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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell inlaws and step kids I'm expecting.

35 replies

Sumsomin12 · 19/07/2021 20:37

Hi all,

I am having some anxiety over when to tell my inlaws and step kids that I'm expecting. I'm married and expecting my first I'm almost 20weeks. We have only told my mum/ dad and sister. I am especially close to my family and they live close by. I have two step kids aged 5 and 6. I have been with my husband for 4 years married for two. And I have a good relationship with his kiddies. They live quite far away. Approx 180 miles away and husbands parents also live near the step kids. We wanted to tell the step kids in person together but the kids have been in and out of isolation with covid and being pregnant we haven't risked it. So my DH has travelled to see the kids and stayed at his parents. We thought if we told his parents they wouldn't like to keep secrets and they are still close to the ex as well as seeing the grandkids quite a bit . We didn't want anyone to know until after 12 weeks anyway. But realistically is it okay to leave it a bit later on for kids to know? 20 weeks now and we don't want to know sex as it just doesn't matter to us. And should inlaws and step kids be told at the same time?

OP posts:
Kiatu · 19/07/2021 20:38

I think telling them when you told your parents would have been the fair thing to do

Ginger1982 · 19/07/2021 20:43

I think you need to tell them now.

Thack · 19/07/2021 20:48

I'd be inclined to tell parents first. It gives them a chance to ask questions /give advice that isn't suitable for little ears.

Depending on their mindset, they could also be offended that they are treated on the same level as kids. A respect thing, if you see what I mean (sorry I haven't communicated that well)

Lollypop701 · 19/07/2021 20:55

I really never comment on this type of thread as I’m not a step parent. But… You are half way through your pregnancy, you have told your immediate family and are asking when to tell his family?honestly I find that really disrespectful. Grandparents exist on both sides of a family? I have no history on the step siblings set us, but His children are going to be siblings- are you going to wait so long to tell your own child if you get pregnant again? Is there a reason for this????

Kitkat151 · 19/07/2021 20:56

Very disrespectful not to have told your in-laws by now.......why hasn’t your partner insisted they be told....mine would have just told them...,or does he need your permission ?🙄

Dandy0911 · 19/07/2021 20:57

I think it's a little unfair that your side knows and at 20 weeks his family are blissfully unaware when there are grandparents on both sides

nimbuscloud · 19/07/2021 20:57

I think his parents may be very upset at not being told before now
Can he tell them while he is there ?

Original poster
Sumsomin12 · 19/07/2021 21:00

There wasn't a reason in so much that my DH isn't as close to his parents as I am to mine and slightly different dynamics. I told my mum because you want someone as a woman to go to for advice this was my first pregnancy naturally I was going to want my mum for that reason. I have never been pregnant before and to be honest she guessed it the moment I was sick at her house. And ofcourse mum couldn't keep it a secret from dad and then my sister is my absolute best friend if I'm honest and so I told her at 12 weeks. Plan was to then tell DSD and DSS but last 3 months has been riddled with isolations and we didn't want to face time with that kind of news.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sumsomin12 · 19/07/2021 21:01

And DH thought it best his parents know around the same time he told his kids

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 19/07/2021 21:10

Can't he tell them when he's there? You could be on FaceTime?

Lipz · 19/07/2021 21:18

I wouldn't leave it much longer. Sure you must be showing at 20 weeks? Tell his parents now and tell the children either later that day or the next day

DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange · 19/07/2021 21:25

You really need to tell them ASAP. It’s already long enough for it to look like you’ve been deliberately not telling them.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 22:01

I don't think you need to overthink this. Just tell them all soon!

CarnationCat · 19/07/2021 22:04

Tell them all asap. Both of your parents and DC should have known at the same time. Tell them tomorrow. If it has to be via Facetime, so be it. Do not let slip that your parents have known for weeks.

BackforGood · 19/07/2021 22:12

I can't understand why your dh hasn't told them when he travelled to see them ?

It is very strange, and divisive to have told one set of Grandparents and not the other.

sassbott · 20/07/2021 07:43

Oh FGS. The comments on these boards again!

OP, congrats on your pregnancy. You don’t need to explain to anyone why you told who you told them you told them. Your baby, your body.

In terms of your DH’s parents knowing, that is his remit/ responsibility. They’re his parents. He could have chosen to tell them whenever he wished. The fact that he hasn’t has sweet FA to do with the OP.

OP, enjoy your pregnancy, I understand why it’s been tricky. It’s not been an easy few months to say the least. Let your DH figure out how/ when he’d like to tell them and just support him (via Ft) if that’s what he’d like.

MissingTheMissletoe · 20/07/2021 07:46

DNieces father did exactly what you and your husband have done, didn’t think it was important to tell the kids at 12 weeks and waited til the baby was almost due. They were devastated he’d not told them before then, I’ve never seen two kids look so crushed.

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 08:38

People can be so over dramatic on this subject, if your in laws want to take offence about it not being "fair" that's on them, don't feed the drama.

NameChange30 · 20/07/2021 08:42

I can understand why you haven't told them until now but you need to tell them ASAP. Maybe your DH can tell his parents and children next time he goes to see them (hopefully soon?) and take some scan photos to show them. Perhaps when he's told them face to face you could FaceTime them as well. You need to help them to feel involved especially as you haven't seen them in so long.

Youseethethingis · 20/07/2021 08:49

FIL didn't tell DH his brother had been born until BIL was 10 months old... That was pretty shit.
My family knew I was pregnant not long after I did because my symptoms were pretty hard to hide and we are close. We hardly see DHs family and it wasn't MIL who came to babysit me when I was ill and DH was away for work, it was my own mother. It's different.
You're fine OP, don't take any guilt trips from anyone.
When will you next see the kids? I can see why you'd want to tell them face to face, reassuring hugs and chats about whats about to happen etc. That's totally understandable.
But you really don't want to do a FIL on them! So if you don't see them in the next 8 weeks max, it will have to be facetime. Any later and you run the risk of telling them the baby has been born, rather than is expected.

Whatdoyoumeantheres3 · 20/07/2021 09:59

Congratulations on your impending arrival OPSmile
I called my brother from the bathroom as I was waiting for the line to pop up (our parents have passed so it's been just us for a long long time) it was another week before I told my DP. I don't know why, I knew he would be overjoyed but I just couldn't speak the words. We didn't tell anyone else for a few weeks then my best friend guessed and she's got the world's biggest mouth so then everyone in my circle knew.
Fast forward many weeks and 2 scans and still DP hadn't told his parents or his DC from previous relationship. He broke the news to his parents at 27 weeks on Xmas day with a scan pic as a Xmas gift. He then told DC a few days later when he saw them.
I did wonder why he hadn't told his side and asked if he was ashamed but he assured he wasn't and was just enjoying the time together without questions from his parents about DC and ex (you really can't believe how interfering they try to be and unlike me DP can't just smile and say well I managed decades on the planet without your input so I'm happy I can mange a few more). Once I'd asked my question and it had been answered I didn't give his decision another thought, I didn't hide my pregnancy in any way and I have no idea whether they were offended by my DPs decision to hold off telling them or indeed whether they knew I was pregnant before he told them.
Some things are not worth worrying about and I know that sounds selfish and callous but its true. His parents, his kids, his choice. So long as you 3 are fine and happy and doing your thing then let him deal with his side and whatever fallout from them there may or may not be.
Wishing you well for the rest of the pregnancy and enjoy that precious little bundle of yours Smile

RedMarauder · 20/07/2021 10:53

Agree with a PP the comments on this board are just stupid.

It is up to your DH when to tell his side which includes his children.

Also as the children are 5 and 6 as long as he tells them when you are showing then it doesn't matter that they have been told when you are 6+ months pregnant. Children that age are just starting to understand what months mean, so it is actually easier to tell them they get a baby sibling in 3 months rather than 5 months.

I know because I was in a similar position, plus have siblings who had to tell their own children that they were getting a sibling.

newomums · 20/07/2021 14:28

Weird how territorial people get about being told when a relation is pregnant. It's almost like when your pregnant you become communal property. There's a weird dubbing war and hierarchy.

Speaking as someone that had a late loss, I wouldn't be eager to share the news because I wouldn't want my DSC to get excited and watch her heart break again. That's my family and set up on what suits our family best. That rule won't apply to all.

Re DH parents - that's really up to him. It's a choice you make as a couple and it's not for one to dictate to another how soon parents in law are told. If he doesn't want to say to them I wouldn't force it and if he wants to tell them I would support that too.

Having seen both sides of the coin, not all pregnancies have happy outcomes and you get to decide as a couple who is told as a result.

Before anyone @ me - I had to deal with SDD sobbing and spend a large percentage of time managing her OCD brought on by stress because she felt that she had cause the baby to die because she had thoughts that werent positive (aka she didn't want to share me and was worried about what a baby would mean- we are v close) she didn't have anything outside completely normal thoughts and I have told her this along with supported re counselling.

You know your family, you know best. No one has the right to dictate how or when you share the news.

Having said that it's always nice to share the news before it becomes obvious so they don't feel left out ect.

Guavafish · 20/07/2021 14:42

@Ginger1982

Can't he tell them when he's there? You could be on FaceTime?
Don’t do the above!

I think it’s best to do it together as a family. Tell the children first and then his parents. It will be exciting news. It’s up to you when you want to tell them, there is not urgency as some on the board make out. I won’t leave it very late… but as some ppl have said it’s a personal choice.

Congratulations and good luck 🍀

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 15:01

@MissingTheMissletoe

DNieces father did exactly what you and your husband have done, didn’t think it was important to tell the kids at 12 weeks and waited til the baby was almost due. They were devastated he’d not told them before then, I’ve never seen two kids look so crushed.
How old were they?

At 5 and 6 20 more weeks is loads of time. I doubt they’ll be heartbroken to find our now and it’ll still feel like ages away till the baby’s here.