How to split finances?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Not sure whether this fits here....looking for some advice on splitting costs (no judgement on the fact that we have separate finances please).

Husband has two kids, one away at uni. His youngest is with us 3 days a week. I have one daughter who is about to go to uni. When his eldest was at home my husband paid 60% of food costs to reflect the fact that he has more than one child. We then moved to 50/50 when eldest went to uni. My question is whether I should ask him to move back to 60/40? It might also be relevant that I'm paying half of daughter's rent whilst at uni, whilst he's paying nothing for his son as he got max loans due to his mum's salary and her house being classed as his main residence. So money will be a bit tighter for me than it has been.

Yes. If you can't afford to subsidise his child and support your own then that's what you tell him. You wouldn't be asking to change the status quo as this is how you have always worked out proportions. Why are you worried you're now being unreasonable?

50/50 seems fair food wise, I’m not sure it costs an extra 10% to make an extra portion three days a week when cooking anyway. I’d feel like they were being resented a meal if expected to pay more.

50/50 seems fair food wise, I’m not sure it costs an extra 10% to make an extra portion three days a week when cooking anyway. I’d feel like they were being resented a meal if expected to pay more.

Yep.

If he has enough, and you are struggling, that seems sensible.

But if he is difficult about money, he may not see it that way, which would certainly make me reconsider the relationship.

Hmmm, quite different responses. He also takes a packed lunch to school so it's not just about making an extra dinner portion. I guess it's the rent outlay for me (which husband doesn't have to pay) which is making me question the current split. FWIW, it's technically my house (he moved in with me) but we split bills and mortgage etc 50/50. We earn pretty much the same.

Depends how far away your daughter is going, and how often she'll be back.
If her main residence is with you and she'll back regularly for weekends and holidays, with the uni calendar being so much shorter than the school calendar, she may be home as often as it to nearly average out with his kid being there 3 days a week.
Or covid could hit again and she could be home and doing remote learning.
I'd wait a bit longer to see what happens before redoing the finances.

Good point....I doubt she'll be home at weekends but she will be home for holidays. She's going to be a 2 hour drive away.

Is your daughter working?

@Getawaywithit

Is your daughter working?

Part time, yes. Why? She's supplementing her minimum maintenance loan.

Realistically she will probably be home for 2.5 months in the summer, a month at Xmas and a month at Easter. So that is 4.5/12 of the year or 0.375 in a decimal.

His youngest is there 3/7 of the time or 0.429 as a decimal.

So you are 1.375 people and he is 1.429 people.

1.375 / (1.375 + 1.429) = 0.49

So to be fair you should split it 49 / 51 which doesn’t really seem worth the conversation.

Unless his eldest stays a lot too??!?

@Mumoftwoinprimary that's a good way to look at it, thanks. Not worth the conversation, you're right. His eldest hasn't stayed since last Xmas but he's coming for a short visit next week.

Well that's all well and good, but your daughter is short on her loans because of his income. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me for you to ask for something towards the extra you're paying out because of that.

I personally don't agree with this but University is the one time when a stepparent has to support their stepchildren financially if they are living with the RP.

Depending on your incomes, your dd has possibly got less student financing available to her because you live with your husband.

So your DH shouldn't be refusing to increase his contribution, especially as he isn't contributing to his own child.

It's a really important conversation that couples need to have before moving in together.

I think you need to sit down with him and work out all income, out goings and assets with him and decide what's fair. Does he have any equity at all in your home or is he just paying into your mortgage? If he's paying into your asset he might see this as unfair and therefore he unwilling to increase his contribution.

To be clear, he hasn't refused. I haven't even asked him at the minute. I just wanted to know what people thought was fair.

He’s effectively paying your mortgage with no equity in your home…. If this has been the case for some time he might see this as unfair. does he own any property?

He'll get beneficial interest @user47000000000 so that point is moot

I find all this 50/60/40 stuff confusing and weird.

We are a blended family and we just put all our income into one pot and everything comes out of that - the point we work on is that we should both have equal spending money. So we transfer a set and equal amount to our own bank accounts every month from the joint account and everything else is for family expenditure - we don’t separate the kids into yours and mine (we have one at university too). We have been together 13 years and have always done it this way.

@Bagelsandbrie

I find all this 50/60/40 stuff confusing and weird.

We are a blended family and we just put all our income into one pot and everything comes out of that - the point we work on is that we should both have equal spending money. So we transfer a set and equal amount to our own bank accounts every month from the joint account and everything else is for family expenditure - we don’t separate the kids into yours and mine (we have one at university too). We have been together 13 years and have always done it this way.

That's fine if that's what you choose to do, but I already said that we don't have joint finances so that's why I was asking the question in the first place.

We don't have joint finances . We simply each put half of the cost of regular monthly expenses into a household account and all bills are paid from that account. We found if unnecessarily cumbersome to try an equate things on a percentage of use basis and concluded that neither of us cared about normal life fluctuations enough to bother with trying to adjust for that. Over time we figure that it all works out equitably .

I know that this is neither your question or your concern, but it might be nice if he paid the same amount each month that you pay towards your daughter's rent to reduce his son's loan indebtedness. He could send that amount each month to his son's lending institution, or alternatively he could save that bc amount monthly to give to his son upon graduation.

This is a tough one, I can see it from both sides.

I think it's totally fine for you to ask that he puts in a bit extra for the cost of the packed lunch and dinners for his youngest (assuming it's things you wouldn't normally buy?) now that they're the only one home, if you want to do that. However, I do think that if you do this, you need to return the favour whenever your daughter is home, and it may end up more expensive for you in the long run as feeding an adult every day during the hols is probably quite a lot more expensive than feeding his youngest 3 days a week.

Also I have to admit I wouldn't be too happy with this in your partner's shoes myself, as I would expect the costs for the home we actually live in to come first, before you offered to pay quite so much of your daughter's rent. I really wouldn't be happy that you agreed to do that if you couldn't afford it without cutting down what you contributed to our home.

Again, not saying it's not OK to ask him to pay for the extras he needs for his younger child, but I'd guess that the cost to feed his kid is negligible compared to what you're now paying for your daughter's rent. So your partner might see it as a bit petty if you're paying out, say, £400 for your daughter's rent but then trying to claw back £25 from him for the 50% you are currently paying of his child's food while with you because you can't really afford it.

Also I have to admit I wouldn't be too happy with this in your partner's shoes myself, as I would expect the costs for the home we actually live in to come first, before you offered to pay quite so much of your daughter's rent. I really wouldn't be happy that you agreed to do that if you couldn't afford it without cutting down what you contributed to our home.

Parents are expected to top up minimum maintenance loans for their kids whilst at uni. Not a lot I can do about it. I'm still paying half of the household costs - my question was more about what's fair.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Also I have to admit I wouldn't be too happy with this in your partner's shoes myself, as I would expect the costs for the home we actually live in to come first, before you offered to pay quite so much of your daughter's rent. I really wouldn't be happy that you agreed to do that if you couldn't afford it without cutting down what you contributed to our home.

Parents are expected to top up minimum maintenance loans for their kids whilst at uni. Not a lot I can do about it. I'm still paying half of the household costs - my question was more about what's fair.

You're not actually obliged to contribute though, and defo not to the extent of half her rent? Loads of students get by on their maintenance loan plus working around uni.

That aside though, I still think it's fine and fair for you to ask your partner to contribute extra/sort out the bits his child needs, but I think it just depends how much this is actually costing you extra as to whether it's worth bringing up or not.

She has a MINIMUM maintenance loan of around £4.2K, which doesn't even cover her rent. Parents are expected to top up if students only get the minimum. It's clear you haven't had kids go through uni yet.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

She has a MINIMUM maintenance loan of around £4.2K, which doesn't even cover her rent. Parents are expected to top up if students only get the minimum. It's clear you haven't had kids go through uni yet.

I understand that she is getting the minimum, I had this exact situation at uni myself.