First day drama

[Countlesswaystolove]

First time posting. Just would like feedback on this situation and advice to move forward.

Backstory
My DH and his Exwife divorced many years ago due to her having an affair and kicking my DH out soon after they had their youngest child.

They did not have the greatest co parent relationship, which got more difficult when the affair relationship failed and then went further down the tube when I became a permanent fixture in my DH life (please note – I met him once they were already divorced) My DH always paid maintenance and anything else the children needed. We were lucky that all our children got on from the start and always asked to be together. So, we had them most weekends and during the week, this suited DH ex as she wanted to be out at the weekends.
There co parent relationship will eb and flow, its normally better when she has a partner. Over the two years my DH ex has not had the greatest time, her business failed, covid then hit and she met someone and had another LO. She is no longer with LO dad, but she has struggled with a lot and has not had much money as she can not find a job due to childcare issues. I do feel bad for her, as much as she has done us wrong – if the mother is hurting then, then so are the kids.
My husband and I have managed to be ok during the pandemic, so we talked it over and he gives her extra money on top of her maintenance (when we can afford the extra). We also brought the kids clothes to keep at their mother home, as they are growing so fast and its not cheap to keep replacing. Anything else the kids have needed we have covered between the two of us. Also, the other week my DH eldest told him that their mother has gone to the food bank, as they had nothing in. So, we went to Costco and got her shopping to fill her cupboards, fridge and freezer. We also brought nappies for her baby.
He took it round to her and she did text me a “thank you”, which made me feel that we were finally moving to a better place. She asked my DH if he could cover all the school cost this year, which he said that was not a problem and she sent the list over. Lucky the kids were with us most of the six week’s so we went out and got all the school stuff in one day (yes, it almost killed me!). We got everything on the list - shoes, uniform plus PE kits and school stationary. We handed everything over to her, so she could run though everything and check that we had not missed anything. Again, I got a text to say thank you. So, I thought everything was settled.
Today
My DH asked his ex to send him the first day back photo – he had an early meeting that could not be rearranged, so could not do the first day back to school. She sent a photo and the youngest is wearing old joggers, old black trainers, and old school t-shirts. The other two are in High School and their uniform is set in stone. My husband asked her where the new uniform was and her reply as follows;

1. The uniform was s**t
2. She did not like the brand
3. The shoes are horrible and don’t go with joggers He said DSC look untidy and the top was far too small to wear. She went on to scream down the phone that DSC will wear what she tells them too and that the new tops will be used when the old tops fall apart. She then went on to accuse him of not caring or being involved with the kids. She then ranted that he was useless and that he could not get even a uniform list right before hanging up. My DH is fuming as he believes that she had her friends around her and that is the reason for the outburst. I told him that the kids know that we do everything in our power to make sure they are ok, and they know that we have been trying to help their mum and that is all that matters. But the bitter side of me is raging, I don’t expect her to be grovelling at our feet because we helped her. But a little acknowledgement that we are trying to help her even after all the bad blood between us. But for her to scream in down the phone at my DH like that because he asked about the uniform, she asked us to get – I mean come on was it necessary? And if she did not like the uniform, then why not text me to ask for it be changed? I could have done that -we had enough time. Maybe I was naive thinking that this was the start of a good co parent relationship. What would you do now? My husband wants to stop helping her out, part of me agrees but the other part is thinking, “let’s keep building bridges – she cant burn them all down”. Any advice would be gratefully received. And for context, I am not sure if the ex LO is helping out at all.

She is extremely ungrateful and rude and I admire you for wanting to continue to help her, because I probably wouldn't. Where I live there are uniform banks for those struggling to purchase new uniform... they have really helped take the pressure of some of the families strapped for cash (I'm a teacher) so she should be ashamed of herself fo be so ungrateful. Chin up OP...unfortunately you can't reason with unreasonable people xx maybe I'm cynical but I doubt continued favours and support will make her about turn her poor attitude... in our situation we have unfortunately found the more helpful and reasonable we are, the more my DH ex takes the p*.

She doesn't sound well mentally. If she's got a new baby, split with her partner and has had to resort to food banks then she could be really struggling. PND?
I think some of the responses on here are lacking in empathy and just want to get one over on the first wife. I don't get that impression from you at all. I'm not saying put up with any abuse but don't pour petrol on a fire.

She wanted you to take her baby on your contact weekends?! The woman is batshit. You were very kind to try to help but their dad's approach is spot on. The poor children, they only get one mum and it's her. At least they know they always have a safe place at yours.

She sounds like she might have mental health issues or be under a lot of stress.
What do the kids think? Would they agree to being with you and only doing EOW with their mum?

sounds a bit like she could have PND

Or she could just be a massive cunt, they do exist you know!

She sounds overwhelmed by life to me. You’re doing your best by the children, and by her, by the sound of it, but you can’t put her life right for her. She has at least 2 close relationships which have broken down, is on her own, 4 children, money problems and an ex who is happy with his partner. As far as she’s concerned, her life is shit, even though it may be because of decisions she has made.

All you can do is continue to support the children and her, if you think she is desperate, and try and rise above her rants. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in really difficult circumstances.

Hi, so a lot has happened, but I think we are though the worse of the storm at the moment.
So, to respond to a few questions.

1. Maintenance. Some people said that as the kids are here more maybe we should ask for maintenance. I don’t think that we would even get it, she has not got a pot to pee in. Plus, on paper, the kids live with her full time. My DH is happy with the current financial plan in place – it took a long time to get it in black and white and he is not willing to change it.
2. PND. I personally think that she may have that. I know that with the first DSC she suffered with it. That factored into why I wanted to help in the first place. I suffered PND with my second and I remember how rough it was.
3. Uniform. Turns out she did give them away, she did not like the trousers and prefers him to wear joggers. The list did say they had to be trousers. They were £17 for two. She won’t get them back and nor will she give the money back. But I never expected that so just written the cost off. The shoes will not go with joggers but again she will not give them back. Youngest DSC is now wearing the tops/jumpers that we brought as they fit him better. So on with the update. Eldest DSC had a massive falling out with her mother. She overhead a conversation between her DM and DGM (my DH mother, DH and his siblings have not spoken to their mother since she walked out on his dad after having an affair – her choice). They were talking badly about my DH. DSC lost it and jumped feet first in and let rip. I am guessing her DM fibs and what they were saying in general really hit her last nerve. Apparently, there was screaming and shouting. My DSC then went up stairs and grabbed all her stuff and ran out of the house. She did try and call her dad, but he did not pick up. So, she called me, luckily, I was working from home and the day was almost over. It took a bit to understand what had happened and were she was so I could go get her. When I found her, she was sitting on the floor with just the most miserable tear-stained face. My heart broke – she did not want to talk about it, so I just said fine but let me get you a Macdees Ice cream – my first real smile from her! She came home with me, and she has stayed here ever since. It’s been stressful getting her to school – its easier on the days that I WFH.
   DH and his ex had another blazing row over what has happened. He can’t understand why his mum is in contact with his ex -they could not stand each other. DSC is angry at her GM for what she was saying, and I quote, “she has not spoken to us in years – how does she even know what is going on?” My Dh mum did try and call him afterwards, but he did not answer, and he has told his siblings and dad what happened. They have just rolled their eyes and said just don’t respond. We have had hardly any contact with her since that day, but DSC is in contact with her DH. She has been asked to come home, but DSC does not want to go. She is studying for her GCSEs and likes the quite here and the fact that she can relax and not look after a baby all the time. The other two DSC still come round every weekend and they seem to be ok. We are just playing by ear now.