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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Need advice integrating kids with a massive age gap

39 replies

Menora · 04/07/2021 19:52

I have 2 children age 17 and 18, still live at home. I’ve been single for years when mine were small but with my boyfriend for over a year now. Boyfriend is so good with my girls and even teaching them to drive. All get along

Boyfriend has kids aged 6 and 4 who are with him 70%.

My kids are lovely and so good and patient with little ones, but don’t want to be around them all the time (as so intense!) and I don’t want to inflict small kids on them too much 😂

Plan is to live together one day, when mine have left the nest probably due to space

My DC really like boyfriend and I am doing well getting on with his DC, getting much closer and no massive issues (so far).

All kids get along, little ones adore big ones but we struggle with days out, that suit all ages and older don’t get too bored and suitable for little?

I feel like I do days out with the little ones and am leaving mine at home - it feels weird. I do invite them and give them a choice but they have their own lives and it’s hard to find something they all would like to do. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

peachmoussecake · 04/07/2021 20:08

Crazy golf is always a winner for all ages. Would your girls tolerate Disney films - if so the cinema is good. Beach?

Bellringer · 04/07/2021 21:02

Don't force it, you have two families with different needs. Make time for the older ones to do more adult stuff, they need another kind of attention. Sounds like it's going ok

Tiredoftattler · 04/07/2021 21:25

It sounds as though every thing is working well. What exactly are you trying to fix? You have a boyfriend who has kids. You are not yet a stepmother and your daughters are not step siblings. Why do these as a group need to spend anymore time together?

If your daughters are feeling the need to spend more time with you, they will probably let you know. At their ages, they probably appreciate the fact that the younger kids are a distraction for you. It probably gives them more time to focus on activities with their friends.

DuchessDarty · 04/07/2021 21:56

Have you asked your girls for their suggestions for days out that wound suit all? It may be they tell you not to worry, they’re fine with not coming along and prefer to do their own thing anyway.

You could choose something where your DC could spend some of the time with you, your DP and his DC, then peel off by themselves for an hour or 2. For example at a theme park.

I’d also make a regular date where you do something adult-ish with your DC, just the 3 of you.

sassbott · 04/07/2021 22:05

I have so many questions.

Firstly, when you say living together when yours have left, what age are you thinking? I only ask because a lot of my younger cousins ended up back at home with their parents over covid. In their twenties. Now I know that’s an extreme example, but I think it would be good for you to think that one through as I think children are staying with their parents much longer.

Secondly, it’s great that you and your BF’s DC are getting along great. Cohabiting changes the dynamic massively so keep that in mind.

Re the activities? I think @DuchessDarty gives some great advice, especially on the adult only 121 time with you and your kids.

HennyK · 04/07/2021 22:57

I really wouldn't push 'family days out' for your daughter's. They are 17 and 18. They don't need family days out catered to them at that age imo. When I was 18 I was out with friends not my mum and her boyfriend.

I would just concentrate on doing the days out as a "family" with the smaller ones and throw in the odd thing like a walk or picnic which your older ones can come to if they want and then do some things with your older girls by yourself sometimes.

Invite them when you go places by all means but I certainly wouldn't be fretting about catering a day out to an 18 year old.

Original poster

Menora · 04/07/2021 23:04

I think it’s realistic we would need a larger house, perhaps 4 bedroom in case they came back or stayed home when older but we can’t afford a house that size so staying separate.

I feel guilty sometimes that I am out having a new family without my own children sometimes, I would love to have activities for everyone but probably right, I just need to carry on doing different things with them separately

Thanks though, advice is welcomed

OP posts:

HennyK · 04/07/2021 23:07

But your children aren't children in the same sense though. Do you really think your 18 year old will mind if you went to an animal farm / Peppa pig world or whatever, without her?

It's fine to separate things. It would be fine even if they were all your own kids. The two sets of DC are at vastly different life stages.

Have time with your daughter's alone, and do a couple of easy things with them all like walks and picnics or whatever.

Original poster

Menora · 05/07/2021 07:31

They are still my children and I don’t want it to come across to them that once they grew up I just joined a new family!

OP posts:

Bellringer · 05/07/2021 07:44

But you did and it's fine, really it's ok.

NakedAttraction · 05/07/2021 07:46

Wouldn’t your older children be spending a lot of their time either on their own or with friends anyway?

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 05/07/2021 07:53

My DSS is 18, we’ve a 6 yr old and 2 year, slightly different as the 6 yr and 2 year old are half siblings…. But can offer advice in terms of the age gaps.

Days out don’t really work, if they do it’s once in a blue moon as the eldest is interest in other things, friends job etc. However what does work is zoo’s/ wildlife park or farms. The youngest dote on their older brother and it’s soemthing they can all have a bit of an interest in.

Other than that it’s the everyday things that get them close, the baby sitting 🤣🤣🤣 ( it’s so useful with the age gap)

Xbox - my 6 year old loves minecraft and roblox- the eldest used to play both so they will often play together.

Teaching them how to ride their bike / scooter….. the eldest loves being that helper…..

Honestly I think it’s the small things rather than the huge days out that will make them closr

rantymcrantface66 · 05/07/2021 08:47

Do 17 and 18 year olds really still want to come on family days out? At that age I was at work or off doing my own thing with my friends.

StarryNight468 · 05/07/2021 11:13

I think at your dcs ages it's nice to go shopping and treat them to lunch every now and again. I've started doing this with my dd (15) as she has no interest in days out with dh, ds and dss. Ds is almost 14, he's quite young for his age and plays with dss (8) so it's a bit different as he wants to come out 80% of the time.

Yesterday dh took the boys out to get their bikes fixed. I took and picked up dd from her sports class and we had a waffle and ice cream treat. Giving her that one on one time and my undivided attention is what dd wants rather then family days out. She has her friends to go out with.

I do know what you mean by feeling odd that your dc are at home and you're out with someone else's child doing child centred activities. It is an odd feeling, I just male sure my dc have one on one time and treats that are more suited to their age so they don't feel like I've abandoned them to a different family.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 05/07/2021 11:18

Bowling, Crazy golf, trampoline parks, ninja warrior, swimming.
I have children of various ages, youngest being 4 and they all enjoy all of the above.

RedMarauder · 05/07/2021 11:20

You are trying to arrange days out with both sets of children when in reality it would work better if the older ones took the younger ones out to certain events/museums without you both, their parents.

As an older child/young adult I thought it was fun to take younger children out and be responsible for them without their parents - who where my parents, my siblings or older friends.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 05/07/2021 11:25

My own dc are different ages. Youngest is 6, oldest is 32!! Teens of 19, 17, 15 and 14...all manage to enjoy family days out!!

KylieKoKo · 05/07/2021 16:04

From what I have observed siblings with large age gap actually get on better. One's who are a similar age tend to fight whereas as little ones idolise older ones and the older ones enjoy the adoration.

I think you should just chill out and let them figure out their own relationship to each other. You don't need to micro-manage this they will find a level that is natural to them.

TourdeTarte · 05/07/2021 16:15

Are your DC even bothered about family days out with mums boyfriend and his small children?

They're probably not fussed at their ages, I'd invite them but say it's up to them as it's probably not their thing.

Even if you were a biological family they probably wouldn't come of a kiddies day out, they'll want to be with their mates.

Original poster

Menora · 05/07/2021 18:44

My DC have made comments about me not taking them out but going out with a new family

For example I will stay 1 night a weekend with boyfriend and we went to a local fete.

I assume they don’t want to come, invite them regardless, they decline, then complain 😂

It’s really hard to get a balance as I have M-F free and often Sunday free to spend with mine, but they are busy or say they don’t want to do anything

I have offered lots of different things to do they usually say no, I think they like the idea more than the reality of it

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 05/07/2021 19:20

Perhaps your children do not feel the need to be so actively involved in your live life. They may be confused as to why you are actively trying to create a family when you already have a family.

Your 18 year old might have a boyfriend about whom she is quite serious and yet she would probably not expect you and your daughter to treat him as a quasi family member. She would probably expect the 2 of you to be welcoming and gracious and to treat him as her boyfriend. She would probably not expect either of you to think of him as any sort of family member.

If they resent your spending too much time with someone else's family that is somewhat understandable. You may already be thinking and acting like a stepmother of sorts, but obviously they do not seem to think of themselves as step sisters or step daughter's of any sort.

Maybe it would help to live your life in the moment being mom and girlfriend and let the other status come when and if it comes.

InvisibleDragon · 07/07/2021 09:09

My DC have made comments about me not taking them out but going out with a new family

It sounds like maybe your DC would like some activities that are designed for them specifically to enjoy.

At the moment, they have the choice between:

come along to an activity that their step-siblings enjoy but they don't
stay at home.

I think in a blended family it's good to have a mixture of activities for everyone and activities for individuals. But your teens may be feeling at the moment like they only have a choice between tagging along to an outing for kids or being left out completely.

Is it possible for you to plan something that you can do with just them - with the expectation that the little kids stay home or do something else with their dad?

Tiredoftattler · 07/07/2021 11:16

Is it possible that the daughter's do not view this as a blended family of any sort but simply as the children of their mom's boyfriend?

It seems as though they do not mind the occasional interaction with these children but neither need nor want anything more.I

It seems that the OP and her children may have different views of what constitutes family status. As long as the kids are welcoming to the children in their occasional encounters, it does not seem reasonable to think of them as step siblings when in reality that relationship does not exist.

The OP may be years away from becoming a step mother, what is the rush to have the daughters embrace a status that does not yet exist?
It almost seems as though the daughters are being asked to give up their present status as a family of 3 to embrace some not yet existent family structure. This is devaluing the OP' s relationship with her daughters and this is time in their lives that can't be recaptured.
There will be time enough in the future to be a step mom but at the moment it might be more productive to be mom to her daughters and dad's girlfriend to her boyfriend's children.

Original poster

Menora · 07/07/2021 12:10

This is not what is happening 😂

We are 2 entirely separate families but I will eventually hopefully integrate into their family one day, for lots of reasons it’s too early and lots going on, mine are not expected to embrace the small children as step siblings the gap is too large and it’s not practical.

To allow my DC to not have their space invaded by small people, I may spend 1 night a week at my boyfriends house (or no night and just visit). The small DC do occasionally visit my house, but it is usually BF comes to mine by himself. This leaves up to 5 other nights of the week and some of the weekend free, I offer activities with my DC, leaving myself free with no plans which they often don’t end up wanting to do anything and I have ‘wasted’ my own free time waiting for them to be free or wanting to do anything. I understand that it’s probably the time in their lives to hang out with me less but it can be frustrating that they make comments

Sometimes I feel like I can’t win, I make spare time for them which they don’t want, so I go do something and invite them which they also don’t want, then I go anyway and then worry they have their nose out of joint.

I do take out my DC but a holiday with all of us would not work I don’t think so I wouldn’t do it. My eldest likes the beach and younger one doesn’t so I take 1 DC leave the other at home, I do struggle for some inspiration which is why I posted! Not much has been open which doesn’t help matters

Some of the advice (not all the assumptions 😂) has been really helpful and I will try to design various things. It can be frustrating with teenagers who I sometimes know would enjoy themselves at the beach, but can’t be arsed to go/make an effort. I am making an effort and trying to find a balance, I maybe will never win but I would like to try

OP posts:

Original poster

Menora · 07/07/2021 12:13

As an aside, my DC have a half sibling (their fathers child) and cousins the same age as my BF children so they are used to children and often do child related activities with their other sibling.

OP posts:

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