Accused of not caring as much now we have "our" baby

[Pictur3Perfect]

By DHs ex 🙄

We have an arrangement re back to school buying where DHs ex buys shoes and stationary (pencil cases etc..) and we buy coats, bag and lunch boxes/bottles. Rest of uniform is split 50:50.

Some years if either of us are out shopping, the other will just send us the money they were going to spend on their stuff and we'll get it whilst out and send whatever we don't spend back.

Usually we'd spend about £120 on each of my DSC for the coats, bag and lunch boxes but we have never minded that they have chosen more expensive-ish ones.

This year DHs ex asked us if we wanted her to grab them as she was going out. We agreed but said we were on a tighter budget this year so were only planning on spending around £80 max per DC. This is perfectly doable, I have seen a few things whilst out and about but just not the more expensive stuff of previous years.

There are also a few other things like we haven't been away this year and we haven't really had the funds to do as much fun stuff in the holidays either.

The reason for this is me and DH have recently had a DD, I am on maternity leave so on stat mat pay at the moment so things are just a bit tighter that normal but are manageable and we are fine, just can't splash much at the moment!

Anyway, DHs ex has made a few comments now that we don't seem to care as much or are treating DSC differently now because we've had DD, all relating to money things.

We have DSC with us 50:50 there has never been any maintenance paid, that's the way its been since they split up so nothing to do with DD, he has never cancelled contact, never missed paying for anything like activities, still paying half the uniform as normal, school trips, hair cuts, clothes, anything they need we have continued to pay for. But our home is just on a little bit more of a stricter budget at the moment. Imo this is just one of those things that lots of families go through from time to time and is absolutely nothing to do with treating anyone differently or not caring. The kids are still getting everything they need, they might just have to have coats and bags from somewhere a bit cheaper this year and not have a holiday with us one year, hardly terrible stuff. It sounds like such a first world problem to me and I think ex is being really quite dramatic!

Ignore her, obviously the more you spend the more you love in her eyes

I think yabu actually the fact your dh doesn't pay maintenance is key here £120per child shouldn't be that much of stretch when it comes to school supply's. It's always better to get better quality stuff that lasts longer rather than replacing further along the line at an additional expense. It's a regular once a year expense uniforms and it should have been budgeted for. 80 each towards uniform wouldnt make much of a dent especially if they go to senior school. Me and dh spend over 300 quid alone on uniform for ds.

@bananarama21 did you even read the post?

@Winemewhynot

Ignore her, obviously the more you spend the more you love in her eyes

This with bells on it.

If your DH doesn't have the money then his children get less stuff.

Incidentally make sure your DD and her elder siblings have a tight bond e.g. allow your DH, DD and his other children to spend time alone without you. That way when your DH's ex tries to divide the children by talking shit they will tell her to shut up and/or go away.

Sounds like she’s trying to manipulate your ex with emotional blackmail to spend more on her weans than on yours.

I’d put it the other way around - I’d suggest he should tell her “perhaps you don’t care about my new baby at all and all you care about is your own but I love them all and have to provide for them all and will do so equally”.

@Bananarama21

I think yabu actually the fact your dh doesn't pay maintenance is key here £120per child shouldn't be that much of stretch when it comes to school supply's. It's always better to get better quality stuff that lasts longer rather than replacing further along the line at an additional expense. It's a regular once a year expense uniforms and it should have been budgeted for. 80 each towards uniform wouldnt make much of a dent especially if they go to senior school. Me and dh spend over 300 quid alone on uniform for ds.

Well, bully for you! Give thanks that your cashflow is so abundant in these uncertain and straightened times! I'm sure that normal service will be resumed once the OP is back at work...

OP, has the ex ever worked during a pregnancy or during the marriage? Perhaps she is blissfully unaware of money issues.

He doesn't pay maintenance because they live with us 50% of the time and always have. I'm not sure how that is "key" to anything we always do and have always paid for whatever they need. The fact is, money needs to go a bit further this year. They will still get what they need, just on more of a budget.

And it's not £120 only. It's half of uniform AND the additional on bag, coats and lunch stuff.

She does work yes, she has quite a high earning job. Me and DH earn alright too in normal times but obviously we are essentially living off DHs wage only right now which is fine but means we have to be a bit more careful. He's self employed too so a bit precarious over lockdown etc.. last year but we managed.

Tough. DH has to provide for 3 kids. You shouldn't even be spending any of your money on his kids. So really if anything it should probably be even less.

Imo this is just one of those things that lots of families go through from time to time and is absolutely nothing to do with treating anyone differently or not caring exactly. If she had another kid she would have to spend less.

Maybe it wasn't the wisest thing to say when there is a new baby . There may be a little anxiety that things will change now so it was perhaps best to say this time...sure everything as usual. It sounds like ye have had a good working relationship up to now and the children's mum may be on red alert to make sure her children don't get put into second place. School return costs are not sudden. We know they are coming so maybe making provision all year long would have been best so everyone could be assured that they would be no big change. Things will then relax a bit.

OP your DH should have blamed his financial position on lockdown not the new baby, as your earnings aren't taken into consideration at all for his other children.

In future tell him to be careful how he shares financial information with his ex.

Missing the point entirely but how on earth does a coat, bag and lunchbox add up.to £120?!!! Why do they even need a new lunchbox and bag every year?

Disclaimer I only have a 1 year so am clearly a bit clueless on these things.

Obviously you are not being unreasonable but I can understand her as a mum worrying about her children in the light of their dad's new baby just because it's new and a change for everyone, perhaps.she's projecting that onto the money thing? If shes generally decent maybe just reassure her that she has nothing to worry about, but otherwise ignore. As long as shes not filling the kids heads with those ideas and you know you care about/ love them as much as ever then I wouldn't find it something I need to justify.

He could have said actuallly Pictur3Perfect is on mat leave and she used to very kindly contribute towards the items so now it's just me, the budget is £80.

£80 is more than reasonable for a child's coat and lunch box. I'd struggle to spend £120 on these items

School return costs are not sudden. We know they are coming so maybe making provision all year long would have been best so everyone could be assured that they would be no big change

I'm not sure what's meant by this, we did budget for back to school costs. The fact we don't have exactly the same amount as last year doesn't mean that we were stupid and just didn't plan enough.

I agree that £120 is a lot normally, we've always allowed this as the kids have chosen more expensive items and we could afford it at the time. Now we can't, they can still get what they need on the smaller budget, they aren't going without.

DH didn't blame the baby per se, just that with me on maternity leave his pay was stretched further and so budget was smaller this year.

My ds. I haven't bought a coat lunch box. I bought a new water bottle and ruc sac under £25 total.

They don't grow out of bags and lunch boxes. I don't get the need for new ones tbh, why not just get a 'nice' coat and forget the other stuff unless it's in bits?

It's absolutely laughable to say that you should not dip below what was an extraordinary amount of money to spend on a coat and lunchbox, lest hearts be broken 🙄 The poor dears will cope with a £60 coat (more expensive than any I've ever bought for myself).

Crack on OP, this is perfectly normal stuff, absolutely no need whatsoever for emotive language around it.

Ignore her and try not to let her get to you. Certainly don’t get into justifying the decision. You’ve given them a sibling who I’m sure they love and they still get a huge budget for school stuff. Lucky kids! Maybe she’s a wee bit jealous.

Congrats on your baby

Do they need new stuff, just because it is September?

Waiting for the “you shouldn’t have had a dc if it means the stepchildren lose out” posts…

You should be spending the same as you did pre dc even if it means you go without or you’re evil taking away from those poor children to give to your own…

It’s a none issue that his ex is making out to be one. When any family has a baby and reduces to mat pay etc, all families would have to spend less. It’s just that in this case it involves an ex who feels she has a say (she doesn’t). Other option is just to in future say to her, no it’s fine we will get them. That way you can spend what you want no issues.

If they choose smiggle etc it can be expensive, but if they go to a sport shop/Asda or whatever £80 would be plenty and if anything too much.

She is welcome to opt to spend more herself to make it up if she’s adamant, if not she can reduce the amount and shop within budget.

This is an ex issue, the kids will be fine and have what they need. He just simply needs to reply, that’s family life, and leave her to it.

So, factually your DP has decided to add to his responsibilities and he has chosen to now spend less on the children he already had.

You & he feel that's okay as he needs to spend more to support his new child / make up the difference in his household income.

His older children's mother thinks he is being a dick as previously he spent £120 and due to his choice to expand his responsibilities, he needs to spend less. Now £80 is all he can spend. So a reduction of a third.

Due to a decision neither his ex nor his children, quite rightly, had a say or choice in this change impacts both. So regardless of whether you or other posters think £80 is enough / ridiculous / obscene the facts are, he's chosen to have another child and very quickly afterwards his other/first children have to accept 'less'.

I cannot eye roll hard enough at the poster above me.

Oh no the children will need to survive off an £80 bag and coat instead of a £120 one THE HORRORS.