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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is this all just going to be too difficult?

48 replies

Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 13:07

I’ve been in a (same sex female) relationship for two years.
Originally we were long distance and then covid has sort of slowed us down a bit but the dc aren’t aware currently that we are in a relationship. I have 2 dc and she has 1 dc. One of my dc is ASD and her dc is also likely ASD.

We’ve talked about the future - i am in no rush to blend officially as I think it would be extremely difficult. I think we will need to live in separate houses for a long time yet and I’m not sure if living together will ever work.
She does seem to struggle a bit with my children. I wouldn’t ever say anything negative about her dc because it’s not my place to do so and I know it would cause a lot of friction but at times she has been unkind about mine.
Dc2 (5) was crying the other day over something very minor but had also been unwell and was very tired and my GF described her as ‘bratty.’ She has also made comments about my son on occasion.
I find this tricky because I know that if I were ever to say anything negative about her dc (which I wouldn’t) then it would all blow up, so it feels like I’m expected to take it but it absolutely wouldn’t be accepted the other way around. I’m aware my dc are not perfect and I usually just agree with my GF when she says anything negative about them so that the situation doesn’t blow up. And also - i know they are children like any other children. They have their good times and their less so good times. Overall though they are kind, pleasant kids.

My youngest gets on well with her dc but my older one doesn’t. He doesn’t get on with anyone much partly because of the ASD and he’s 6 years older so the gap is vast. He doesn’t want to ‘play’ with a child that much younger and I can’t really see the sense in trying to encourage him otherwise. As long as he isn’t rude or unkind I don’t expect my oldest dc to spend a lot of time with my gf’s dc really.

My gf has made comments about how if push comes to shove I’d have to choose my dc, which is true even though I love her very much. I feel there’s an element of jealousy there but I’m not sure.

Is this all just going to be too difficult? I’m not sure if we just need to accept we won’t be able to ‘blend’ and I’m ok with that, living separately, because I think better than than causing upset and friction. However I’m not sure if my GF would be ok with that.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/07/2021 13:10

I would live separately.

Teaandakitkat · 08/07/2021 13:15

So she can comment on your dc's behaviour but you can't do the same? And her comments are not very kind. Does she equally comment on good behaviour?
I wouldn't be rushing to move things on. I would watch and wait to see how things develop between her and your dc because it doesn't sound great right now.

Brakebackcyclebot · 08/07/2021 13:23

Red flags for living together waving like mad! Don't do it in the situation you describe.

Your GF:

  • struggles with your children
  • is unkind about them
  • called your DC "bratty" for crying when hurt
  • would blow up if you criticised her children
  • comments that you would choose your children "if push came to shove" (of course you would!)
  • you're not sure she'd be OK with living separately

This is a recipe for curdling, not blending.

Imagine living with these things all the time. What do you feel in your gut?

Personally, I wouldn't go there. And I'd probably be questioning whether this person was right for me.

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 13:32

She can be very kind to my dc but I think she finds it a bit overwhelming.
She’s quite introvert and having only one dc herself I think she finds the dynamic of watching two siblings very different.
I think she likes me dc but I do think she finds it hard when they command my attention. Her dc wants her attention a lot of the time and I just think - well yes, bound to.
I don’t expect to feel about her dc as I do my own, or vice versa, but I’m not jealous of her dc. I appreciate that they are the child and I am the adult and their needs come first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 13:38

In truth when she’s overwhelmed she can be very tricky.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 13:43

I find this tricky because I know that if I were ever to say anything negative about her dc (which I wouldn’t) then it would all blow up, so it feels like I’m expected to take it but it absolutely wouldn’t be accepted the other way around.

So why have you accepted it? Why didn’t you blow up the way you up know she would? You are setting poor boundaries and allowing yourself to accept behaviour that wouldn’t be accepted from you. Why?

MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 13:46

Fwiw I think far too many couples try and throw their Dc into their relationship when they never should. Just go back to dating each other. Don’t involve your children. They don’t need it. You’ve tried it and it isn’t working.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2021 13:48

I usually just agree with my GF when she says anything negative about them so that the situation doesn’t blow up

Wow. You must realise how awful this is?

Doyoulookback · 08/07/2021 14:01

Nah you are a pleaser - so your kids will suffer.

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 14:25

Yeah - I definitely don’t want my kids to suffer.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2021 14:34

But they probably already are. Spending time with someone who’s frequently critical of such young children is bad for them and bad for you.

Do you know why you’re putting up with her being so utterly horrible? You seem scared of her and walking on egg shells, appeasing her and saying things you don’t believe so she’s not even more awful and unleashes abuse on you. Are you?

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 14:53

I’m not sure. Maybe. I was previously in a marriage which had coercive control.
There’s some trauma bonding in this current relationship I think, I accept a lot more from her than she would from me.
She has said that she deliberately wants to hurt me when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 14:57

She has said that she deliberately wants to hurt me when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

Wake up, perhaps?

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 15:00

I do feel anxious when I know she’s overwhelmed. Generally she stops messaging me and won’t answer my calls and then tells me she doesn’t want to be with me and then it calms down and I’m grateful.
I know it’s not terribly healthy. I love her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 15:03

But no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 15:07

Do you understand that acknowledging the fact that no relationship is perfect isn’t the same as accepting you should stay in one where someone has told you they want to hurt you? I mean, there are other options here. You can be in a not perfect relationship where there is no threat of violence.

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 15:08

I don’t think she means physically. She means she likes to upset me if she is feeling upset.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 15:10

I don’t think she means physically

So you don’t know. You’re afraid to even ask her to explain exactly what she means by that.

You’re already in an abusive relationship. Your children deserve better. Even if you don’t think you do.

nimbuscloud · 08/07/2021 15:14

Your poor kids.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 08/07/2021 15:17

Honestly? She sounds emotionally abusive and you sound like you're willing to put up with behaviour which is not acceptable. Did you have any therapy or do the freedom programme after your marriage ended? It sounds like your boundaries might be a bit wonky still.

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 15:18

No it’s not physically.
She means she wants me to be as upset as she is. She tends to then say she doesn’t know if she loves me and thinks she was mistaken and doesn’t want to be with me. Then I’m really upset and it makes my heart race and I struggle hard.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 08/07/2021 15:20

You’re minimising. Either that or your first comment “She has said that she deliberately wants to hurt me when she’s feeling overwhelmed.” was for dramatic effect? I suspect it wasn’t.

MsPavlichenko · 08/07/2021 15:24

You are back in another controlling relationship. It’s not that she’s not perfect, she’s abusive.

1WayOrAnother2 · 08/07/2021 15:26

OP, do you think that this is similar to your previous relationship?

Painful as this is, perhaps you need to think very carefully about this relationship and about whether you are ready for any romantic relationship just yet.

The previous one might have crushed you into a strange emotional shape and it could take a while for you to 'reinflate' to your natural being.

You might need to look after yourself and your children for a while.

Original poster
Yellowruler · 08/07/2021 15:28

No that is what she said.
I can’t judge what’s normal or not. Conflict is normal but I don’t know if this is or not.
She’s had a hard couple of years so I tend to make an allowance.
She does overwhelm quickly. I’ve heard her say to her own son she wants rid of him and he can live with his dad when she’s been struggling with him.

OP posts: