Step kids rules and responsibilities.

[Cakelaur]

I have a 15yr old DSS.

What chores/responsibilities/rules would you expect him to have?

Do your kids and step kids have the same chores etc? Even if they're there a shorter amount of time?

Would you except them to carry wallet/keys/face mask? Or would you provide them a face mask as and when necessary?

Thanks

Chores similar but obviously only when there. Carrying wallet keys and facemask yes but have spares of the latter because we can all forget them

Are you asking whether it’s mum or dad’s responsibility to provide a Facemask? Keys would be up to the individual parent. Wallet would be something one parent needs to provide but a Facemask is ongoing. So many of my reusable masks have disappeared to my ex’s without a trace (they seem to come back with disposable masks). It’s very frustrating,

All kids do the same
I issue my teens with a mask and expect them to have it the same as keys etc if they need it - I replace them when they need replacing

A face mask should be available wherever they are-the RP shouldn't be expected to provide the for both homes. Jobs in the house would be proportional to the time they spend with each parent.

Teenagers have the worst memories. And their decision making part of their brain is still developing. So remembering or deciding to get organised or prepared goes out the window most of the time. Constant prompting is a pain in the bum isn't it.

Chores wise mine had to give their rooms a clear out once a week (the amount of plates and cups that used to come down 🙈). And put dirty laundry out each day. Sort their own breakfast.

I wouldn’t expect step kids to have the same amount of chores as kids that live there more as that’s not fair as if they also have chores at the other home they would have double but the same in terms of tidying up after themselves. Face masks are both parents responsibility; I always check DSD has one before we go out.

Mine are young teenagers now so are starting to take responsibility for themselves a bit.

In terms of chores my rule is that I don't pick up after them. DP has a choice between doing it himself or asking them. I have no desire to try and persuade reluctant teenagers to do chores or wait on them hand and foot so I am firm about this.

They are quite good at bringing facemasks with them but I do have a box of disposable ones which they can use if they need to. They prefer their own pretty cloth ones though.

They have keys to get back into their mums house and for here and they are old enough to move between the two independently so they need them. If they forget they we have a spare set to their mum's here but if they locked themselves out while we were both out then they would need to work out where to wait until a parent can come and let them in. They have phones so the worst that could happen would be for them to have to wait in the rain!

In terms of wallets they don't need to spend money when they are with us as we provide everything they need. But note the word need not want :-)

As we live about a 15 minute walk from their mum they can easily retrieve anything they need to.

The reason I ask, is my DSS seems to not take any responsibility for himself or this things.

DH doesn't ask anything of him, so his room is a tip, he never does chores, does as he pleases (which I don't mind) however this weekend was an utter "shit show"

We have two little ones (2&1yrs) and I'm apparently expected to clean up DSS room when he can't be bothered to the little ones don't play with his controllers etc. I've said no. He chose not to tidy it... yet again, so I've said natural consequence is that things may get broken.

Tidying his room at the end of the weekend the only thing I ask as a chore, he does nothing else.

As for the face mask and keys etc... he has a set of keys for ours but leaves it at his mums, so whenever he wants to come here I have to be in, and if he pops out at the weekend, I have to be in so he's not locked out. My argument is he's old enough to bring his keys so he can too and fro freely. The face mask for me is just lack of care. We remind him and he just says he doesn't have one. we've bought him maybe 15 of them and he "loses" them, forgets them at his mums etc. Ive now said that if he can't keep track of it, then he should buy his own with his pocket money. And considering face masks have been around for a year or so, you'd think it was second nature to carry one at all times, 🙄🙄

Clearly today... I'm the evil step mum for having all these points! 😂 was just interested to see if I was being unreasonable.

To put it into context. My DSS is great. Love him to bits... it's more my DH that needs to "parent" a little more because I've been told I'm not allowed to.

@Getawaywithit @lunar1
I don't mean who buys them. I mean at 15 is he old enough to be responsible enough to bring one.

We of course supply them. But he expects us to bring one for him if we head out.

All of the kids are expected to make up their beds and leave their laundry in the hamper to be washed. Everyone clears their plates from the table after each meal as a matter of polite behavior and not as a chore.
Every child ( because of their age) has a house key and security code and is expected to be responsible with and for the key and code.
Masks are available to everyone in the house. We view the house as the home of each child regardless of the amount of time spent there and all have the same rights and privileges. We have a cleaning person and a yard service and so then is really very little in the way of chores to be required .Each person is expected to maintain a tidy bathroom.

The only expectations are that the kids will perform well in their academic and extracurricular activities and that they are polite and well mannered. We think those things to be sufficient expectations to impose on children. They are learning responsibility by meeting those expectations and it took not more than 10 or 15 minutes to teach them to make their beds properly.

K

YANBU, and too much of this is falling to you. YOU don't have to tidy his room and YOU don't have to stay in while he pops out after forgetting his key. Just say no, those things are your partner's problem to deal with. And I agree with you about replacing masks with his own pocket money - losing is not the same thing as forgetting and he needs to learn to take care of his things, which he will if he is experiencing any natural consequences.

@Cakelaur I am confused by this particularly

he has a set of keys for ours but leaves it at his mums, so whenever he wants to come here I have to be in, and if he pops out at the weekend, I have to be in so he's not locked out.

Why do you have to be in? Why not his dad? If it's close enough for him to move freely to and fro then why can't your DSS go back to his mum's to get his keys if he forgets them?

@KylieKoKo so generally I have to be in because I'm the SAHM and DH works. And it's a train ride away. But it's more that it's not enforced that he brings them that's frustrating. No one says "he buddy... keys,wallet, mask" to him.

I know teenagers are all sorts of things 😂 but my argument is that the parents need to push for him to be more responsible. Remind him constantly. And neither do. It's just frustrating.

That sounds frustrating. I'd say you don't need to be in. He's 15 and presumably has a mobile phone. Maybe finding himself locked out and having to wait for someone to come home to let him in will help him to learn to bring his keys with him in future. I'd say that about any 15 year old, whatever their parentage.

My DS is 12. He looks after his own masks. I bought him some, and he makes sure he has one. He isn't allowed a key but that's because he did have one and his dad lost it (there's a story there but it's definitely my ex's fault that the key did not stay attached to DS's bag as it was supposed to).

As is so often the case, you have a DH problem.

Don't tidy the bedroom, don't take a mask, don't stay in when your DSS has forgotten his keys. All the time you're facilitating your husband's shit parenting no one has any reason to change

I would not be staying home in case this boy has forgotten his keys, that's an outrageous expectation.
If you aren't parent enough to have a say in whether he is made to tidy his own room then you certainly aren't parent enough to be suffering for his lack of sense and discipline.
If he's too much of a little flower to tidy up his own shit then his dad should be doing it for him, not deciding that it's work that you should be picking up.
He and his father cannot have all things all ways. Absolutely not.

@Youseethethingis is right.

Being a SAHM doesn't make you the family maid. Or the butler.

If your husband wants to allow a 15 year old to take no responsibility for himself, then he can deal with the consequences. Let him come home and let his son in again. Let him tidy the room. Let him carry extra masks just in case. It's not your job.

Apart from anything else SAHPs parent. Good parenting to a teenager is supporting them as they learn to take care of themselves. Sometimes that means letting them fail and feel the consequences. That way they can learn! Having to stand outside while the people who brought masks go in to choose something won't hurt a 15 year old. Nor will having to hang around while waiting for dad to come home and let them in. Sure it'll be boring and annoying. But that's good for them.

At 15 he should remember a mask. Keep disposable ones handy for if he forgets. Or maybe buy him a packet of disposable ones for his room. Don't let the younger kids in his room, don't let him in their room. He can tidy his own room he's 15 not 5. Same with the key, he can bring his own key or wait outside if you've gone out. Let his dad parent him, don't allow it all to be left to you.

If it's close enough for him to move freely to and fro then why can't your DSS go back to his mum's to get his keys if he forgets them? just saw this suggestion. So what if it's a train ride away, he can either go back and get the key or wait outside for someone if they are out.

Yes he should keep his space tidy.

His keys are his responsibility. If he doesn’t have them there should be consequences, like his outings being timed to work around your convenience.

There should be a ready supply of clean face masks by the door, easy to grab as anyone heads out. We decided on a bin for each person because we each prefer a different style of mask.

@Castlepeak

Yes he should keep his space tidy.

His keys are his responsibility. If he doesn’t have them there should be consequences, like his outings being timed to work around your convenience.

There should be a ready supply of clean face masks by the door, easy to grab as anyone heads out. We decided on a bin for each person because we each prefer a different style of mask.

Why should the OP (as chief housemaid) make sure there's a supply of masks for everyone though? The neutral language you're using doesn't mean that it's not making the availability of masks her responsibility.

We all have our own masks. DS looks after his own. It's his job to make sure they are washed regularly and that he has a clean one when he needs it. Because he knows it's his responsibility, he makes sure he has one.

It's like insisting that 'a supply of clean pants should be provided' as if it's unreasonable to expect a teenager to put clean ones on every day and manage his laundry so that he has clean ones available. If DS had no clean pants left and hadn't bothered to put any in the laundry, I'd be annoyed with him and let him deal with the consequences (which may be a loss of privileges because he's too lazy to make sure he has clean pants). I wouldn't decide I was at fault for not ensuring a supply of clean pants were made available to him. I do ensure that, so long as he upholds his part of the system and puts them in the laundry basket.

FishyFriday Good point. Maybe dad could provide some disposable masks or remind DSS each time if he can't remember. I'd stay well out of mask administration OP.

And if he forgets then he just has to stand outside. (Which might be what he wants anyway as then he can go on his phone)

Very good point FishyFriday.

Though I do think it can be hard for someone not in the house full time to be in charge of laundry based tasks. It is not automatically OP’s job. It’s also possible that it’s a job that might be delegated to a single household member.

You're a stay at home PARENT, not a maid for children you're not allowed to parent.