First time posting. Just would like feedback on this situation and advice to move forward.
Backstory
My DH and his Exwife divorced many years ago due to her having an affair and kicking my DH out soon after they had their youngest child.
They did not have the greatest co parent relationship, which got more difficult when the affair relationship failed and then went further down the tube when I became a permanent fixture in my DH life (please note – I met him once they were already divorced) My DH always paid maintenance and anything else the children needed. We were lucky that all our children got on from the start and always asked to be together. So, we had them most weekends and during the week, this suited DH ex as she wanted to be out at the weekends.
There co parent relationship will eb and flow, its normally better when she has a partner. Over the two years my DH ex has not had the greatest time, her business failed, covid then hit and she met someone and had another LO. She is no longer with LO dad, but she has struggled with a lot and has not had much money as she can not find a job due to childcare issues. I do feel bad for her, as much as she has done us wrong – if the mother is hurting then, then so are the kids.
My husband and I have managed to be ok during the pandemic, so we talked it over and he gives her extra money on top of her maintenance (when we can afford the extra). We also brought the kids clothes to keep at their mother home, as they are growing so fast and its not cheap to keep replacing. Anything else the kids have needed we have covered between the two of us. Also, the other week my DH eldest told him that their mother has gone to the food bank, as they had nothing in. So, we went to Costco and got her shopping to fill her cupboards, fridge and freezer. We also brought nappies for her baby.
He took it round to her and she did text me a “thank you”, which made me feel that we were finally moving to a better place. She asked my DH if he could cover all the school cost this year, which he said that was not a problem and she sent the list over. Lucky the kids were with us most of the six week’s so we went out and got all the school stuff in one day (yes, it almost killed me!). We got everything on the list - shoes, uniform plus PE kits and school stationary. We handed everything over to her, so she could run though everything and check that we had not missed anything. Again, I got a text to say thank you. So, I thought everything was settled.
Today
My DH asked his ex to send him the first day back photo – he had an early meeting that could not be rearranged, so could not do the first day back to school. She sent a photo and the youngest is wearing old joggers, old black trainers, and old school t-shirts. The other two are in High School and their uniform is set in stone. My husband asked her where the new uniform was and her reply as follows;
- The uniform was s**t
- She did not like the brand
- The shoes are horrible and don’t go with joggers
He said DSC look untidy and the top was far too small to wear. She went on to scream down the phone that DSC will wear what she tells them too and that the new tops will be used when the old tops fall apart. She then went on to accuse him of not caring or being involved with the kids.
She then ranted that he was useless and that he could not get even a uniform list right before hanging up. My DH is fuming as he believes that she had her friends around her and that is the reason for the outburst.
I told him that the kids know that we do everything in our power to make sure they are ok, and they know that we have been trying to help their mum and that is all that matters.
But the bitter side of me is raging, I don’t expect her to be grovelling at our feet because we helped her. But a little acknowledgement that we are trying to help her even after all the bad blood between us. But for her to scream in down the phone at my DH like that because he asked about the uniform, she asked us to get – I mean come on was it necessary? And if she did not like the uniform, then why not text me to ask for it be changed? I could have done that -we had enough time.
Maybe I was naive thinking that this was the start of a good co parent relationship.
What would you do now? My husband wants to stop helping her out, part of me agrees but the other part is thinking, “let’s keep building bridges – she cant burn them all down”.
Any advice would be gratefully received.
And for context, I am not sure if the ex LO is helping out at all.