Is this all just going to be too difficult?

[Yellowruler]

I’ve been in a (same sex female) relationship for two years.
Originally we were long distance and then covid has sort of slowed us down a bit but the dc aren’t aware currently that we are in a relationship. I have 2 dc and she has 1 dc. One of my dc is ASD and her dc is also likely ASD.

We’ve talked about the future - i am in no rush to blend officially as I think it would be extremely difficult. I think we will need to live in separate houses for a long time yet and I’m not sure if living together will ever work.
She does seem to struggle a bit with my children. I wouldn’t ever say anything negative about her dc because it’s not my place to do so and I know it would cause a lot of friction but at times she has been unkind about mine.
Dc2 (5) was crying the other day over something very minor but had also been unwell and was very tired and my GF described her as ‘bratty.’ She has also made comments about my son on occasion.
I find this tricky because I know that if I were ever to say anything negative about her dc (which I wouldn’t) then it would all blow up, so it feels like I’m expected to take it but it absolutely wouldn’t be accepted the other way around. I’m aware my dc are not perfect and I usually just agree with my GF when she says anything negative about them so that the situation doesn’t blow up. And also - i know they are children like any other children. They have their good times and their less so good times. Overall though they are kind, pleasant kids.

My youngest gets on well with her dc but my older one doesn’t. He doesn’t get on with anyone much partly because of the ASD and he’s 6 years older so the gap is vast. He doesn’t want to ‘play’ with a child that much younger and I can’t really see the sense in trying to encourage him otherwise. As long as he isn’t rude or unkind I don’t expect my oldest dc to spend a lot of time with my gf’s dc really.

My gf has made comments about how if push comes to shove I’d have to choose my dc, which is true even though I love her very much. I feel there’s an element of jealousy there but I’m not sure.

Is this all just going to be too difficult? I’m not sure if we just need to accept we won’t be able to ‘blend’ and I’m ok with that, living separately, because I think better than than causing upset and friction. However I’m not sure if my GF would be ok with that.

she has been unkind about mine

This is all you need to know, surely? Your poor kids.

You can't be yourself.
You can't defend your children.
She wants to hurt you.

This doesn't sound healthy (or 'normal').

I wouldn't accept my DP describing my small children as bratty.
You stand up for them, or who will?
It's not a healthy relationship.

I think the ever-present threat of "blowing up" is a real concern here.

I don't think you should try to have this person live with your children.

She does overwhelm quickly. I’ve heard her say to her own son she wants rid of him and he can live with his dad when she’s been struggling with him.

So why in the name of all that’s holy would you expose your children to her??? Look how she treats her own!

Seriously! Wake up!

You’re already in an abusive relationship. Your children deserve better. Even if you don’t think you do.

You really need to get away from her and seek counselling OP.

This isn't a healthy relationship.
She is abusive emotionally to you and her own child. This would be pretty disastrous for your kids.

OP I don’t have much experience in your scenario - but this is heart breaking to read . Please seek some counselling and protect yourself and your children

I do worry that my previous experience has skewed my perspective, sometimes I think I tolerate more than I should.
Certain things happen and my heart sinks because I know it’s going to cause her to overwhelm and disconnect from me and it really upsets me.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?You should. It can be done online as well as in person.

With kindness, OP, what you describe is absolutely not right. It’s not normal or loving. It’s horrible and abusive.

Please please get some help to break free from this latest part of a bad pattern and keep you and your children safe. 💐

I know this really, in my heart.
I just love her. She can be - 95% of the time - great. Really great.
But I’m always waiting for her to withdraw from me.

This relationship is going to turn abusive. The most worrying thing to me is not even the horrible comments she makes about your children, but the fact that you allow her to to keep the peace. You can’t even stand up to her for your own kids

I didn’t read the second page before I commented. Reading your updates she’s fucking vile and already abusing her own child. You shouldn’t have her anywhere near yours!

I agree with your earlier post. When you come out of an awful relationship it is easy to minimise 'just" shit behaviour. I've been there and swapped one load of abuse for another. Less than, but abuse all the same. I minimised it by saying 'at least he doesn't x, y z'

Dear lord OP.

I have nothing to add aside from another voice to tell you this is not healthy or normal. This is emotionally abusive and you are exposing your children to her. If she speaks that way to her own child, trust me she will be capable of saying just as bad (if not worse) to yours.

For their sake, even if you don’t have the strength to end this relationship, categorically do not blend/ move in together. The behaviour will worsen.

I don’t think it’s wise to blend household or family.

Continue dating but I’d protect your kids, keep them away

This is an abusive relationship already. It likely will only get worse.

Stop making excuses. You might love her but 95% good doesn't override the 5% bad.

The abuse will damage you and your children. You need to keep your children safe.

Yes.
The push and pull isn’t normal, I know.
Nor is the moderating my behaviour so that she doesn’t withdraw from me completely.
When Boris Johnson had covid I commented that I felt sorry for him and she hung up on me, wouldn’t message me, and we nearly split up. She is labour through and through and hates the Tories. I am a swing voter and not Boris Johnson’s biggest fan but I DID feel sorry for him. Not expect that throwaway comment to cause a massive problem. She used to threaten to just block me but hasn’t done that so much lately.

@Lookingglassunicorn

Yes. The push and pull isn’t normal, I know. Nor is the moderating my behaviour so that she doesn’t withdraw from me completely. When Boris Johnson had covid I commented that I felt sorry for him and she hung up on me, wouldn’t message me, and we nearly split up. She is labour through and through and hates the Tories. I am a swing voter and not Boris Johnson’s biggest fan but I DID feel sorry for him. Not expect that throwaway comment to cause a massive problem. She used to threaten to just block me but hasn’t done that so much lately.

Name change fail?

This sounds abusive for you and your children.

@Lookingglassunicorn

Yes. The push and pull isn’t normal, I know. Nor is the moderating my behaviour so that she doesn’t withdraw from me completely. When Boris Johnson had covid I commented that I felt sorry for him and she hung up on me, wouldn’t message me, and we nearly split up. She is labour through and through and hates the Tories. I am a swing voter and not Boris Johnson’s biggest fan but I DID feel sorry for him. Not expect that throwaway comment to cause a massive problem. She used to threaten to just block me but hasn’t done that so much lately.

Would you take her behaviour from a bloke?

The negativity towards your children.
The controlling ,explosive behaviour.
You're afraid of losing her. Not only is she not afraid of losing you, she wants to hurt and upset you by her own admission .

You went from one abusive relationship to another.

Break up, get some counselling and do the Freedom program.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

Women in abusive relationships usually love their abusers. That’s why we stay usually. An users are often “nice” most of the time. Again that’s why we stay. It’s still abuse.

You love your DC, for their sake you need to walk away as well as for your own. The longer you leave it the more damaged they , and you will be.

Gosh OP, each of your updates paints her in worsening light. I can’t see how you can have a healthy and positive relationship with some like that, she’s too messed up. Don’t subject your kids and yourself to that.