When should step-children stay over

[snoozysam]

Any advise on when having stepchildren stay over after giving birth?

Main points are

• 3 step children (actually 4 but eldest is 19 and in uni)

• they stay over 1 night in the week and every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning

• 1 wakes up 1-3 times a night for years (never has been a problem just worried how this will be with a screaming newborn in the mix)

• 1 has behavioural issues - swearing and punching and kicking towards older and younger sibling and all adults in the child's life (concerned how this child will react to the new baby, not that I think she will hurt the new baby but will perhaps act out and misbehave)

• due in September

Has anyone been in a situation and did you have a few weeks without having your step children stay over so you could get into a routine or is that selfish of me?

We had more contact if I’m honest.
Days without them they came with the nanny after school and then to his ex.
Kids need routine

• It would be ideal if they would all go out on a day trip but I'm sure many of you know that getting two 17 year olds (twins) one who has behavioural problems away from the Xbox to go for a day out somewhere is literally more hassle than it's worth.

• My youngest step child is 15, she has night terrors that she never grew out of. She likes to stay at the house on tik tok or go shopping and says hanging out with her parents ( meaning her dad, her mother , her step father and myself) is embarrassing

• We have no other family, my family live hours away and my husband only has his dad with dementia

• in regards to managing with two bedrooms the eldest two will be off to u uni the not so far away future

• Im worries to stop the eldest ones having their friends or music on and having a good time incase they don't want to stay over anymore

I was just thinking a few weeks to settle wouldn't be much of an ask and the kids are all old enough to understand and as I'm due September we can have all the children for half term a few weeks later. I didn't realise I was being so horrendous thanks for the honestly

@snoozysam

- It would be ideal if they would all go out on a day trip but I'm sure many of you know that getting two 17 year olds (twins) one who has behavioural problems away from the Xbox to go for a day out somewhere is literally more hassle than it's worth.

• My youngest step child is 15, she has night terrors that she never grew out of. She likes to stay at the house on tik tok or go shopping and says hanging out with her parents ( meaning her dad, her mother , her step father and myself) is embarrassing

• We have no other family, my family live hours away and my husband only has his dad with dementia

• in regards to managing with two bedrooms the eldest two will be off to u uni the not so far away future

• Im worries to stop the eldest ones having their friends or music on and having a good time incase they don't want to stay over anymore

I was just thinking a few weeks to settle wouldn't be much of an ask and the kids are all old enough to understand and as I'm due September we can have all the children for half term a few weeks later. I didn't realise I was being so horrendous thanks for the honestly

OP it would be far better to limit how much they can have people over, or listen to music etc, than to stop them coming. Perfectly reasonable in fact, and I hope you don't take that away from this thread! They can go to their friends houses instead and wear headphones, there is a baby in the house.

You aren't being horrendous.

I think there needs to be some extra support in place for the violent one, although I realise that wasn't your point.

A couple of weeks recovery with visits but no overnights sounds perfectly reasonable.

You sound very patient! Honestly, they sound like very hard work.

You’re not being horrendous at all! They’ll need to be more considerate once there’s a baby in the house and will need to limit the noise and their socialising.

I think the fact their mum had an entire month to herself when she had her new babies changes things, she’s obviously ok with being flexible. Would she consider doing something similar for you? How did the kids react to not seeing their mother and new siblings for a whole month? It seems excessive, I don’t know if you should do the exact same thing, maybe a week or two though.

You shouldn’t be worried to tell two 17 year olds they can’t be overly loud and disrupt a newborn baby. They’re not kids, by their age I was a mum. They sound very indulged, have they always been like this?

If you need a few days to settle then you are not being unreasonable to ask their mum if you can pause overnight contact. Most 17yos move away from the set contact dates anyway.

Given their challenges and the tricky set-up with sofa beds in the living room, I really don’t think you’re asking a lot to miss a week. Please don’t feel you have to have loud music and mates round all the time to keep them happy. Everyone has to learn to compromise in families. Depending on your feelings about COVID, you would not be unreasonable to say no to non family visitors after a newborn is just home from hospital.

With the 15yo, I’d ask her what her preference is. Explain that the baby will cry in the night to start with and let her know she’s welcome to be with you.

And the age-old cry of ‘you wouldn’t ship your first child out when the second came’ is often heard in this board. But many families ask GPs, godparents or aunties etc to take older children for a night or two when a new sibling is arriving/just after.

Do what’s best for you and your whole family.

I meant to add, of course they can still come and meet the baby and their dad can spend time with them,, it’s not about not seeing them or shutting them out - just making a few adjustments for a short time.

At 17, they should well understand that they can't have loud music and take over the house with a new baby around. Perfectly reasonable to tell them that can't happen.

If they decide they don't want to come for those reasons for a little while, then so be it, and you shouldn't be offended/worried.

OP, if your step kids mom has given birth to 2_children in fairly recent times, then your step kids should be pretty well acquainted with accommodations that need to made when their is an infant in the home particularly as relates to noise and sleep schedules.

These kids are no strangers to the world of new babies in the household. Tbh, your space accommodations are woefully inadequate for the number of children who reside in that space at various times, and the needs and interests of all of the children regardless of age should be accommodated and factored into any arrangements.

Your home is likely to be a noisy and cluttered space for the next several months but you will all survive.

The ex asked for a break so you should be allowed and entitled as a new mother adjusting, congrats x

I'd also suggest it's fair to have a similar arrangement that their mum had.

But is something being done to address the issues causing your step daughter to show her unhappiness through violence?

Im worries to stop the eldest ones having their friends or music on and having a good time incase they don't want to stay over anymore

Don't be, it's your home too. You will be feeling vulnerable. At their age I'd suggest their parent explains what it will be like, and that it might be boring for them but they are still welcome and leave it up to them if they come or not.

Normal contact.

Just put a limit on friends

I feel quite sorry for the kids tbh, when their DM has a child she ships them off for one month (!) and they are crammed like sardines into their father's house, where once they start uni they can no longer stay.
In theory OP the mother should be fine considering how you stepped up when she gave birth, but I'd want to be mindful of the message these children are getting whenever a new sibling comes along. If you have another child you wouldn't dream of sending your dc1 elsewhere whilst you 'get into a routine'. Even if you don't want them staying over get your DH to take them out for dinner or something, so that they don't lose out on contact time.

@Mumof3almost4

I think it depends. I had a section so needed a couple of weeks to get over it. DP had to help me a lot and would not have been able to properly supervise his young DS

So you already have 3 children? Almost 4? Where do your other children go when you have a new baby?

Have them over but no friends, really need to figure out a space for them to go so the Living room is back to being that and you can relax with baby and visited etc

I had my step children over the day after I gave birth, they were amazingly well behaved (not like them) and dh did all the running around, cooking etc..whilst I rested, we kept the step children’s routine exactly the same. Yes there were times I wish they weren’t there but I didn’t want them to feel they were being pushed out by the new baby.

Surely when you conceived this child you considered how things will be?
Sadly your dh has just as much responsibility as his ex regarding looking after his dc, that doesn’t change because they have behavioural issues and doesn’t change because he has a baby with his new partner.

Blended families are not easy (been there, done it and eventually walked away), there’s going to many times where you have to smile and grit your teeth to please everyone.

Would it be the end of the world if the OP had a few days off from her step children? In a together family no one bats an eyelid if the children are despatched to sister/granny etc for a few days when a new baby arrives

They stay with their DM, she should return the favour.

Then no more friends round for months. Put a stop to that you and your baby will need peace.

If the 3 of them stayed with you for a month after their mum gave birth each time to their 2 half siblings then surely you should be afforded the same courtesy?;i'd say that's fair.

Also what's your plan moving forward?;the current bedroom situation is no longer going to be suitable with a 5th child im the house.

step children do not stay over with their parents they live with them.

@bogoffmda

step children do not stay over with their parents they live with them.

And the most "helpful" and useless comment goes to you 👏🏼🙄

My dss is in his 20s.
The house my dh and I have bought together is not his home.
He is a welcome visitor, but it is not his home.
Nor is it the home of my own dc. Again, welcome visitors.

thanks candlelights - but it is relevant - if you do not consider your SDCS as living with their father and only visiting then they are always an inconvenience and the fist thing that gets chopped when there is an issue.

Goes with OPs comment that 2 bedrooms is fine as the eldest 2 are off to uni - ergo not coming to "stay" live with their Dad in the holidays etc.