Should I stay or should I go?

[DoLallyTapMum]

I’ve posted this in step parenting as I would like some advice, though it isn’t really about the step kids.

Basically, my partner and I both have kids (I have 1, he has 2) who get along amazingly well. We did things by the book (not introducing them until after 6 months - his didn’t even know about me until then) and they don’t spend an excessive amount of time together (about 1-2 days a fortnight and they’re with their dad 50% of the time). We’re discussing moving in together but thinking several years away, so we’re not rushing anything.

Now, the problem is that initially we both said we were undecided about having more kids, but he’s gone in the direction of not wanting one and I am now incredibly broody and desperate to have a child with him. Our last conversation ended with him saying he might change his mind, he doesn’t know and I feel like I’ve had a carrot dangled to keep me in the relationship but in my heart I know he won’t change his mind. I don’t want a baby now, as it would not be best for the kids or us (as we don’t live together etc). But I definitely want one in a few years time. I am in total limbo about what to do, as it’s essentially been left to me to decide whether I break up our relationship and the kids because I want another child.

FWIW my DS father and I split when I was pregnant and he has never been involved, so what I am struggling with is not just the thought of having no more children, but grieving the loss of ever having a child with their father present too. My partner is an amazing, kind man and dedicated father, I don’t think I will ever find someone I love like I love him (I’ve dated enough in my time and as people often say when they’re the one you know and I just do) but I’ve found myself in floods of tears lately trying to come to terms with not ever having another child and I just can’t bear the feeling.

So, what do I do? Tear apart the happy step family we’ve formed on the off-chance I find someone else I love (and that loves my son) and have a baby with them? (I would be heartbroken to leave my partner and that i’m even writing this option upsets me). Or, do I continue grieving the loss of the possibility of ever having another child and hope it doesn’t eat away at and ruin my relationship anyway?

WWYD?

@Earlydancing I suppose it is confusing. I don’t want to leave my partner but the thought of spending the next decade (my remaining fertile years) yearning for a child I can’t have, doesn’t seem like a good option either, so I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

For context, I always wanted lots of children (I’m from a big family), but when I unexpectedly got pregnant with my DS my partner turned violent as he didn’t want me to keep him. The trauma of this experience, made me unsure if I ever wanted any more children or even to date again. Several years and some counselling helped me get to a point where I was ready to meet someone and I have now met my wonderful partner. My feelings of wanting more children have returned now specifically because I want a child with him (I can’t imagine wanting anyone else’s). Perhaps these feelings will go away but right now I feel very upset by the notion of never having another child and whether it’s rational or just hormonal it’s how I feel.

@DoLallyTapMum maybe journal your thoughts for 6 months and then make a decision.

Set out what you want in your future, maybe a vision board would work for you? Really think about what you want your future to be. Or maybe do a few different outcomes until you find one that resonates with you best.

You could also journal your thoughts on grieving for the future you thought you would have when you became pregnant and the hopes you had for you and dc to have that family that you wanted. Then let it go as it didn't work out. It might be that that is what is causing you to want another baby at the expense of your relationship.

I know in my heart that I'm looking forward to my dc leaving home and it being just me and dh. We have so many different ideas of what we want when we're dependent free. Travelling, maybe moving abroad, getting a camper van and going away every weekend to surf. We're both doing OK financially, however, we're both looking forward to having more money between us instead of us being financially responsible for 3 dc. Sometimes I get pangs of wanting another baby when I see dh with my dc or dss, it makes me feel emotional that my dc won't have a dad like dh. My dc haven't experienced a loving and engaged dad. Their dad has them eow but isn't particularly interested in them and was abusive to me when we were together. My ex has never done for our dc what dh does for dss and it does make me sad that I won't have dc that experience a good, loving dad. I also get sad for myself as I never had that experience with my dad either. But I know I don't want to parent small dc again, I know that I want to not have to finance another dc until after uni, I know that I crave freedom and never want to be tied to a school run again. I also don't need to have a dc to be bonded more to dh, our only issue is his dad guilt that comes out after drama from ex. He is the love of my life and neither of us want to ruin our relationship getting bogged down with child related resentment.

If all you truely want is to be a parent with your dp then you're going to have to either split up with him (which doesn't make sense if its only because it's him that you want another) or put your wish for another to rest.

You could leave your partner and not meet anyone that wants children or perhaps you could have fertility problems.

4 older DC/teens are a lot of work, money, emotional investment etc

It's actually early days in your blended family to throw the bomb of another child in it. You would then end up with large age gaps and it really is starting all over again.

It is sad when you can't have the family you envisaged and perhaps you need to emotionally deal with that before making a decision whether to stay or go.

Thanks everyone as I really do appreciate all of this advice. I think I do have a lot of thinking to do before making a final decision. There are a lot of good reasons not to have another child and I do understand them, though I don’t really think finances are one (for us anyway, not in general) and since I’m a secondary school teacher and from a large family, I am very aware of what a house full of teenagers will be like, but I am not personally dissuaded by that, as I love having a house full of people. Anyway, Thankyou all for your advice, I will think long and hard and try to come to the right decision for me and my DS.

When you're loved up it does kick the hormones on. 🙂 It's a tricky situation. Wishing you all the best.

OP, watch the news for a few months. It might act like a bucket of cold water!

seeI have been in this situation. It wasn't a direct no from my partner but he didn't want to actively try. We didn't

I was in a similar situation. This only my point of view, but when you have a child already, you might want another one but life doesn't work out perfectly sometimes. You have a beautiful child who loves your partner and a wonderful relationship and you are prepared to throw it all away for an experience that lasts 18 months max (nice happy baby/ relationship bubble). Maybe consider that baby never sleeping, the stress it might put on your relationship etc. I know this might sound a bit harsh and I totally get your yearning, but I remind myself I am lucky to have what I have. My son has SN and sometimes I think it would lovely to go to a sports day, see them do a club, have playdates etc. I missed some fundamental 'fnatasy' elements of being a parent but I wouldn't change it.

We also think we can move on and do all the things we want to sooner, without having a child in school/ childcare fees etc.

Try to look at the positives is all I am saying. The less you say about the better and he might come round. If he doesn't love and cherish the special things in your life.