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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I stay or should I go?

33 replies

DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 13:49

I’ve posted this in step parenting as I would like some advice, though it isn’t really about the step kids.

Basically, my partner and I both have kids (I have 1, he has 2) who get along amazingly well. We did things by the book (not introducing them until after 6 months - his didn’t even know about me until then) and they don’t spend an excessive amount of time together (about 1-2 days a fortnight and they’re with their dad 50% of the time). We’re discussing moving in together but thinking several years away, so we’re not rushing anything.

Now, the problem is that initially we both said we were undecided about having more kids, but he’s gone in the direction of not wanting one and I am now incredibly broody and desperate to have a child with him. Our last conversation ended with him saying he might change his mind, he doesn’t know and I feel like I’ve had a carrot dangled to keep me in the relationship but in my heart I know he won’t change his mind. I don’t want a baby now, as it would not be best for the kids or us (as we don’t live together etc). But I definitely want one in a few years time. I am in total limbo about what to do, as it’s essentially been left to me to decide whether I break up our relationship and the kids because I want another child.

FWIW my DS father and I split when I was pregnant and he has never been involved, so what I am struggling with is not just the thought of having no more children, but grieving the loss of ever having a child with their father present too. My partner is an amazing, kind man and dedicated father, I don’t think I will ever find someone I love like I love him (I’ve dated enough in my time and as people often say when they’re the one you know and I just do) but I’ve found myself in floods of tears lately trying to come to terms with not ever having another child and I just can’t bear the feeling.

So, what do I do? Tear apart the happy step family we’ve formed on the off-chance I find someone else I love (and that loves my son) and have a baby with them? (I would be heartbroken to leave my partner and that i’m even writing this option upsets me). Or, do I continue grieving the loss of the possibility of ever having another child and hope it doesn’t eat away at and ruin my relationship anyway?

WWYD?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2021 13:54

It’s a deal breaker with no change of compromise so if you really want another child you need to break up and find someone who shares your hopes for your future.

FortunesFave · 08/07/2021 13:54

So, what do I do? Tear apart the happy step family

Well it's not happy if you're not happy is it? It's nobody's fault...you're going to feel hearbroken either way unfortunately.

If you stay, there's a chance your feelings about having another will fade..but there's a chance they won't and resentment will grow.

I wouldn't stay. Especially if I were young enough to potentially meet someone else and have more children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2021 13:55

*chance

Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 14:01

I am definitely young enough (31) to leave and meet someone else. It’s just that after experiencing DV I’m loathe to leave the best man I’ve ever met. My DS also adores him and asks to see him often, so it would break my heart to take that away from him. I know in my heart that you’re both right that this should be a dealbreaker though and would say that to anyone else. I just feel like I’d known from day 1 I’d feel this way I wouldn’t have stayed, but 6 months ago I was ambivalent. Now, knowing the option of more children is off the table I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/07/2021 14:09

I remember being 31 and having my first DD and desperately wanting a second. I didn't have one until I was 36 but I fully understand your need.

Is he fully aware of how deep your feelings are about another child?

TooMuchPaper · 08/07/2021 14:15

I guess you are going to run the risk of never finding another partner who will match this man. Also it will be another couple of years of introducing a new man to your son, establishing a relationship etc..
It's a hard one.

Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 14:21

@FortunesFave I don’t think he is fully aware, no, as I haven’t really delivered an ultimatum. I told him I was upset over this issue (via message) and we’re going to talk this weekend (in person) and intend to tell him just how I feel.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/07/2021 14:29

Good. Stay calm if possible when you do it. I heard a tip about this sort of thing from a friend about disagreements and she said, "when you feel really passionately about something, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes before entering a discussion about it...and during the discussion, remember that too"

It's not easy...if you deliver an ultimatum, he may say "Ok I'll have a baby with you" and then backtrack later...or keep putting it off. Be very clear with him. It's not something you can compromise on.

HollowTalk · 08/07/2021 14:37

I wouldn't leave the best man I'd ever met over this. I'd give it time - your feelings may change and his feelings may change. You might find in a few years' time that the age difference would be so great that it wouldn't be a good idea. You might come to realise you'll all have a much better standard of living without a baby. I'd just stick with this guy and see what happens, tbh.

Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 14:37

Thanks @FortunesFave. My partner is the calmest person I know and he does have genuine reasons for not wanting another, so I do understand his feelings. We did manage to have a rational conversation last time, I’ll probably just cry as I can’t seem to stop crying whenever I think about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 14:38

@HollowTalk Thankyou, that is good advice. I think I just need a clearer cut decision from him than ‘maybe I’ll change my mind’ as that feels like a torturous limbo.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/07/2021 14:52

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't leave the best man I'd ever met over this. I'd give it time - your feelings may change and his feelings may change. You might find in a few years' time that the age difference would be so great that it wouldn't be a good idea. You might come to realise you'll all have a much better standard of living without a baby. I'd just stick with this guy and see what happens, tbh.
But exactly...if she gives it a few years then it will be too great...and she wants a baby...and who knows if her feelings will change?
excelledyourself · 08/07/2021 15:34

I wouldn't leave over this. You have a child. You're as sure as you can be that you've met a great guy. But absolutely no guarantees you'll meet another. If you meet another, there's no guarantee he'll want a baby. If he does, there's no guarantee that you will actually have a baby. And so it goes on.

But, I am biased. The world is a crap place and I can't imagine having the strength to navigate another child though it.

StarryNight468 · 08/07/2021 15:39

Is it your hormones talking or you?

Children decrease happiness, a baby won't bond you all together to feel like a family. You have a lovely dc already and so does he. A family of 4 is easier then a family of 5.

I don't want another baby, but sometimes my hormones do Grin there's no way I'd do it though.

Earlydancing · 08/07/2021 15:43

Do you want a baby with him? Or do you want a baby fullstop?
What happens if you tried with him but didn't get pregnant, would you leave him to try with someone else?
Is a possible baby more important than the amazing man you're with?

Stormyequine · 08/07/2021 15:56

I was in a similar situation to you a few years back. I chose to stay in the relationship and I haven't regretted it. I still sometimes wish I had two DC but I am happy with my one, and a good relationship that will hopefully continue long after DC has left home.

Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 16:39

To those asking if it’s hormones, possibly.

With regards wanting a baby vs wanting a baby with him, I think it’s the latter as I was ambivalent about having another before I met and fell in love with him.

I loved having my DS and I don’t want a baby to create a stronger relationship (we have one and I’m not worried about losing my partner as he loves me very much and I don’t ever doubt that).

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 08/07/2021 16:54

If you want a baby with him, not just a baby with anyone, then keep him and get a puppy. It might remind your hormones what it's really like having a crying newborn in the house who wakes overnight and has accidents 😂

Give it a year or two and see how you both feel then. But life has no guarantees, if you love this man and already have three children among you, I'd hang on to that reality over the slim possibility of the other happy option. (Leave him, get over the heartbreak, go back to dating, find someone decent who wants to have kids, get pg without complications, easy birth to a child with no additional needs.)

Good luck, not an easy choice.

RandomMess · 08/07/2021 17:24

In part you are fantasising that having a baby with him would be wonderful.

The reality could quite well not match that. Older half sibling very upset and jealous. Less time and money for each of them. Days out with a toddler and older primary DC is blooming hard because of the compromising that goes on.

Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 08/07/2021 20:15

@CraftyYankee 😂 no I definitely don’t want a puppy. He’s not keen on dogs and I dogsat my parents very over-energetic and large dog for a weekend and it made my mind up that I never wanted a dog and children at the same time. I do find children much easier to manage than animals to be honest.

@RandomMess you’re right that it’s a fantasy, I suppose, though I don’t think I’m totally ignorant of the complexities I just believe they would be outweighed by the positives.

OP posts:
sassbott · 08/07/2021 20:48

You have to follow your heart. None of us can tell you what is right for you.

If I met an amazing person and they told me they wanted more children, then I would have to walk away. I categorically do not want more children. I have the ones I have, they are healthy and happy and honestly? I don’t want to have the responsibility of another. Or the complications that accompany it.

I know how I feel about that. So I can only imagine how I would feel if I wanted more children. And yes, if I felt as strongly in reverse, I would end my relationship and meet someone who wanted this.

It’s a huge deal IMO. You have to figure out how much this means to you.

Tiredoftattler · 09/07/2021 11:45

OP, is it another child that you are wanting or the experience of having a child in an intact relationship? Those are 2 very different needs.

Personally, I think that there should be a mutual need and desire to create a life that serves as the motivator for having a child. I do not think that a partner should have to be convinced or cajoled into believing or agreeing to have a child. However, only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

If you have a good child and a good man, it would seem that the only thing lacking in your life was the experience of having that good child in an intact relationship. Are you willing to give up the positives in your life for the possibility of having an experience that in an of itself may not lead to any of the long lasting outcomes that you anticipate. Had your ex been excited and engaged in your pregnancy, would the relationship have ended any differently?

A pregnancy should happen to provide/fulfill more than a fantasized experience that you think that you somehow missed out on having. Are you willing to risk an existing good for something that may be no better than that which you already possess?

Original poster
DoLallyTapMum · 10/07/2021 23:31

@Tiredoftattler I do appreciate what you are saying about a fantasy, but surely anyone planning a child has a fantasy in their heads even if they already have a child with the same partner? I do think that a huge amount of my upset surrounds not ever getting to have a baby with someone, having always been on my own, but I also always wanted a lot of children and more than anything else I think it is perfectly natural to want a child with someone you love. I’m not going to force, coerce or trick my partner into having a child he doesn’t want (another child whose father doesn’t want them is the last thing I, as a lone parent, would intentionally create), but I am also not going to lie to him about my feelings and desire for another child.

OP posts:
Tiredoftattler · 10/07/2021 23:58

OP, honesty in a relationship should be an essential part of the relationship, Without honesty, the relationship itself is a fantasy.
You should do what you feel is best for you.

Living without your truth is hardly living at all. Hopefully, your truth will lead to an outcome that pleases you.

Earlydancing · 11/07/2021 00:44

I'm a bit confused. You say you only want a baby with him but he doesn't want a baby, so you're going to leave him so then you won't have a baby or him. What's the point of that?