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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Told I’m being selfish ! Am I in the wrong…

39 replies

Lifesforloving1 · 19/07/2021 20:38

My step daughters mum has asked my partner to have her full time because she cannot handle SD’s behaviour as she has 2 other children. ( social services involved )
Myself and my partner said yes of course ! We will get the ball rolling if that’s what needs to happen to be there for SD .
Anyway … my SD has a few issues with Lying. ( telling big lies intact ) myself working at a school finds this terrifying . I’m constantly worrying what will be twisted yet . My SD is having help with this though.
This evening, myself and my partner have had a big bust up over a very ( what should not be an issue at all ! ) he asked me , when SD comes to live here am I still able to work 3 nights a week ? I said nicely … I don’t mind looking after her 2 nights a week tops but I will find 3 nights a week to much as well as working and I have health issues . SD plays me up quite a lot also. My partner stormed out the house shouting ? Just being he couldn’t get his own way . I said to him , he will have to change work about a little bit ?
Still not having it ……….
Pissed right off . He said … I need to do what’s right for her !
I agree; however it’s effecting my life too .
What do you all think ?

OP posts:

MarianneUnfaithful · 20/07/2021 18:49

Is he panicking about money? Presumably any maintenance payments he makes in respect of this Dd will stop. What about her child benefit?

He needs to calm down.

I would sit down with him and go through all the implications.

She sounds troubled and disturbed, hardly surprising if there had been SS involvement and she may feel v insecure now being pushed out by her Mum, however much she will be better living with you.

Your DH needs to think about her emotional security. You and on the same page because otherwise she will drive a massive wedge between you and exploit it. She probably NEEDS her Dad to be there in the evenings, not absent and working all the time.

And he needs reminding how much impact this will have on you, and he can’t palm off his responsibility.

Lastly, talk to him calmly but clearly about his attacking and storming off. This is the LAST behaviour that a troubled teen needs or will respond to. He needs to learn to be calm and DW-escalate situations otherwise your household will be in constant conflagration.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/07/2021 19:00

Ignoring his storming out for a minute, how flexible can he be with work? Can he actually drop any night shifts and keep the job? Is his income going to be affected?
I wonder if it is because he's worried....has he come back and apologised now? If not then obviously you are going to have to reconsider your position. It's a very big ask to take on a child(teenager?) who is clearly troubled.
Do you have children of your own to deal with as well?

Theunamedcat · 20/07/2021 19:04

Literally his child his problem to solve here I get your meant to be a partnership but he doesn't get to take the piss

amylou8 · 20/07/2021 19:06

I think if you're blending the family, and he's working, then you both muck in together for childcare. It would be different if he was swanning off to see mates or a hobby, but if he's earning income for the household then yeah you should probably look after his daughter.

rishisboater · 20/07/2021 19:07

I think you are absolutely right to state your ability now. It's much better than over promising and ending up burning out or resenting things because ultimately his dd will be losing out if she doesn't have someone able to care for her properly.

You have to look out for yourself. It doesn't sound like he will look out for you.

Practically though, if you're in the house you will end up doing things for her in this time. Unless you're planning to go to your room on the evenings she's his responsibility.

It's almost impossible to step in and out of parenting when a step child lives with you.

mommabear2386 · 20/07/2021 19:37

I refused to ever have SC overnight and I have only done it recently now they are all mid/late teens but refused for 7 years because I want comfortable much to his ex's and his family's dismay !!

SpongebobNoPants · 20/07/2021 19:54

Sounds like he may need to change jobs to be honest, and make sure he gets maintenance from her mum

Fullofglee · 20/07/2021 20:00

mommabear2386

I refused to ever have SC overnight and I have only done it recently now they are all mid/late teens but refused for 7 years because I want comfortable much to his ex's and his family's dismay

I'm not surprised the ex and his family were appalled that's disgusting behaviour they should be entitled to sleep over at their fathers house. You give step mom's a bad name.

Op your entitled to have boundaries especially if she has challenging behaviour. Will she be staying overnight at mums at all?

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/07/2021 20:10

they should be entitled to sleep over at their fathers house

Does that extend to each and every girlfriend's house? Often the reality if Mum is awarded the marital home.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 20:25

@amylou8

OP is also working. She does not owe him extra favours in return for paying his share of the Bill's.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 20:26

I'm not surprised the ex and his family were appalled that's disgusting behaviour they should be entitled to sleep over at their fathers house. You give step mom's a bad name.

Given the context of the thread, do you not think she might have meant she refused to have them on her own?

Micemakingclothes · 20/07/2021 20:36

As a step-parent you aren’t obligated to change your schedule at all. You certainly shouldn’t be compromising your income for someone who has no legal obligations to you financially.

Now of course this is a household and a person you care about and it’s perfectly reasonable to help out, but you are ok to set limits. You aren’t the parent. This is primarily his job.

SpongebobNoPants · 20/07/2021 20:38

@Fullofglee you think dating / being married to someone means you have to offer childcare whenever they want to stay there even if their actual parent isn’t their to actually parent them?
Errrr no

I am happy to offer ad hoc childcare to my SCs if there’s an emergency but no, they don’t generally stay over if my DP is here because they are his responsibility. I would firstly want to be asked if it was ok and secondly be respected enough to not have either him or them throw a tantrum if I say “no, that doesn’t work for me”.

Even though my kids (who are SCs to my DP) live here full time I wouldn’t expect or assume my DP to provide childcare for them… he occasionally gets asked if he can, but it is never expected of him and I certainly wouldn’t ask him to commit to looking after them on a regular basis as default childcare.

That’s so rude!

But then again, my DP and I respect each other and our own boundaries.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2021 09:02

He thinks by storming out, you'll bow down and agree.

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