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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell inlaws and step kids I'm expecting.

35 replies

Sumsomin12 · 19/07/2021 20:37

Hi all,

I am having some anxiety over when to tell my inlaws and step kids that I'm expecting. I'm married and expecting my first I'm almost 20weeks. We have only told my mum/ dad and sister. I am especially close to my family and they live close by. I have two step kids aged 5 and 6. I have been with my husband for 4 years married for two. And I have a good relationship with his kiddies. They live quite far away. Approx 180 miles away and husbands parents also live near the step kids. We wanted to tell the step kids in person together but the kids have been in and out of isolation with covid and being pregnant we haven't risked it. So my DH has travelled to see the kids and stayed at his parents. We thought if we told his parents they wouldn't like to keep secrets and they are still close to the ex as well as seeing the grandkids quite a bit . We didn't want anyone to know until after 12 weeks anyway. But realistically is it okay to leave it a bit later on for kids to know? 20 weeks now and we don't want to know sex as it just doesn't matter to us. And should inlaws and step kids be told at the same time?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 15:04

Congratulations OP. His kids, his parents, it’s not like you’ve banned him from telling them so far. And it’s been a weird year.

If you can’t both tell the DC face to face soon then by himself will have to do.

And he’s not close to his parents so it doesn’t sound like you see them much, so whenever you both feel ready.

I wish we’d been able to hold off telling my DSC a bit longer than we did as “when’s the baby coming” became a weekly feature and mine were quite a bit older!

Original poster
Sumsomin12 · 20/07/2021 17:26

Thankyou for the supportive messaged and yes we will tell them soon I'm sure. I just know what they are like and ofcourse so does DH. I hate to say it put we discussed the risk that if we told them early that they'd tell DSS and DSD and say it slipped out. Or tell the ex before we had a chance to. There have been other instances on the past whereby we have put an offer on a house , gone away for the weekend or even if one of us is sick. The inlaws tell the kids and the ex straight away like a go between.

OP posts:
Topofthepopicles · 20/07/2021 17:29

I think your arguments are totally reasonable up to 12 weeks, after that you should tell the children and his parents. Seems very late as it is and you’ve presumably had the 20week scan. I can’t think of any possible reason to keep it longer from them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 17:44

@Topofthepopicles

I think your arguments are totally reasonable up to 12 weeks, after that you should tell the children and his parents. Seems very late as it is and you’ve presumably had the 20week scan. I can’t think of any possible reason to keep it longer from them.
Who wrote the rules on when a woman has to announce the contents of her uterus to people she already knows can’t be trusted to keep things in confidence?

Easy to see from what she’s said that there’s a clear reason why she’s not telling anyone but those closest to her, because she doesn’t want to.

newomums · 20/07/2021 17:49

@Topofthepopicles tbh I would wait until after 20 weeks to until viability or 24 weeks if possible but it's personal choice.

People think ah 12 weeks your safe and sometimes you aren't. 20 week scan is where some really heartbreaking decisions may need to be made (I haven't got lived experienced that particular heartbreak). That's not something I would like to have to explain to children and even justify to others.

Again op please remember you know your family dynamics best and as long as you do it with kindness and consideration towards the family. Uber weird year and I don't think anything has been done out of spite.

This is yours and your DP pregnancy, there really isn't any perfect path to take. Each road has dips and rises !

MissingTheMissletoe · 20/07/2021 17:51

@AnneLovesGilbert 4 and 6, and yes they were devastated. 20 weeks might have been a long time for your kids but for 2 girls that see their father once a month it’s a very short space of time.

Lazypuppy · 20/07/2021 17:51

At 12 weeks. Waiting until 20 weeks, qhen other people know, will just scream at them that they are last to know.

I told my mum at 4 weeks pregnant, and then everyone else at 12 weeks

Stath · 21/07/2021 11:51

Congratulations OP.

Can I gently ask why your DH lives so far away from his children?

Fullofglee · 30/07/2021 16:35

I'm guessing it's because his dc were babies when you ended up on the scene and you think will get a negative reaction from his parents? Can I ask why you both live far away from his own young dc? If it was one of my dc I must admit I wouldn't be impressed if one of my sons moved away from his dc when they were tiny then went on to have another baby.

Porcupineintherough · 31/07/2021 09:25

I hesitate to mention this but if the arrival of this baby is going to mean a cut in maintenance to the ex, then it would be good to tell her sooner rather than later. Also if you are expecting to change access arrangements after the birth.

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