An AIBU

[Woodmarsh]

I've just found out OH kids are home from school because someone in their bubble tested positive. Apparently kids have tested negative as has their mother and OH. I only found out about this by overhearing the kids talking about it.

OH said everyone tested negative so it's OK. AIBU to feel hurt that I wasn't consulted on my thoughts and that his version of everyone is him, his kids and his ex? That hurts

Did your OH know prior to the children arriving?

It’s a tough one as Covid has become very polarising. Some people are still in the camp of strict self isolation for the children who have been in a bubble where a child has tested positive (including a child not moving between homes). Others are less so.

Personally my exh and I have no underlying conditions that make us vulnerable. And we can both wfh. So we would continue to move the children between homes in this event and adhere to self isolation outside of that. Would I have consulted my partner before making that decision? Probably not.

My exh and I are 60/40 contact (I am probably viewed as RP). And if it was his contact day and the children were told to self isolate, would I say the children can’t come back to me? No. I wouldn’t. Would I expect a partner to be able to have a say in refusing the children come back home? No. It’s my child’s home.

Do you have any health concerns that make you vulnerable? Or is it more a wider underlying theme of not being involved in wider decisions?

I don't have health concerns but my family do and I only found out through chance, yes he knew. He and ex discussed it between them. I appreciate the risk is low but I should be able to make or have a say in my own risk taking, it's my home too and my health and feelings matter equally, or at least they should.

I think you need to talk to your OH.

As I said it’s a tough one.

Many people are now at the stage of very much feeling like we have to live with this virus. Tens of thousands of people are packing out sports arenas (and there were no mandatory tests/ robust checks of all the spectators at Wembley as some of my friends went and they all could have faked their tests and even if they didn’t no one asked for proof of a negative test prior to entry).

As you say, you have no health concerns. They tested and were negative. What would you have had happen? Say they can’t have contact?

Are the kids in your house-I can’t tell from the OP? I would have been expected DH to tell me if they were coming round.

Well they aren't actually supposed to they are supposed to isolate in one place.

I wanted to be considered and decisions about me and my home be made by me and OH not him and his ex, I wondered how others in my situation would feel but I do understand this maybe isn't the best place for that

@howshouldibehave yes they are

OP, it is a grey area about whether children of separated parents can move between their two homes during a period of isolation, with minister Nadine Dorries saying;

“ There are a limited number of circumstances where an individual may leave self isolation, including where there is a need to fulfil a legal obligation or it becomes impracticable to remain at the original address provided for self-isolation. These circumstances may apply where there are legal arrangements governing the time a child spends with each parent. We do not offer advice on specific circumstances as each scenario is different for every family.”

(See attached screenshot).

However, of course I agree your partner should have discussed the matter with you beforehand.

I also have my kids 60/40 and while both have had to self isolate due to positive cases in their year group (of over 200 people), they have still gone between me and ex.

I don’t live with my partner and neither does my ex but I wouldn’t have refused to have them if I did.

No legal access in place here but there is no way they are not seeing one of their parents for 10 days because someone in their year who they haven’t been anywhere near us tested positive. Far more harmful than the minute chance of them having caught covid.

@Sunshineandflipflops

No legal access in place here but there is no way they are not seeing one of their parents for 10 days because someone in their year who they haven’t been anywhere near us tested positive. Far more harmful than the minute chance of them having caught covid.

Yes the advice is basically saying it is up to individual families to decide.

@Woodmarsh

Well they aren't actually supposed to they are supposed to isolate in one place.

I wanted to be considered and decisions about me and my home be made by me and OH not him and his ex, I wondered how others in my situation would feel but I do understand this maybe isn't the best place for that

Absolutely not being unreasonable! I'd want to know in advance if I was going to be in close contact with someone who is isolating too. I probably wouldn't mind, but would like the right to choose..!

Your DP should have discussed it with you.

They've never said whether the divorced parent rule applies during isolation because of school bubbles bursting. Since parents of those kids aren't required to isolate and are expected to work I think that minimizing the number of changeovers if possible is the common sense solution

Your partner is very unreasonable not to mention it before the kids arrived. I know it's unlikely that they have it but you might have wanted to adjust your plans just in case.

Wherever people stand about whether the kids should have come over regardless, your husband should absolutely have informed you so you could make your own decision as to whether to be there. YANBU.

OP, given some of the horrific outcomes of the pandemic, in your place, I would be grateful that everyone is well. I would not expend my energy and concern over something that proved to be a non event.

In your place, I would advise my husband about my need to be informed about anything that has the potential to impact my health ,and then I would move on with my life. In this situation hurt and anger are wasted emotions that lead to nothing positive.

From what you say, there is no evidence that anyone was trying intentionally to harm you. You husband may have felt that he would tell you if or when there was something definitive to tell you.

The everyone is ok probably means that everyone who tested was determined to be negative, it was not a statement about the everyone who is meaningful in his life.

Life brings so many serious problems to most of us, why bring self inflicted misery by looking at already resolved issues and making them more significant than they were/are?

Enjoy the good things in your life. You have a satisfactorily solved situation and you are trying to extend its shelf life as a problem. Let it go and let you husband see it as a learning experience.

Yes YANBU that he should have informed you - or better yet, discussed it with you - before they came. You live there, you have a right to know.

As for whether it’s unreasonable for them to have moved during isolation, I don’t think so given the official advice is unclear and the parents agreed and tested the children.

I don’t think you are unreasonable. The discussion should have been had before the kids arrived, especially if you have family who are vulnerable. Especially because if the kids passed it to you and you passed it to your family it would be horrible for you and them. Should you have a veto - probably not as it’s their home too but the right to know so you can make sure you aren’t putting others at risk - absolutely

I feel like a lot of people have missed the point; whether they should have or not isn’t what the OP is upset about.
Yes he should have talked to you about it, your his partner now and it’s your home too.

Should you have been told yes.

Then there is the problem - you were going to say they could not come, otherwise you would not be posting on here.
Thus meaning in the future are you going to say every cough and cold you get the power of veto. You then put yourself in the evil SM role

So yes you get to know.

@bogoffmda I don't know that I was, I just wanted to be included, to be treated as a partner and an equal

I don’t get why your OH tested when he’s not from the other house, where the kids started isolating?

OP, you can be a partner and an equal and that does not mean that your partner loses their autonomy and the right to make some personal decisions on their own. That is not disrespecting you or your relationship. That is simply recognizing and acting on their own right of self respect and autonomy in some decision making.

Withholding information about his children 's exposure to Covid, if they had been in your home during that time and potentially exposed you , was an inexcusable action.

The decision as to when his children could return (particularly once they had all tested negatively) was not an area in which you needed to have input in that decision making. That was a decision to be made between the parents and indirectly approved by the health and governmental agencies.

You too are free to make and should make some autonomous decisions. You do not surrender that right simply because you are married or in a relationship. If you do not recognize and develop as an independent and self-actualized person, you will never be comfortable with your partner's right sometimes to make decisions independent of you and without your input.

You share your partner's life ,but you do not own his life. You are a part of his life, but you are not the whole of his life. A partnership creates an equal place and space in a relationship but it is not the whole or entirety of anyone's life . His ex is his equal in making decisions about their shared children. You may be his confidant in reaching his decision , but the partnership as relates to decision making about the kids is a partnership that exists solely between the mother and father. Should you have children together, the partnership in making decisions about those children would exist solely between the 2 of you.

I agree that you should have been told about this . I have 2 teen SC who were not doing covid tests as required it transpires . One gets here then unwell so we have to get her covid tested . It was negative but feel the mother should be keeping on top of this . My H was bit wishy washy about it but I insisted it was important . I see he told both to take a test before they came this weekend. They often need a kick up the backsides with exes - I think they just want an easy life at times.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, you can be a partner and an equal and that does not mean that your partner loses their autonomy and the right to make some personal decisions on their own. That is not disrespecting you or your relationship. That is simply recognizing and acting on their own right of self respect and autonomy in some decision making.

Withholding information about his children 's exposure to Covid, if they had been in your home during that time and potentially exposed you , was an inexcusable action.

The decision as to when his children could return (particularly once they had all tested negatively) was not an area in which you needed to have input in that decision making. That was a decision to be made between the parents and indirectly approved by the health and governmental agencies.

You too are free to make and should make some autonomous decisions. You do not surrender that right simply because you are married or in a relationship. If you do not recognize and develop as an independent and self-actualized person, you will never be comfortable with your partner's right sometimes to make decisions independent of you and without your input.

You share your partner's life ,but you do not own his life. You are a part of his life, but you are not the whole of his life. A partnership creates an equal place and space in a relationship but it is not the whole or entirety of anyone's life . His ex is his equal in making decisions about their shared children. You may be his confidant in reaching his decision , but the partnership as relates to decision making about the kids is a partnership that exists solely between the mother and father. Should you have children together, the partnership in making decisions about those children would exist solely between the 2 of you.

What a load of tattle 🙄 She has EVERY right to be involved in this decision as it affects her directly !