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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Told I’m being selfish ! Am I in the wrong…

39 replies

Lifesforloving1 · 19/07/2021 20:38

My step daughters mum has asked my partner to have her full time because she cannot handle SD’s behaviour as she has 2 other children. ( social services involved )
Myself and my partner said yes of course ! We will get the ball rolling if that’s what needs to happen to be there for SD .
Anyway … my SD has a few issues with Lying. ( telling big lies intact ) myself working at a school finds this terrifying . I’m constantly worrying what will be twisted yet . My SD is having help with this though.
This evening, myself and my partner have had a big bust up over a very ( what should not be an issue at all ! ) he asked me , when SD comes to live here am I still able to work 3 nights a week ? I said nicely … I don’t mind looking after her 2 nights a week tops but I will find 3 nights a week to much as well as working and I have health issues . SD plays me up quite a lot also. My partner stormed out the house shouting ? Just being he couldn’t get his own way . I said to him , he will have to change work about a little bit ?
Still not having it ……….
Pissed right off . He said … I need to do what’s right for her !
I agree; however it’s effecting my life too .
What do you all think ?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 19/07/2021 20:57

He needs to be the one changing his work for his child, not you. Cheeky bloody sod. Is your partner with you for you or because he wants you to do the wife work?

It's obviously lovely if you help him out sometimes but it shouldn't be expected.

SandyY2K · 19/07/2021 21:04

I said nicely … I don’t mind looking after her 2 nights a week tops

This was more than generous tbh and he should be very grateful. I don't understand his entitled behaviour.

He thinks he can carry on as he was, with no change on his work schedule, for his daughter.... and he calls you selfish.... talk about trying to manipulate you.

excelledyourself · 19/07/2021 21:05

Ask him how he'll cope every night if you leave him because of his shit attitude.

He needs to do what's right for her.

Felic23 · 19/07/2021 21:11

Totally unacceptable from him. 2 nights is nice of you to help and of course living together you should be a team and support one another but shouting at your very reasonable offer and behaving like that- childish and ridiculous.

Motherofking · 19/07/2021 21:12

hes the selfish one

0None0 · 19/07/2021 21:13

I can’t see this working

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 19/07/2021 21:15

You need to do what's right for her?

No, he does!

Rainbowqueeen · 19/07/2021 21:19

No you are not being selfish.

Mintjulia · 19/07/2021 21:28

You aren't being at all selfish. She is his child. It's up to him to arrange his time as necessary, not expect you to be unpaid childcare. He needs to flex his working hours.

And to be honest, I wouldn't be wasting my time on any adult who reacts to not getting his own way by shouting and storming out. I can't see it working.

Original poster
Lifesforloving1 · 19/07/2021 21:30

@SandyY2K @Motherofking @Rainbowqueeen @lunar1 @BunnytheFriendlyDragon @excelledyourself @Felic23
Thanks for you’re thoughts everyone, I know myself I’m not in the wrong …. I just wanted others options too. Bloody selfish behaviour from him !! It’s really upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifesforloving1 · 19/07/2021 21:34

@Mintjulia
Thankyou ! I’m really upset over it actually. He’s totally thrown his toys out the pram.

OP posts:
Uramaki · 19/07/2021 21:35

My partner stormed out the house shouting

So you offered to do something nice and look after his child for two days and he reacted like this?!

Absolutely out of order.

Howshouldibehave · 19/07/2021 21:35

Are you married to this man?

I don’t think this is going to end well at all.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 21:51

My partner stormed out the house shouting ?

This would have me leaving the relationship tbh. You're signing up for living full time with a terribly behaved SC, and you've also got him reacting in this wildly inappropriate way? I can see very little joy in that life for you. Save yourself a lot of misery and get out, I would!

Original poster
Lifesforloving1 · 19/07/2021 21:52

@Howshouldibehave
No, he’s my boyfriend of 8yrs

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2021 21:58

What Sofa said.

Step daughter aside, do not put up with this shit from the person who’s meant to love you the most.

This is not how decent people behave. He’s obviously stressed but taking it out on you is appalling.

How are things otherwise?

I can’t help thinking your life would be an awful lot nicer without this demanding, entitled, angry, shouting man and his difficult daughter in it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2021 22:01

No, he’s my boyfriend of 8yrs

He should be your ex. What a prick, wanting you to take on so much for his child, and then being so awful to you about it. I hope this has been a wake-up call for you.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/07/2021 22:06

Has he reacted this way before? Has he ever had to compromise or has he had everything as he wants it?

Original poster
Lifesforloving1 · 19/07/2021 22:14

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale
He gets grumpy a lot ! But like I said ….. this is totally uncalled for . When you are a parent. You adapt… not make you’re girlfriend feel like crap !

OP posts:
ShinyGreenElephant · 20/07/2021 06:30

You've been more than generous, I would retract the offer tbh now he's reacted like this or offer at a maximum one night on the condition that you can manage her behaviour as you see fit and he will back you up entirely. It was assumed in the past that I would watch my step kids most days during school holidays as I'm a teacher, but when DSD would moan and whinge and ruin days out then I couldn't say boo to her as she would cry to DH and he would complain that we were out too much, never gave her a chance to chill (ie play on her phone all day), told her off too much etc etc It was a nightmare and I strongly recommend you don't let yourself end up with a dynamic like that. Your partner sounds like even more of an idiot than my husband- one of those men who want you to do everything for their child but have no say in their behaviour. No thanks!

Weebleweeble · 20/07/2021 06:49

How old is she - that she needs looked after - 2? Or do you mean someone has to be home?

ShinyGreenElephant · 20/07/2021 08:57

@Weebleweeble she has to be 9+ as op and her partner have been together 8 years, but if her behaviour issues are so severe that her mum is entirely giving up custody of her then I assume she can't just be left to her own devices 3 nights a week. Unless the night shifts are eg 11pm until 5am and shes sure to be asleep the whole time hes out - if that's the case then its not so bad.

SwanSummers · 20/07/2021 17:20

Is there anyone who can come over and look after her on the third night if that's too much for you to handle? Does he have siblings/parents who could, or otherwise look up local babysitters?
I can see why he's stressed with the situation, it's not like he is wanting to go out socialising, it's work which is providing income which is going to be even more necessary with having his child full time now, though he didn't handle it well. He should have spoken about other childcare options rather than visibly showing his stress by shouting.

StopGo · 20/07/2021 17:57

If he works full time plus three evenings a week can he afford the drop in income? He will probably get Child Benefit for and possibly some Child Maintenance.

I really don't like his behaviour but possibly it's the financial aspect that his worrying him.

SpongebobNoPants · 20/07/2021 18:44

@ShinyGreenElephant
Unless the night shifts are eg 11pm until 5am and shes sure to be asleep the whole time hes out - if that's the case then its not so bad

It would still be bad because he’ll then be asleep when his DD is awake so she’ll either be left on her own 3 mornings a week or OP will have to get her up for school etc or in the school holidays keep her occupied until at least midday when he wakes up.
In any shift pattern in involving nights he’ll be reliant on OP to help.

He’s being grossly unfair and I’d tell him to fuck off and parent his own child.

Resident parents always have to choose their working life around their parental responsibilities. Now it’s his turn to do just that.