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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step-children forcing us to live apart... will we survive?

46 replies

Ambernectarine22 · 25/08/2021 23:34

My dp and I have lived happily (in my house) for the last 3.5y with our 4 children (late teens/early 20s) coming and going. His son moved in with us recently for what was going to be a year but I couldn’t cope with son’s mess/stuff/thoughtlessness and so dp and I agreed he would move out with his children. We are both keen to keep our relationship going, but only when the children aren’t around. Will we manage it? I’d love to hear from you if you’ve been in this position.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 25/08/2021 23:44

@Ambernectarine22

My dp and I have lived happily (in my house) for the last 3.5y with our 4 children (late teens/early 20s) coming and going. His son moved in with us recently for what was going to be a year but I couldn’t cope with son’s mess/stuff/thoughtlessness and so dp and I agreed he would move out with his children. We are both keen to keep our relationship going, but only when the children aren’t around. Will we manage it? I’d love to hear from you if you’ve been in this position.
Sorry can you be clearer. It does not read well.
BluebellsGreenbells · 25/08/2021 23:46

I think it’s perfectly clear.

Depends if you both want to keep the relationship going and out in the effort.

Brakebackcyclebot · 25/08/2021 23:51

I have a friend who has 2 teens. Her DH has a DC who is about 10. She has just moved out with her DCs for their exam years into a separate house. They are all happy. She and her DH meet up, have dates, spend some evenings together and the DCs are getting what they need.

So yes, it can work.

Callcat · 25/08/2021 23:53

DP and I live apart by choice because of DC complications. Works wonderfully! Better than living together! In fact, I'd recommend it long term.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2021 23:54

Why did your partner allow his son to be so disrespectful? To the point he actually needed to move out, shockingly.

Woodmarsh · 26/08/2021 06:52

Does the messy son have to live with you? Indeed do all of them have to live with you? How old is he? What are the other options?

Is his father parenting him so he is less messy one of them

SpongebobNoPants · 26/08/2021 06:59

I can totally understand keeping things separate for young kids but why on earth is your DP allowing a late teen (possibly adult?) drive a wedge between you two with his behaviour?
How old is his son?

I think it can work living separately, if you’re both completely happy and accepting of the situation… but I’m guessing if you’ve lived together for 3+ years and are now being forced apart due to a much older child then it would be difficult to be happy with that.

Can you provide a bit more context?
How old is his son?
What were the circumstances that lead to him living with you full time?
What were the specific issues with him living there that made you so unhappy?
Was his behaviour that bothered you? And what did your DP do to try and resolve these issues and create balance for you all in your home?

Sorry this isn’t a police interrogation Grin It’s just that the answers to these questions really will determine whether you’ll be happy moving forward in this relationship at all

HollyGrail · 26/08/2021 07:01

Well, at what age might the 'children' become independent adults. Because once they do that you will be free to live together and then have maybe 40 years together??

Tigertealeaves · 26/08/2021 08:47

It seems quite an extreme change from all the kids coming and going, to now only wanting to meet without them there at all?

Not saying this isn't reasonable or wouldn't work, but presumably it won't give you a lot of time together for a while. Do you know how often you want to see him?

I think it could work. I find when you live together, with kids, even though you see each other often it is not quality time and you can long for your own space. You would get the chance to get excited to see each other again.

Branleuse · 26/08/2021 13:19

could you move really close to each other? Do you rent or own? Could you potentially live in same street or nearby?
I dont see why this couldnt work if you both want it to enough and its with a view to being able to live together in the future

EL8888 · 26/08/2021 13:23

Why is the son and his messiness allowed to rule the roost? Surely the son needs to follow house rules like everyone else?!

In answer to your original question, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/08/2021 13:35

I know a few people who keep their relationships separate from the children and it works very well. The children come first and aren’t disrupted with changes in their lives they have no control over.

Coffeepot72 · 26/08/2021 14:34

So your DP decided it was preferable to live apart, rather than give his son a kick up the backside about his poor behaviour?

AlternativePerspective · 26/08/2021 14:41

IMO there’s a big difference between choosing to stay living apart because of the children,and one of you moving out because the other one doesn’t tolerate the children.

It’s impossible to know who is potentially in the wrong here because we don’t have the details. People are suggesting that the DP moved out rather than manage his son’s behaviour. But could it be that he moved out because you were so intolerant? For instance.

If I felt my partner was so intolerant to my children that I had to move out, then no, I don’t think the relationship could last.

Magda72 · 26/08/2021 18:08

I second @SpongebobNoPants on this. There's NO way I would move away from my dp to facilitate a hone for my adult? child!!!
If said child needed to come live with us for a bit he/she would be expected to follow house rules.
Your dp is quite frankly being ridiculous.

Original poster
Ambernectarine22 · 26/08/2021 18:29

Thanks for all your comments. I guess only time will tell.

DP had to fight hard for access to his kids when he divorced and feels he has missed out on a lot of normal/home time time with them (he’s had them every other weekend and a few odd weeks for hols). We have all rubbed along well enough for the last 3.5y but his eldest has come home for a year while he does a work placement (nearby) as part of his degree.

Said son is messy, has been a bit thoughtless, and is a big personality with a lot of clutter. He’s like a big dog who wags its tail and knocks a cup of tea off the table while doing so… We live in my house and it felt like it was getting slowly and gently trashed, and also taken over by dss’ stuff.

All our kids will be at uni (fingers crossed) by next Sept so hopefully we can limp through the next year then re-evaluate. DP has tenants in his house who are refusing to leave (another story!) so he has rented somewhere 10 miles away until he can get them out and get back in his house.

I’m sad, because DP and I have spent a lot of time making a lovely garden, keeping chickens, building a life together in this house. But living with a 21yo room-mate is not for me!

I should add that my own 2 children are not perfect, but have been carefully shaped by me over their 17 and 21 years and understand my expectations.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 26/08/2021 20:02

@AlternativePerspective I have a 24 year old & a 19 year old & there is no way I would let their messiness get to a point where it would have me move away from my partner. My children are everything to me but no one does any adult child any favours by letting them dictate a relationship whether by accident or design. And they are adults! They may still be financially dependent due to studies but they ARE adults.
@Ambernectarine22 - sorry but I still think your dp is being ridiculous - he's stuck in his own past trying to make up childhood time with an adult child.
It's only my opinion obviously but I feel that a massive part of parenting is a constant reevaluation & redefining of your relationships with your dc as they get older - not staying trapped in their childhoods or your/their past(s).

User82517 · 26/08/2021 20:22

Watching this with interest as I'm in a similar situation, younger children but I have also moved out with our children due to issues with the stepkids. We are ok so far, I guess time will tell but there comes a point where you have to assess your priorities I suppose. And maybe not be afraid to make a change when something isn't working for you.

StCharlotte · 26/08/2021 20:33

If he's prepared to pay rent why doesn't a place for his son?

StCharlotte · 26/08/2021 20:34

Sorry I'll try that again Grin

If he's prepared to pay rent why doesn't he rent a place for his son?

mayblossominapril · 26/08/2021 20:38

@StCharlotte

If he's prepared to pay rent why doesn't a place for his son?
My thoughts exactly. Why doesn’t be he rent a place for his son.
Magda72 · 26/08/2021 21:06

@User82517 - think it's very different when it's younger children involved.

Original poster
Ambernectarine22 · 26/08/2021 21:25

@User82517 Let’s form a club! And congrats for having the balls to move out. It’s painful tho, isn’t it? They’re leaving tomorrow. The house is full of boxes and I have a big lump in my throat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambernectarine22 · 26/08/2021 21:30

And to those who ask why doesn’t he rent a place for his son… I think he wants to have this opportunity to spend time with his son. I get that. It’s a gift for him. But I’ll be interested to see how they get on living together. I think the reality will be quite different than how he imagines it.

OP posts:
TweedePrik · 26/08/2021 21:35

Surely at 21 he won't want to be spending loads of time with his dad?