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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Division of chores

32 replies

MrsS247 · 08/06/2021 18:40

AIBU ??
DD 15 DS 20 and autistic
DD does the dishwasher gets £50 pcm pocket money.
DS does the bins, pick up dog poo (4 dogs) and now the lawn. Pays £150 pcm board. Doesn't work. Is at college but gets some PIP.
DD complains if any day/ lunchtime dishes are left when she gets home from school.
DS said she has it easy and the division of chores is weighted against him so he refuses to put any of his dishes in. There's also an atmosphere. DS's autism has kicked in, so he wants it resolving. DD said why should she wait on us. DH agrees with DD. I agree with DS.
DH brings his dishes home from lunch, they're done without fuss.
I don't think DD should do any more chores, but I do think she should do any dishes that are needing doing. I try to do daytime dishes if I'm free, but it's not always possible and there are never that many. Not that it should matter but we're a blended family. DS is mine biologically. DD is my DH's. So sorry for the long post but it's causing upset between us now. Please advise. Thank you

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 08/06/2021 18:53

Well, tell them to swap then.

Personally I think DD has it much easier. Mowing the lawn is heavy work, picking up dog poo is disgusting. Sorting the dish washer is pretty light.

excelledyourself · 08/06/2021 19:14

Agree with you and your DS.

But I also wouldn't be charging him £150 a month rent while he's at college.

I feel pretty sorry for him. The DD sounds quite spoiled. She's not even physically washing the dishes!

lunar1 · 08/06/2021 19:17

How much is PIP? Is it meant to be used for rent while studying?

Original poster

MrsS247 · 08/06/2021 19:23

DS lives at home and is doing a basic course at a sixth form college. I'm charging rent to try to get him used to money but I do buy him nearly everything he needs. I don't believe DD is spoilt. It's more the fact that DH doesn't see another POV. I didn't know if I was being unreasonable and siding with my biological DS. Thank you

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 08/06/2021 19:24

DD is complaining about which aspect of doing the dishwasher? Loading people’s dishes in?

Tbh I’d let everyone load their own dishes and find her a different chore. Like the laundry.

excelledyourself · 08/06/2021 19:26

How will he get used to managing money if you buy him everything he needs?

aSofaNearYou · 08/06/2021 19:56

Personally I think people should put their own dishes in the dishwasher if they cook and eat alone during the day, but your DD should pick up some extra chores likes hoovering/dusting etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 19:59

Your 20 year old son should be putting his dishes in the dishwasher, FGS. That is just a basic part of being an adult.

Maybe83 · 08/06/2021 20:03

He isn't because his ss gets paid to do it.

The weight of the chores aren't balanced at all. Especially considering he is paying board out of his PIP and she is being paid to do something very basic.

She should be given other chores as well as emptying the dishwasher and everyone puts their own stuff in it.

BusyLizzie61 · 08/06/2021 20:09

The balance is way out of kilter.

£50 to load a dishwasher and she and oh are kicking off!

£150 for a PIP student and those, quite literally, SHIT JOBS.

Pyewackect · 08/06/2021 20:26

Sorry. I wouldn't be charging my kids while they are still at college, they'll learn the realities of life soon enough. Mowing the lawn is OK, he is a grown man, but clearing up dog shit is pretty grim - that would be a NO from any of my kids.

SandyY2K · 08/06/2021 20:53

Personally I think people should put their own dishes in the dishwasher if they cook and eat alone during the day

I agree with this. Shes not a maid having to pick dishes from when she wasn't even in the house. It's a job done a daily basis when it's other people's individual 'mess'

I lived in a country where we actually had servants and we didn't leave the dishes till they came back on duty the next day.

I think some other chores like some vacuuming and cooking (once a week) ...although I'm wary about making certain jobs seem like they're only for females.

As far as the £50 pcm.... my personal view is that it should be given as pocket money and not linked to chores. Chores..whatever is decided, should be done as a member of the household, not because you're getting paid for them.

BlueDucky · 08/06/2021 22:42

The dishwasher should be loaded as you go along through the day. Shared meals she can load. DS should get £50 off his board for picking up shit.

bogoffmda · 08/06/2021 23:04

She does the dishwasher everyday and your DS leaves his dishes for her to do - that is just petty

He does bins once per week and lawns once a month max and over winter not at all. The dog poo bit is gross and deserves some credit !

But the division is reasonable but dishes left out deliberately following meals that DD not even there for - am with her on that one. After family meals - not an issue

timeisnotaline · 08/06/2021 23:12

Doing the dishwasher is almost nothing for a 15 year old! She does all the dishes and you dock £5 for whining or for not doing any dishes and if that doesn’t work she can cook her own meals. Ds is harder but he should also be doing more. Many 20 year olds live in their own and have to cook clean and do laundry every night, plus pay their rent, so they are both very spoilt.

Original poster

MrsS247 · 08/06/2021 23:33

Thank you for your input. Just to clarify, DS empties the household bins daily or 2 days. He mows the lawn twice per week, he put all bin bags out for the bin men twice per week. I'm teaching him to cook, he prepares family meals sometimes three times a week. They both do their own washing and help out with other things sometimes. He chose the outside jobs because he prefers to do things alone. DD chose dishes. To clarify the dishes, DS leaves a plate and knife if he makes a sandwich. Your responses are all gratefully received

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 08/06/2021 23:56

Mows the lawn twice A WEEK?

Granted, I don't have a garden, but that seems quite unnecessary

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2021 23:57

She chose the dishes because she assumes you’ll all load the dishwasher as you go. Which you should. He shouldn’t be leaving his knife she plate on the side, that’s so petty.

But she should do something else instead.

He’s doing a lot, mowing is shit, and he’s being charged a fair whack on top. You’re not teaching him anything by charging him rent then buying what he needs. Teach him how to budget for what he needs, that’s far more useful.

You and DH really need to get on the same page.

What chores is he doing…? What about you?

Timeforredwine · 09/06/2021 00:14

I think you have a few considerations here to take into account, 1 the age difference 2 medical circs, school age maybe outline responsibilities & give pocket money if achieved, with your son paying a small portion towards bills/board is perfectly acceptable BUT why does he need more chores plus with autism his reasoning for certain actions may not necessarily conform to the norm & his ability to see the other viewpoint no matter how bright he is may not be forthcoming.

negomi90 · 09/06/2021 00:16

Its all very gendered isn't it.
Cleaning up after yourself and not expecting others to do so is basic manners. He and everyone older than very small toddler, should put things in the dishwasher as they finish. Not being a knob to live with is a far more important life skill than mowing a lawn.
Your DSD is likely not complaining about the volume but the feeling (of being a maid with dirty things being left for her to deal with).
Everyone should be doing basic clearing up after themselves , she can continue emptying the dishwasher and pick up another chore if you and dh think she needs one.
Disclaimer my job as a teen was dishwasher only (and it wasn't run daily) and I survived and am a functioning adult without lots of childhood chores.
You and DH need to talk through division of labour as it sounds like your expectations of teen chores are different from his which is causing inequality amongst the teens. The answer may not be her doing more.

Ozanj · 09/06/2021 00:16

You need to teach him money management. That means being able to plan, set budgets, and live within his means - all of this may be very difficult depending on how severe his autism is and so you may need specialist help.

As for your DSD you can get a professional cleaner in for an hour a week for £10-15 pw in some places. Research it and use it as a stick to beat your partner with - make it clear if she doesn’t do more you want her allowance removed entirely and have that budget pay for a professional instead.

babytum · 09/06/2021 00:27

Jeez I’ll do your dishwasher for £50 a month! My 13 and 14 year old clean kitchen, wipe surfaces, hoover floors and furniture (hairy dog) daily plus walk dog daily and put away laundry and empty bin as needed for £5 pocket money a week. My young adult chips in when here but also works. No board taken as she’s in university during term time. Mine would be very envious of your SD light duties for so much money .
Seriously though I can see why your son isn’t happy, he does a whole lot more for the pleasure of paying for his bed and board. It’s a bit unfair

Castlepeak · 09/06/2021 03:14

Our rule is that dishes must be rinsed and stacked neatly as they are used. The person loading the dishwasher should never find themselves faced with a stack of dishes with dried on debris.

Frankie4me · 09/06/2021 03:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyt · 09/06/2021 04:29

I would hate to come home to other people's mess, everyone should put their plates ect in the dishwasher. DD should only be doing meal time pots, so meals as a family, every one leaving, mugs, cups and plates for her to clear up when she gets in is frankly disrespectful to her.

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