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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Divorce demands

59 replies

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 10:07

Partners ex wife divorce demands.
I have posted for a while but name changed for this.
My partner and his stb-ex wife are finalising the divorce.
My partner received a document today from her solicitor that she wants him to sign.

It states

that she is the primary carer of the children and that he may have contact with the children from 'time to time' with her permission.
That when the children are in his care she is to know who they are with and where they are at all times and that he may only leave the children in the care of 'immediate' family for childcare if he needs to and that is only with her expressed permission. ( his family don't live local at all and she knows this)
That he may not take the children on holiday without her expressed permission.

He is so upset. We have a holiday book for 2 weeks time and she keeps changing her mind as to whether the SC can come. I can see her saying no and then it spoils our holiday and the SC will be really upset.
Sometimes he may nip to the shop or have to grab something from work and the SC are with us, so I am looking after them, does this mean he will have to ask her permission if I am not 'immediate family'.
Currently he has 50/50 care of the SC and in reality it's more than that. He actually usually does 4/5 days/nights a week rather than a true 50/50 split.
Financially he's not so bothered that she is demanding a lot more from the divorce as it is the SC home too and he is a good man. This however has really upset him.
I have a lovely relationship with his kids and there is no reason for her to say he needs her permission for anything as he is a responsible and loving father.
I am upset, he is upset.
The kids won't know about it because he keeps (quite rightly so) their mothers demands away from the kids.
Can she really legally makes this demands without a good reason?

OP posts:

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 11/07/2021 15:30

Don’t sign it! She’s timed this so that he’ll sign it so she won’t say no to the holiday but if he agrees to this then he’s facing years of problems.
She can ask for what she wants but there is no way a judge will say he has to agree to it; it’s completely ridiculous

mommabear2386 · 11/07/2021 15:42

Maybe call bluff? Say SD won't come if you are saying you won't allow it? Don't ask again she might just enjoy having the power and control, take it away and she might cave?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/07/2021 15:47

Do not sign it. Take her to court for proper access. Yes, you may have to sacrifice this holiday (and I would be honest with the children why they can't go as in, it's mum's decisions and not ours) but it will save this happening every year because believe me it will with someone like that.

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 16:04

@tropicalwaterdiver

What are the reasons of their divorce? Did he leave his stbx wife for you?

Obviously she doesn't have a legal ground for such restrictive demands but if her stbx husband just seen go sunset with a new woman and left her life shuttered, I can see why she is bitter.

No he did not leave her for me!! They were separated long before we even dated let alone got together properly.

OP posts:

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 16:09

DP is going to call round solicitors and apply for a shared residency order. He can show from their shared-care calendar that he has the SC over 50% of the time and has done so consistently for a long time.
Hopefully we can fight this without it getting nasty. He loves DSC so much and it will kill him to lose what he has with him.
Truth be told she will not be able to maintain her job/ friendships/ lifestyle of DP doesn't get 50/50 as she relies on his time with the SC to work and socialise etc.

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 11/07/2021 16:56

What happened that she was happy for some time with a 50/50 arrangement, everything being amicable to suddenly wanting full residency with him having only limited visit and wanting to know every detail of their stay.

It doesn't make much sense at all, so something must have happened?

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 17:56

@vivainsomnia

It doesn't make much sense at all, so something must have happened?

Nothing has happened at all. Like I said this has come as a complete shock- she still wants us to have the kids 50% of the time but wants him to sign to say it's all at her discretion.

OP posts:

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 18:06

@vivainsomnia

It doesn't make much sense at all, so something must have happened?

I didn't say anywhere that she has applied for full residency or that she wishes to limit his contact time, just that she has sent a letter via the solicitor stating the above

OP posts:

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 18:09

she still wants us to have the kids 50% of the time but wants him to sign to say it's all at her discretion she wants all the power. It should be about what is best for the children so say they struggle with 50/50 they can both be flexible. But he has parental responsibility too so there's no need for her to call all the shots.

lunar1 · 11/07/2021 19:23

Those demands are ridiculous given that he already has 50/50. Having said that though, I would leave him to it with regards to court and solicitors. He has to make the effort here and not be afraid to rock the boat.

RedMarauder · 11/07/2021 22:28

Child arrangements and finances while confused in divorce are actually separate.

He needs to say "No" and get legal advice.

Unfortunately lots of men bury their heads in the sand, don't get legal advice due to the cost and get screwed over, which means their children suffer.

(I've sent you a PM)

sassbott · 11/07/2021 22:32

the grounds of the divorce are irrelevant. Don’t feel the need to explain yourself to posters on here who are bitter and projecting.
your partner needs to let go of any concept that this is ‘amicable’. It is not remotely amicable. Amicable people do not have their solicitors send letters like this. He also needs to accept that the holiday in 2 weeks may not go ahead. However what he needs to do is get a response in writing to her ASAP re the holiday. If she doesn’t allow it without any grounds, that’s ammunition for the courts.
If he has the children 50/50 he should not allow her to claim primary custody. He should go for joint custody
It is common for CAO to ask that a parent disclose locations etc of holidays. But it applies to both parents, not just one.
she has absolutely no grounds to make the other demands she is making. During his contact time, as a parent it is on him to decide who has access to his children.

Stop the emotional reactions and get legal advice. She’s shown her hand. At the bare minimum get to mediation to get something hammered out.

She has all the hallmarks of someone who will mess with contact and the children without a CAO.

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 22:32

@RedMarauder

Child arrangements and finances while confused in divorce are actually separate.

He needs to say "No" and get legal advice.

Unfortunately lots of men bury their heads in the sand, don't get legal advice due to the cost and get screwed over, which means their children suffer.

(I've sent you a PM)

Thanks red

OP posts:

sassbott · 11/07/2021 22:34

And yes what red has said is spot on.
There are three buckets to divorce. Child arrangements (which can be arranged privately and never need to go near a court).
Then two financial buckets. A one off capital carve and spousal maintenance (if relevant). Child maintenance payments can sometimes form part of the financial settlement but it’s rare

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 22:35

@RedMarauder

Child arrangements and finances while confused in divorce are actually separate.

He needs to say "No" and get legal advice.

Unfortunately lots of men bury their heads in the sand, don't get legal advice due to the cost and get screwed over, which means their children suffer.

(I've sent you a PM)

How do I access a pm- I'm using the app and I can't see a PM option @RedMarauder

OP posts:

Original poster

hunkahunka · 11/07/2021 22:55

@sassbott

And yes what red has said is spot on. There are three buckets to divorce. Child arrangements (which can be arranged privately and never need to go near a court). Then two financial buckets. A one off capital carve and spousal maintenance (if relevant). Child maintenance payments can sometimes form part of the financial settlement but it’s rare

Financially he will give her everything. They have equal pensions so both keeping their own, the house is almost mortgage free and she's keeping it and she's also keeping their savings 'for the DSC'. Financially she can have whatever she wants, it's getting screwed over the kids he is upset about. He thinks she wants him to sign it so she can claim child support. At the moment as it is 50/50 neither one of them pays but if he signs to say she is the primary carer and just has the children 'from time to time with her permission' she can claim that too despite us having the kids more than she does. I am just surmising here as I don't know her, but she knows DP with jump as high as she wants if she threatens or even suggests he will not see the SC. Sadly that's how it has been since I have known him and I suspect this is how will continue to be if he doesn't try to establish some boundaries now.

OP posts:

motogogo · 11/07/2021 23:06

Don't sign anything, he needs a solicitor. I'm wondering if that's from a real solicitor as any real one would no it's not legally enforceable

Magda72 · 11/07/2021 23:32

He's very foolish to 'give her everything' financially. My exdp fell into this trap & it nearly broke him.
He's entitled to half the house once the dc are adults & he has no guarantees that she will use the savings for the dc on the dc.
Exdp's ew had the house (mortgage free), maintenance & has also gone through a 6 figure sum that was supposed to assist with the dc's education. All this while refusing to work & watching exdp put in 12 hour days to keep the financial show on the road. The finances might not seem important to him now if he's struggling with access, but believe me they soon will!
As others have said your dp needs to snap out of thinking this is amicable & he needs a good solicitor ASAP.

Fireflygal · 11/07/2021 23:42

Whilst it may be a shock he should just treat it as a negotiation tactic. How long have they been separated? The status quo on child contact post split will be relevant.

He needs to just counter, agreeing to times he will see the children based on pattern already established. The point of primary carer is relevant as she may need to access benefits based on this. Does he have a problem with this? One parent usually is primary for dr, dentist etc.

Any consent on who the children are with should be mutual. As in, he will agree to the obligation if she will also tell him who the children are with and that they can only left with trusted people of both parties.
Holidays are to be agreed at least 3-6 months in advance for both parties

(Outline Easter, Christmas and summer) and holidays exceeding 2 weeks should not be booked by both parties unless consent of the other parent.

These are the usual terms and a court would make any conditions mutual on both parties so she can ask but he doesn't need to grant it.

Holidays do usually need notice and a court asks for dates to be set ahead of time.

SandyY2K · 12/07/2021 03:59

Financially he will give her everything. They have equal pensions so both keeping their own, the house is almost mortgage free and she's keeping it and she's also keeping their savings 'for the DSC'.

Wow. I can't understand why he's such a pushover. This isn't fair and because she's gotten away with unreasonable demands, she keeps pushing it.

He doesn't need her permission to see his kids. They aren't property or possessions.

When he gives her the house and all the savings... week he be able to afford a decent standard of living for his kids? To accommodate them properly? If he can, I hope he can do so without your financial contribution...otherwise you're subsidising him.

MeridianB · 12/07/2021 07:33

@Magda72

He's very foolish to 'give her everything' financially. My exdp fell into this trap & it nearly broke him. He's entitled to half the house once the dc are adults & he has no guarantees that she will use the savings for the dc on the dc. Exdp's ew had the house (mortgage free), maintenance & has also gone through a 6 figure sum that was supposed to assist with the dc's education. All this while refusing to work & watching exdp put in 12 hour days to keep the financial show on the road. The finances might not seem important to him now if he's struggling with access, but believe me they soon will! As others have said your dp needs to snap out of thinking this is amicable & he needs a good solicitor ASAP.

Totally agree with this.

Your imminent holiday is red herring. His eyes needs to be on the long game. The ex’s demands are a total joke. Not something based in reality.

If he gives her everything financially now, it won’t stop her coming back for more, even with 50/50 care. As Magda says above, there is nothing to ensure she uses savings for the DC. Unless he’s extremely wealthy he will really regret giving everything away to get her off his back. If for no other reason than he won’t be able to provide a decent home with his DC, will be forever stressed about money and have to start all over again saving for their Uni years. Plus of course a less comfortable life for himself.

I totally understand his urge to get this over with but if he doesn’t stop and do things properly now, he and his children will be paying the price in the future.

A good lawyer won’t have the emotions (and emotional blackmail) that your partner has right now, so will have better perspective to identify a fair and reasonable result.

Original poster

hunkahunka · 12/07/2021 09:47

Plan is to get a solicitors appointment booked in today to get the ball rolling with a CAO

OP posts:

Original poster

hunkahunka · 12/07/2021 20:07

update
Lots of research sought and solicitor consulted today and the plan is to go ahead with a CAO. Possible mediation first and DP will get court to stamp it and make it enforceable or just through a court.
DP is willing to be as accommodating as he can for her work patter but wants a rota calendared so it's clear who has the SC when and plans can be made in and around the timings.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 12/07/2021 20:26

OP has he talked to the solicitor about the finances as he really needs to.

He shouldn't just hand the house and children's savings over to her as PPs have pointed out.

Yesitsbess · 12/07/2021 21:04

Just aside from everything else going on here, we had a huge period of being 'Denied' contact when DSC first started living with us and then a period of reasonable calm until DP and I had been together longer than he had been with her. Blindsided both of us but it really is the only explanation for the madness that happened during that period.

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