.

Lollypop701 · 17/09/2021 18:11

You know it’s not ok. He knows it’s not ok or he wouldn’t be defensive. Gentle conversation is needed… hopefully others can offer help as I’m a sledgehammer so whilst I can see what should happen not sure I’d manage it!

SandyY2K · 17/09/2021 18:16

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell her occasionally not to interrupt or ignore her until our conversation is finished?

No you're not being unreasonable.

It's annoying when kids interrupt. He should be able to "just a minute". Kids need correction on things like this

He thought it was funny but got really annoyed with me when I bought it up

This is not a good sign.
6am is far too early for a kid to be facetiming and being so loud.

If he doesn't understand that and gets annoyed with you raising it, then he's the problem. I mean that's just common sense, not to make noise so early in the day. What is he teaching her.

aSofaNearYou · 17/09/2021 19:42

I agree with the others. He's getting defensive about things that are perfectly reasonable to educate kids on, his behaviour is a massive problem. I would probably have called him out not so gently on the way he is about this, I couldn't enable him to shut me down in this way. So you have already been more patient than I would have been, but that is the angle I would approach it from - his defensive attitude and how unliveable that is for you.

Ibizafun · 17/09/2021 23:42

I had this with dh’s daughter when she was a teenager. She would purposely interrupt and my dh would end his conversation with me. I came to the conclusion it was a jealousy issue and in the end it turned out I was right.

Hattie765 · 17/09/2021 23:47

I think you're being unreasonable sorry, that's what kids do, she's 8. They get up early and full of energy and it's noisy. When my kids want to talk to me, I listen to them, even if it means breaking up a conversation and everyone in my life just understands that's kids. You sound a bit jealous over normal stuff.

KylieKoKo · 18/09/2021 00:51

I think you're being unreasonable sorry, that's what kids do, she's 8

8 is old enough to know to keep the noise down when people are sleeping. I feel sorry for the people your children encounter if you are raising them not to consider others.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 18/09/2021 06:54

@Hattie765

I think you're being unreasonable sorry, that's what kids do, she's 8. They get up early and full of energy and it's noisy. When my kids want to talk to me, I listen to them, even if it means breaking up a conversation and everyone in my life just understands that's kids. You sound a bit jealous over normal stuff.
Sorry but your wrong, 6am is unreasonable, the 8 year old can keep quiet until a reasonable time of 8am etc. Not saying she can't play but she doesn't need to FaceTime so early. Children need to m realise they aren't in charge and actually sometimes there are rules. Interrupting a conversation is so annoying, I always stop my 6 year old and say, just wait until mummy is finished talking, it's rude!
mummytotwoboys0600 · 18/09/2021 06:59

Definitely nip this in the bud. We have rules that whilst others are sleeping, we keep the noise down. It's common courtesy to respect others and that's what children should be taught.
There's nothing more annoying than a child interrupting a conversation, this needs to be stopped now too, as in life, this is unacceptable.
My DH is defensive when I mention negative things about what his children have done or don't do, but I think it's natural. Go to the daughter, cut out the husband and just tell her the rules of your house and tell her she needs to respect them. Good luck.

GoodnightGrandma · 18/09/2021 07:04

You need to nip this in the bud now, as the teenage years will most probably be worse.
If he’s not prepared to sort this, you might want to consider what the future might look like.

Onlinedilema · 18/09/2021 07:04

Yanbu. At 8 she should stop interrupting its rude.

WoozySnoozy · 18/09/2021 08:33

The 8 year old in my life knows to be quiet at 6, you can get away with more if you pretend you're asleep for a start.

WoozySnoozy · 18/09/2021 08:34

You need to work on the interrupting together. If you ask her to wait while you finish and he says to her no that's ok and abandons you mid conversation I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Evesgarden · 18/09/2021 08:43

He enjoys hearing her laugh and having a good time, that's why he got annoyed at you. He felt you were attacking her. So would I. My kids wake up at six because of school even on a weekend so I'm used to busy early starts so that wouldn't have bothered me.

Yes she shouldn't interrupt you OP but dont try and discuss important things whilst she is around. Dh and I wait till the kids are out of the room or in bed because you can bet the minute we start the kids will start being idiots and end up being told off. the same as when I'm on the phone - they are 9 & 5

I know adults that butt in conversations - my grandmother is the worst so if adults can't just sit for a few minutes and wait some kids are not going to either.

Evesgarden · 18/09/2021 08:47

Go to the daughter, cut out the husband and just tell her the rules of your house and tell her she needs to respect them. Good luck

Wow. If some bloke tried telling my 8 year the 'rules of the house' he would be collecting his black bin bags full of clothes from outside the door Grin

Yeah dont do that OP.

OP this child probably butts in with her mum/dad/grandparents and suddenly you will be so special no one is allowed to talk until you have finished. This is an issue your partner has to deal with along with her mother so its learned all round. Dont pitch yourself against an 8 year old.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 18/09/2021 09:34

@Evesgarden

Go to the daughter, cut out the husband and just tell her the rules of your house and tell her she needs to respect them. Good luck

Wow. If some bloke tried telling my 8 year the 'rules of the house' he would be collecting his black bin bags full of clothes from outside the door Grin

Yeah dont do that OP.

OP this child probably butts in with her mum/dad/grandparents and suddenly you will be so special no one is allowed to talk until you have finished. This is an issue your partner has to deal with along with her mother so its learned all round. Dont pitch yourself against an 8 year old.

Why can't there be rules? An 8 year old can be told by the SM to not wake her up at 6. It's her house too and the step child isn't exempt. We don't need to pussy foot around any child. If there are rules then there are rules regardless of whose children they are.
aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2021 09:45

Wow. If some bloke tried telling my 8 year the 'rules of the house' he would be collecting his black bin bags full of clothes from outside the door

If "some woman" said "wow" at the notion of me being able to have any kind of say on how their kid is allowed to behave in my household, impacting me, then she would be collecting her black bin bags full of clothes from outside the door. How you think this level of entitled defensiveness is acceptable is beyond me. No partner should have to put up with you saying "wow" about asking a child not to interrupt you/shout at 6 in the morning. That's absolutely ridiculous and nobody with any self respect would put up with that from you.

Youseethethingis · 18/09/2021 12:26

If he likes his child to be a spoilt, rude pain in the arse to him, says it's adorable/high spirited/normal/other stuff people say when their kid is being a nightmare, then that's his choice.
I'd not be accepting rudeness towards me without saying something. That's my choice.
If my choice not to be walked all over by an 8 year old didn't suit the 8 years olds parent, that would be the end.

Bananarama21 · 18/09/2021 12:28

That alone would do my head in op I hate it if my.kods do it I always tell to wait until I finish talking.

BuddhaAtSea · 18/09/2021 13:01

That’s why I’ve kept my house!
DP is a very light sleeper, I know he hears her at 5/6 am waking up and coming into our room. Yet he pretended he’s fast asleep, so then the kid would come round the bed, jump on me: I want to watch TV, can I watch TV, I’m hungry!
No amount of telling her (from me) would sort it, because her dad never said anything.
He would eventually go downstairs, let her watch TV really loud, he’ll fall asleep on the sofa and she’ll still come upstairs and ask me to make her breakfast.
So now I never sleep around there when she’s around. I am there in the day, but when the circus starts, I go home.

Tattler2 · 18/09/2021 13:07

I think that it is not unreasonable for an 8 year old to be permitted to play a game at 6 a.m. if they wake up at that time. I think it rude to call anyone at 6 a.m. if it is not an absolute emergency. I think that if a child is old enough to use a telephone, they are old enough to be taught acceptable telephone usage.

I think that people of any age should be taught to move quietly in the early morning hours when others in the household are routinely asleep.

I think it unnecessary of you to complain to your partner about behavior that you find annoying when you have the ability to address the behavior as it is happening. If you initiate a conversation with your partner and the child interrupts as you are speaking (assuming that she is not experiencing an emergency or crisis) you should not hesitate to say to her that " just a moment sally, you can speak with your father as soon as I am done speaking with him." Every time you cede the opportunity to speak up in normal situations that are bothersome (perhaps only to you) , you reinforce the notion that your partner is the only one who speaks with authority in your household.

As a partner, I would be bothered and annoyed by someone who failed to address an issue in moment and yet repeatedly complained about to me. Clearly, he is not bothered by his daughter interrupting his conversation so he does nothing about it. You are bothered about your conversations being interrupted what stops you from speaking up when this is actually happening? You are an adult living in the household; you do not need his permission to address this situation.

If the 3 of you are going to live in tiny close quarters, there should be some general understanding of the ways required to make the small quarters socially habitable and comfortable for all.

Evesgarden · 18/09/2021 13:27

@aSofaNearYou

Wow. If some bloke tried telling my 8 year the 'rules of the house' he would be collecting his black bin bags full of clothes from outside the door

If "some woman" said "wow" at the notion of me being able to have any kind of say on how their kid is allowed to behave in my household, impacting me, then she would be collecting her black bin bags full of clothes from outside the door. How you think this level of entitled defensiveness is acceptable is beyond me. No partner should have to put up with you saying "wow" about asking a child not to interrupt you/shout at 6 in the morning. That's absolutely ridiculous and nobody with any self respect would put up with that from you.

Why the personal attack @aSofaNearYou? If some one started trying to lay down the law with my kids - yes they would be gone. Luckily I'm not in that position where there is an other adult in the house jostling for attention with a 8 year old and neither will I ever be.
aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2021 13:37

Why the personal attack @aSofaNearYou? If some one started trying to lay down the law with my kids - yes they would be gone. Luckily I'm not in that position where there is an other adult in the house jostling for attention with a 8 year old and neither will I ever be.

Because it's clear from the tone of your comments that you would be an absolute nightmare to be with when it comes to your kids. Such dramatisation of your partner having even the lowest level of input/respect, mixed with such permissiveness when it comes to basic bad manners from kids. "Jostling for attention with an 8 year old", lord give me strength.

Evesgarden · 18/09/2021 16:00

@aSofaNearYou

Why the personal attack @aSofaNearYou? If some one started trying to lay down the law with my kids - yes they would be gone. Luckily I'm not in that position where there is an other adult in the house jostling for attention with a 8 year old and neither will I ever be.

Because it's clear from the tone of your comments that you would be an absolute nightmare to be with when it comes to your kids. Such dramatisation of your partner having even the lowest level of input/respect, mixed with such permissiveness when it comes to basic bad manners from kids. "Jostling for attention with an 8 year old", lord give me strength.

You have no idea who I am apart from some fictional person you have made up in your head. Have a day off or go and get a cup of tea and chill out, there is no need.
aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2021 16:22

@Evesgarden 🤔 Ok dear...

There was nothing in my first comment to you that was more of a personal attack than any other critique of a PPs comment is. It's funny that you are defending defensive behaviour by being... very defensive yourself. Figures, I guess.

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