An AIBU

[Woodmarsh]

I've just found out OH kids are home from school because someone in their bubble tested positive. Apparently kids have tested negative as has their mother and OH. I only found out about this by overhearing the kids talking about it.

OH said everyone tested negative so it's OK. AIBU to feel hurt that I wasn't consulted on my thoughts and that his version of everyone is him, his kids and his ex? That hurts

@tiredoftattler we aren't having children together. I get the impression you haven't walked a mile in my shoes

@duchessdarty me either. Apparently he does one very Thurs before they visit

@bogoffmda

Should you have been told yes.

Then there is the problem - you were going to say they could not come, otherwise you would not be posting on here.
Thus meaning in the future are you going to say every cough and cold you get the power of veto. You then put yourself in the evil SM role

So yes you get to know.

What a predictable post from you. OP didn’t say anything about saying no so what are you basing that on? Love a SM bashing session don’t you.

@Woodmarsh
I am a parent , a spouse, step parent, and I have a respiratory problem that places me in a higher risk category in relation to the COVID. So I am not certain which of your paths that I may not have walked, but I accept that my thoughts and opinions may not be the same as yours.

I am in no way suggesting that my opinions and thoughts should be ones that you accept. I am just providing a different perspective.

It would have been nice for you to be treated like a member of the family

Tests are useless in this situation the entire point of the isolation is that you can develop symptoms at any time during the 10 days

Yabish - Thank you for your rude unnecessary comments.

And no not a step bashing session, you should read my threads. I do think she should know but then comes the dilemma that has been discussed numerous times on this forum - who gets the final veto for sick DSCs.

If the OP said No - then she falls into the evil SM category and once the power of veto has been used - does it then apply to every single viral illness with DCs - which is usually coughs and cold, viral Gastro bugs.

OP says she does not know what she would have done but I do agree that she should have been told.

Where is that SM bashing?
I am an SM to 3 teens, 2 are fab and 1 is at best indifferent. It is not all a bed of roses and the positive test result in a bubble seems to have had happened more times than I can remember over the past year. My DCs have had 2 SMS - one evil and current one lovely - I get the dynamic and how it can and can not work. I am not coming from a point of ignorance and have learned a lot from these boards.

@bogoffmda for me the below sentence was particularly unhelpful

The decision as to when his children could return (particularly once they had all tested negatively) was not an area in which you needed to have input in that decision making.

Of course I should get a say in things that affect me in my home

If this is the latest in a long line of things your DP has not included you on, I'd say he sees himself, his ex ad the DCs as a family unit (despite them splitting x number of years ago), so didn't need to include you in discussions which relate to them.

If this is a one-off, I'd be having a conversation with DP to explain that you'd expect to know about such things in future, and leave it there.

If I was you, I'd expect to have been told beforehand too, so you are not being unreasonable.

@duchessdarty me either. Apparently he does one very Thurs before they visit
@Woodmarsh this stood out for me. Am I correct in thinking that he tests himself before his dc come over to minimise the possibility of him passing anything on to them?
I think he's out of order anyway but I think he's even more out of order if my above assumption is correct.
You have every right to be consulted about stuff happening in your own home.
My parents are both passed away but my exh's & his dw's aren't. Any time my dc had a close contact or even a non close contact I informed exh & gave him the option to not take the dc if he & dw thought it best. Exh also did the same for me if the dc were with him & there was a contact issue. There's more people at risk through kids moving between houses than just immediate family, & people's abject selfishness in not realising this is one of the behaviours that has shocked me most during this pandemic.
Aside from his selfishness & that of his ex I too would see his behaviour as being indicative of who & what he sees his family unit to be.
I'm sorry to say that.
I would be furious with him over this for both reasons.

@Magda72 yes every thurs, I'm unsure why. He has now apologised for not including me in the decision making.

As you say covid has really highlighted attitudes and priorities, as has this thread!

Thank you for your post, I always find your comments insightful

I’m so glad DSS is now grown up and lives independently, his mother was obsessed with enforcing every last second of her child free weekends and would have insisted on dispatching DSS to us, even if our household was carrying bubonic plague.

YANBU, if you were not in a bubble with him that is fine, they can do as they please without consulting you but the problem is that you are in the bubble and have contact with vulnerable people.

It seems to me that everybody is interpreting the isolation rules as they see fit or convenient, but this is NOT about the rules, if you and your partner disagree on how they could be interpreted the least he should have done is to tell you about it so you had the option to stay away of him or your family until you felt comfortable to meet again.

We have had similar already, and what we have very clear is that the fact that the children of separated families could move between bubbles, doesn’t make them inmune to COVID or less likely to carry the virus than any other person.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, given some of the horrific outcomes of the pandemic, in your place, I would be grateful that everyone is well. I would not expend my energy and concern over something that proved to be a non event.

In your place, I would advise my husband about my need to be informed about anything that has the potential to impact my health ,and then I would move on with my life. In this situation hurt and anger are wasted emotions that lead to nothing positive.

From what you say, there is no evidence that anyone was trying intentionally to harm you. You husband may have felt that he would tell you if or when there was something definitive to tell you.

The everyone is ok probably means that everyone who tested was determined to be negative, it was not a statement about the everyone who is meaningful in his life.

Life brings so many serious problems to most of us, why bring self inflicted misery by looking at already resolved issues and making them more significant than they were/are?

Enjoy the good things in your life. You have a satisfactorily solved situation and you are trying to extend its shelf life as a problem. Let it go and let you husband see it as a learning experience.

This.