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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step-children forcing us to live apart... will we survive?

46 replies

Ambernectarine22 · 25/08/2021 23:34

My dp and I have lived happily (in my house) for the last 3.5y with our 4 children (late teens/early 20s) coming and going. His son moved in with us recently for what was going to be a year but I couldn’t cope with son’s mess/stuff/thoughtlessness and so dp and I agreed he would move out with his children. We are both keen to keep our relationship going, but only when the children aren’t around. Will we manage it? I’d love to hear from you if you’ve been in this position.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/08/2021 21:46

My 60+ year old friend lives with her 80 year old DP....his adult DC still make her life hell .....

Finknottlesnewt · 26/08/2021 21:47

Can I just say that as someone who is married to their DP .. after 12 years I am sick to the heart of being the piggy in the middle of DH /my DC/ his DC .. we separated into different homes ... out marriage could not be happier !!!

Original poster

Ambernectarine22 · 27/08/2021 07:16

@Finknottlesnewt Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m really pleased to hear that!

OP posts:

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 07:25

I'm starting to think that since step parenting can be such a difficult one to navigate that separate houses actually worlds better for all parties involved.

I have no lived experience but my friend and her DH have done it successfully for 10years. It works for them although people often make unhelpful comments. Like but aren't you in love 🙄 she says yes and that's why they do it.

Do what you need to do to survive. I think Helen bowcater has a separate house from her husband and they lived next to each other and seemed happy with that set up, and that wasn't because of a blended family.

Live and let live and good luck xxx

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 27/08/2021 07:39

I think this would be very different if this was a clash of children not getting along in a blended family situation but this is a grown adult who has clearly lived away from home and is only back for this placement. If he hasn't already, he needs to learn that impacting on shared space is never going to go down well in house shares or getting a partner to move in.

I actually think your partner is wrong to have moved out. I am all for prioritising children over partners but this is a 21 year old. This doesn't teach the 21 year old that his selfish behaviour is wrong and that it has caused his Dad to feel like he has to move house to accommodate him.

SpongebobNoPants · 27/08/2021 08:54

He’s 21? So he’s essentially pocked having a “lads house” over living with his partner.
I bet he’s imagining they’ll be drinking beer and being “bros”. It’s screams mid life crisis to me.

I’ve got an uncle like this. He’s sacrificed every potentially healthy relationship he could have had to play “lads” with his sons who are now 18, 22 & 30. It’s a bit pathetic really, he thinks he’s really cool but in reality he’s a 50+ years old man acting like he’s living in uni halls.

I hope you’re ok OP, but I honestly couldn’t stay with a man who would rather move out to live with his fully adult child than help either enforce house rules or help the “child” become an independent adult.

No wonder you have a lump in your throat It must feel like a huge step back in your relationship… you’ve been happily building a home and life together and he’s pulled the rug out from under you. I’m all for prioritising children but he’s shown you where you sit in his pecking order of priorities and at this stage you should be at the top. Instead his Disney dadding his adult offspring and choosing “relive” something he’s felt his lost but in the process has shown he’s willing to lose you in order to facilitate his parenting fantasy.

Good luck, I hope you don’t find it too hard when they start moving the boxes

FinallyHere · 27/08/2021 10:22

Now DH and I have been an item for over thirty years. The first decade we lived apart because our places of work were so far apart.

If you accept that it is necessary, I'd suggest you can easily remain as a couple throughout. In fact, it can be great. No negotiation required over shared space. Every time you meet you are on a date.

Bliss

For the record, DSS lived with us for six months. You could not have asked for a better flat mate, tidy, quiet, made and tidied away a meal once a week. I still really struggled having an unrelated male in my space. I work to pay my mortgage exactly so I don't have to share my living space.

Together alone is perfect got me. I recommend it.

Travielkapelka · 27/08/2021 10:36

Why on earth is a 21 year old dictating your livong arrangements, that’s insane.

MojoJojo71 · 27/08/2021 10:53

It depends whether you can forget the fact that he prefers to live with his son than you.
I’m not sure if my relationship could survive that. His son is an adult who came to stay for his uni placement, it didn’t work out so he should have moved out, there was absolutely no reason for your DP to go with him.

Carolinesyear · 27/08/2021 11:10

Let him live with his son, meanwhile when he comes to yours it will be serene and tidy with nice food on offer and a cosy clean bed, he will sharp get sick of living with another adult man who he probably (due to age differences) actually has very little in common with. I give this arrangement 5
4 months before he comes up with an alternative arrangement

Magda72 · 27/08/2021 12:13

Tiredoftattler · 27/08/2021 14:46

OP ,what's best is what works for you. Will you love him less because he lives in a different house? Is it proximity that makes you love him? Would you love him if he were in the military or had a job that required frequent travel?

There are so many different ways to structure and sustain relationships. There is nothing wrong with being flexible enough to try different arrangements to see what might be best in your particular situation.

Original poster

Ambernectarine22 · 27/08/2021 18:09

@Carolinesyear Yes, yes, yes! This is 100% what I’m thinking. As someone said to me “Once they move out of your home you will no longer be the enemy”

OP posts:

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 18:35

I’ve never moved in with mine as I know full well the kind of issues we would have had. Which would have ended our relationship without a doubt. As it is, 10 years down the line and still live 20 mins apart. He stays at mine when his DC see their mum. It works well. We get the odd week or weekend away just us two, and the rest of the time it’s a good mix of lone time (introvert here so that is much needed!) and time with him and my DCs all together which works for me. I know he misses his DC when he’s here, but I honestly don’t think we’d have survived 10 years with a blended family arrangement. We have discussed it a few times and it always breaks down at the point the DCs start preempting potential unfairness!!

Starseeking · 27/08/2021 23:42

Having split with my DP in the last few months, the only way I can see myself having a future relationship is if I can find a man who is happy to "live apart together".

I read about it on MN in the last couple of weeks, and it sounds like a wonderful idea! I have absolutely no desire to live with a man or have DSC again, nor to bring them into my own DC's safe haven. I can finance my own home, and support my DC myself, and I'd expect any man in similar circumstances to be doing the same as well.

Perhaps reframe the idea in your mind OP, and think about all the positives you will get from from this arrangement; it sounds like there will be many you.

Carolinesyear · 28/08/2021 09:54

@Ambernectarine22 yes! I'd be tempted to play a little game. Make out that this move is maybe the break you need and only see him on your terms. And when you do see him make sure you look happy in peaceful surroundings, everything is going well without him. Don't call for his help in doing things... hell get some other man in to go something, get a handy man to fit some shelves... anything. And his life will slowly fall apart living with an ungrateful man/baby!
Make sure when he's in your house he's treated well and if he says things like 'oh I better go home now' let him go with no fuss! That's the way to play it, he'll crawl back

HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 10:33

I can't understand why you and the Dp haven't spoken to the SS about his mess and behaviour before deciding to up and move out

SandyY2K · 29/08/2021 09:23

I imagine DP will still spend lots of time with you and be staying over too. Some couples are better together living apart. I know this was as a result of his messy son, but it's not forever and you have the peace of a clean home.

Original poster

Ambernectarine22 · 29/08/2021 09:23

@Carolinesyear Yes, I hope this is the way it will play out. I have been clearing/cleaning/reorganising my house since he left and I'm enjoying the calm and clean. I've seen more of my kids than I normally would have done too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ambernectarine22 · 29/08/2021 09:28

@HalzTangz and other posters who don't understand why we couldn't get DSS to toe the line... It's partly that he doesn't always realise what he's doing (see my comment along the lines of him being an over excited puppy/bull in a china shop) and that he, other DSS and DP have sooooooo much stuff. I felt like my house was being buried under a tsunami of boy stuff - loads of tools, music stuff (both dss play several instruments/play in bands), sports stuff - even before DSS moved in with us for a year. Funnily enough, DP is already moaning about how much stuff they have!

OP posts:

Magda72 · 29/08/2021 09:34

LAT IS a great idea particularly with young/teen dc. But this guy is 21!!!!

I'm sorry, but having to LA from your partner because of a 21 year old (other than MH or physical health issues) is crazy.
I have a friend who's dh is high risk from covid. Her two adult children (20 & 22) live at home and are refusing to get vaccinated. Her dh (who is also the father) has told her that if they refuse his offer to drive them to be vaccinated this weekend then he is asking them to move out & live elsewhere & my friend is in full agreement.
That's what you do with ADULT children. You tell them it's fine if they want to live a certain way but you no longer have to facilitate it under your roof because they are ADULTS.
If this guy wants to live in mess that's his prerogative but his father should not be facilitating it.
I would have no respect for a partner who put a non SN adult child before our relationship.

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