Need advice integrating kids with a massive age gap

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I have 2 children age 17 and 18, still live at home. I’ve been single for years when mine were small but with my boyfriend for over a year now. Boyfriend is so good with my girls and even teaching them to drive. All get along

Boyfriend has kids aged 6 and 4 who are with him 70%.

My kids are lovely and so good and patient with little ones, but don’t want to be around them all the time (as so intense!) and I don’t want to inflict small kids on them too much 😂

Plan is to live together one day, when mine have left the nest probably due to space

My DC really like boyfriend and I am doing well getting on with his DC, getting much closer and no massive issues (so far).

All kids get along, little ones adore big ones but we struggle with days out, that suit all ages and older don’t get too bored and suitable for little?

I feel like I do days out with the little ones and am leaving mine at home - it feels weird. I do invite them and give them a choice but they have their own lives and it’s hard to find something they all would like to do. Does anyone have any advice?

What would you be doing with your children on a weekend without the younger children being in the picture? If you can identify that then there might be some intersection between what you would do with them and what you would do with the younger ones.

On a weekend:

Sat
DD18 goes to her dads 1 day
DD17 (same dad) stays home wants to lie in bedroom or does homework

Sat night
DD18 wants to watch TV
DD17 doesn’t seem to want to do anything unless forced 🙄

Sun
DD18 goes to work
DD17 is usually eventually talked into doing something, going for a walk, cooking, watching a film or joining a day out

Days off
Neither want to do the same thing. Beach or shopping - DD2 would say no

I think the reality is that they wouldn’t be doing anything with you at a weekend even if you didn’t have your partner and the younger kids. That’s life with 17 and 18 year olds

OP, is it possible that your children don't always need to be doing something? Perhaps, they don't view time spent alone with you in the house as wasted time. As you acknowledge, they are old enough to generate their own activities, but they may lust enjoy the down time alone with you.

There needn't be a balance. They probably just want to feel that you are fully present in their lives and would like to , like most of their friends, take your presence b for granted. They may resent feeling that they have to compete (not in a literal sense) for time in your life with children who are not your own.

It does not sound as though they resent your boyfriend or your spending time with him. It sounds as though they are less happy with your trying to create a quasi family when in fact you have a family of 3.

Is it possible that they get the feeling that your current family structure is not or no longer sufficient for you? It does not seem as though they are asking you not to spend time with or enjoy time with your boyfriend's kids. It seems rather that they are asking that you recognize that your current family is a family of 3?

It is by no means wrong that you have embraced your boyfriend's children as your step children. Equally , it is not unreasonable that your daughter's do not view them as their step siblings.

Enjoy the time spent with each group and stop trying to force feelings and relationships that do not yet exist. Why not ask your daughters to plan some activities that they would enjoy doing with you? You may find that it is your presence more than an activity that they miss and enjoy.

Not all teens and young adults want to be active participants in their parents' love lives and the collateral activities associated with that love life.

You are placing a lot of unnecessary stress on both yourself and your daughters. Maybe this aspect of your life can be a bit more compartmentalized.

Your daughters would probably be more engaged if you were actually living with or married to your boyfriend. They might then see them as a part of their family unit. In the interim, their us and them mentality seems understandable.

OP, I think that your statement about them engaging with their half- sibling makes my point about their concept of family. At this point, your boyfriend's children are not their family.

They are not being ugly. They may just have a very literal feeling and definition of family.

The pressure is on me, not the DD’s also you may be able to appreciate that the small children ask A LOT to see mine, so I am always navigating that - little ones don’t understand teenagers

I have no desire to push or mould or force any relationships MY time is the torn time, I still wish to spend time with my own kids, not always someone else’s.

I am not sure that I am putting across that I am forcing anything? I asked for any suggestions or advice - using the word integrating THEM is probably incorrect. I am integrating myself probably across 2 separate families

It would be time saving to get them to do things together for sure, but I can’t make that happen I accept. A Saturday could be spent spending time with everyone instead of choosing one side or the other. Sometimes feels like I don’t get enough time and rushing around. I suppose I don’t feel like I get As much quality time with my kids anymore. Perhaps that is just their age

OP, you are stressing yourself to create a balance but there need not be a balance. You are thinking of this as some kind of equivalence where there is none.

You have an obligation to spend time with your daughters but that does not require you to engage in activities. It can just be time together doing your own things within proximity of each other.

You do not have any obligation to your boyfriend's kids. Any time that you spend with them should be of your choosing and not tied to their expectations. When they ask for your daughters , you can just explain that they are busy doing big girl things.

All parents face the inevitable realization that as our kids grow older their interest in activities become less parent oriented and more friend oriented. That is both normal and healthy. Your boyfriend should also spend more time entertaining his kids on his own than he does entertaining them with you.

What you really seem to be lacking is " me time. " Time when you have no responsibility to entertain or engage with anyone. Time that you can focus on your thoughts, your interests, your person, or on absolutely nothing at all.

You have essentially reared your kids and rather than sitting back somewhat and enjoying that milestone, you are not trying to start the young child mode all over again. There is a time and a season for everything, and it seems as though you are trying to mix and restart your seasons.

You don't need to figure out activities for anyone. Your kids are old enough to tell you when and what they would like to do. Your boyfriend should be sorting out his kids activities and inviting you to participate when and if you are in a young child mood and mode. It is not your responsibility to be his kids social director.

If you do not plan some" me time " for yourself, you will have very little to offer to any of these people.

You need to clearly delineate your obligations from your elective activities and then you can better prioritize your time.

You do not seem to be doing a good job of taking care of yourself. Your daughters don't need a martyr ; they need a mother. Your boyfriend is entitled to a girlfriend , he does not need a social director or activity planner for his kids.

Stop putting so much unnecessary stress on yourself. If you pull back all of these others will be forced to step up or stagnate.

Correction: you are now trying to start

Can I just ask, why would you want to go back to parenting young children when you have almost reared your own girls? I just could not imagine starting over with someone else’s young DC. And how come their dad has them 70% of the time? Could you just see your DC and then see his every now and again?

@Annasgirl

Can I just ask, why would you want to go back to parenting young children when you have almost reared your own girls? I just could not imagine starting over with someone else’s young DC. And how come their dad has them 70% of the time? Could you just see your DC and then see his every now and again?

Honestly, this would be my feeling as well, my DS is half way to adulthood and I definitely wouldn't want to go back to smallies.

But it's really not the point and don't think your post is particularly helpful - OP sounds lovely, sounds like she wants to spend time with her BF DCs and become part of their circle and wants to make sure her own DCs don't feel like they're on the sidelines at the same time

OP, I think even the consideration you're giving to this situation means you're doing a good job. Teenage DCs don't want to spend huge amounts of time with their Mums at this age for the most part, you sound really involved in their lives and you're creating your own new path that will be fulfilling when they eventually fly the nest... from what I've read you're doing great x

@Tiredoftattler

OP, you are stressing yourself to create a balance but there need not be a balance. You are thinking of this as some kind of equivalence where there is none.

You have an obligation to spend time with your daughters but that does not require you to engage in activities. It can just be time together doing your own things within proximity of each other.

You do not have any obligation to your boyfriend's kids. Any time that you spend with them should be of your choosing and not tied to their expectations. When they ask for your daughters , you can just explain that they are busy doing big girl things.

All parents face the inevitable realization that as our kids grow older their interest in activities become less parent oriented and more friend oriented. That is both normal and healthy. Your boyfriend should also spend more time entertaining his kids on his own than he does entertaining them with you.

What you really seem to be lacking is " me time. " Time when you have no responsibility to entertain or engage with anyone. Time that you can focus on your thoughts, your interests, your person, or on absolutely nothing at all.

You have essentially reared your kids and rather than sitting back somewhat and enjoying that milestone, you are not trying to start the young child mode all over again. There is a time and a season for everything, and it seems as though you are trying to mix and restart your seasons.

You don't need to figure out activities for anyone. Your kids are old enough to tell you when and what they would like to do. Your boyfriend should be sorting out his kids activities and inviting you to participate when and if you are in a young child mood and mode. It is not your responsibility to be his kids social director.

If you do not plan some" me time " for yourself, you will have very little to offer to any of these people.

You need to clearly delineate your obligations from your elective activities and then you can better prioritize your time.

You do not seem to be doing a good job of taking care of yourself. Your daughters don't need a martyr ; they need a mother. Your boyfriend is entitled to a girlfriend , he does not need a social director or activity planner for his kids.

Stop putting so much unnecessary stress on yourself. If you pull back all of these others will be forced to step up or stagnate.

All of this ^

Really lovely post and I would take all of this advice x

With an age gap it’s always going to be hard to find things to do, my DHs eldest is 13 and I’m due in December so reckon we aren’t going to be able to find much we can all do that the 13yo will be interested in and vice versa, but you can always go out for meals etc? Don’t worry about doing things together all the time, most teenagers don’t want to spend time with parents these days 😂

I accept that I have the option not to start again! I was single for well over 10 years as a single mum and I enjoyed raising my kids. I do actually like children 😂. Had I been in a relationship in my 20’s/30’s I may have had another child but I wasn’t and then I found out when I was 35, I wasn’t able to have any more kids physically anyway.

I am only 40 - the vast majority of men I have ever met/dates around my age bracket have younger kids, or no kids. The no kids option never seemed work at all, they had no understanding or experience of children. The nicest man I met had little children. I also don’t see myself travelling the world, I like my pets, family and being at home.

He has them 70% because that is what was agreed with his ex wife, not court order or anything, when discussing time split she took 30%. It could change someday (doesn’t seem likely yet) and it does fluctuate if there are plans or days out. I don’t know if to put the days 👀 might be outing but essentially both of us have children at home all weekend most weeks. My DD2 is always home often alone and I worry it’s not actually very good for her.

I spoke to DD2 this morning and I had a suggestion for something everyone might enjoy this weekend she agreed but she doesn’t want small siblings and I won’t inflict those on her. She finds kids annoying after an hour or 2.

On this point also I have plans for 3 weekends this month that are not child related. So I am trying to have my own social life too