Contact as the child gets older

[LabMonkeyX]

DP has a 10 year old and we share a 3 year old. We currently have DSD every other weekend and 2 nights a week (school pick up, tea and stays over). So 6 nights per fortnight.

DSD will be going to high school next year and will obviously become more independent.

How has contact changed as non resident children get older?

Reason for asking is that we are looking to buy a house but don't know where. We currently live in the same city as DSD but 2 hours away from elderly parents. We were thinking of buying in a town 1 hour away from where we currently are, so 1 hour from DSD and 1 hour from elderly parents. It's also a cheaper area and we could afford a bigger house, so DSD would get a decent size room with space for a spare bed, desk etc.

She said tonight that when she goes to High School she doesn't want Daddy picking her up from school anymore, as she would like to get the bus with friends.

I'm concerned about being so far from both sets of elderly parents, so moving an hour closer is reasonable from that perspective. I'm concerned about the impact it would have on DSD though. Then again, 1 hour isn't a huge drive, so we could get to her if needed.

I would move.
I know I’m in the minority though.

Older kids have fewer long blocks of time available. They have extracurricular and meet ups with friends and group assignments and eventually part-time jobs.

Don’t move an hour away.

@Driftingblue

Older kids have fewer long blocks of time available. They have extracurricular and meet ups with friends and group assignments and eventually part-time jobs.

Don’t move an hour away.

This has been my experience with DSDs. They never both have an entire weekend free at the same time these days.

You've identified lots of benefits for her if you move, but not really acknowledged the single most important thing for her - location.
She needs to easily be able to get to and from your house to her school & friends. The easier she can do that, the more time and better relationship she will be able to have with you.
I hope you're able to find something that works.

I think DP is idealistic. He thinks we will all live a healthier lifestyle outside of the city.

What I'm taking from this is to stay put now and consider a move when DD is starting high school and DSD is 17.

My DS hit about 15 and started going once a month - combination of getting ready for GCSE's and wanting to be able to stay nearer friends at weekends

Then a year ago, at 16, he stopped having a routine - so he goes when he wants to. He's now working evenings and is in the midst of A Levels etc. The idea was for his Dad to be more flexible - so no longer expecting him to go long weekends, but instead seeing him for a burger etc. It doesn't really work, and they are both as disorganised as each other , so they currently average seeing each other about every 8 weeks. Not much IMO but DS in particular seems happy with that, he likes his time with his friends and has spent forever having to plan everything around his Dads weekends, so it's nice he's feeling like he has more control over his life.

I know quite a few children of similar age who have separated parents, quite a mix of what they do - some have total flexibility like DS, some still stick with EOW - although they are ones who have both parents living in the same town so less restrictions.

Sorry I didn't say what I would do in your position! I wouldn't move if you can avoid it, teenagers need flexibility, you've got a far better shot of having a good relationship with DSD if she's not restricted and feels she can come and go because you're close by.

Don't envy you though, must be tricky having elderly parents who need you too

Thanks @sofakingcool

It is difficult trying to do the best by everyone.

DSD is a fundamental part of our family and we want to do the best for her. We also want to do the best for DD. As well as our parents.

OP, although you're saying you're really open to feedback you're certainly arguing the toss with everyone telling you it's not the right thing to do.

You KNOW that moving like this is not on. You think a young teen is going to be able to commute an hour on public transport to / from school twice a week? It's ridiculous. She'll miss her friends from school and any weekend activities when with you. Please, do the right thing and wait til she's finished school to move.

I say this as a child with divorced parents and split custody arrangements.

OP, although you're saying you're really open to feedback you're certainly arguing the toss with everyone telling you it's not the right thing to do.

Which bit about staying put until DSD is 17 didn't you grasp?

But longer in holidays only if Mum agrees. Why should Mum lose out on the downtime with her daughter and do all the day to day school run/prep drudgery?

Exactly this!!!

And a teenager won't want weekends away from her friends and her social life. Even bringing one friend for a sleepover isn't the same (assuming the friend wants to come) as being able to hang out with a crowd of friends, meet up at shops etc

I get why some pp are challenging you op.

In one breath you are saying your DSD is top priority but in another it feels rather like you want reassurance that it could work.

Don’t move now, it’s not right.

My DD is 10 and I’m so conscious she’s growing up fast. I want to drink it all in before she’s not interested in us.

I think it has the potential to trash her relationship with all of you. Don’t rock the boat, it’s delicate even in amicable easy step-parenting situations…

You should definitely do it. You have responsibilities and love for your parents and children and moving an equal distance between them is the obvious solution, especially if you can all have s better lifestyle. An hour is nothing, it's not far and there should be no reason DSD spends less time with you. Good luck

@Hattie765

You should definitely do it. You have responsibilities and love for your parents and children and moving an equal distance between them is the obvious solution, especially if you can all have s better lifestyle. An hour is nothing, it's not far and there should be no reason DSD spends less time with you. Good luck

Obviously she'll spend less time. Just now she stays 2 week nights. How do you expect her to do this when she's an hour from school (probably even longer on public transport and in rush hour)?

That's not to mention the weekend when they're expecting her to remove herself from her social life

I agree with your conclusion of staying out until DSD is 16/17

I get why some pp are challenging you op.

So you don't think a 17 year old can navigate public transport by herself?

Don’t move. I’d rather have my dad down the road during my teenage years than a bigger house and an ensuite

I understand wanting to be nearer parents in their final years. A 4 hour round trip to see them is really daunting but moving an hour nearer might not make that much difference,particularly if your workplaces and DSD's school are still 2 hours away from them. Under current arrangements,DSD is very much part of the family as she stays 2 school nights a week.She really wouldn't be if you only saw her EOW. Perhaps try brainstorming on how to facilitate seeing parents, Setting out at 7am every Saturday and back home for afternoon/getting a job half way between so it's feasible to make straight from work evening visits/ moving somewhere in current town that's an easier commute/parents visit you/ holidays with parents.

We've not experienced a change in amounts of time. We've experienced a change in planned days though. So we just don't do planned days now and DSD comes whenever she wants.

That wouldn't be possible if you lived an hour away?

@LabMonkeyX

I get why some pp are challenging you op.

So you don't think a 17 year old can navigate public transport by herself?

Eh?

I was gently trying to suggest that it wasn’t right to even consider moving at this age.

The mind genuinely boggles that you think that the relationship wouldn’t suffer.

I think you're doing the right thing waiting. If it naturally tails off thats the time to decide to move.

Thing is we don't live in an ideal world. If you can afford a 3 bed local to your DSD then great, if you can't and you have to look further afield then I'd do that. All the teens I know have wanted to spend less time with the NRP and more time with their mates between 13 - 17, although I appear to be the only one.

When I was 17 I moved to the middle of nowhere an hour from my parents and I had to learn to drive and get a car.

I don't understand why you can't discuss it with her at this point if she is the only part that holds you back? Just say that you are considering it but I my if it works for her too. List the advantages and I conveniences. She will either say it's great, be a bit unsure, or freaks out.

Surely that's the starting point?

I think this sounds like an idea that is in everybody's best interests, and sometimes that's the kind of thing families have to do. I don't think you should be unreasonable to weigh things up and consider this option, maybe sound things out with her including the bigger bedroom for having friends over and see what she thinks.

Mine are getting older and on the whole contact continues as it has since separation. However it is interrupted by sleepovers/ cinema trips/ bike rides with friends etc etc. But children will absolutely see their father regularly. That is only possible as he lives 5 mins from me. If he moved an hour away, I can guarantee that contact would gradually drop. As it is now, on a bike ride means our kids can go to either house afterwards. They see their friends and both of us.

I wouldn’t move an hour away to be closer to parents, these next 5-6 years are really tricky/ important and kids need both parents to support them through. Puberty, exams, navigating their peer group, probably first relationships. Don’t move away.