Page 2 | How do you stop caring?

Hawkins001 · 17/07/2021 01:59

@Anuta77

I've always wanted to have a big family, so when I met my DP who had 3 children (I had one), it was great. We didn't live together for 2 years, but did activities and I loved it. I've known them for 7 years now.

DP has 2 sons (now 18.5 and 21) from ex#1 and daughter (now 14) from ex#2. Ex#2 has a 21 year old son too, so SSs stayed friends with him and obviously that meant, with ex#2, their exSM. Normally, no problem with that. She gives the impression of a very warm person, made big efforts to be friends with ex#1 (but no efforts to have any relationship with me, her daughter's SM. As much as I find her affections towards others exagerratingly nice, as much as she treats me as an empty space).

So fast forward to now, I'm seeing that the situation with ex#2 and her non live-in boyfriend of 3 years is that they are considered "family" by SSs. I hear both exes and SSs visit each other. I have seen SS video calling with her and the boyfriend on separate occasions and the word "family" came up in conversation.

As for us, both SS stopped coming to our house at around 15 years old each. My DP is the one who goes to their house every week, so they see him and are close to him. I have a good relationship with them too. Over the last years, they probably visited us a few times per year, generally when I would invite them for dinner or organise activities that they and my son (13) could like, mountain biking, hourseback riding, etc. Sort of to create the sense of family. Obviously, we also visited them in their house. I have made other little efforts with them, like cakes for their birthdays, gifts, I try to talk to them (we do have some common interests, like investing), etc.

Finally, me and DP have a 3 year old son. They apparently love him. Obviously, I don't expect a great connection (although, some older siblings do want to be involved in younger sibling's life), but I did expect SOME efforts to stay close to us. Last time the 21 year old came to our house was 8 months ago! I heard that he was asking my SD (since he goes to her house) how big is our 3 year old and does he speak by now (!). The 18 year old came to our house a whooping 3 times this year (and it's almost amazing). The pandemic actually made things easier as fun activities for young people were closed, parties forbidden, studies were online, at some point, they didn't even work. How difficult is it to visit your father's family FFS? Take your computer and study in our house if you're so busy!

I don't know if the closeness of their exSM contributed to this (because people's time is limited), but somehow I doubt that an ex who was busy organizing her personal life after separation made the same efforts to cook and to organize activities for an ex's children as I did for my partner's children.

At this point, I want to disconnect and not be bothered by them at all. How do I stop caring after making all these efforts trying to create some sense of family and knowing that who they consider family is the woman who separated from their father 7 years ago?

I guess you have to try to detach any emotions you have and in general try to develop a cold personality style or at least a realisit or Machiavelli, style personality.

Anordinarymum · 17/07/2021 02:14

I think you should just get on with your own life and not concern yourself with whatever people are doing/not doing as nothing you can do or say will change this situation.
Look after your child and enjoy life.

I would kick off at the ex wife's texts though. That's just out of order. and your husband is also in the wrong for allowing it.

Maggiesfarm · 17/07/2021 03:55

It's not unusual for young people to see less of their relatives than they did as children. It doesn't mean they don't care about them and probably have happy memories but they have other priorities, living their own lives.

You'll see them from time to time. I expect they would be totally gobsmacked to realise how you feel. It may not seem to them all that long since they last saw you.

At family gatherings all will get together as if they have never been apart.

You have a small child at home, and an older one which is marvellous, it is what most married couples have and those who can't have children would envy you. Make the most of that and try not to fret over what you do not have.

The step children are still there even if you see less of them.

Ohanaa · 18/07/2021 11:38

Sometimes when you join a circle the others make room for you, but as a late comer rarely do you get to choose the spot that you. Nor do you get to reconfigure the circle to suit your expectations or preferences

This ^ you are too late in the game of step families.
Just get On and worry about your own kids.

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/07/2021 12:42

@Tiredoftattler

Sometimes when you join a circle the others make room for you, but as a late comer rarely do you get to choose the spot that you. Nor do you get to reconfigure the circle to suit your expectations or preferences.

It may be that they kids are excepting of you as a person, but they may think that their father has asked them to reconfigure the family too many times.
They are not excluding you personally; they may just be guarded about your role. They have both the mom and the step mom slots filled . it seems that the only slot left maybe dad's wife. That is not a negative slot ; it just may reflect the configuration of the life that dad has created for them.

Coming to terms with this is something that only you can make happen. They did not break you, and they cannot fix you. Professional counseling may be the route to learning to accept your reality.

Thanks Tot. This one goes in my Mumsnet Gems file

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/07/2021 12:54

How do I stop caring after making all these efforts trying to create some sense of family

I'm childless - not by choice, but by medical history. While I was facing up to this I came across the science fiction book Protector by Larry Niven. This has a species who generally suicide when the last of their bloodline die out (war etc). The few exceptions are those who find their purpose in the survival of their entire race.

This had a profound effect on me, and I did succeed in finding something that in a very small, one-person way, did something along those lines. And so, for 20 years, I was immersed in my purpose and in doing so, healed my pain.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/07/2021 01:51

Thank you all for the insight.

This had a profound effect on me, and I did succeed in finding something that in a very small, one-person way, did something along those lines. And so, for 20 years, I was immersed in my purpose and in doing so, healed my pain.

This is a great reminder that we always need this when our dreams don't work out the way we imagine. I'll try to find this book.

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