Weird comments from DSD

[dorris88]

Just looking for advice on how to react to a weird change in my relationship with DSD.

Nooo clue where its come from, myself and DSD mum get on well when we do cross paths.

DSD has started making comments to DH and I about her mum or against us its totally bizarre. Examples of these are;

"My mums a millionaire by the way, she earns loads more than you and dad combined" - (she's not a millionaire).

When I found a grey hair recently (booo)
"My mum doesn't have grey hair her hairs lovely"

"Your plants look dead outside, my mum would hate those she doesn't like plants that look dead" (they were hanging plants lol)

"My mums started running why dont you start running? she says she loves to be healthy but you just like drinking wine" LOL

"Is your bag Gucci? My mum has loads of designer bags,"

I literally respond with all of them "oh really? that's nice" - but its becoming more and more often and i cant work out why? Why is she comparing me and her Mum? I never speak about her mum EVER but at the same time when she talks to me about her mum, i don't shut it down.

Its getting to the point where I either want to laugh at the comments which i don't want to but they're just so ridiculous.

Haha!

Yes at 8 I think you've got the right attitude. Once it gets to 14/15 maybe start doing what @SpongebobNoPants suggests if you feel brave enough.

At that age I think it's far more akin to boasting and trying to work out their place in the world than having a dig at you iyswim. They are trying to get to grips with an adult set of values - wealth, status, beauty, fashion - that really is alien to them.

My 6yo niece does this. Her mother is a drug addict that lives a very chaotic life and has no time for her kids (my brother is a single dad.)
Every time I see her I hear how gorgeous/funny/wonderful her mum is. Much better than you Aunty Sweetpeas. I think she's just trying to puff herself up a bit and feel a bit special so I just agree with her.

Hmmm people always say to say things like "that's nice dear" on threads like this, but personally I wouldn't. She is being really rude. I wouldn't stand for that, I would tell her when she is being rude or walk away.

aSofaNearYou I sort of agree with you but I would worry that anything else would let DSC know they'd got to me so they might carry on

@PurpleyBlue

aSofaNearYou I sort of agree with you but I would worry that anything else would let DSC know they'd got to me so they might carry on

Yeah this does seem to be the main focus for most people and I get that if the child perceives a response it might make them do it more. But personally I can't stand rudeness and I couldn't encourage it by telling them what they said was "nice". I would rather say nothing at all. I wouldn't tell them the comment upset me, I would just tell them it was a rude comment to make.

A 6 year old told me her mum was pregnant. I asked if it was a boy or a girl. When the answer came "one of each" I knew if was bullshit - I might have missed that mum was pregnant but I doubt even I could have missed twins old enough to know the sex. That child wanted to show he's the same as others, your dad wants to show that mum is as good as / better than you. Don't let dsd make it a contest!

@aSofaNearYou

I hear what your saying. For me, when she says her mums a millionaire, I know she isn't. I also know money is not important to me etc. I do not take offense.

If I was really struggling for cash, and her mum really was a millionaire and she said that to me I can totally see how it would be offensive so I guess it depends on the situation.

There is a line between taking it with a pinch of salt and teaching them that making personal remarks about people isn't ok. She called her dad fat once and I had to teach her that personal comments like that aren't kind even though he laughed it off.

"My mums started running why dont you start running? she says she loves to be healthy but you just like drinking wine"

Maybe with this example it might be good to say "well that's rude" then?

"Is your bag Gucci? My mum has loads of designer bags but this sort of thing can be a "oh does she? That's nice for her". Sort of thing?

I don't know I'm still making it up as I go along!

@Bridezillamaybe

You sound like you're doing very well. My older dsds used to things like this. I would react like you or breezily say "oh very good. We are all different. Are you going to get into running yourself, maybe your mum will take you".

I sympathize though, I find it hard. My youngest DSD is doing it in a different way. If we offer her anything like to take some cake home with her she will respond that nobody in her house would eat it, they only eat very high quality cakes, if I ask her if her room is noisy she will say it's fine, she had adjusted to the noise but it took some time as her house at home is much better quality insulation, when we invite her on holiday she tells us yes but only on condition it doesn't clash with anything her mum's family booked as they tend to have a bigger budget etc etc.

I grit my teeth, smile and nod.

How old is she?

@aSofaNearYou

Hmmm people always say to say things like "that's nice dear" on threads like this, but personally I wouldn't. She is being really rude. I wouldn't stand for that, I would tell her when she is being rude or walk away.

But then she's getting the reaction.

If you just feign polite and neutral interest."mmmhmm" / "that's nice" /" we're all different and that's great"/ ," it would be boring if everyone was the same, wouldn't it" etc then they don't get the emotional reaction from you, and will stop trying to atagonise you, because you've shown that you still like them. Haven't got angry/pushed them away etc this validating their fears.

@SpongebobNoPants

My eldest SD went through a stage like this (she was 14 though so knew better) so I used to respond like this for example...

SD- “My mum is a millionaire, she earns loads more than me”
Me- “Good for her! How unusual that a millionaire lives in a small 3 bed terraced house, she must be extremely careful with her money to still be living there and driving that car”

SD- “My mum doesn’t have stretch marks, why do you have them? Her body is much nicer than yours”
Me- “Yes your mum does have a nice figure and she’s lucky she doesn’t have any stretch marks. We all have different bodies... for example I have big boobs, your mum is flat chested. Each to their own”.

SD- “Is your bag designer? My mum has lots of designer bags that are nicer than yours”
Me- “That’s nice. Good for her to be able to have so much spare cash. Did she get you those trainers she said she couldn’t afford last month?”

Every. Single. Time.

It stopped

Bit you're making digs art her mother...which isn't necessary.

You could just finish at

"That’s nice. Good for her to be able to have so much spare cash". For example.

[quote dorris88]@aSofaNearYou

I hear what your saying. For me, when she says her mums a millionaire, I know she isn't. I also know money is not important to me etc. I do not take offense.

If I was really struggling for cash, and her mum really was a millionaire and she said that to me I can totally see how it would be offensive so I guess it depends on the situation.

There is a line between taking it with a pinch of salt and teaching them that making personal remarks about people isn't ok. She called her dad fat once and I had to teach her that personal comments like that aren't kind even though he laughed it off.[/quote]
I agree with you there, there isn't much my DSS could say that would genuinely get to me, but as you've said it's about teaching them that making those kind of personal remarks is unpleasant and not ok. I think some of the examples you've listed are worse than others but certainly some of them cross the line and need reprimanding, in my opinion!

But then she's getting the reaction. If you just feign polite and neutral interest."mmmhmm" / "that's nice" /" we're all different and that's great"/ ," it would be boring if everyone was the same, wouldn't it" etc then they don't get the emotional reaction from you, and will stop trying to atagonise you, because you've shown that you still like them. Haven't got angry/pushed them away etc this validating their fears.

I know, I get the argument. But for me it's not the point. A child at school isn't going to brush it off and continue to like them if they repeat that behaviour there, they're just going to be hurt by it. That's what I'm preparing kids in my care for. I would play the "just don't make a big deal out of it or they'll repeat the behaviour on purpose" card with a toddler but by 8, if they want to get in trouble by doing it again that's on them, they're the only one losing out. If they're being rude, I will tell them so.

Sounds totally normal 8 year old behaviour, I remember this when my step kids were small. I wouldn’t take it to heart or think she’s being a little madam, she’s just being a child. Just go along with it and sound interested 🤣, maybe ask her “what colour is your mums favourite Gucci bag?” And don’t let her pick up on the fact it’s making you feel uncomfortable.

I found out recently my DN has been telling her friends I used to go out with a famous footballer - I've never even met him, although we are from the same town. Kids are weird.

We did have DSS go through this phase but a bit younger - why do you go to Asda, Asda is for poor people, mummy goes to Waitrose, why do you have an Android phone they are rubbish, my mummy has an iPhone, they are much better, my mummy's spaghetti bolognese is soooo much nicer than yours etc etc. It's annoying but it passes!

@OllyBJolly

It's probably going the other way as well.

My DCs used to tell me that DF & DSM have three bathrooms, DSM doesn't have wrinkles, DSM makes the best mushroom soup, DSM wears such lovely clothes, why don't you, mummy?

As others say, just testing boundaries. Don't react, it will stop.

Oh god, awful.

@00100001 she is 14. I've just caught up on the thread and I'm starting to think I'm handling it wrong that I should be calling her out on the rudeness. I have very occasionally said to her that she is being rude but they've been more extreme examples.

It’s called a Loyalty Bind. It’s a ‘thing’. My kids do it with their dad. The sun shines out of his behind and they don’t even need to do it as we have always been amicable, we do 50/50, and we are actually still mates!
You just ignore like you have been doing

DSD does this sometimes and she's a tween. If it's money related I point out that money doesn't buy happiness but the rest of it I just blow over (tbf she does now point out some of her mum's faults as well).

I think its connected to guilt about getting closer to you. She'll be subconsciously thinking of you as 'mum' when with you, and then feeling guilty about it.

So its her way of processing that, to try and reinforce that her mum is still her mum.

Its nothing personal to you, but its just her mind processing the family arrangement that is in place. Smile and nod is the best way to react.

I had this but with my niece about my SIL who was 20 years older and a very nasty, bitter, jealous and insecure woman who thrived on drama. So when I was in my early 20s I had to put up with this from my niece and it was coming from her mother who was now divorced from my brother and couldn't stand the fact he spent so much time with our side.

What was wanted was a reaction so she could go back and tell her Mum and create more drama as thats what former SIL wanted. It's imperative you don't react and remember she's a young child who is insecure, is being led to see it as a competition and who might (or might not) be being wound up behind the scenes ("what does your SM say about me? Is she nasty about me?" etc).

So my niece would get a big smile and a "really? How wonderful! Aww that must be lovely for her!

She must be able to buy you lots of lovely things, being a millionaire!

Do you know what, now you mention it I'm not into designer bags myself as I prefer to invest my money in other things/ would rather go on an extra holiday/retire early/give it to charity but it's wonderful that your Mum has so many beautiful bags. She might give them to you one day or let you borrow them, won't that be exciting!

Can I tell you a little secret? I think grey hair is SO cool! Lot's of women dye their hair grey now, it's quite a popular fashion choice. I might go for it myself..."

Using your examples of course, mine were
different.

My little nieces face would fall and she'd scowl whenever I put a positive spin on it because she didn't get the reaction she wanted and, in her case, could take back to her mother. Eventually she stopped as she didn't manage to make me insecure.

As a much older teenager she made a downright evil comment to me right before a very special personal event, totally designed to upset and ruin my night. I deflected it with self deprecating humour which made her genuinely laugh, she said "I can never win with you can I?" and she's not bothered since.

The key is to not give any negative reaction. If you can put a positive spin on it, "kill her with kindness", that works even better. If you can't muster it, a vague "hmmm that's nice dear" works ok too.

Genuine unkind comments like calling her Dad fat, are absolutely not on.
You can take away tech privileges etc for that.

@StormBaby thank you for that I have just read up on it.

Its totally it. It started after a holiday with all of my family where she enjoyed every minute.

Thanks for pointing it out.

I'd say it's an age thing. I remember my DD being particularly 'sassy' at that age. I generally just gave her a ''look'' and ignored it. They soon lose interest when it doesn't pique a reaction!

However reading into it, Loyalty Binds that is, it does beg the question whether DSD mum was slightly bitter after the holiday hearing happy stories and has said something to trigger it. Not that i can change it but its not an unlikely conclusion.