What would you do

[candlelightsatdawn]

So firstly this isn't a situation I'm in (frankly and selfishly I'm grateful because this one has me conflicted)

My friend is SM been in SD since she was one and she's now 14 .She's very close with SD and gets on well with her mum and everyone gets on very well together (bar the normal tiffs).

SD has confided in my friend her SM that's she's pregnant and has asked SM not to tell dad or mum because she's considering her options. SD reasoning is that both are very pro life (very religious) and the fallout would be bad disowned by both dad and mum. SM believes this isn't a over reaction, as they have said as much and both parents opted out of teaching SD about contraception as they both agree and believe that absentance is the only way forward and sex before marriage makes you a w*e. The dad in question is SD bf and is of same age, I don't know if that's relevant.

She doesn't know what to do, as is aware SD is a child but also aware that 14 is very young to be disowned by both parents and that she has no parental rights to make any choices either way. She is trying to respect her SD privacy but also the ex and her DH and their wishes

This has me stumped - I really don't k ow what to advise, if it was a case of sex not being consensual tell the parents but SD says that's not the case and she's petrified of having a baby. SD isn't far of her majority either and can access these services I believe without parents knowing. SM is trying support anyway she can but isn't sure where the line is.

What would you do ? I'm asking both mums and step mums here ?

I'm mainly asking because for the first time ever, I'm not sure what to advise my friend and she's split right down the middle. She loves SD and also loves DH even if her views are different to his on the matter. I suspect it's part of the reason why she spoke to my friend about it.

Can this not turn into a ethical debate over abortion or not. So much as in what if anything should she do and not do.

I’m so sorry for what this child is going through. I had an abortion at 18 and didn’t tell anyone. It was very traumatic and lonely.

If this were my step daughter, and I do have a step daughter, I would have to tell my DH. It would not be my place to tell her mum, however well we got on. DH would have to facilitate that.

Naturally, although my DH is not religious, he too would be distraught (and possibly angry, but it would pass) at this news.

I suppose I would sit DSS and DH down together for the chat. I would just try to mediate and support my SD through that difficult conversation in every way I could.

This is the only advice I can offer really. In my family, I would make sure DH knew as quickly as possible, however messy that was. I couldn’t keep something so serious from him, about his child. But this is also just the kind of marriage we have. I appreciate that marriages and families come in all shapes and sizes.

Hypothetically, if I could bring myself to keep this from him, and laterally he found out by other means, I believe it could drive such a wedge between us that it could ruin our marriage. And with that also in mind, I would reinforce my recommendation that the DH needs to be told about his daughter.

I should have said: 14 year old girls can often be surprised at how their parents will react to things. The well of love that parents draw from is enormous. Boundless! Bottomless! It will be messy, but it’s unlikely she’ll be cast out. She’s their little girl, after all. My husband and I would never turn our backs on his daughter in a crisis.

My first thought - probably wrongly - is what on earth are you doing with a man who would disown his child because she got pregnant?

I assume both parents are religious - which church/religion? Can I ask if they are in the UK and whereabouts in particular?

There is the gillick-competency 'thing' if your friend were to take her to a doctor but whether or not they would do a sign off on an abortion without parental knowledge can't be confirmed, I don't think, by anyone here. Hopefully someone with experience on the gillick-compentency issue will be along to help with what could happen with that.

I would confirm the pregnancy in the first instance. Encourage reading up on abortion/adoption/having the baby - I am sure there will be plenty of good advice out there. Hopefully you can be directed to websites that will help with impartial advice and obviously you can discuss the pros and cons wiht her. I would read up on what could happen to her at 14 if the parents do abandon her - I assume foster care to 18 and to discuss this worst case scenario with her. And then support whatever decision she wants to make - help her access an abortion (if possible) or tell her parents if she wants to keep the baby.

I would also seriously consider my relationship with him and recognise that if I help his child have a secret abortion or he abandons his child because she is pregnant, there probably isn't any relationship left.

I think you're either going to have to encourage her to tell him or tell him yourself and be prepared to walk away from the relationship if he disowns her over it. Maybe then you could support her directly if her parents won't?

I mean your friend sorry!

@PeeAche this is probably what I would do tbh but I know that although hubby would hit the roof, I could if necessary play go between. Although god it's a awful situation and not knowing the players in depth I can only apply what I would do, but every option gives me the ick.

@Getawaywithit I agree tbh he's not my cup of tea in the politest sense, he's got some views I personally dislike intensely and is not the nicest person you will meet but maybe that's my bias showing. My friend said that they haven't ever had to face up to a real life conflict where they are so opposite so usually operate on a live and let live situation. I did ask if he would really disown his daughter, she doesn't think he would (he's the softer out of the two) but on the condition she had the baby and gave it up for adoption and never speak of it again and then would be heavily monitored/ restricted in what she could and couldn't do until way passed her majority, she pretty certain she wouldn't stay with him if he did that but I worry about rose tinted glasses. We both fear the child's life would be better off in foster care if the type of behaviour she thinks would happen would happen and not just from dads side and I say this as someone know about care system.
They are here in Uk but expats from the southern regions of USA the Bible Belt . I want to say Christians but my friends a atheist and that hasn't seemed to have caused their marriage yet. But this seems like a a fundamental flaw but you know different strokes different folks.

If you can tell I really quite dislike this man tbh not that I share that with my pal as she's my friend and I'm not his.

@StarshipsAreMeantToFly I mean I'm a little shocked her husband's view point is still a round in this century but again I really worry that she wants to believe he wouldn't do it and I personally think both mums and him would

In all honesty I would take SD to the doctors, get the pregnancy confirmed, go over the options and fully support whatever she decided.

If she wants an abortion and doesn't want her parents to know, and your friend genuinely believes that her dh would disown his daughter, I would go with her and keep it secret.

If she wants to keep the pregnancy and have a child I would support her in telling her parents and be fully prepared to leave dh if he disowned his own child.

This child is asking for help, and its largely her parents fault that she is in this mess IMHO. She needs someone to advocate for her.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I think that would be my approach too.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

In all honesty I would take SD to the doctors, get the pregnancy confirmed, go over the options and fully support whatever she decided.

If she wants an abortion and doesn't want her parents to know, and your friend genuinely believes that her dh would disown his daughter, I would go with her and keep it secret.

If she wants to keep the pregnancy and have a child I would support her in telling her parents and be fully prepared to leave dh if he disowned his own child.

This child is asking for help, and its largely her parents fault that she is in this mess IMHO. She needs someone to advocate for her.

This sounds like a better solution than mine. It puts SD first. And if the parents don't support her and SM is willing to then this sounds like the best solution. She would have to be prepared to leave if he did react badly.

@candlelightsatdawn
If your friend and her step daughter wait much longer to disclose, the options will be so limited that there are few choices left to make.

By not taking any action they are making a decision. The parents may act consistently with their obviously deeply felt religious beliefs. They may instead be responsive to the daughter's plight. The daughter will never know until she gives them the opportunity.

Sadly, there is no way that the daughter can avoid the consequences that come with the decision to be sexually active. Right now her inaction is having an opportunity cost and she may be losing the opportunity that she might have preferred to make.

It is not an easy situation, but when you engage in adult actions you must be prepared to handle adult consequences. This will be life altering situation, but it is far from a life ending situation. There are many agencies and services for teen mothers should she opt to go that route. Perhaps, it might be best to direct her to professionals who deal with these situations on a daily basis.

I agree with PP I would take her to the Doctor's and discuss her options with her at length, I would keep it a secret for her if she decided to have an abortion.

With shitty parents like that she needs the support.

What a hard situation for your friend.

Her DSD has, albeit unintentionally, put her in a very difficult position, but I'm swaying towards the SM has to respect her wishes and be the support she clearly needs.

If your friend thinks that they can 100% keep this between them, then that's what I would suggest.

But there is always the risk that it will come out and that it will cause the end of her marriage. Especially since it sounds like an already quite difficult relationship between the DD and parents. She could tell them in years to come for a number of reasons.

14 though... makes me wonder how things would be if the parents had handled things differently.

I assume the boys parents don't know?

I would keep the girl's confidence. I'd support her but insist she sees medical professionals to have the pregnancy checked and confirmed, and have someone talk through the options with her. If she opted to keep the pregnancy then the parents will obviously know about that, if she wants to terminate she needs someone to support her without fear or judgement.
If this was a new step-parent then things would be different, but you says she's been in her life since she was 1 so she is a solid presence in the girl's life.

I would absolutely do what @StarshipsAreMeantToFly has suggested.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with anybody that would disown their child.
She’s a child.
She’s in a situation where she needs support and guidance and mostly love.
In an ideal world she wouldn’t be sexually active at 14 and this wouldn’t have happened but we don’t live in an ideal world and underage sex does happen.
Step mum shouldn’t keep this from mum and dad but also should talk to step daughter about this before telling Mum and dad and explain why but also explain that she will be their for step daughter whatever happens in my opinion so that step daughter knows she won’t be alone and knows what will happen before it does and won’t resent and fall out with step mum.

Part of me does kind of also think, encourage her to tell them. If they disown her, she's probably better off out of it. As is the SM.

Does SM have kids with her DH?

If this was my daughter or step daughter I would be devastated if she felt she couldn't turn to her parents for support- how absolutely awful for this poor girl.

In your friends position of being the only adult she was comfortable turning to I would have to encourage her to read up on her options, speak to her about how she is/ feeling/ what she's thinks she'd like to do as well as encourage her to speak to her parents. I'd make sure she knew that whatever they did to her (as in disowning- wtf, who does that?!) I would be there to support though. I have to admit if my daughter came to me and told me she was pregnant and my husband reacted in any way other than support for her I think our relationship would be over- I've been with him more than half my life but I couldn't tolerate that reaction of a parent towards their child who they purport to love.

Like your friend I am an atheist and am pro choice- I would have to help and support this child in whatever she chose. How religious are the parents if they were happy to divorce? That's not looked kindly on in most fundamental/evangelical circles surely?

I think she needs to tell her H and he has the conversation with mum.. As a mum I'd be incredibly hurt if my daughter felt she couldn't confide in me. I think she needs to be there when DH has that conversation with mum though as she is a big part of her life, when she tells her husband, she can also say his Dd is very scared and terrified of being disowned. I picture what I'd do as a parent, I'm roman Catholic and whilst I'd be devastated if my daughter got pregnant at 14, I would also do every thing I could to support her and not make her feel judged or scared.. It's a horrible situation to be in, but she needs to tell her husband..

I mean re the divorce I absolutely have no idea how you can pick elements of what part of the religion you follow by the book and which parts you don't. I'm not sure tbh.

My friend has no kids of her own. Never explained why and I never asked. Having suffered with my fertility and speaking to her about it I suspect she's had similar from the few comments she's made but I haven't pried.

I'm really glad I'm not the only one struggling with this because I thought maybe my judgement was clouded as I think my friends DH is a 🔔 end.

It would kill me to keep it from DH because imagine if that came out down the line? Would your friend ever be forgiven?

But if my SD came to me and I had real concerns this would destroy relationships with her parents I would take her to get it confirmed and see all options how far along etc then we would go on a 'girly trip' to conceal the abortion.
I too had a secret one albeit I was 22 as my parents although supporting of me would never of understood a termination and I know it would of cause major relationship problems. So at 15 I wouldn't want that for SD.

Oh

In this situation, if she goes to the doctor, I think she may be offered a social worker. If so, the SW can handle the tricky stuff with the parents!

Also, if she opts for adoption, there's a queue a mile long for a healthy child from 2 healthy teenagers. Couples will (literally) walk over live coals for a baby. That child would be raised like royalty!

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/teenage-pregnancy/

At 14 with a consensual relationship with same age boyfriend, I'd have thought it unlikely that it would meet the threshold for a social worker anywhere in the UK.
Most places in the UK no longer require you to go to a GP before you book a termination (I think that that's the preferred choice from what you've said?). The local service is commissioned from a well known private provider.
If she's under 9 weeks or so they would be likely to offer her a medical termination rather than surgical.
On the whole most 14 year olds would be considered competent and it would be perfectly possible to manage without the parents knowing - I've come across girls sometimes staying over at a friend's house etc if they've had an anaesthetic or just telling their parent that it's a bad period if it's after a medical termination.
From a practical point of view, if your friend wants to help then I don't think it would be too tricky (bearing in mind that I don't know how much the dad is out of the house etc). From a moral point of view in terms of not telling him... it's hard but it sounds as though his reaction will be very unsupportive. I think it maybe comes down to how likely the SD is to keep the secret for ever and if it ever came out would your friend's relationship be over for good? How would she feel about that?

I think the prospect of a 14yr old being homeless would raise some alarms. Anyway, more discussion here:

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/legal-social-services-1109/court-cases-43/1347611-do-social-services-get-involved-just-being-young-mum.html

I wasn't as young as your SD had an abortion, highly religious parents who strongly objected (roman catholic). It was very hard but I knew even then I could not have a baby, did not want a baby. My parents found it very hard, and it impacted our relationship for a long time. They were very judgmental but oddly my Father came round first and he was the most devout.. decades later we don't speak of it as it's shameful but all parties have acknowledged (however uncomfortable) it was the right choice. I could not withhold something like this from a partner, but it would not be my information to tell, I'd encourage her to speak to her Dad even do it with her and help moderate the reaction. As a Mum I'd be devastated if my daughter were pregnant but more devastated if she could not confide in me. The thought her facing this alone would break me.

Personally, I'd help her even though it wouldn't be my place. Your friends SD turned to her as she needed someone. Your friend could either:

• If she's not certain re abortion, help her get to her GP to some impartial support and help. She can access services without parental consent and they can help her understand her options and access whatever help she needs.
• If she's certain about abortion, to access services (you don't need a GP referral from what I recall).

Thank you all for the advice, I'm firmly of the camp your body your choice and I have shown the responses on thread to my friend and she said she's going to support her SD as SD is pretty adamant that she does not want to continue with the pregnancy and it's been confirmed and working back on dates it's early enough to be managed without surgery.

She's said she will support SD speaking to her dad if SD chooses but won't breach her SD trust by telling him first. Regardless of the impact on her marriage and has said push comes to shove and mum/dad do disown her if SD does tell them, then SD will always have a home for her, with or without DH, and that door will never be shut to her. I suspect that maybe this live let live thing has run it's course.

Thank you all for sharing your view points on it and your personal accounts. I really haven't come across a situation which really has tested my own SM ethical lines so strongly before, so you guys have provided much better advice than I did when first approached !