Weird comments from DSD

[dorris88]

Just looking for advice on how to react to a weird change in my relationship with DSD.

Nooo clue where its come from, myself and DSD mum get on well when we do cross paths.

DSD has started making comments to DH and I about her mum or against us its totally bizarre. Examples of these are;

"My mums a millionaire by the way, she earns loads more than you and dad combined" - (she's not a millionaire).

When I found a grey hair recently (booo)
"My mum doesn't have grey hair her hairs lovely"

"Your plants look dead outside, my mum would hate those she doesn't like plants that look dead" (they were hanging plants lol)

"My mums started running why dont you start running? she says she loves to be healthy but you just like drinking wine" LOL

"Is your bag Gucci? My mum has loads of designer bags,"

I literally respond with all of them "oh really? that's nice" - but its becoming more and more often and i cant work out why? Why is she comparing me and her Mum? I never speak about her mum EVER but at the same time when she talks to me about her mum, i don't shut it down.

Its getting to the point where I either want to laugh at the comments which i don't want to but they're just so ridiculous.

@SpongebobNoPants

My eldest SD went through a stage like this (she was 14 though so knew better) so I used to respond like this for example...

SD- “My mum is a millionaire, she earns loads more than me”
Me- “Good for her! How unusual that a millionaire lives in a small 3 bed terraced house, she must be extremely careful with her money to still be living there and driving that car”

SD- “My mum doesn’t have stretch marks, why do you have them? Her body is much nicer than yours”
Me- “Yes your mum does have a nice figure and she’s lucky she doesn’t have any stretch marks. We all have different bodies... for example I have big boobs, your mum is flat chested. Each to their own”.

SD- “Is your bag designer? My mum has lots of designer bags that are nicer than yours”
Me- “That’s nice. Good for her to be able to have so much spare cash. Did she get you those trainers she said she couldn’t afford last month?”

Every. Single. Time.

It stopped

Ugh.

@dorris88

However reading into it, Loyalty Binds that is, it does beg the question whether DSD mum was slightly bitter after the holiday hearing happy stories and has said something to trigger it. Not that i can change it but its not an unlikely conclusion.

The bit where she said her mum says she likes running and you just like drinking wine does suggest at least some of it is coming directly from her mum, unfortunately.

@00100001 they’re not unnecessary. Her mother is utterly vile to me and when it began trickling down via my eldest SD I nipped it in the bud.
SD and I have a lovely relationship / friendship, mostly because she knows I won’t tolerate crap from her and she respects me for that.
And from that respect has grown a great fondness which goes both ways.

@SpongebobNoPants I don't think you should tolerate rudeness but you are taking swipes at her mother. How can you expect her to be respectful if you are being anything but. Why not "SD I'm pretty sure at your age you know it's rude to comment on a person's appearance like that. I'm disappointed. "

How can you expect her to be respectful if you are being anything but
This was nearly 3 years ago, my reaction actually stopped it so yes, I can expect it because it worked.

I’m curious why people don’t think that rude children should be called out on their behaviour. Why shouldn’t you react and tell them that their comments are rude and hurtful? I’m not asking in a confrontational way, I’m just curious.

@Toilenstripes

I’m curious why people don’t think that rude children should be called out on their behaviour. Why shouldn’t you react and tell them that their comments are rude and hurtful? I’m not asking in a confrontational way, I’m just curious.

I agree with this but I think it's hypocritical to tell them not to be rude and then be rude back.

@Bridezillamaybe I wasn’t rude, I would say “wow that’s great!” Or “good for her, she must be very careful with her money” for example. It would always have a complement preceding, but I’d subtly point out the ridiculousness or unpleasantness of what she was saying by batting it back with logic and a smile.

It worked anyway.

SD- “Is your bag designer? My mum has lots of designer bags that are nicer than yours”
Me- “That’s nice. Good for her to be able to have so much spare cash. Did she get you those trainers she said she couldn’t afford last month?”

This just sounds so spiteful

@excelledyourself only said because her mother expected me to pay for them and convinced SD that I should too.
I obviously said no.

OP, tell her that her comments have the potential to be hurtful. You could say that they don't actually hurt you, but that's is still not kind behaviour to compare people tastes, finances, bodies or whatever.

I saw this somewhere (probably on here)

"Blowing someone's candle out won't make yours shine any brighter"

I might say that to my DSC next time, it will probably lead to a puzzled look but at least I've said something

"Blowing someone's candle out won't make yours shine any brighter"

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “Why did you say that? Was it to be kind... or?..”

@SpongebobNoPants sounds like you just jump at any chance to put down her mother 🤣🤣 chip on your shoulder?

@tony68 no, not at all!
I really liked her at first! Please feel free to read my previous threads to see why my view of her went downhill.
What on earth would I have a chip on my shoulder about?

@SpongebobNoPants

"Blowing someone's candle out won't make yours shine any brighter"

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “Why did you say that? Was it to be kind... or?..”

Or a classic "did you mean to be so rude?"

@PurpleyBlue essentially yes.
It is also dependent on age, when my SD was saying these things she was around 13/14 years old so knew it was nice.
8 year olds, although younger do know when they’re being unkind too so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pointing out the unpleasantness in a polite but firm way.

wasn’t* nice I meant

@Bridezillamaybe

@SpongebobNoPants I don't think you should tolerate rudeness but you are taking swipes at her mother.

I agree.

You can tell her to stop being rude, without bringing her mum into it, regardless of the history and how crazy her mum is.

It's just bringing yourself down to a childish level tbh. I usually see your point on many situations, but having a go at her mum was unnecessary.

Does your dh really respond with an "Oh wow!" 😂
No wonder she keeps doing it, she's getting the reaction she wants. Tell him to stop!

@GreyhoundG1rl

What would you prefer? Il pass it on

[quote dorris88]@GreyhoundG1rl

What would you prefer? Il pass it on[/quote]
It's not about me . If you think it's fine; carry on as you are 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's just bringing yourself down to a childish level tbh. I usually see your point on many situations, but having a go at her mum was unnecessary

I disagree. DSD was old enough to know her and her mum were being vile to me. At 13/14 years old she was fully aware of what she was saying.
I turn the other cheek in 99.9% of circumstances (with my SCs and their DM included) but sometimes the only thing that gets through people like that is to stand up for yourself and retaliate.

As I said, this was a few years ago and it worked regardless of whether you agree with my approach to it or not.
SD and I get along really well now.

I wouldn't reply with "that's nice", as it would give her the impression that her comments are, and they're really not.

I'd probably not get intonation back and forth around the rationale of what she is saying, given she's looking for a reaction.

Replying something like "Everyone's different/everyone does things their own way" or a variation of, accompanied by a jolly laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME should see her get bored of making these types of comments very quickly.