Accused of not caring as much now we have "our" baby

[Pictur3Perfect]

By DHs ex 🙄

We have an arrangement re back to school buying where DHs ex buys shoes and stationary (pencil cases etc..) and we buy coats, bag and lunch boxes/bottles. Rest of uniform is split 50:50.

Some years if either of us are out shopping, the other will just send us the money they were going to spend on their stuff and we'll get it whilst out and send whatever we don't spend back.

Usually we'd spend about £120 on each of my DSC for the coats, bag and lunch boxes but we have never minded that they have chosen more expensive-ish ones.

This year DHs ex asked us if we wanted her to grab them as she was going out. We agreed but said we were on a tighter budget this year so were only planning on spending around £80 max per DC. This is perfectly doable, I have seen a few things whilst out and about but just not the more expensive stuff of previous years.

There are also a few other things like we haven't been away this year and we haven't really had the funds to do as much fun stuff in the holidays either.

The reason for this is me and DH have recently had a DD, I am on maternity leave so on stat mat pay at the moment so things are just a bit tighter that normal but are manageable and we are fine, just can't splash much at the moment!

Anyway, DHs ex has made a few comments now that we don't seem to care as much or are treating DSC differently now because we've had DD, all relating to money things.

We have DSC with us 50:50 there has never been any maintenance paid, that's the way its been since they split up so nothing to do with DD, he has never cancelled contact, never missed paying for anything like activities, still paying half the uniform as normal, school trips, hair cuts, clothes, anything they need we have continued to pay for. But our home is just on a little bit more of a stricter budget at the moment. Imo this is just one of those things that lots of families go through from time to time and is absolutely nothing to do with treating anyone differently or not caring. The kids are still getting everything they need, they might just have to have coats and bags from somewhere a bit cheaper this year and not have a holiday with us one year, hardly terrible stuff. It sounds like such a first world problem to me and I think ex is being really quite dramatic!

It is OP's money that is missing from the equation here, and the ex is essentially saying it's not fair that OP's not paying for luxury stuff for her kids at the moment. Both she and OP's DH are very lucky that OP has ever been generous enough to do that. I'd be tempted to say that as OP's previous generosity has not been recognised and instead is being moaned about now it's been removed that the budget for coats etc from now on will have to come sometime from DH's wages which will have to be split between all 3 of his kids. OP should refuse to spend another penny on them.

@bogoffmda

And as per usual on this forum - a small niggle has turned into an absolute SM not in the wrong and EXW has to be!

And before anyone says it - I am an SM to 3.

I would never spend £120 on coats and lunchboxes - so would never gt into this position

I don't understand - the ex-wife has complained about the dad and step-mum's budget for coats.

In what way is the SM in the wrong at all??

The ex isn't being dragged into it willy nilly, she's the one who's raised the issue?!

The woman has literally accused them of not caring about the children as much now purely because they have not got as much money to spend while OP is on maternity?? As if OP needs to be paying towards their school stuff in the first place!?

Obviously she's in the wrong.

Ignore ignore ignore her. She is crackers. If she is sharing these comments with your DH then he needs to set her straight and not pass them onto you.

@PinkGinny

So, factually your DP has decided to add to his responsibilities and he has chosen to now spend less on the children he already had.

You & he feel that's okay as he needs to spend more to support his new child / make up the difference in his household income.

His older children's mother thinks he is being a dick as previously he spent £120 and due to his choice to expand his responsibilities, he needs to spend less. Now £80 is all he can spend. So a reduction of a third.

Due to a decision neither his ex nor his children, quite rightly, had a say or choice in this change impacts both. So regardless of whether you or other posters think £80 is enough / ridiculous / obscene the facts are, he's chosen to have another child and very quickly afterwards his other/first children have to accept 'less'.

But if DP had stayed with his first wife and they had another child then that budget would have impacted with the extra child, the ‘first children would have had to accept less anyway, so that is a moot point. The OP does have the absolute right to have a child regardless of the first family or the consequences to them.

@bogoffmda

And as per usual on this forum - a small niggle has turned into an absolute SM not in the wrong and EXW has to be!

And before anyone says it - I am an SM to 3.

I would never spend £120 on coats and lunchboxes - so would never gt into this position

So you would prefer us to all pile on the SM for the sin of daring to have a child?

And as per usual on this forum - a small niggle has turned into an absolute SM not in the wrong and EXW has to be!

What is it you think the stepmum has done wrong?

Also 12 and 14 is a good age to learn the value of money. I remeber wanting designer shoes ( skater boy vans were all the rage in the 90s) when I was a teen. I got told that my budget for shoes was £30, anything above and beyond that I could pay myself so I saved up my babysitting money and my paper round money untill I had enough.
These are good life lessons.

@Aimee1987

Also 12 and 14 is a good age to learn the value of money. I remeber wanting designer shoes ( skater boy vans were all the rage in the 90s) when I was a teen. I got told that my budget for shoes was £30, anything above and beyond that I could pay myself so I saved up my babysitting money and my paper round money untill I had enough. These are good life lessons.

I had the same! Had my heart set on a pair of etnies. Cost a small fortune! It's a great way to do it, pay for a decent pair or they can add to it to get a fancier pair if they want. I mean they haven't been able to use their pocket money as much this year due to covid so they might want to do that?

Ignore her, who cares what she thinks.