Telling Step Children and their Mum I'm pregnant.

[Bearsar90]

Hello, I'd really welcome your advice.

I'm new here so not familiar with acronyms.. sorry.

My partner and I have been together three years. He had a horrendous and long divorce from his ex wife. She had an affair and it devastated him, however through the divorce she was adamant that she should get the lions share of the marital assets, spousal support and pension sharing. Fortunately after a long battle the judge ruled in my partners favour and she didn't get anywhere what she felt she was entitled to. She was given what was sufficient to home her and their children - though we share child care. They had a clean break.

I think she believed he would be a sad case, and would just be there on the sidelines whilst she swanned around with her new partner (who was also married at the time of his affair). But he hasn't, he's got up, dusted himself off, met someone new and stopped being a mug.

Ive just found out I'm pregnant and I couldn't be happier.. however I am so scared about the step children and their mums reaction.
I truly think they will be over the moon, but when she finds out I think she will poison them and it scares me to bring a child into that.

We have one million examples of her outrageous parenting and attempts to alienate their father. I know I am bias, but he is a really good man. His children have been his priority, he's fought at every corner.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how best to deal with this? Has anyone been in this position before?

Thanks in advance!

Do you mean that they ended up splitting the assets 50/50 with her staying in the family home (pending future sale)? "She was given sufficient" is what I hear men saying when they have managed to hide a chunk of the assets.

What's that got to do with what OP is asking?

There's a 4 yo in the picture and you've been with him for 3 years? She had time for an affair with a baby and toddler around? Wow.

How long was the affair going on for. Is he sure the youngest child is his?

What's that got to do with what OP is asking?

Since the OP included this information they consider it relevant.

I think OP is making the point that the mother is an unreasonable and grabby so and so

I think OP is making the point that the mother is an unreasonable and grabby so and so

Yes quite possibly. In which case its reasonable to ask the context before judging either way.

@Justbecause88

Do you actually need to tell their mum? It's none of her business and telling her formally will make her feel like she has more power/a right to know your business. I would keep it from DSC as long as possible and plant the seed about having a baby brother or sister in the meantime. You can tell DSC then when you are ready and they will tell their mother. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my DC2 and we haven't told my DSS's yet because we don't want the drama from their mother. We didn't tell her about DS1 and certainly won't be telling her about this one. Absolutely none of her business.

I'd be a bit cautious about doing this, although OP's dps ex sounds like hard work, but whilst I wouldn't formally announce it be prepared that the children may not be able to get their heads around the news, and not telling their Mum may mean when they aren't with their Dad they don't have someone to talk to about it?

That wouldn't be easy though, as she sounds hard work.

I say that as my ex told DS when he was 4 that he was going to get a baby sibling, but didn't tell me (no nastiness, just didn't do it!). DS didn't take it particularly well - mainly due to age and not understanding the set up and what it would mean to him - and I had no idea why suddenly his behaviour changed, he became subdued etc. In the end I got in touch with his Dad and he told me that he'd been told about the baby. It would have been useful for me to know so I could support him whilst he wasn't at his Dads. To DS, it wasn't positive news, so he didn't come running from his Dads, instead he bottled it up. For a short time it put a negative spin on their relationship, as DS took it as being told he was being replaced (he admitted that years later)

I'm not saying that I would be the case in your DSC case, they may take it brilliantly etc, but if not be prepared that they may need a bit more support and if they are the type to bottle things up (like DS ) then finding a way for their Mum to know about it may be helpful.

Not easy though, as sounds like she might not be that supportive of them

@C8H10N4O2 to be fair the only person who can deem it fair or not - is a judge. Which actually did find it fair. So they are supposed to have no bias and usually any bias actually it resides with the mother in terms financial terms if she's the main carer of the kids. I should know being the mother on the other side of the fence (hopefully not one as loopy as this one).
Let's not try and make this about something else though

Congratulations OP 🌹
OP I wouldnt tell the kids until 20 weeks just because I have had some bad luck in this area and it's one thing to tell the kids, it's also quite another to see their heartbreak when it goes wrong. Thankfully the ex/mum on my DH was so bloody lovely when it happened. However I have been part of a unlucky groups of people and this will in all likely hood not apply to you. But just a word of caution.

Tell the kids first and ex after and I would say to the kids look we understand your mum may have feelings about this that aren't positive, and that's ok but your entitled to feel how you feel and if you have any questions/fears just chat to us and we will be as transparent as we can be. Tell them you will tell mum so they don't feel like they have to keep it a secret too would be my advice.

Transparency is key. Since CO is in place you should be ok. But prepare for worst expect the best.

@LiamGallagherIsHot

There's a 4 yo in the picture and you've been with him for 3 years? She had time for an affair with a baby and toddler around? Wow.

How long was the affair going on for. Is he sure the youngest child is his?

What's this got to do with telling the kids about the baby?

If there is any chance that your dps ex could hear elsewhere l would tell her earlier as that might cause further trouble. And run the risk of the dc hearing from her not your dp. Remember dps family will know l presume so it's important to get in there first. If you have anything on social media etc make sure she knows before that and the children.
After you tell dc try not to let everything be about the new baby after that although you will be excited yourself. Let them see life is still normal and they are still the centre.

Due to the children's age wait until after 20 weeks. There is no point telling younger children that you are having a baby early as they don't really understand time periods.

As his ex-wife kicks off and is horrible if there are any important occasions around 20 weeks e.g. a birthday then wait a few days after that occasion to tell them.

As she is not related to this child then she doesn't need to know any more information about your pregnancy. So only after this baby is born should she be told that the baby is born.

Don't be surprised around the date of your expected labour she is horrible about contact especially trying to force your DP to have contact when you are in labour. So make sure you and your DP have other relations/close friends who are willing to look after his elder two children.

@Doyoumind

There's a 4 yo in the picture and you've been with him for 3 years? She had time for an affair with a baby and toddler around? Wow.

It's easier to hide as the baby/toddler can't dob you in. My partner's ex-wife used to bring her lover round to the house while my partner was at work, take him upstairs to fuck in their bed while their 3-year-old son was parked in front of the television and left to watch Thomas the Tank on repeat🙄

Soon came back to bite her though because the little lad eventually developed sufficient speech to say to my partner one day, "I don't like it when Mummy keeps taking her friends upstairs". That's how it all unraveled.

Of course, she'd have carried on for much longer had her son remained an infant forever lol.

@C8H10N4O2

The ex wife received more than 50%. She received the marital home with no terms, no mortgage.

She wanted 100% of all assets as there were other properties involved. She justified her request by stating that my partner is young and has a good job so can start from scratch. She also requested spousal support, pension sharing and so on. I note that she has a career.

The judge felt that was entirely unreasonable of her.

It's not relevant to my OP however it's something I'd freely talk about... I know women have had hideous experiences in court and I know men have had the same. Our experience was a reasonable man trying to secure time with his children and leave his ex wife in a fair position. It was actually his ex wife who wanted to 'rinse' him. The process was long and awful but the outcome was fair. Fair based on the best interests of the children, fair to both adults continuing with some kind of life and fair based on what was contributed before and during the marriage.

I worry I sound any kind of way. I don't mean to.

It's difficult for parents and step parents. I just want to be respectful to her, but also protect my baby's relationship with his/her siblings.

@Wole

No denying the youngest is his. Double.

@Bearsar90 I'm glad the judge saw that for what it was which is bananas !

I bet that went down badly with the ex ? When the judge handed down his ruling.

I'm just sorry you feel like you have to justify yourself on these matters. I know you have been happy to share it but it's really doesn't have any relevance to your original question, it's nit picking at it's finest as part of the course here though sadly.

@Harlequin1088 And this is relevant to the OP situation she is asking about how?

Some people - both women and men- are entitled. This entitlement includes thinking they can control a spouse or ex-spouse.

[quote Bearsar90]@Wole

No denying the youngest is his. Double.[/quote]
I wasnt questioning it and think its irrelevant to your question so shouldn't have been asked.

It's difficult for parents and step parents. I just want to be respectful to her, but also protect my baby's relationship with his/her siblings.

You can't be respectful to her as you have no relationship with her. Just make sure as particularly she has shown who she is, that you take care of yourself during this pregnancy and keep your child completely away from her until they are old enough to stand up to BS.

You can be respectful to your baby and his/her siblings as you have a relationship with them. This means you don't engage with their mother to put them in the middle of conflict.

It's difficult for parents and step parents. I just want to be respectful to her, but also protect my baby's relationship with his/her siblings. you don't have to be respectful to her, just don't be disrespectful and it will be fine. Don't feel you have to think about the effect on her at all. Just put the stepchildren and your family first.

I don't want to sound like I am belittling her at all. . No, no OP.

Seriously, what went on before he met and what she did is absolutely nothing to do with you infact I don't know why you gave all the history at all, you weren't even there, this is all second-hand info from your partner.

As per your OP, the job of telling the ex you are pregnant is completely up to your dh. You don't have to say anything at all, you've got nothing to do with her. I think you and your partner should jointly tell the the stepchildren though. Good luck with your pregnancy.

Thank you for all the kind advice.

I've taken some really good points from this thread but I think it's perhaps going off subject and risks offending others or even myself.

Some really great tips and experience! Thank you x

We had / have one of those ex's. She had the affair and left DSS as well as DH. When we were expecting we waited until post 12 weeks and dropped her a message after one of his contact weekends, ie she found out after DSS did so we had some time before he saw her again to head off any issues.

I don't know if she was jealous but definitely not particularly maternal.
I would just not underestimate how low an ex can go in terms of undermining you or planting ideas in the Dcs heads.

Certain things like - he will love the baby more than you / the baby gets all these presents and you don't/ SM only loves the baby and not you anymore- just try to have covered them off with the DC. Big them up hugely about how important big siblings they will be.

You sounds like a lovely SM and I hope it all works out for you. One other thing I would say is that it's your first baby and when there are DSC around that can sometimes be forgotten by DH and other family. I was doing the school run for DSS a few days after giving birth and distinctly remember trying to bf one handed whilst cooking his tea. Your DH really has to step up in making sure you get the recovery and bonding time you really need and not put pressure on you to join in family stuff when you are not ready.

Thank you @olivesnutsandcheeseplease

Xx

I never told my Step Kids' mom I'm pregnant. Because it's not her business. I told them!
Obviously they ran to tell her and honestly it's not my problem what she thinks about it or how she'll handle it.
Do not be scared to stand up for yourself and your child. You'll see when the maternal side kicks in, you won't give a rat's A*( for anyone's opinions. All you'll care about is your child.