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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you stop caring?

32 replies

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 21:18

I've always wanted to have a big family, so when I met my DP who had 3 children (I had one), it was great. We didn't live together for 2 years, but did activities and I loved it. I've known them for 7 years now.

DP has 2 sons (now 18.5 and 21) from ex#1 and daughter (now 14) from ex#2. Ex#2 has a 21 year old son too, so SSs stayed friends with him and obviously that meant, with ex#2, their exSM. Normally, no problem with that. She gives the impression of a very warm person, made big efforts to be friends with ex#1 (but no efforts to have any relationship with me, her daughter's SM. As much as I find her affections towards others exagerratingly nice, as much as she treats me as an empty space).

So fast forward to now, I'm seeing that the situation with ex#2 and her non live-in boyfriend of 3 years is that they are considered "family" by SSs. I hear both exes and SSs visit each other. I have seen SS video calling with her and the boyfriend on separate occasions and the word "family" came up in conversation.

As for us, both SS stopped coming to our house at around 15 years old each. My DP is the one who goes to their house every week, so they see him and are close to him. I have a good relationship with them too. Over the last years, they probably visited us a few times per year, generally when I would invite them for dinner or organise activities that they and my son (13) could like, mountain biking, hourseback riding, etc. Sort of to create the sense of family. Obviously, we also visited them in their house. I have made other little efforts with them, like cakes for their birthdays, gifts, I try to talk to them (we do have some common interests, like investing), etc.

Finally, me and DP have a 3 year old son. They apparently love him. Obviously, I don't expect a great connection (although, some older siblings do want to be involved in younger sibling's life), but I did expect SOME efforts to stay close to us. Last time the 21 year old came to our house was 8 months ago! I heard that he was asking my SD (since he goes to her house) how big is our 3 year old and does he speak by now (!). The 18 year old came to our house a whooping 3 times this year (and it's almost amazing). The pandemic actually made things easier as fun activities for young people were closed, parties forbidden, studies were online, at some point, they didn't even work. How difficult is it to visit your father's family FFS? Take your computer and study in our house if you're so busy!

I don't know if the closeness of their exSM contributed to this (because people's time is limited), but somehow I doubt that an ex who was busy organizing her personal life after separation made the same efforts to cook and to organize activities for an ex's children as I did for my partner's children.

At this point, I want to disconnect and not be bothered by them at all. How do I stop caring after making all these efforts trying to create some sense of family and knowing that who they consider family is the woman who separated from their father 7 years ago?

OP posts:

sassbott · 16/07/2021 21:28

How long was your partner with ex #2? And did they live together?

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 21:43

Their story was complicated, they lived together for 4 years when SSs were little, then they were long-distance for 2.5 years (so kids didn't see her) and then lived together another year or so before breakup. So it's not like she was in their lives for much longer than me and they only visited my DP EOW at that time. So it's not like they lived with her for a long time.

It's really a joint effort between ex#1 and ex#2 to be "friends" after the breakup. And I say "friends", because it's really the case of two nice women who connected, there's probably some calculation, but I don't care about that really.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 21:43

I think disconnecting, to an extent, would be a positive thing for you. It sounds like you are very invested in them behaving like immediate family but I can honestly say in your position it really wouldn't bother me if my DSS slipped into more of an extended family type role. I could totally respect that it would upset my DP, his dad, but it wouldn't upset me personally, if you know what I mean.

excelledyourself · 16/07/2021 21:43

You've known them 7 years, but the 21yo stopped coming at 15. So you spent limited time in his company for 1 year?

If he is the same age as the ex's son, I think that plays a big part. And if your DSD is 14 now, ex 2 and your DP must have been together a good 7+ years while the boys were early teens.

So they do have a lot of history from a time when they were younger and probably not out doing their own things like they are now, plus they are linked by the DSD. Am I right?

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 21:47

@aSofaNearYou

I do because typically teenage and young adult children who are close to their father do visit him and my sons love them (and I like them too), so it's nice to get visits from family members from time to time. Otherwise, they just call him to go to visit them when they feel like talking and visiting them means continual close contact with their clingy mother...

OP posts:

reallyworriedjobhunter · 16/07/2021 21:47

I can totally understand why you feel this way.

However they are all quite young and I would try to look at it from their point of view.

Ex2 was in their lives when they were small children and not as independent as they are now. She was there when their parents broke up and they presumably needed help to come to terms with the new set up. It's good that there is closeness there.

But I can see that for them, having 2 step mothers would be quite a lot to cope with in terms of time and emotional investment for older teens/young adults.

I think you should be proud that all the adults involved have made this a situation where the children can easily go between all the parents/step parents comfortably.

Your DH has a role to play too though - he should be making sure that you are not left out and that his kids visit their sibling. It's not all on you.

Fullofglee · 16/07/2021 21:49

Tbh you didn't live together or grow up with each other. They had one sm already who they grow up with who had a sibling and now their df has another child to a 3rd woman when they are adults its not great is it, their father doesn't seem to hold any stable relationships but continues to have mutilple children with mutilple women.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 21:51

It's nice to have visits from family, but if they aren't putting the effort in, then why not just let go a little? You have lots of people in your life to make it full!

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 21:51

@excelledyourself

You've known them 7 years, but the 21yo stopped coming at 15. So you spent limited time in his company for 1 year?

If he is the same age as the ex's son, I think that plays a big part. And if your DSD is 14 now, ex 2 and your DP must have been together a good 7+ years while the boys were early teens.

So they do have a lot of history from a time when they were younger and probably not out doing their own things like they are now, plus they are linked by the DSD. Am I right?

My timing must be off, but I spent over 2 years in limited company of my oldest SS. I saw him EOW, just like the ex SM. And with exSM, she was living in another country for 2.5 years of their relationship and at the end, I heard that things were not good between my DP and her and the sons didn't feel good in their house at that time. So of course they have history, but it's not the same type of history when the kids lived with their father 50-50 and the SM took care of them.

OP posts:

sassbott · 16/07/2021 21:54

So here’s my thoughts.

Firstly they are boys and a similar age. Bonds made when young can stick, if they had a lot in common and got on, then there was common ground for the exes to continue to facilitate that. And tbh good for them, it’s clearly been in the children’s best interests given the closeness they feel. It’s lovely that they have that I think.

In terms of your feelings, I can understand how hard it must feel to see that going on around you and not be part of it. Especially if you have tried so hard. How do you stop caring? My advice is therapy. There’s a lot going on in your post: a sense of loss over what you thought you could have. And a sense of anger/ frustration. That what you wanted is something his exes have. I imagine there is a lot of hurt, especially for your son, whom you feel is not part of this bigger family.

I have no advice. Bonds and relationships are just that. Your son and your partners sons have huge age gaps. And they are also at the age (bluntly) when younger children just don interest them.

My DC’s and my nephews have a smaller age gap. When they were younger my nephews would spend loads of time with my children. Long weekends / holidays/ etc. They’re now 18-21 and I hardly see them! A few times a year perhaps and for a few hours. They’re off living their lives and they were super close to my DC! But the age gap has kicked in and at this stage they’re not interested. I predict that when mine are young adults they will reconvene on their own grounds.

I would focus on feeling complete with the family you have. And not focus on what the exes have (or their motives).

Fullofglee · 16/07/2021 21:55

Op they are adults and have their own lives there father is must be far old to have 2 adult sons yet continuing to have children with a further two women its not hard to see why they don't feel close given the circumstances and age difference. They could have their own families.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 21:55

@aSofaNearYou

It's nice to have visits from family, but if they aren't putting the effort in, then why not just let go a little? You have lots of people in your life to make it full!

Yes, I decided that it's the best thing. My problem is that I'm feeling resentful and I'm not a good actress to pretend that I'm happy to see them if they ever decide to come, because I'm not organizing anything anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 21:56

@Fullofglee

I can not change the fact that we have a child and when my child came, they looked happy. Not everybody dislikes children.

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 16/07/2021 21:56

They witnessed one half sibling and a relationship break down and now their df has 4th with a 3rd woman it's not a great track record. They come to see their df or their df sees them rather.

sassbott · 16/07/2021 21:57

I also sense an underlying hostility towards their mother. Resolve that, the children will pick up on it as adults. And also it’s not nice for you to carry that feeling around with you. I’m not criticising by the way, I just sense a lot of anger/ sadness. Let it go, life is far too short. Enjoy your son and focus on the family you have.

Fullofglee · 16/07/2021 21:59

Your dh hasn't got a good track record though 4 children by 3 different isn't great he isn't known to maintaining stable relationships. You don't have to have a child together when their existing children inorder to maintain a relationship. They are young adults they aren't going to be focused on a 3 year old and think about having a connection.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 22:02

@sassbott

Yes, their mother interfered in our relationship as a "family member" and continues sending borderline sweet messages to my DP (such as "we love you", "I'll always be there for you", etc.). I truely believed in good relationships between exes, but I think there must be a limit. But I never mention my feelings towards their mother to them and made efforts to have a good relationship with her, but she's only interested in keeping my DP close to her.

OP posts:

sassbott · 16/07/2021 22:10

Ah ok. So this isn’t really about the kids per se. There is a bigger underlying issue here around the boundaries your partner has with his ex and the facilitation of this via the wider family situation. I.e he visits his children at his exes.

What does your partner respond to these messages? And do you believe he is acting boundaried? The ex can send whatever she wishes, the onus is on your DP to remain boundaried.

Tiredoftattler · 16/07/2021 22:32

OP, perhaps it would help if you get some counseling to help work through issues that seem to be primarily your own. It seems that everyone else in this scenario has worked out an amicable role and place for themselves in this somewhat convoluted unit. You do not describe any friction or animosity among the various parties.

It is perfectly reasonable that kids/young adults would have more of bond together than with your significantly younger son.

The place that you would prefer may not be available, but it seems that you are treated with politeness and respect.
Counseling may help you come to terms with the fact that this is the reality of the relationship that you will have with your stepchildren. These young people seemingly have a mother and a stepmother with whom they have close relationships. Those roles are taken. Your role may be that of dad's very pleasant wife.

The relationship with your younger child and his siblings may very well evolve into a stronger bond when he is older.

Be thankful for what you have, it sounds so much better than the experience that many on MN have.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 16/07/2021 22:35

@sassbott

What does your partner respond to these messages? And do you believe he is acting boundaried? The ex can send whatever she wishes, the onus is on your DP to remain boundaried.

My DP doesn't see any issue with this as this is all "positive", he responds politely, but I have seen things like "you are family too". To him, as long as it's not open flirting, there's no problem.

The sons I guess expect the parents to be close, actually recently one of the sons absolutely wanted their mother to come to our house for DP's birthday so that "she doesn't feel excluded" and that "the whole family is together". If she made a little percentage of the efforts she has made to be on good terms with ex#2, I would have no issue with this, but with her sons with her and my DP visiting them, she doesn't need it. At the end, only one son came (thanks for that at least)...

OP posts:

lompolo · 16/07/2021 22:54

Being annoyed when they finally do turn up is hardly going to encourage them! Stop trying to force closeness. They are adults who can decide for themselves who they want to socialise with or see. I think your first comment about wanting a big family is key here. You seem to have an image of what your family should look like. Ignore that and just go with the flow.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 17/07/2021 00:14

Being annoyed when they finally do turn up is hardly going to encourage them! Stop trying to force closeness.

Of course, I don't want to look annoyed, I feel annoyed lol. At this point, encouraging them is useless, they showed who is important to them and all I want is to stop caring.

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 17/07/2021 00:46

Sometimes when you join a circle the others make room for you, but as a late comer rarely do you get to choose the spot that you. Nor do you get to reconfigure the circle to suit your expectations or preferences.

It may be that they kids are excepting of you as a person, but they may think that their father has asked them to reconfigure the family too many times.
They are not excluding you personally; they may just be guarded about your role. They have both the mom and the step mom slots filled . it seems that the only slot left maybe dad's wife. That is not a negative slot ; it just may reflect the configuration of the life that dad has created for them.

Coming to terms with this is something that only you can make happen. They did not break you, and they cannot fix you. Professional counseling may be the route to learning to accept your reality.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 17/07/2021 01:06

To be honest, I wasn't aware of the type of relationship they had with exSM and even less with her non live-in boyfriend (#3 in the past 7 years). ExSM made sure that her own daughter doesn't get too close to me.

I always imagined that children follow their parents and that my role was to include them. I wish I knew this before putting my heart into all of this, then I would have been happy just as the "dad's wife". No efforts for the same result...

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 17/07/2021 01:32

OP, I think that you are minimizing what they offer and extend because it is less than you expected. It sounds as though they are polo and accepted. There are many "dads' wives" who are neither accepted nor treated politely. You are in what for many would be an enviable position.

Not all kids expect or are prepared to deal with their parents having multiple marriages or children by multiple partners. To their credit these people seem to have made it work in the best interest of the children.

Given that your younger son is going to have a spot in this convoluted circle, it is probably in his best interest for you to make some level of peace with this situation.

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