Page 3 | When should step-children stay over

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

gogohm · 14/08/2021 15:39

If they are children (as in under 16) on their normal schedule as far as possible, with the proviso that not the first 24 hours after coming home. If over 16 just negotiate with them as to whether they want to come bearing in mind there's a screaming baby but ideally they visit for a few hours. It's their new sibling so involving them early is important

SpongebobNoPants · 14/08/2021 17:04

@bogoffmda it’s perspective. My SDs wouldn’t say they lived here with my and DP even though they stay over regularly, have their own bedroom, their own stuff etc. They call their mum’s house home and ours “dad’s house”.

My DS does the same. He goes to his dad’s regularly but he calls my house “home”.

There’s nothing sinister in it but I doubt many children in split family situations would call both houses their home, they tend to view one as their main residence and one as a visiting home of the family.

Coffeepot72 · 15/08/2021 07:57

There’s nothing sinister in it but I doubt many children in split family situations would call both houses their home, they tend to view one as their main residence and one as a visiting home of the family.

Totally agree

mummytotwoboys0600 · 15/08/2021 09:11

@snoozysam

Any advise on when having stepchildren stay over after giving birth?

Main points are

3 step children (actually 4 but eldest is 19 and in uni)

they stay over 1 night in the week and every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning

1 wakes up 1-3 times a night for years (never has been a problem just worried how this will be with a screaming newborn in the mix)

1 has behavioural issues - swearing and punching and kicking towards older and younger sibling and all adults in the child's life (concerned how this child will react to the new baby, not that I think she will hurt the new baby but will perhaps act out and misbehave)

due in September

Has anyone been in a situation and did you have a few weeks without having your step children stay over so you could get into a routine or is that selfish of me?

I had a baby last year and my partners two children came to stay the day after we bought him home. It was really tough as they wanted to constantly hold him and I didn't get much chance as we had to all "take it in turns" so if I could go back I would 100% have a few days to bond and get to know baby before others come in. It's important for them not to feel pushed out but I felt very sore and just wanted exhausted and would of loved a few more days just to get my head around everything. Good luck x

Coffeepot72 · 15/08/2021 11:09

You couldn’t hold your own new born baby as much as you wanted because you had to take it in turns with the step children? Jeez, what skewed dynamics.

Youseethethingis · 15/08/2021 11:22

@mummytotwoboys0600
So sorry that happened, I'm so angry for you and your baby!
I'm all for not pushing the older kids out but not at the expense of the new mother being pushed it!

Coffeepot72 · 15/08/2021 11:38

Step families are just so ‘wrong’ at times. It’s like the step children have to be pandered to with everything, often at the expense of other family members. No wonder there is often so much resentment.

Not quite the same thing but I had a minor op many years ago, and DH’s main objective that day was dispatching me at the hospital as swiftly as possible, to enable him to shoot off into town to buy gifts for DSS, to compensate him for the inconvenience I was about to cause, by having an operation …

mummytotwoboys0600 · 15/08/2021 12:22

@Coffeepot72

Step families are just so ‘wrong’ at times. It’s like the step children have to be pandered to with everything, often at the expense of other family members. No wonder there is often so much resentment.

Not quite the same thing but I had a minor op many years ago, and DH’s main objective that day was dispatching me at the hospital as swiftly as possible, to enable him to shoot off into town to buy gifts for DSS, to compensate him for the inconvenience I was about to cause, by having an operation …

It's probably because, god forbid you become the "step mum" and treat the children different. We get labelled but we actually feel that we need to treat them differently or even better than our own children so they don't feel pushed out.

thisisthebestest · 15/08/2021 14:39

Wow those poor original children.
No one seems to give a shit about them, either parenting or housing them poor kids.

bogoffmda · 15/08/2021 14:58

Totally agree - what the children think of each parents place but that is their perspective and never said it was sinister.

However, when the belief is they are staying over from the adults, then they are not afforded the same respect and when push comes to shove the child loses out.

I personally think it is a bad mindset to start with in a blended family.

candlelightsatdawn · 18/08/2021 15:53

@thisisthebestest

Wow those poor original children. No one seems to give a shit about them, either parenting or housing them

poor kids.

If that's what you have taken from the OPs post then I think you need to get some glasses and learn to read correctly 🙄

Mad this whole - offer nothing constructive just a massive lump of shaming with absolutely no relevance to the OPs post.

bogoffmda · 18/08/2021 18:42

Problem is - OP is asking for a few weeks break of DSCs coming over and on an EOW regime that means they will depending on timing not see their DF for potentially 5 weeks.

No that is not acceptable, blended or not - where people get off thinking DSCs can just not see a parent for a month because a new baby has arrived is beyond me. They are part of the family and you can not just dump part of the family because you find them inconvenient.

candlelightsatdawn · 19/08/2021 07:20

@bogoffmda

Problem is - OP is asking for a few weeks break of DSCs coming over and on an EOW regime that means they will depending on timing not see their DF for potentially 5 weeks.

No that is not acceptable, blended or not - where people get off thinking DSCs can just not see a parent for a month because a new baby has arrived is beyond me. They are part of the family and you can not just dump part of the family because you find them inconvenient.

As you quite rightly know because OP has stated it earlier- their own mum did the same when she gave birth to her youngest and the op and DH had all the kids for a similar time period. Which everyone was happy with

So which way does it swing, one rule for the golden uterus and another for anyone else and that's ok ? 😩 come on

Lemonlemon88 · 19/08/2021 07:25

I think it's fine not to want them in labour but after that, it would just be as normal? I was home after ten hours at hospital with my second, they really do just expect you to get on with it with older siblings around.

HeckyPeck · 20/08/2021 21:38

As you quite rightly know because OP has stated it earlier- their own mum did the same when she gave birth to her youngest and the op and DH had all the kids for a similar time period. Which everyone was happy with

So which way does it swing, one rule for the golden uterus and another for anyone else and that's ok ? 😩 come on

Exactly this.

Have you mentioned it to your DH yet? I can't see how anyone can object to you having the same considerations as she had. Hopefully you'll find they're both expecting that anyway 🙂

Lu5332 · 21/08/2021 14:33

Following as my situation mirrors yours and hoping to get some good advice from the comments. Haven't read them yet.

3 DSC

Youngest one wakes everyone up in the night.

Middle one has behavioural issues, is currently going through a stage whereby he shouts and hits his dad. He's being assessed for autism so some allowances are made for meltdowns but I'm aware this isn't appropriate behaviour around a small baby and we need to ensure he adjusts well.

Keen not to make anybody feel left out but want to ensure as smooth a postpartum as possible as baby has some issues and may need extra care / an extended hospital stay after birth.

I also have a history of PND and really don't want to end up that ill again.

Thanks for posting OP.

Coffeepot72 · 21/08/2021 18:00

Keen not to make anybody feel left out but want to ensure as smooth a postpartum as possible as baby has some issues and may need extra care / an extended hospital stay after birth.

I think you need to put yourself and your new baby first for at least a few days. Not everything has to be ‘all about the step children …’

Lu5332 · 21/08/2021 23:12

Thank you Coffee, I agree.

It's just difficult asking for that leeway when as a step parent the general consensus is that SC should be put above all others, so god help you if you don't

saharadry · 23/08/2021 05:36

@snoozysam I'm probably going against the grain here but I'd be expecting mum to have them for a month- just like you did them.

You need time to settle into a routine and enjoy your baby without the night 'work' where you're up/ down with 15 year old and confined in your bedroom because of the 2+ teens in the lounge.

I think still see them in the days but nights sound like a struggle ANYWAY before a baby comes along.

They are old enough to understand the logistics just don't work. What happens when baby is screaming with wind/ you're getting used to bf/ up- down making bottles half dressed but having to disturb or step over the teens in the lounge?

These first days/ weeks often impact massively- do not feel bad saying this is now your time to have for you/ baby.
Your mental health is very important. Not having these older dsc overnight doesn't make you selfish or a bad person.

What does your husband think?

Coffeepot72 · 23/08/2021 20:42

Surely a healthy/functional family is a collective of individuals who may all have different needs at different times. And there will be occasions when some members need priority over others, due to varying circumstances. This is one of those occasions.