Step Daughter Worries

[spencjcb]

Hi all,

I've been worrying for a while about my partners daughter and her weight. She has just turned 8 years old and is currently 10 stone 6 lb. When clothes shopping, these have to be bought from the ladies section in a size 14-16 as childrens do not fit (making the school uniform buying a big pain in the a**).

I have poached the situation with my OH and he agrees that change needs to happen. However, mum is very unapproachable and would twist this on us and accuse us of making accusations of bad parenting. All hell would break loose if I was seen to be 'interfering' although I really just have her best interests at heart and I am so worried when nobody else seems to see the problem.

She only has two meals a week with us and the rest of the week (when we ask what she has eaten) this is all pasta, quick meals, chinese and mcdonalds etc. Also with having scones, fried chocolate wraps, croissants etc for breakfast.
With our meals, I try to follow healthy cereals or fruit for breakfast. If sandwiches for lunch I make sure they contain plenty of salad and then for tea I make sure these meals contain plenty of veggies.
I aim to walk the dog every day and make sure that she comes along to get some exercise as the simple school run is often a struggle with her becoming tired, out of breath and sweating quickly.
We have recently purchased yet another bike but as she is unable to ride one even with stabilisers, this is not very likely to be a contributing factor to losing weight as she ends up walking with said bike! (also the same with scooter).

I need some help and advice please as I am really struggling. I know we only have two nights (three days) but I feel like I'm at a loose end as the other 4 days of the week this is not being followed.
I have considered having a discussion with school, however I am told I can do the drop off but can not discuss things with teachers as this is down to mum and dad (which I understand) and have also considered paying privately for advice from a dietician. Where do I stand on this matter?

Thank you

Sorry to give the obvious advice, but why are you the one dealing with this? It sounds like you are her parent, not your DH. You don't need to be worrying about this and you shouldn't be the one doing everything for her, as it sounds like you are. Where is her dad in all this?

It's not ideal but lots of people out there are overweight. It's not your job to pull your hair out trying to prevent someone else's child from being one of them.

@aSofaNearYou are you aware that some step-parents might actually want to be involved in the upbringing of their step kids?

@aSofaNearYou
I do more for her when she's with us as dad works the days she is with us but I have the Wednesday off.
Sometimes I get comments "it's only once" etc when I say no to bad food. I don't like to feel like I'm doing everything trust me, or that I'm taking over the parenting of their child but I'm a nurse and know the basics.
I know I should leave it to them but I care about her so much and want the best for her.

I just don't know what to try next as I feel like all of my other options have failed as they're not being kept up for the rest of the week

[quote kirinm]@aSofaNearYou are you aware that some step-parents might actually want to be involved in the upbringing of their step kids?[/quote]
Yes, obviously, but OP sounds like she is the one driving this and she also sounds stressed about it.

[quote kirinm]@aSofaNearYou are you aware that some step-parents might actually want to be involved in the upbringing of their step kids?[/quote]
Thank you! I do struggle though as I've been made fully aware I'm not allowed to be "step mum" although I'm sure once we marry in 2 years I'll be allowed to call myself this😂

It's so hard when you are made to feel like you can't be involved as much or care as much because you're not the biological parent of the child

[quote spencjcb]@aSofaNearYou
I do more for her when she's with us as dad works the days she is with us but I have the Wednesday off.
Sometimes I get comments "it's only once" etc when I say no to bad food. I don't like to feel like I'm doing everything trust me, or that I'm taking over the parenting of their child but I'm a nurse and know the basics.
I know I should leave it to them but I care about her so much and want the best for her.

I just don't know what to try next as I feel like all of my other options have failed as they're not being kept up for the rest of the week [/quote]
Yes, I totally get that feeling. I've been a step parent for years and we've yet to find the magic formula in getting any of the things we try and instill in DSS to stick when he goes back to his main household. It all just invariably slips away.

I'm afraid all I can advise from my experience is to accept the situation for what it is, try and do healthy things and eat healthily when she is with you, but accept that you can't really do much about what happens the rest of the time.

That’s very overweight. The NHS has a bmi calculator for children that you can plug her data into and gives suggestions as to what to do. Maybe you can do that to try and shock your DP into action.
Allowing a child to become so overweight at such a young age strikes me as neglectful - her parents are both failing in their role.
Either your partner steps up and takes steps to address the situation or you need to decide if he is the kind of dad you want for your children. Either way, lovely as it is that you are there for her, it’s not possible for you as a step parent to resolve the situation alone. At least one parent needs to step up.

Unfortunately you need to try and stop caring so much I think. I know it's hard but all you can do is try and make sure she eats healthily when she's with you. Dad can approach the school if he is worried but I'm not sure what they can do.

All you can do is keep on at your DP about it and hope he steps up and speaks to mum.

I don't think there is much you can do other than try and encourage her to eat well when she is with you and encourage her to see the benefit of exercise etc.

What you can do is limited. Just as professionals struggle to implement changes with parents who are refusing to implement changes.

Your SD is luckier than some though because at least she gets a good role model when she is with you. She is exposed to another way of eating and looking after yourself.

My friend, who has always been thin herself, let her DD get really overweight. I just couldn't understand why as she was very much into fitness and healthy living, but there was something ingrain in her that she constantly had to ensure her DD wasn't hungry and so constantly offered her food, and when she said no, she then offered something unhealthy, which of course, she finally took.

This went on until she was 13 and very obese. Thankfully, it didn't affect her self-esteem and she had many friends. I didn't see them during lockdown, so was totally taken aback when I saw them again last month. She was another child and had lost so much weight. When I asked if all was ok, she said that she suddenly decided she had enough of being obese and decided to change her ways. My friend was at that point totally supportive, and she got rid of all bad food. They are very close and they did it together.

Your SD might have this 'awakening' of her own and if she does, she will know she can count on you to help her. this is a blessing.

Your hands are tied here, and it's coming from a place of concern I get that but your limited in what you can do tbh.

In your current position there's very little you can do bar what other posters have suggested and be a role model for healthy eating and if SD asked I would advise on healthy snacks (not that she was interested too much - she wanted to know if Doritos where healthy as they are made from corn and could she have those instead of what her mum suggested)

At some point you have to let the parents parent. Both mum and DH were worried about my SDs weight but they took the lead on that and mum asked us if we could only provide certain snacks/food groups which we did. I did find when she hit puberty she grew at a fanatic rate and levelled out a bit.

It's lovely that you care but you have to be aware of what you can and can't influence and control. This is one of those situations that's not the latter.

You could get her a fit bit for Christmas?

I think that all you can do is model healthy habits and give her healthy food when you are together. The first rule of parenting is not to care more about things than the parents do.

DSD might well express unhappiness with her weight when she's older and perhaps you can talk to her about it then but until then keep doing what you're doing.

10 stones at 8 years old. That's a lot. Is her mum overweight too?

@SandyY2K

10 stones at 8 years old. That's a lot. Is her mum overweight too?

It’s a very a lot! This is twice the average weight of an 8 year old in the U.K. It’s a very worrying health risk eg diabetes.

It’s a very a lot! This is twice the average weight of an 8 year old in the U.K. It’s a very worrying health risk eg diabetes.

I know. It's frightening. I can't understand how a parent wouldn't be worried when a child is this big. Her health is at risk. She'll end up like the people on my 600 pound life.

Overweight children are overweight because of poor eating habits and that's on the parents. This is obese, not just overweight.

Ohhh that is now rather large actually, even a few inches in height probably won't iron this out.

It's incredibly sad but truly I'm not sure what the op can do. Especially if mum isn't worried and is she's primary carer (I'm making assumptions on that last one so willing to be corrected).

Gah 😖 anything you may say will look like evil stepmother 101. Can you imagine "my step mum said I needed to go on a diet for my health but my mum said I was just fine" going down on this board or anywhere actually 🥴

If she asks of course help her but I'm not sure actually how you can improve this in any real way.

Your DP should be a lot more concerned. Show him the kids BMI result for her height and weight, that might wake him up. School will be aware, if she struggles on a short walk she’ll be opting out of PE.

I’m afraid that his daughter’s health is worth an uncomfortable chat or two with her mum. Could he take her to the GP for a health check, maybe they’ll raise concerns? He’s an equal parent, it’s good you’re trying to do what you can but he’s the only one who can talk to her mum and if he’s not more aware of how serious this is he bloody well should be. Between them they’re saddling her with lifelong health problems if this isn’t turned around.

She’s massive, her little skeleton must be overwhelmed and no wonder she gets easily tired. She’s lugging another 8 year old around on her poor thing.

Is the mum overweight?

We had a similar issue with one of my step children. Mum is very very big and having a fat child seemed to make her feel better, she could make out they were a big family and the slim one was the anomaly.

We model healthy diets and exercise here, we’re both healthy weights, we get them out walking and running around, we teach them how to cook, take them to the market to buy interesting fruit and veg etc. When one parent is either disengaged or actively encouraging bad habits it’s very difficult but over time my step child has lost a lot of weight healthily, spurred on partly by vanity if I’m honest but also an interest in health and fitness, and things are a lot better.

Are her parents overweight, I'd be surprised school hasn't said anything to them. My just turned 13 year old ds is 5'7 and just under 7.5 stone for perspective.

My 8 year old is very tall for her age and is in 11-12 clothes and a primark 2 extra small is a little too big for her so my heart breaks for this little girl. OP, there's not too much you can do without being accused of interfering so I would advise just carrying on what you're doing with healthy food and walks etc. Her Ddad , your DP, needs to be the one getting fully on board and having a talk with the mum. He has parental authority to get some professional help. You sound like a nice caring person OP.

I think both her parents have neglected her letting her become so overweight. Honestly it's awful, she shouldn't be out of breath, she should be running around!

I actually think (and I've never said this ever) that you should do an anonymous complaint to ss. I doubt anything will happen in terms of child protection but I bet she'd get some sort of early help which would be a set 6 week plan and the dm would get a shock. I genuinely think I'd do this if I was you, and not to be a bitch but this poor girl needs help.

Over TEN stone at 8yo?! Bloody hell. That's child abuse and if her father really can't get her mother to engage and support her daughter by healthy eating he should consider contacting social services for advice. The mother may need assistance as clearly something is v wrong here.

What is her dad, your OH, actually doing to both help her lose weight and be more active?

Is he cooking some of her meals? Is he getting her to help him cook the meals and also sitting in the kitchen talking to him while he is cooking? Taking her out to parks and playgrounds to run around every time he has her while it is light in the evenings? Is he taking her to a physical hobby e.g. swimming (which is a life saving skill) every time he has her for the weekend? Is he getting her to attempt to ride her bike for 30 minutes on the days he has her?

Until he starts doing these things you are completely wasting your time as he isn't on board in doing anything practical to help his obese child.

You need to make your DP realise his child is obese not overweight. Until that clicks he won't go to the GP, he won't approach her mum and won't do anything to practically to help his child.

(Yes I'm being harsh as my DP and I have different issues with his child where we need to ensure they stay active and eat properly to maintain their healthy weight.)

We had a similar issue with one of my step children. Mum is very very big and having a fat child seemed to make her feel better, she could make out they were a big family and the slim one was the anomaly.

I had a friend like this. She was big and I think she wanted someone else to be big as well. Her DD was so overweight it was frightening. In fa t her DH was so annoyed, he also said my friend wanted their DD to join her and be fat.

She went on a residential school trip and nobody wanted to share a bunk with her because of it, so the school called my friend to pick her up...it was so sad.

Every time I saw her she got bigger than the last time, but I blame my friend fir overfeeding her.