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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do I bring this up with him?

41 replies

MickeyMoose1 · 17/09/2021 18:06

I've been with DP for 5 years, he has a 8 year old DD from his previous relationship. We get on well but I don't parent her or try to. She has two lovely parents already for that.

However DP is very laid back, doesn't really see when his DD is being cheeky etc and can sometimes get quite defensive when you mention anything about his DD.

We live in a tiny 2 bed apartment, he let her go on a game the second she woke up at 6am and FaceTime her friend whilst playing, screaming and shouting and giggling at 6am waking us all up. He thought it was funny but got really annoyed with me when I bought it up. It wasn't just the fact she was FaceTiming and squealing, maybe the other girls parents didn't want their child being woken at 6am by FaceTime!

My problem is she will always interrupt me when I'm talking to her dad (they get plenty alone time) and he will always leave our conversation to answer her. I don't mind when it's about trivial stuff but sometimes it's about important things.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell her occasionally not to interrupt or ignore her until our conversation is finished? It's literally minutes

OP posts:

TheHouseIsOnFire · 20/09/2021 11:38

Same as you @BuddhaAtSea - I’ve kept my own house purely because at the start it became clear that I was to become ‘default parent’ for his early waking needy youngest child, whilst simultaneously not being allowed to parent her in any way!! The weekend sleepovers came to an abrupt end when she literally told me “eh..my dad says I can” whenever I told her to stop doing something (breaking my DD’s stuff, waking me up etc) and he didn’t seem to contradict it. It nearly caused us to split up as he painted me as some kind of child hater because I didn’t want her coming into my bed, while he turned over and went back to sleep and I was left wide awake with her chattering (meanwhile my 3 DCs were soundly asleep and knew not to come and wake me up unless there was something important).

Differences in parenting styles must be the number one reason for second time relationships breaking down. I get that it’s hard for parents who can’t spend as much time as they’d like with their DCs so they overcompensate by being indulgent and permissive. However, for someone so intent on making the most of every moment with his DCs it’s funny how that didn’t start at 7 in the morning when she woke us up!

OP you won’t be able to change his attitude to this situation, you just present yourself as the enemy, the evil stepmom intent on ousting the princess from her rightful place. Just take a step back, let him deal with the consequences of her behaviour. But some earplugs so she doesn’t wake you in the morning - or make sure to send her round his side of the bed if she does. If her friends parents are ok with her FaceTiming them at that time, let her go ahead. I’d be making sure my kids had Do Not Disturb on from now on if I were them!

And when she interrupts the conversation finish it. Just walk away and do something else. Hopefully your DP will realise when it’s something he actually wants to discuss that he needs to stop her interrupting or it never gets resolved. The minute she pipes up just go and make a cup of tea or pick up your book etc and resume it later whenever you’re ready. You don’t need to be waiting around while he attends her to every whim to resume the conversation.

MrsMaizel · 20/09/2021 20:38

He's a Disney dad , he thinks he's cool and he is lazy about actually trying to socialise his child . He just wants a fun time and no real parenting .

ThuMuClu · 20/09/2021 22:08

I know Disney dadding is awful for everyone but I do empathise with it sometimes. I know it’s basic manners etc but kids are often thoughtless rather than deliberately rude and a child excited to talk to you can be viewed fondly by a parent, especially when time with them is limited. I feel like telling my kids to button it is something I take for for granted because I spend loads of time with them, too much time really as they effectively have no other parent! I don’t attempt to have any sort of important conversation with DP in the 36 hours his children are here and if they interrupt I don’t hang around waiting I just get on with my day.

aSofaNearYou · 20/09/2021 22:18

@ThuMuClu

Hmm, my DP finds it as annoying and bad mannered as I do when DSS constantly interrupts, regardless of how much he sees him. He wants to help mould him into a decent person.

fidgetmad · 21/09/2021 12:37

Interrupting at 8 years old isn't ideal and I agree she should be learning not to do this, it's bad manners and she needs to be taught that.

However if your post is highlighting the biggest issues with her behaviour I think you've got it pretty good.

Is this honestly the biggest thing you've got to worry about? I'd say jealousy maybe making this seem a whole lot worse than it is as she sounds like a typical excitable, happy 8yr old

Why does it bother you that her dad likes to hear her laughing and having fun. A lot of people with kids are up at 6am

aSofaNearYou · 21/09/2021 12:38

*Is this honestly the biggest thing you've got to worry about? I'd say jealousy maybe making this seem a whole lot worse than it is as she sounds like a typical excitable, happy 8yr old

Why does it bother you that her dad likes to hear her laughing and having fun. A lot of people with kids are up at 6am*

How and where does jealousy come into it? Obviously she just doesn't like being woken up by her shouting at 6am.

fidgetmad · 21/09/2021 12:45

The whole OP is very much giving the impression "kids should be seen and not heard".

Kids squeal, laugh and get excited. It's life. Doesn't sound like she was shouting angrily as the dad was laughing and happy to see her happy.

The child has as much right to be in the house as the OP and I've not heard anything of class as bad behaviour.

6am starts aren't that uncommon for children - it's part of living with kids. The OP hasn't said how often the DC stays over but i doubt she's waking her early more than a few days a week

aSofaNearYou · 21/09/2021 12:54

@fidgetmad

The whole OP is very much giving the impression "kids should be seen and not heard".

Kids squeal, laugh and get excited. It's life. Doesn't sound like she was shouting angrily as the dad was laughing and happy to see her happy.

The child has as much right to be in the house as the OP and I've not heard anything of class as bad behaviour.

6am starts aren't that uncommon for children - it's part of living with kids. The OP hasn't said how often the DC stays over but i doubt she's waking her early more than a few days a week

That's one way of looking at it, but I don't get that impression and certainly don't think that anyone who wouldn't let their kids be as loud as they like at 6am thinks children should be seen and not heard. It's not a part of living with kids at all for me, if either my DD or DSS got up at that time I would encourage them to go back to bed for an hour and if not, I would be asking for quiet, calm time until it was a bit later on. This is for the sake of both other household members, and neighbours, and is a perfectly common parenting view.

It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with jealousy. There's also nothing about the child having less of a right to be there than OP. Both of your comments reek heavily of projection.

Youseethethingis · 21/09/2021 13:44

Oh FFS a "typical 8 year old" is able to learn consideration for other people, if their parents are willing to teach them it

orangeblosssom · 21/09/2021 13:46

She's only 8. YABU.

fidgetmad · 21/09/2021 13:56

@Youseethethingis

Oh FFS a "typical 8 year old" is able to learn consideration for other people, if their parents are willing to teach them it

I agree an 8 year old is more than capable of learning this and should be being taught....I don't disagree with any of that.

BUT my point is that what the OP is describing is relatively minor in terms of poor behaviour/inconvenience to her in the big scheme of things. Could be much worse and if this is her biggest worry it sounds like the dc is acting like many 8 year olds

aSofaNearYou · 21/09/2021 14:35

Could be much worse and if this is her biggest worry it sounds like the dc is acting like many 8 year olds

Yes, but you are ignoring the fact that her DPs defensiveness about her talking about these issues is actually more of a worry. But then you do seem to share his approach - saying things like "so you're saying she doesn't have as much a right to be there as you?" is classic defensive manipulation.

Youseethethingis · 21/09/2021 15:29

Other 8 year olds being irritating in other houses doesn't make the OPs situation less irritating.

KylieKoKo · 21/09/2021 15:37

Do people here really let their 8 year olds shout indoors at 6am while others are sleeping? That sounds like terrible parenting! Children need to be taught to consider others and not waking people up in the early hours is pretty basic.

katie9998 · 26/09/2021 13:19

FGS, are we now at the stage where a SM cannot even tell an 8 year old to be quieter at 6am without being told she must be a) Unreasonable, b) she should accept it as 'SD is a typical 8 year old' (by the way, I've had two 8 year olds and no way in hell would this be acceptable at 6am) or c) the classic 'you sound jealous. Jesus Christ on a bike. These are children Ladies, children, not mini Gods that we must worship. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of a child's laughter but at 6am it would royally piss me off too, whether they are my own or not. Stop all of this virtue signaling, it's tedious as well as nonsensical. If the child is old enough to operate a device that connects to face time and then call one of her friends and hold a full conversation with said friend then she can be damn well taught to lower her voice at dawn. Why does the child's privilege to call her friends override the OP's need for sleep?

katie9998 · 26/09/2021 13:24

Oh and whilst I am on this rant over the ridiculousness of some of the answers I have read on this thread, the OP more than likely works, which will help to pay the broadband costs so that the child can face time in the first place! The OP has every right to demand that she is not woken up so early

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