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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Difficult step child

48 replies

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 08:28

Hi, I'm looking for some advice and support as I'm started to feel slightly over whelmed with my step son and I'm on the verge of giving up.

Long story short, myself and my partner have a child each (both 3) from previous relationships. We both separated from our previous partners whilst pregnant. We've now been in each other's lives since the kids were 6 months.

My partner has taken to my child beautifully. My daughter is so loving, caring, well behaved and we've never had any issues with her.

However, his son has always been very very difficult to the point I'm in tears after having him as it's emotionally draining.

From 6 months to this day he's always been very anxious. If his dad even stands up to go to the toilet, he'll kick and scream bloody murder. He gets severe anxiety whenever his dad stands up to walk to the other side of the room and cries for about an hour. The other week his dad went for dinner and it took me 4 hours to stop his son crying in a corner.

In addition to this, he's very aggressive.. he punches, kicks, pinches, bites, pushes and everything under the sun. He's very aggressive with me and my daughter but never his dad. He's very clever and knows to do it when his dads not around.

He's also just started telling me he hates me, tells me to go away and hides under a blanket every time I talk to him. He's ignored me for weeks and not actually said a word to me. His dsd has to stop whatever he's doing to come in and tell his son to eat or whatever it is he needs to do.

I'm so fed up. His dad doesn't help matters as he gives him sympathy when he acts the way he does. Says he's just 'scared' when he tells me to go away. I'm fed up of it! It's not acceptable behaviour and I think his dad should be seriously disciplining him for treating me the way he does. I know he's 3 but he's setting his son up for treating me poorly for the rest of our lives. I no longer want to be in this relationship because I can't stand it. We have his son every full weekend and a day in the week and I dread every second of it.

I also feel his son is clever enough to only do the above whilst his dads not around or in another room. I am not sure if his dad believes me now

OP posts:

cansu · 06/06/2021 08:37

This child either has additional needs or is struggling emotionally due to the family relationships. Where is his mum in this? How often does he stay with you?

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 08:41

@cansu. Thank you for your reply! At first I felt he was struggling with additional needs but now I’m starting to feel he just hates me and wants his dad to himself. His mums in the picture and we have a very good relationship. He stays with his mum half the week and then we have him one day in the week and a full weekend fri-sun. He’s very used to being around me and I’ve been there since he was 6 months. I’ve honestly tried everything from offering affection, ignoring, disciplining but nothing works! He knows his dad will take his side and we will distance ourselves because of his behaviour and I strongly believe he thrives on it

OP posts:

cansu · 06/06/2021 09:18

Then your problem is your partner. You need a united front.

cansu · 06/06/2021 09:20

Put a baby cam video thingy in the room with you and record the poor behaviour to show him. If he still won't support you then your only options are to go out and leave him to parent his son alone or to leave and live separately.

kiddo5467 · 06/06/2021 10:42

How often do you have your DSS? And how often is your DD with you both?

My assumption is that you're the RP for your DD and being around you and your DP is the norm for her. As he's been in her life since she was 6 months old and around all the time she has accepted him as a 'father figure'

DSS on the other hand, I'm guessing visits EOW or something similar. His mum is his RP and he finds it stressful being separated from her and going to dads. So then whenever dad leaves him with someone he doesn't view as a parent figure he kicks off.

This is based on assumptions on your situation so I could be completely wrong but if not it could explain a lot.

I agree his behaviour is inappropriate and needs to change but I think understanding the root cause is key to give him the support he needs to feel comfortable. His behaviour then many change

kiddo5467 · 06/06/2021 10:43

Sorry after I posted that I seen your update!!

Ozanj · 06/06/2021 10:53

At 3 a lot of kids go through a phase where they just want Mum (which might be why he’s scared and clinging to Dad). If this behaviour doesn’t happen with her then he’s probably just too young to have overnights without her; and your DH could switch to more regular days to make things easier for him.

But in no way is it healthy for a scared anxious child to be without his parent for so long. If your DH wants to keep the existing arrangements then he simply has to be around more to be with him. That means no going out when his son is there. He needs to reserve that for other days.

Ozanj · 06/06/2021 10:55

Not saying you are doing this, but I also want to point out that as your dd isn’t his child you shouldn’t be encouraging a parental bond at the expense of his bond with his son. His son needs to get priority for access with him over the weekends he is there; so might mean you and your dd do family stuff as a twosome to allow them to do their own thing.

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 10:57

@kiddo5467. It’s a completely normal assumption but we do have him more than his mum most weeks. My and my daughters dad take each week in turns so I spend an equal amount of time on weekends with both the kids together and just 1-1. It’s such a hard situation but I don’t feel that he’s struggling with missing his mum. Even this morning he spat in my face for helping him put his pants on and then growled at me any time I went near him. I tried play fighting, cuddling but he wasn’t having any of it so I ignored him and I’ve decided to spend the day alone

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 11:00

If you want to split up then do. You’re ascribing a lot of malice and motivation to a toddler’s behaviour.

Given how unsettled he is and how he’s been ignoring you his dad needs to do all of his care and shouldn’t be going out leaving you to sort bedtime.

But if you’re unhappy then just end it and one of you leaves.

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:00

@Ozanj thank you for your advice! But we to take it in turns. We have his son more than his mum has him. We have him about 3/4 nights a week so he has plenty of time alone with his dad but also as a family. As we have him so often his dad can’t prioritise going out on other nights as we have him most so he’s got no choice. It’s very rare he does go out (once every couple months) but it’s even if he goes to the toilet. As I said in comments, I do feel it’s put on and I don’t think it’s an anxiety issue. I think he’s just very aggressive and wants to have his dad to himself. As horrible as I sound! Please don’t judge me

OP posts:

kiddo5467 · 06/06/2021 11:09

@Ivy19 it sounds like such a tough situation but you actually sound like you're making a lot of effort.

You say you have a good relationship with his mum. How is his behaviour with her? Does she have a DP?

It also sounds like when DSD acts like this he gets sympathy and positive attention from his dad. This could be a big part of the issue!! Why would he stop acting up if it's working for him and getting him the reaction he wants?

SpindleWhorl · 06/06/2021 11:09

So split up already 🙍

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 06/06/2021 11:13

I agree with trying to film him to prove his behaviour. But saying that it shouldn’t have to get that far. I don’t think this relationship will work. It must be having a horrible effect on your dd

Youseethethingis · 06/06/2021 11:14

Your having a very hard time, we can all see that.
However, you really need to be careful of this narrative of your sainted, perfect daughter versus his manipulative, aggressive son. They are three years old!
This childs behaviour says to me that he's having trouble with alot of big emotions. If you think that "serious punishment" is what he needs I think you are dreaming.
What is is dad doing to try to understand the child's behaviour? Anything?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 11:16

What is is dad doing to try to understand the child's behaviour? Anything?

Going out for a night off leaving a distressed toddler with an annoyed OP. Not amazing.

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:16

@AnneLovesGilbert I definitely don’t intend to ascribe malice and motivation to his behaviour but I have done everything for this child. Devoted all my time and affection to make him happy. I’ve given him so much love as If he was my own. But everything I’ve explained is factual. I’m not making it out to be anything it’s not

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:18

@Youseethethingis. I definitely didn’t intend to make my daughter out to be perfect. She’s far from it as no children are. I meant that we’ve had no issues with her as in aggression, being horrible to her stepdad/my partner. Whereas his son is a very different story. I love him as my own I really do. But I’ve exhausted every effort. I’ve tried so hard but nothing works. He’s aggressive with his mum but not to the same extent. It seems to be with women rather than men. His dad just gives him affection and cuddles when he acts the way he does

OP posts:

Embracelife · 06/06/2021 11:19

Get advice from a child psychologist
Talk to hv his dad needs to

He is three
He is a tiny child

Behaviour is communication

It sounds like you described a teenager "he spat in my face" ..really?

Does he go to nursery?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 11:20

The motivation behind his behaviour isn’t a fact. It’s your assumption. At 3 he won’t possibly have the language to explain how he’s feeling, what he’s scared of, what he needs.

I totally get why you’re fed up, it sounds tiring and stressful, the energy you’re putting into him is taking you away from your DD. But you don’t sound concerned at how distressed he is, you sound angry and resentful. If it was your DD who was so unsettled and miserable would you want her severely punished or nurtured and listened to?

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:23

@kiddo5467 yes a very good relationship with his mother as she also struggles with him. He’s very aggressive with her too but not as bad as he is with me. It’s always women. He has never and would never hit or push another boy/man

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:26

@Embracelife he did go to nursery but had to leave due to his aggressive behaviour. He is now with a child minder who can devote more time to him which is definitely what suits him most

But unfortunately yes, spitting in my face is a very regular occurrence

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:28

@AnneLovesGilbert. Of course I was concerned about his behaviour . Hence why I’ve devoted so much time into making him feel secure, settled and loved. But after 2 years it gets to a stage where it’s frustrating. His father isn’t doing anything to help the matter. My frustration doesn’t lie with my stepson but with the situation. It’s not only affecting me but my daughter and my work life. When I say discipline I mean his dad sitting down and telling him it’s not okay to hit, spit and push etc. I don’t mean shouting. I feel that if he disciplined him when he was naughty it would stop the behaviour. But instead his father hugs him and tells him it’s okay but this only seems to feed the actions

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 06/06/2021 11:29

Get advice from a child psychologist
Talk to hv his dad needs to

I agree. I was wondering also how he is with his mum and with your update I think you all need professional help to get to the root of this behaviour.

If you're not getting through to your dp can you speak to the mum about his behaviour?

TaraR2020 · 06/06/2021 11:29

P.s. how is your step son with your daughter?

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