Contact as the child gets older

[LabMonkeyX]

DP has a 10 year old and we share a 3 year old. We currently have DSD every other weekend and 2 nights a week (school pick up, tea and stays over). So 6 nights per fortnight.

DSD will be going to high school next year and will obviously become more independent.

How has contact changed as non resident children get older?

Reason for asking is that we are looking to buy a house but don't know where. We currently live in the same city as DSD but 2 hours away from elderly parents. We were thinking of buying in a town 1 hour away from where we currently are, so 1 hour from DSD and 1 hour from elderly parents. It's also a cheaper area and we could afford a bigger house, so DSD would get a decent size room with space for a spare bed, desk etc.

She said tonight that when she goes to High School she doesn't want Daddy picking her up from school anymore, as she would like to get the bus with friends.

I'm concerned about being so far from both sets of elderly parents, so moving an hour closer is reasonable from that perspective. I'm concerned about the impact it would have on DSD though. Then again, 1 hour isn't a huge drive, so we could get to her if needed.

Its so variable what different people do, but I would strongly advise to not move away. She may want to get the bus for independence but that does not mean the same as spending less time with her parents respectively. This is not meant to sound callous/uncaring/harsh but both sets of elderly parents aren't your/DP responsibility. They are adults. But DSD should be DPs priority and with that in mind moving any time soon a substantial difference before she is ready/involved isn't probably in her best interests.

Thank you. It doesn't sound callous. We are thinking hard about this and all opinions are welcome.

We feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If it was just EOW I think it'd be an easier decision to make. But its so nearly 50% and its also the impact on your child not seeing their sibling so regularly. We are currently half hr from DSS and are actually looking at how to move closer (not quite doorstep mind!) so when hes old enough he can come and go as he chooses.

The idea behind getting a house with a room big enough for 2 beds is that she can bring a friend to stay with her. So it's not that she would spend less time with DP, more that she would perhaps spend time with him in longer stints. Like Fri night to Mon am and longer in the holidays.

With a high school kid you want to be in her area so her friends are local. Then she can just as easily go to friends from yours as mum's and friends can come to both houses. She won't not come because of a social thing, she'll instead be late or want a pick up or drop off to the thing. It wouldn't interfere with contact anymore then if she lived with dad.
Moving away will guarantee she gradually reduces contact. Staying local means you don't force her to choose between social life and dad and reduces the risk of them drifting apart as she grows up.

It's so hard to do the best thing for everyone isn't it.

Sadly when children are involved I firmly believe that its not about doing the best by everyone but by them. My DP puts DSS and our DS 1st, I put my DS 1st (v.closely followed by DSS). We made the commitment to have them so thats until they are adults making their own way, albeit we'll still be there to support!

My parents split when I was young and my dad remarried. I spent the same amount of time per week at my dad’s all throughout my teens and saw it as ‘home’ until I officially moved out after university.

This was only possible because my parents lived close enough together that I could continue clubs and seeing friends regardless of which house I was at. I’m beyond grateful that I was able to maintain strong relationships with both my parents and my stepmum. Please don’t move if you can help it. An hour away is huge for a teenager.

DSD's mum moved to a different area of the city this year, so DSD will be going to a different high school from her friends. We thought, if we are going to do it, we should do it now, DD is too young to really notice.

There are other benefits, as well as the bigger room. DSD and DP are really into cycling and the town we are looking at would be safer for them to go out biking. Safer in general to be honest.

We haven't done anything yet, it's just something we've been considering since we visited this town a few months ago.

Moving to the same area as DSD's mum isn't an option, as the schools aren't as good as where we currently are / are considering moving to. We have to take DD's education into account too.

DD is too young to really notice

She will notice when she isn't seeing her half-sibling as often or at all.

My dad's house was a bus ride away all my childhood even when he moved. It meant my siblings and half-siblings could come over very easily when I was a small and primary aged child. Once I went to secondary school and they had all left home, I would then go and visit them. This wouldn't have happened if my dad's base wasn't near my mum's as we wouldn't have built relationships with one another.

I'm going against the grain but a nicer house in a nicer area sounds a good idea. DD's schooling is important.

Long weekends with DSD and longer in the holidays is a good compromise.

I think a child trumps elderly parents. The child needs support and to feel part of the family - not to feel Like her dad is moving away and she takes second place. Move away once she's gone To uni or wherever she goes, don't affect her life at this key time in her life

But longer in holidays only if Mum agrees. Why should Mum lose out on the downtime with her daughter and do all the day to day school run/prep drudgery? Schooling is of course important but Ofsted reports dont really tell you much about a school - as a well experienced teacher I know this from both sides.

What is DSD opinion? Will midweek dinners still occur? Or will mum be left to do the bulk of the parenting?

Usually I am very supportive and can see much more of the step parents rationale but this just doesn't sit right to separate a well involved parent and their child. Just because mum moved further away doesnt make it right for you to go even further in the other direction.

You need to talk to dsd about it all

Personal experience with my son is he hardly sees his dad now he has hit high school but his dad is not interested anyway so it was a natural progression really

No changes in contact here and we just hit high school. Kids are perfectly happy and don't want to change anything. We can support their increasing independence without making changes.

Step kids just started six form and no changes in contact there either.

I think you need to be realistic that you want this change for you. Not because of a milestone the kids have.

What is DSD opinion? Will midweek dinners still occur? Or will mum be left to do the bulk of the parenting?

It's only at the stage of a few Rightmove searches for houses. We haven't asked anyone else's opinion yet. I get flexi time and DP works shifts, so we could manage mid week dinners and sleepovers.

Not meaning to drip feed but DSD's mum has also recently said that she is returning to her home country when DSD turns 18. DSD can speak and understand the language but has never been taught to read and write in that language, so it's unlikely she will go there too in that she couldn't get on a uni course / get an appreWe are planning for DSD to be pretty much with us when / if that happens. Although I appreciate things can change again in 8 years.

Basically in our area, we can afford a 3 bed semi. If we move, we can afford that 3 bed semi plus a loft extension. We were thinking that if DSD comes to live with us at 18, she might like her own space and bathroom.

I think you need to be realistic that you want this change for you. Not because of a milestone the kids have.

Really? That's what you get from my posts?

Does he really want to move away from his minor child to accommodate parents who may be elderly but neither disabled nor infirmed. My parents are elderly but the drive, manage their bust and financial affairs, traveled pre-pandemic, shop, and manage their household and medical appointments.

They would be dismayed at the thought that we would move away from a minor child simply to be near them. Additionally, if you have siblings, are they not available to help in the assisting of your parents?

You can purchase a new home at any time, but you can't purchase a second childhood. I don't know many children who would be happy to have their fathers move away from them just so that they could have a larger bedroom.

I guess it just depends upon your priorities.

How's the relationship between your DH and DSD now? Sometimes one parent invests a lot more energy, time, love and money into the relationship with a child and the bond is so strong that even an hour's drive won't break it. In most cases though teenagers focus on their social lives and interact most with the parent that makes their social life easiest. Arrangements like 2 days a week may no longer be a priority to the teenager and you can't make a teenager keep these arrangements at the expense of their hobbies or friendships anymore.

Agree with previous posters that wanting to take a bus is not the same as not wanting to see you. It's more about establishing independence. However if you move so far away that commuting to you by bus will not be practical than the teen will just won't visit and there'll be nothing you csn do about that.

DSDs are older (12 & 14) so I have some j
insight into this and I would advise against moving further away . I don't think we'd see anywhere near as much of them if they had to get on a bus or miss seeing their friends to see us.

We live a 15 minute walk away which means they can come over for dinner after school and go to their mum's or stay here and easily get to school. If they are here for a weekend they can go out with their friends and come back here just as easily as they can from their mum's.

There are also things like weekend activities to consider. If your DSC joins a Saturday morning activity near her mum's would you be ok with taking her an hour each way every week?

Being close means that we've been easily able to flex contact over the years which has been beneficial to us and their mum and now the DSCs also benefit from this flexibility. They see us when they have nothing better to do rather than being held to a schedule because it's long car ride to get here

If you've already got a 3 bed semi, I wouldn't move (yet...) so much more convenient for kids to have parents who live near each other. My DSD's mum lived just 4 mins walk away and it really made everything so much easier. No picking up needed, no sweat if something was forgotten. All straightforward...

Thanks to those that have posted well reasoned comments. It seems pretty unanimous. I'll have to reset my Rightmove search parameters 😁.

We are renting at the moment, sold a flat, forward purchase fell through (to the poster who asked).

I think you’d need to be prepared for it to be eow fri-mon. Travelling that distance to school on a Monday morning wouldn’t be feasible long term. So you’d probably have to increase maintenance on that basis.

You are thinking way too far ahead with regards to what could happen when DSD is 18. Learning a language and going to uni in a different country is entirely possible, and will be more likely if your relationship deteriorates due to distance. I actually have a teen that studies a language (similar background to yours) even though she never expressed any interest in it previously. She's 14 and takes an intensive language course from the highest rated university in that other country. It's hugely demanding but she's doing it on top her usual school work with the view to apply to a university there. If you want to be able to influence her decisions you need to be close, emotionally but also in practical sense.