When should step-children stay over

[snoozysam]

Any advise on when having stepchildren stay over after giving birth?

Main points are

• 3 step children (actually 4 but eldest is 19 and in uni)

• they stay over 1 night in the week and every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning

• 1 wakes up 1-3 times a night for years (never has been a problem just worried how this will be with a screaming newborn in the mix)

• 1 has behavioural issues - swearing and punching and kicking towards older and younger sibling and all adults in the child's life (concerned how this child will react to the new baby, not that I think she will hurt the new baby but will perhaps act out and misbehave)

• due in September

Has anyone been in a situation and did you have a few weeks without having your step children stay over so you could get into a routine or is that selfish of me?

I would assume normal visits throughout

I’d expect their routine to continue as usual. Unfair to expect them to have less contact time as they have so little anyway,

Unless there's a really good reason (for example if you were dangerously ill) I'd expect their contact to carry on as normal.

They stay as normal obviosuly. They are family and siblings of the baby. They aren't "staying over" they're in their home with their dad. Where would this baby be going if another sibling is born in future?

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

They stay as normal obviosuly. They are family and siblings of the baby. They aren't "staying over" they're in their home with their dad. Where would this baby be going if another sibling is born in future?

This

I’d expect the to continue visiting but their dad to really step up. I think if stepmum had a baby then their visits stopped that could send the wrong message. Is the child with violent behaviour being supported? That sounds a bit worrying. Maybe contact could be jiggled so they could attend without siblings to give everyone a break from it? Or would be continue to be violent even without siblings there?

Yep, normal contact. Can you say why you feel this shouldn't be the case OP? Not judging, just wondered about your reasoning

Well contact would continue as normal obviously, but you could ask your partner to take the other kids away for the weekend, if you wanted the house to yourself with baby.

They would feel very pushed out, which could leave them resentful, if you stopped them staying because they had a new sibling.

I was lucky DSD went on holiday with her mum a few days after I gave birth but I'd never have asked for that, all being well. Although I don't think a night or two after you come home from hospital is too much to ask.
Does their Dad normally do all the parenting or has he form for shunting it on to you?

I think it depends. I had a section so needed a couple of weeks to get over it. DP had to help me a lot and would not have been able to properly supervise his young DS

If these children were biologically yours then where would they go?
Visitation should continue as normal.

@Mumof3almost4

But what would you do if you then had another baby? Would you send your child somewhere else for a couple of weeks while you recovered from the birth of their sibling?

We did normal visits apart from the couple of days after coming home; it’d be pretty rubbish for the kids for dad to have a new baby and suddenly they aren’t welcome for a few weeks
I can imagine that it will be hard work and you have my sympathy in that but equally it must have been something you thought about before having a baby?

I think it's ok to have a brief lull in regular contact to allow you to settle in with the new baby if you feel you need this. Those first days at home can be hard with your first baby..

Thanks all appreciate your opinions.

The reason I ask is because

• I forgot to say really want to see the children but perhaps drop them back home in the evenings ( I just don't know if I'll be well or not, could be perfectly fine who knows)

• when my husbands ex partner gave birth to the two other children she has had with her partner the children stayed with us for a month so she could settle (which was no issue)

• this baby is my first

• it rarely ends up with just the children staying over as the older two always invite their friends and are blasting music and loud which I understand is normal for teenagers ( usually fine just wondering how it will work with a newborn)

• we live a two bedroom house , so the two boys quite happily take over the living room and have the sofa beds out and they all play Xbox with their mates and I get out of their way to my bedroom ( usually fine as they are happy just don't know how I'm going to be settling a little one with the noise from the boys and then my other step child waking up all throughout the night) p.s it doesn't matter if the boys make noise or not for my youngest step child she wakes up as she suffers from night terrors and she's upstairs in her own room

• my husband does look after the children and doesn't shun it on me however his father is elderly and suffering from dementia and presses his panic button a few times a night so hubby and myself have to go see to him ( which again I completely understand I'd be the same with my parent, and won't be going once the baby is here and hubby will have to sort him on his own like he does when the children are staying over )

When my ex's new partner had her babies we did tweak the arrangements. On both occasions she was in hospital for quite a long time and ex had to support her. They called on family support (his mum and hers) and I was happy swap contact weekends and be flexible about additional days. It worked well and my DC completely understood that their Dad was needed elsewhere for a few days. Also when I have had crises in my family recently (close family member seriously ill and subsequently died) my ex has never questioned that he would need to step up and have the DC on additional days or swap weekends. It works because we are co-parents and communicate.

So whilst I agree contact should continue as normal wherever possible there could be scope for flexibility as long as the children understand that they remain a central part of the family.

@snoozysam

Thanks all appreciate your opinions.

The reason I ask is because

• I forgot to say really want to see the children but perhaps drop them back home in the evenings ( I just don't know if I'll be well or not, could be perfectly fine who knows)

• when my husbands ex partner gave birth to the two other children she has had with her partner the children stayed with us for a month so she could settle (which was no issue)

• this baby is my first

• it rarely ends up with just the children staying over as the older two always invite their friends and are blasting music and loud which I understand is normal for teenagers ( usually fine just wondering how it will work with a newborn)

• we live a two bedroom house , so the two boys quite happily take over the living room and have the sofa beds out and they all play Xbox with their mates and I get out of their way to my bedroom ( usually fine as they are happy just don't know how I'm going to be settling a little one with the noise from the boys and then my other step child waking up all throughout the night) p.s it doesn't matter if the boys make noise or not for my youngest step child she wakes up as she suffers from night terrors and she's upstairs in her own room

• my husband does look after the children and doesn't shun it on me however his father is elderly and suffering from dementia and presses his panic button a few times a night so hubby and myself have to go see to him ( which again I completely understand I'd be the same with my parent, and won't be going once the baby is here and hubby will have to sort him on his own like he does when the children are staying over )

I think if the ex asked for a break after birth from DC I think she wouldn't object it being the same for you. Fairs fair after all

How is it going to work on the future with two teens using the living room and being very noisy plus the new baby? Surely they’re old enough to be reasonable and understand that when small babies live in the house they need to be quiet/not blasting music!

Just seen your update - if you have a newborn then the existing children (step or otherwise) need to learn to keep the noise down and not invite friends round. That's reasonable imo.

If their mum had you pick up slack whilst she had a baby then reasonable that same rule applies to you. Sounds like hell having 4/5 dc and 2 bed house.

When you had the kids for a month at a time, did they visit their Mom at all? Just wondering if you could mirror what happened then. But i dont think Dad should be not seeing them for a month. I think at vest the night in the week they eat at yours he takes them out and the weekends they'd sleep over he picks them up and spends the day with them. Pop into yours to see the baby / check in etc but generally don't be under your feet.

If you have a CS then that does make a difference and i wouldn't expect him to be out all day for the first few weeks.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

They stay as normal obviosuly. They are family and siblings of the baby. They aren't "staying over" they're in their home with their dad. Where would this baby be going if another sibling is born in future?

Also this.

Would they move in with you and drop contact with their mum if she had another baby?

Carry on as normal. I'd expect your partner or family members (children's grandparents or aunts/uncles on his side) to step up and provide support if eg you have had a c-section and can't entertain them easily. I'd still expect them to come over as they normally do but perhaps get grandparents etc to take them out for a few hours if you need a rest. This is what lots of people whose children live with them full time do after a new baby. It takes a village and all that. Don't let the children feel pushed out by the new arrival though.

Well you can tell them they can't have friends over or play video games all day in the living room. If they come over as usual they will need to adjust accordingly. I think my biggest concern would be the child that wakes in the night. How old are they? I think if it's going to be an issue and they're unable to settle themselves, this would be my biggest issue that might make it worth considering holding off having them over. Is there someone else your DH could get to respond to his dad if he calls?