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Step-parenting

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Divorce demands

59 replies

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 10:07

Partners ex wife divorce demands.
I have posted for a while but name changed for this.
My partner and his stb-ex wife are finalising the divorce.
My partner received a document today from her solicitor that she wants him to sign.

  • It states
  1. that she is the primary carer of the children and that he may have contact with the children from 'time to time' with her permission.
  2. That when the children are in his care she is to know who they are with and where they are at all times and that he may only leave the children in the care of 'immediate' family for childcare if he needs to and that is only with her expressed permission. ( his family don't live local at all and she knows this)
  3. That he may not take the children on holiday without her expressed permission.

He is so upset. We have a holiday book for 2 weeks time and she keeps changing her mind as to whether the SC can come. I can see her saying no and then it spoils our holiday and the SC will be really upset.
Sometimes he may nip to the shop or have to grab something from work and the SC are with us, so I am looking after them, does this mean he will have to ask her permission if I am not 'immediate family'.
Currently he has 50/50 care of the SC and in reality it's more than that. He actually usually does 4/5 days/nights a week rather than a true 50/50 split.
Financially he's not so bothered that she is demanding a lot more from the divorce as it is the SC home too and he is a good man. This however has really upset him.
I have a lovely relationship with his kids and there is no reason for her to say he needs her permission for anything as he is a responsible and loving father.
I am upset, he is upset.
The kids won't know about it because he keeps (quite rightly so) their mothers demands away from the kids.
Can she really legally makes this demands without a good reason?

OP posts:
Tiredoftattler · 13/07/2021 00:34

OP, perhaps she might be less disagreeable if the divorce just involved the 2 of them. Perhaps there were not 3 of you involved in the marriage, but it seems that there are 3 of you involved in the divorce.

The marriage may not have been crowded, but the divorce definitely seems a bit crowded.

I think that if he is not yet divorced, it is bad form to be saying this is what"we want to do with the kids or this is where we want to take the kids."

She may have been far less disagreeable and acrimonious if her divorce simply involved herself and the man to whom she is still married.

There is no reason that you and your partner cannot band should not make whatever plans that you choose to make, but it seems as though you have involved the young kids more than there was a need to involve them and you have are being a party to the dissolution of a marriage in which you had no role.

A bit more sensitivity might have produced a far less acrimonious results.

timeisnotaline · 13/07/2021 00:48

She’s doing your do a favour by this ridiculous move if he sees that pandering to everything she asks for is not doing any favours including to the stability for the children and goes to court properly and gets 50/50 split, and doesn’t also hand over all the money - he would use it to save for his dc, would she?

DuchessDarty · 13/07/2021 02:02

No advice but well done on your DH being so quick at getting a solicitor's appointment and consulting and instructing with them today. Very good going when he only started ringing around for a solicitor this morning!

Just be careful that they're good, most good firms would not have availability so readily.

I'm so sorry his ex is being unreasonable. There seems to be a lot of threads and posts about unreasonable ex wives and step children in the past week, although several of them have turned out to be trolls.

MagentaSunset · 13/07/2021 02:06

@HalzTangz

Also you are his partner and that makes you part of his immediate family
I agree the demand is ridiculous and controlling and should be rejected.

However, being in a relationship with children's father does make someone their "immediate family". To assert that is bizarre.

Blacktothepink · 13/07/2021 02:44

He needs to get some really good legal advice, but the 50/50 will surely have set a precedent? If he’s done so thus far.

sassbott · 13/07/2021 08:54

Op. Well done on getting the ball rolling. And re solicitors (good solicitors ) having same day availability? Good firms will always try and ensure someone is free to take new client calls within a day. As much as existing business is important, so too are getting new clients. Obviously smaller firms have less leeway but in larger firms it is easier.

For me, the sign of a good lawyer is someone who is pushing you the mediation route vs the court route immediately. What this lawyer should be advising is that a response goes out to her ASAP suggesting mediation as a first step and the assumption is that the 2 week holiday will be going ahead with no issues.

Mediation (not court) has to be the first step. Now the lawyer will also possibly discuss an emergency application order to the family court to ensure the holiday goes ahead. There are pros and cons to this approach. Namely cost, but it can also increase conflict between parties and judges take a dim view of people showing up without mediation having been attempted.

In terms of mediation, I would also suggest that is includes the financial bucket. As I said before, there are three aspects to divorce. The child arrangements (that do not need to go near a court), the one off capital carve and spousal maintenance. Mediation can cover all of them. And again, a judge (either in the financial hearings or child related hearings) will want to see proof that mediation was attempted.

Prior to mediation, your DP should work with his lawyer to understand what he wants to achieve. His STBEW will do the same. The job of the mediator is to explain the law (and therefore whether either persons expectations are ridiculous) but also to get both parties to a middle ground of compromise.

An application to court (on either the financials or a CAO) should only progress if mediation has failed and a mediator supplies the c100.

Re the financials? The little info you have supplied re what he is prepared to pay? Sheer stupidity. Sorry but it is.
He can absolutely allow them to stay in the family home, but that should expire when the youngest is a certain age by which time he should be able to retrieve his investment from it. You don’t say if the house is owned outright however or if he has a mortgage he is paying on it. Because a decision like that will have ramifications on him being able to purchase another home (as I said depends on whether he has a mortgage on it).

Regards the savings? Well he is a parent too and he can also have the money in his name for his children. And he should have the money in his name. Once they are divorced there is zero guarantee what that money will be spent on. I have seen cases where the money has been awarded to buy a new family home and the ex spouse has ripped through the money in a matter of years (cars/ holidays / clothes/ lifestyle/ no home), causing said ex spouse to come back for more money (yes, it happens more often than people think).

Which brings me onto point 3. Clean break. I didn’t notice the age of the children but a very important provision (if he is going to be this financially generous) is that he at least gets a clean break from his ex wife. It does what is says on the tin and stops potential future claims happening in the event that there are a change of circumstances.

My advice? It’s good to stay amicable as possible on the child front and come to an agreement amicably away from the courts. Courts are expensive, conflict fuelling but worse of all can trap the children in the middle of very nasty proceedings.

Financials? Be generous if he wishes, but if he’s going to be generous, he gets his clean break as a minimum.

hunkahunka · 13/07/2021 09:58

@Tiredoftattler

OP, perhaps she might be less disagreeable if the divorce just involved the 2 of them. Perhaps there were not 3 of you involved in the marriage, but it seems that there are 3 of you involved in the divorce.

The marriage may not have been crowded, but the divorce definitely seems a bit crowded.

I think that if he is not yet divorced, it is bad form to be saying this is what"we want to do with the kids or this is where we want to take the kids."

She may have been far less disagreeable and acrimonious if her divorce simply involved herself and the man to whom she is still married.

There is no reason that you and your partner cannot band should not make whatever plans that you choose to make, but it seems as though you have involved the young kids more than there was a need to involve them and you have are being a party to the dissolution of a marriage in which you had no role.

A bit more sensitivity might have produced a far less acrimonious results.

You have got a completely twisted view of this situation. The divorce is between him and her, I am here for support to help him. He has spent years in a somewhat financially and emotionally abusive relationship and is struggling to get through this. What kind of shit partner would I be if I just said 'nope not my problem'. Are you actually a step parent giving advice as you sound incredibly bitter.
OP posts:
MeridianB · 13/07/2021 17:59

@hunkahunka

update Lots of research sought and solicitor consulted today and the plan is to go ahead with a CAO. Possible mediation first and DP will get court to stamp it and make it enforceable or just through a court. DP is willing to be as accommodating as he can for her work patter but wants a rota calendared so it's clear who has the SC when and plans can be made in and around the timings.
Great progress! What did solicitor advise on the house and savings?
Hunkahunka · 13/07/2021 21:44

@MeridianB @sassbott
He has asked the solicitor to deal with the two issues as separate matters and the solicitor agreed. DP wants to get doming laid down regarding the arrangements for the children before discussing finances etc. He hope in that case she won’t go back on what they have decided for the children in reaction to him questioning some of the financial aspects of the Divorce.

OP posts:
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