Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Telling Step Children and their Mum I'm pregnant.

48 replies

Bearsar90 · 13/09/2021 16:53

Hello, I'd really welcome your advice.

I'm new here so not familiar with acronyms.. sorry.

My partner and I have been together three years. He had a horrendous and long divorce from his ex wife. She had an affair and it devastated him, however through the divorce she was adamant that she should get the lions share of the marital assets, spousal support and pension sharing. Fortunately after a long battle the judge ruled in my partners favour and she didn't get anywhere what she felt she was entitled to. She was given what was sufficient to home her and their children - though we share child care. They had a clean break.

I think she believed he would be a sad case, and would just be there on the sidelines whilst she swanned around with her new partner (who was also married at the time of his affair). But he hasn't, he's got up, dusted himself off, met someone new and stopped being a mug.

Ive just found out I'm pregnant and I couldn't be happier.. however I am so scared about the step children and their mums reaction.
I truly think they will be over the moon, but when she finds out I think she will poison them and it scares me to bring a child into that.

We have one million examples of her outrageous parenting and attempts to alienate their father. I know I am bias, but he is a really good man. His children have been his priority, he's fought at every corner.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how best to deal with this? Has anyone been in this position before?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 13/09/2021 17:00

I haven't been in this position myself (yet!) but I'd say leave it as long as possible before telling the children so she has less time to make them feel worried or sad about it. Much better she only has a couple of months (or however long) than that she can work on them from 12 weeks onwards.

Maybe in the meantime, your partner could do a bit of groundwork with them to try and prep them a bit more for a new arrival? Bring up the topic of how nice it would be to have another brother/sister around, tell the youngest they'd make a great big brother/sister, how fab they would both be at teaching a new sibling to do things etc etc.

He might be able to allay some of their fears (either natural or mum-induced) before you tell them and move them towards a positive mindset about it if he gradually brings it up from time-to-time.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2021 17:05

Wait as long as possible, but the reality is that no matter what you do, you can't control her reaction, whatever it will be. Therefore, don't waste emotional energy worrying about it. She can have the tantrum to end all tantrums, but it won't change anything. She'll just have to get over herself.

Evesgarden · 13/09/2021 17:08

Congratulations op! Flowers

How old are the kids?

CornishTiger · 13/09/2021 17:09

Try and wait til the 20 week scan. Don’t let her drama over this pop your pregnancy bubble.

Original poster
Bearsar90 · 13/09/2021 17:49

Thank you so much for the advice. Makes perfect sense.

They are 4 and 7! Really lovely delightful children. I have a great relationship with them however they keep both homes very separate. I think this makes it easier for them to cope with their Mums reactions to everything.

I don't want to sound like I am belittling her at all. I don't agree the way she handles things sometimes and she does use the children as a weapon.. but on the whole they adore her and she is their mum. I think she's quite resentful of my partner turning his life around. It makes no sense as she has the man she wanted..

OP posts:
honeygriff · 13/09/2021 21:05

Congratulations OP on your lovely news! These type of ex's baffle me. Why did they leave if they were going to end up becoming consumed with jealousy? It doesn't make sense! One thing I've learned is that it doesn't improve with time but my responses to the drama have.

PeeAche · 13/09/2021 21:06

Congratulations!!! Flowers

We didn’t end up with our baby in our arms, but we waited until 20 weeks. I just didn’t get out of the car at handovers for a while…

My DH’s ex is often high conflict but she wasn’t too bad. The kids said she said daddy probably wouldn’t have time to see them much anymore but other than that, not much. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Obviously we had lots of talks and cuddles. I also tried to make sure they had lots of private time with their dad to talk through anything they might not want to say in front of me, because they are very caring and conscientious little souls. Star

They seemed excited and there wasn’t much that mum could do about that. She was a bit mean when we miscarried though.

I don’t know what your contact arrangements are but we waited until we had them for a fortnight of unbroken time to tell them (summer hols)

We didn’t tell their mum directly so she had to hear it through the children. (I was told off about this on Mumsnet.) This was just the nature of the relationship between us.

That’s my experience. Good luck with yours and try not to worry. There will always be people that aren’t happy for you when you share any kind of wonderful news. That’s just the way the world works. I’m over the moon for you though!! Smile

WlderRosie · 13/09/2021 21:08

Congratulations! Focus on telling the children. Your husband can tell his ex.

Doyoumind · 13/09/2021 21:11

There's a 4 yo in the picture and you've been with him for 3 years? She had time for an affair with a baby and toddler around? Wow.

Ohpulltheotherone · 13/09/2021 21:18

I would keep it to yourselves for as long as possible then tell the kids and before DP drops them home he can text the ex
“Just to let you know, we have told the girls we are expecting a baby, due around X month”
She doesn’t need any more info than that, concentrate on answering any questions the kids have and ignore any attempts she makes to ruin it

Ohpulltheotherone · 13/09/2021 21:20

@Doyoumind

There's a 4 yo in the picture and you've been with him for 3 years? She had time for an affair with a baby and toddler around? Wow.
This doesn’t necessary surprise me tbh, a friends ex was having an affair with a work colleague whilst pregnant, it continued when baby was born. All came out when baby was about 3 months old. They are getting divorced currently - such a mess. So yeah, it happens Sad
Original poster
Bearsar90 · 13/09/2021 21:30

@Doyoumind

Yes. She did. It was a shocker.

My partner was sharing child care arrangements and having his little one who was less than a year old. So so sad. But he did a great job. They adore him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearsar90 · 13/09/2021 21:32

Thanks so much.

I like the idea of extended time with the children, we will most likely do that around Christmas time then.

I really appreciate the advice. I wasn't sure whether to post or not.

It's been a really rocky ride with regards to the child care agreement and the financial agreement but it's all ok black and white now which helps!

Xxx

OP posts:
MeridianB · 14/09/2021 06:09

It sounds like you’re right to anticipate trouble. Some great advice here - leave it as long as you can, tell the children at the start of a chunk of time with you, tell the ex while they are with you (so she can direct her immediate anger somewhere else

Also, as they are so little, tons and tons of reassurance of how special and loved they both are and the baby won’t change that.

Build in plenty of 1:1 and 1:2 time for them and dad once baby comes and keep all the reassuring messaging going.

Does your partner have court ordered contact arrangements?

Try not to let the ex spoil this happy time. 💐

sassbott · 14/09/2021 08:42

In amongst the clean break is there a CO in place?

Pompom2367 · 14/09/2021 12:43

When we told SS we slowly mentioned the idea of it before telling him by that point he was quite excited

Original poster
Bearsar90 · 14/09/2021 20:12

@sassbott yes there is.

It was put in place before the clean break.

OP posts:
Justbecause88 · 14/09/2021 22:38

Do you actually need to tell their mum? It's none of her business and telling her formally will make her feel like she has more power/a right to know your business. I would keep it from DSC as long as possible and plant the seed about having a baby brother or sister in the meantime. You can tell DSC then when you are ready and they will tell their mother. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my DC2 and we haven't told my DSS's yet because we don't want the drama from their mother. We didn't tell her about DS1 and certainly won't be telling her about this one. Absolutely none of her business.

bogoffmda · 14/09/2021 23:23

As the EX in this situation I was not told EDD or vaguely anything that helped -around March and April.

We would like DSCS to be around so please don't go away - I had booked two weeks in April /Easter holidays to go and see family.

DC ended up having major surgery on the week of the due date - I accepted the date as DC really quite ill - 3 weeks notice and then got blasted for choosing that week - just to wreck the birth.That came from the SM - problem was I did not know and tbh was not jeopardising my DCS health for the birth.

So yes it does help to have a vague idea of EDD - it was allegedly his weekend to have DCS - no notice just told on the day he was not going to have them. I was going to the theatre with friends - cancelled.

So yeah not telling the EX when you expect instant child care helps!!

Congrats OP -enjoy

OrangeJuiceAndNoodles · 14/09/2021 23:52

I feel like nobody really needs to tell her?

Tell the children when the time is right, that's the bit to focus on. I'm sure they'll tell her themselves and you'll just have to leave her to have whatever reaction she's going to have.

Wole · 15/09/2021 06:51

@OrangeJuiceAndNoodles

I feel like nobody really needs to tell her?

Tell the children when the time is right, that's the bit to focus on. I'm sure they'll tell her themselves and you'll just have to leave her to have whatever reaction she's going to have.

I wanted to do this but DH pointed out that then means you leave the DSC to tell mum and puts them in a tricky spot if they know their mum might react badly. We told the DSC together then I left the room so DH could talk to them and say it's ok if they don't know how they feel about it and then he asked them if they wanted him to tell their mum. They did so he just sent them a text that said something like, Wole is pregnant, we've told DSC who wanted me to let you know.
Evesgarden · 15/09/2021 07:19

I think transparency is key here OP, I would as a PP suggested start slowly dropping the idea to the dc and build up to letting them know when you tell other people or it becomes obvious. They are both at an age they would love a little baby to help take care of. Get them involved with choosing things for the new baby and get them excited for the new arrival.

My middle one got a present the day I came home with our youngest - just so it felt celebratory for her too and they had something to distract them from the amount of attention the new baby got. When she came to visit in the hospital I took a picture of her holding the new baby and it was in a frame with in a couple of days in the living room so she could see she was involved with the baby. My DGM bought a cake round with "congratulations on your baby sister" written on it. I know its my bio kids but I can't see why that wouldn't be as effective with SDC. I really worried that my middle one would struggle as she was very clingy anyway but it was a smooth transition.

Regarding the SM, even though you dont have too, Id approach it respectfully and maturely. No you dont have to tell her anything but if she finds out third hand or last minute her reaction will be in front of the kids and they will experience it. Your primary focus should be on the three children having the best sibling relationship possible so that means dragging every bit of emotional maturity you've got together to make that happen and preempting any come backs the Sm may throw at you. The earlier you tell her, the earlier she can blow steam off and repair any issues she may have passed on to the kids and allow you to bring the new baby home in peace. Get your Dh to field calls or not pass shitty messages on if she starts.

Congratulations again OP!

Wole · 15/09/2021 07:30

They are both at an age they would love a little baby to help take care of. I'd tread carefully with this and just follow their lead. Ask them if they want to help but don't get upset if they say no. You might find they aren't as excited as you'd hoped. When baby is here again, don't assume they'll want to help, they might resent being asked to watch the baby/fetch a nappy etc. Hopefully they'll love the idea but don't panic if they don't.

CornishTiger · 15/09/2021 07:43

Also the weekend you decide to tell the children that’s when you tell her.

Then she can blow off steam before the children come back.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/09/2021 08:27

Fortunately after a long battle the judge ruled in my partners favour and she didn't get anywhere what she felt she was entitled to. She was given what was sufficient to home her and their children - though we share child care

Do you mean that they ended up splitting the assets 50/50 with her staying in the family home (pending future sale)? "She was given sufficient" is what I hear men saying when they have managed to hide a chunk of the assets.

Telling children about impending siblings is generally best done bit by bit especially when they are very young.