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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

So so so fed up

41 replies

DancingMammoth · 23/08/2021 16:53

It's my first post here and want to see what other people think about my situation. So I have DSS 10 50/50 and my DD 7 full time from previous relationship. So to cut long story short, DSS was on and off annoying my DD pretty much throughout the lockdown. By annoying I mean saying things like who cares when she says something, ignores her sometimes and so on. So it did upset DD and I was fully on it to distract and say my DSS that's not acceptable, rude and bullying. So it did improve something but it was still on and off. His father don't think there's any issues and told me at the time to be harder on kids if they misbehaving. It didn't help me to feel supported. He goes to work while I'm at home with both kids. Every time I was trying to say something to DSS my husband disagrees and chucks in that I'm not like that towards my own child. And honestly I can say that I'm equal about them, however I will not let one child bully orher. But in his father's eyes he is perfect and DD is the one getting away with murder, which is not true. Needless to say I did develop resistance towards DSS and my husband for not trying to see where I'm coming from and every attempt ends a full blown argument followed by silent treatment.
Time passed and DSS somehow matured and both kids got along okay. Plus if DSS tried to be annoying DD could stand up for herself and told him to stop. Sometimes she actually initiates and is annoying first, which I do establish and dealing with it accordingly. So then, Saturday morning I woke up DD screaming from anger. So I got downstairs to see what's going on to find DSS is annoying DD and keeps doing it right front of me. I asked him to stop doing it in a firm voice about 10 until he actually stopped. I asked him why he is not listening to me, he just blank looked at me and said he don't want to. I was so upset. So I asked DD did she do anything to annoy him, and she said no. The thing is about DSS he feels he is entitled to everything and can do what he please, and this particular one was just about that. He didn't led DD to sit on the 3 seaters sofa because he wanted to be comfortable. So after I finally got him to let DD on sofa he run upstairs to his dad to say that I'm shouting at him and DD was so annoying to him. DH storms downstairs shouting at me why I'm being like that. As I'm trying to say him I didn't shout for a starter and secondly what happened, DH got angry and said to me that yes I was shouting why would otherwise DSS said that and secondly it's DD whom I need to sort out as she was outrageous. I tried to say him that sometimes this is a case in which case I would deal with them both but DH didn't want to know. He shouted that I'm picking at DSS and being horrible that he done nothing wrong. Couple of hours later DD intentionally jump on DSS that didn't help and DH witnessed it. He started to screaming at her on top of his lungs. I knew he done it because he thinks I shouted at DSS which is not true and he never listened to my side of the story neither DD. I was so upset after all of it and still I am, silent treatment since then. Went to the shop for 5 min yesterday and he said to take my DD with me as he will not look after her. Tomorrow DSS is back and I will be expected to look after him. I'm not sure where I'm standing. Something really broke in me as I never felt supported in parenting and always ending up on the wrong side while DSS gets away with everything and my DD is the difficult one. I keep trying to do my best for this family and did tolerate so much throughout pur relationship that I'm not sure I still have anything left in me

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 23/08/2021 17:03

Why did you agree to look after your SS if your DP won't look after your DD?

Since the kids fight and your SS lies I would say you can't look after him any more. Remember contact time is for father and son to spend time together not for his son to spend time with you and your DD, who aren't half-siblings.

Also start arranging to and actually be out with your family and your friends with your DD for the time SS arrives so your DP has no choice but to look after his own child himself without you.

LavenderPink · 23/08/2021 18:50

That sounds a right nightmare. Hope you're ok. How come you're looking after both kids? Can you tell him you don't want to look after them both?

candlelightsatdawn · 23/08/2021 19:12

Ahhh the double standards re childcare and SC. I would say to DH since he's not willing to look after DD, your not willing to look after DSS. I would also point out contact time is for him and DSS and if he wants a baby sitter he can pay for one.

This falls into the no good deed goes unpunished camp.

Btw expect the pitch forks to turn up soon. Brace yourself

Hungry675tf · 23/08/2021 19:17

I'd do you and your DD a favour and leave him. Sounds like a horrible home for her to grow up in.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 23/08/2021 19:20

Imo you simply refuse to have dss alone.. But the bigger picture may mean you need to look for alternative accommodation.. Your relationship is over...

Dragon50 · 23/08/2021 19:54

Is DD ok? I’d be terrified if a grown man shouting at me. She’s 7.
I’d leave the relationship for that alone.

OP I’d refuse to look after DSS, in theory this should be an easy thing to do as you are simply following DP’s lead.

Theunamedcat · 23/08/2021 19:57

Yeah I would leave

BettyAndFrank · 23/08/2021 20:02

I would definitely leave…put dd first, this won’t work.

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:11

If you're not ready to leave yet, get him to counselling and fast. These are not small problems, you're not united, you're not operating as a household. That won't work with children who need to feel secure in their surroundings. In the meantime refuse to take DSS.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 23/08/2021 20:17

I would leave in this situation.

Youseethethingis · 23/08/2021 20:19

Oh my, he's a horrible little man who is training a horrible little boy to take on the mantle.
Sack it off. For your child if not for yourself.

ZenNudist · 23/08/2021 20:30

What will he do if you refuse to look after dss? I have dc that ages, they fight like cat and dog. It's 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other. I'd be stunned if your dss and dd aren't the same.

I think you and dh need to talk. You're both taking your dcs side and it's not healthy. You are doing too much with dss but sadly refusing to look after him is just going to make matters worse. If you decided together you'd do childcare and he earned then fair enough. If you pay your way then the situation is unfair. I think the trick is for you to change your work situation so that you can't be in charge of the dc so much. Its clearly getting to you.

That said, if he won't back your parenting decisions then you can't keep on looking after dss. If you do get dh to back you up it isn't green light for your dd to do what she likes and you to make dss scapegoat for everything.

femfemlicious · 23/08/2021 20:47

If your SS was lying down on the 3 seater sofa, your daughter could have sat elsewhere?

ZenNudist · 23/08/2021 20:53

Femfem. I thought that. It's typical sibling stuff. Whatever one does the other just has to do something that contradicts or causes problems. It's not the children that are the problem. It's the parents taking sides. But the dh sounds awful shouting at OP and her dd.

Approach it that the situation is bad for everyone on the family not just you and dd vs him and dss. It's toxic and dysfunctional and something has to change. Thing is its not just when you're alone with both dc, it's when he's in the house too.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 23/08/2021 22:07

I would leave.
No way would I put up with that crap.
If he wants his kid 50/50 he can look after him himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2021 22:13

You can’t be planning to stay with a grown man who shouts at your 7 year old child to teach you, her mum, a lesson. You’re not are you?

He’s never had your back and he undermines and disrespects you, no wonder his son is rude and horrible.

However hard it might be to split up, your daughter literally only has you to stick up for her and put her first. You’re not doing that at the moment.

JulesCobb · 23/08/2021 22:26

I would tell him he will be taking care of his own son from now on as he will not look after your dd. Nor should you want him to.

Also, this is is not a good environment for your dd.

How much parenting does your dh do?

Do you work?

MiddleParking · 23/08/2021 22:48

@femfemlicious

If your SS was lying down on the 3 seater sofa, your daughter could have sat elsewhere?

Original poster

DancingMammoth · 24/08/2021 07:33

Thank you so much for your opinions. It does help to look at this from a perspective. I do childcare as he physically goes out to work for his business while I'm doing accounting and admin, also I study and will finish that in couple of months. I do not want to stay, this one was an eye opener for me. I did put up with a crap from DSS and most of the times dealt with it then and there. I would let this one go if DSS would actually listened and we all could agree that thats not ok but he didn't and his father just showed what I kind of felt for some time. The thing is that if he doesn't like something about my DD he comes to me which is fine, but if he gets funny about something and directs to DD in such manner, that's a big no for me and I do put my DD first. He does a zero childcare with my DD picking her up from after school club once a week, that's it. I do all school runs. I haven't spoken to him yet and moved into spare room. His son is not here so I assume he made arrangements. We are waiting for counselling in a couple of weeks we booked some time ago, having individual sessions at the moment but honestly I'm not sure what it will help if he disrespects me and my DD. As you say, it's not environment I'm willing my child to grow up. So, I'm considering my options. Shame I have no family near by I could stay while finishing studies and starting to earn. Still feeling absolutely terrible

OP posts:

ohstopityourmakingitup · 24/08/2021 07:43

I don't think your dds behaviour wasn't great over the three seater. Unless there was no where else to sit she could have sat else where. My kids do that to each other when they purposely want to piss each other off - especially if the other child is settled and comfy. Then screaming - which was unnecessary to get your attention.

However I'd leave. The situation has now become untenable It really isn't ok for him to be bellowing at your dd. Why is it ok for you to watch his child whilst he works but he won't even have your child when you nip to the shops?

twitchersanon · 24/08/2021 07:49

It all sounds a bit one sided with the childcare. I’m not surprised you want out. If you wouldn’t want your DD to end up in the same position one day, it’s time to cut your losses.

vivainsomnia · 24/08/2021 08:14

In all likelihood, you are both being biased about your own kids and are both convinced the other is wrong. In the example you gave of the sofa, if he was on it, lying down , and your DD came, tried to sit on his feet or push him to sit there, when they are other places to sit, I would deem that your DD was in the wrong. It's all a matter of perception.

Ultimately, blood siblings fight like this all the time too and the worse things parents can do is to try to get involved because although they believe they are totally impartial, they rarely are. Whether it is because they favour one child, or one child is more talented at playing innocent.

You and your OH should agree not to get involved in their hissy fit and let them resolve it. Only get involved if it gets nasty, in which case, send them both in their own room. The innocent, if there really is one, will say it's unfair, but I used to remind my kids that they always had the option to walk away, and they chose not to, so they are not so innocent anyway.

Original poster

DancingMammoth · 24/08/2021 08:19

Sofa is the only option in the living room. Yes, I got that DSS was doing it for purpose as he was stretching out his arms and legs as much as he could while DD tried to squeeze herself into the corner. Normally I would establish what's what and dealt accordingly with both of them. And I was going to do the same but DSS blankly refused to listen when I asked to move up a bit. There was still plenty of space for him to stretch out. But he didn't do anything and said he doesn't want to move. I had to ask him multiple times and yes my voice grown more firm but not shouting or anything like that. As per DH watching my DD while I'm nipping to the shops or whatever never was a problem. But it appeared in for first time that after all what's already been done left me even more stunned.

OP posts:

wombatspoopcubes · 24/08/2021 08:25

He started to screaming at her on top of his lungs.

That's so awful. You cannot stay with this man. You'll just fuck up your daughters childhood and mental health.

Billandben444 · 24/08/2021 08:38

This isn't about the children snipping away at each other though, is it? A lot of siblings (steps included) do this. It's about parents showing a united front and being supportive in their approach. I agree that this relationship has run its course and, for your daughter's sake, you need to split. Please do not stay with him while you finish your studies - there must be another way.

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