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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Difficult step child

48 replies

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 08:28

Hi, I'm looking for some advice and support as I'm started to feel slightly over whelmed with my step son and I'm on the verge of giving up.

Long story short, myself and my partner have a child each (both 3) from previous relationships. We both separated from our previous partners whilst pregnant. We've now been in each other's lives since the kids were 6 months.

My partner has taken to my child beautifully. My daughter is so loving, caring, well behaved and we've never had any issues with her.

However, his son has always been very very difficult to the point I'm in tears after having him as it's emotionally draining.

From 6 months to this day he's always been very anxious. If his dad even stands up to go to the toilet, he'll kick and scream bloody murder. He gets severe anxiety whenever his dad stands up to walk to the other side of the room and cries for about an hour. The other week his dad went for dinner and it took me 4 hours to stop his son crying in a corner.

In addition to this, he's very aggressive.. he punches, kicks, pinches, bites, pushes and everything under the sun. He's very aggressive with me and my daughter but never his dad. He's very clever and knows to do it when his dads not around.

He's also just started telling me he hates me, tells me to go away and hides under a blanket every time I talk to him. He's ignored me for weeks and not actually said a word to me. His dsd has to stop whatever he's doing to come in and tell his son to eat or whatever it is he needs to do.

I'm so fed up. His dad doesn't help matters as he gives him sympathy when he acts the way he does. Says he's just 'scared' when he tells me to go away. I'm fed up of it! It's not acceptable behaviour and I think his dad should be seriously disciplining him for treating me the way he does. I know he's 3 but he's setting his son up for treating me poorly for the rest of our lives. I no longer want to be in this relationship because I can't stand it. We have his son every full weekend and a day in the week and I dread every second of it.

I also feel his son is clever enough to only do the above whilst his dads not around or in another room. I am not sure if his dad believes me now

OP posts:

kiddo5467 · 06/06/2021 11:30

If his behaviour is aggressive to both his mum and SM and to the extent he's had to leave nursery surely his dad must see that it's not you making this up??

At 3 years old it's unlikely to be that he's "bad" but like PPs have said there will be underlying emotions resulting in him acting up.

His dad failing to recognise the issue PLUS reinforcing the behaviour by giving him extra cuddles and attention directly as a result of him acting up is definitely part of the issue.

tornadosequins · 06/06/2021 11:33

now I’m starting to feel he just hates me and wants his dad to himself

Feeling.

I strongly believe he thrives on it

Belief.

I think he’s just very aggressive and wants to have his dad to himself

Feeling.

I do feel it’s put on and I don’t think it’s an anxiety issue

Feelings.

I could go on. So no, I don't agree that everything you have written about this three year old child who had his most important attachments disrupted at the very beginning of his development is "factual".

You're ascribing a huge amount of malice to a three year old child based on your own emotions. That's pretty shitty, especially for you to then claim you treat him like your daughter.

You are in no way qualified to make the sweeping assumptions and assertions that you have about this very young, developing child.

If you don't understand why comparing your daughter's situation to your partner's son's situation is false and unfair then you should end this relationship before this poor boy suffers more harm. His behaviour is a reflection of how the adults in his life have let him down.

His father needs to step in and step up to care for him. You need to back off and allow that to happen instead of making this innocent child's suffering about your hurt feelings & sense of rejection.

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:41

@TaraR2020. Thank you for this advice. I tried to discuss this with his dad a couple months ago and it didn’t go well. I would love to speak to his mum but feel a bit guilty as if I’m over stepping my boundaries. But I think it’s what’s best for DSS so I will somehow find the courage haha

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivy19 · 06/06/2021 11:43

Thank you everyone who has offered advice and support. I’d also like to say I’m sorry if I’ve given off the wrong impression on my post. It wasn’t intended to be a rant or as if I’m blaming my step son for his actions. I do not believe he is the issue, it’s a lot more deep rooted than that. I am just frustrated and wanted to write a post to get some support and advice to make myself feel better as I’m honestly at witts end. I do want to help my step son but I’ve run out of options, hence why I’ve come on here for support

OP posts:

Branleuse · 06/06/2021 11:49

I think it sounds like a lot of signs that there are additional needs here. I dont think disciplining him is the answer as I think that will likely escalate it in his head rather than help the relationship. You have to think about what you want to achieve and how to achieve it.
His dad should not have gone out for hours for a meal leaving him with you. Im not surprised you are reaching the end of your tether with it, but if his mum cant manage, the nursery couldnt manage and you cant manage then its not him being clever. Its him being distressed when apart from his dad who he seems to see as safe.

In my opinion, his parents need to speak to the health visitor or GP and ask for him to be referred for an autism assessment.
It might be that your husband has to take on the primary caregiving role for his son as if he is so distressed without him, then nothing else is going to work while hes feeling like that.

Embracelife · 06/06/2021 13:07

[quote Ivy19]@Embracelife he did go to nursery but had to leave due to his aggressive behaviour. He is now with a child minder who can devote more time to him which is definitely what suits him most

But unfortunately yes, spitting in my face is a very regular occurrence[/quote]
You need a,referral to child development team and child psychology or education psychology

You need sessions where all are observed and behaviour advice offered
Get hv to refer for assessment
He is not being malicious he is too young
He needs assessment of where he is at development wise and then strategies all can follow

Childns parents will need to seek this referral
There must be report from nursery

bubblebath62636 · 06/06/2021 13:12

He's probably picking up on the fact you think your daughter is so lovely and perfect and he's not. He's 3 for gods sake give him a break.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 13:17

I’m not sure why people are telling you to contact his HV or get him a psychologist. He’s got two parents who need to take responsibility for him care and seek outside help if they want to.

deliciouschilli · 06/06/2021 13:18

It sounds very much like this little one has additional needs.
The strict discipline you want for him would not work and imo. would be cruel.
He needs to be assessed, supported and cared for.
None of the adults here are doing there jobs, his mum and dad need to step up and I'm sorry but I don't think he should be spending lots of time with you for your sake and his.

vivainsomnia · 06/06/2021 13:23

The other week his dad went for dinner and it took me 4 hours to stop his son crying in a corner. this is heartbreaking to read. A 3 year old left to cry for 4 hours. Sorry but this is close to abuse. Why couldn't you call his dad and ask him to come home? Nothing is more important than comforting a child who is so distressed.

You say he was anxious from 6 months old. Some kids are like this. The way to deal with it is not to make they feel that they are a pain because of it, or letting them in distress. You say that you think he is making it up which is really concerning.

Of course the problem is with your partner. He seems very happy to let you take up most of the parenting duties but then trying to blame you for his boy being so miserable. He needs to step up and be there for his boy who is so desperate for his attention.

Notaroadrunner · 06/06/2021 13:27

I agree that it sounds like he has additional needs. It's not usual for a 3 year old to behave like this. You are well within your rights to speak to his mother if your partner is burying his head in the sand. As you have a large role in caring for him you need to know if there are additional needs and how to address them. Tell your partner that you will be speaking to child's mother. If he has had to leave nursery because of his behaviour that's a very big red flag. If your partner does not get on board then I think you should leave him for your sake and your dd. It's not fair on either of you to have to simply put up with his behaviour just because your partner can't be arsed to address the situation.

KeepingTrack · 06/06/2021 13:30

It looks like he has some SN of some sorts if his behaviour is that aggressive that even nursery cant cope.

cansu · 06/06/2021 13:37

It sounds a little like you and his mum are the ones doing the day to day parenting. Does his dad actually spend much time taking care of him and doing the everyday stuff? If he doesn't then this might be why he doesn't see this behaviour. I think the details like the growling and spitting and being asked to leave nursery point to something more than just being badly behaved with you. I really would consider the additional needs. I have experience with ASD and have had children on the spectrum growl and spit when overwhelmed and anxious.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/06/2021 13:48

The poor child clearly has additional needs, and DH needs to step up. Why is it you dressing him and dealing with him? DH should be looking after his own child, and not leaving it to you.
Do speak to DSS's mother, if only because DSS will benefit from consistency across both households, and because maybe outside support should be jointly requested.

FlorenceandZebedee · 06/06/2021 14:03

It sounds like the little one has an attachment disorder. If this is the case strict discipline won’t help the situation. I echo other poster’s advice of him seeing an educational psychologist so that you can find strategies to be used consistently on both homes. If he was asked to leave the nursery did they try and get support for him before doing this? In my experience most early years practitioners would engage local services before they get to the point of effectively excluding a child. I have also seen this, in attachment cases, where the aggression is against women’s rather than men and work needs to be done to help form secure attachments.

Summersnake · 06/06/2021 14:08

My son did all those things and was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD

Guavafish · 06/06/2021 14:21

Where is his father in all this? Why did you have to try and calm him down after 4 hours?

I think the real issue is your partner. He doesn’t want to parent his son. Your partner will not change especially if you’ve already tried to discuss it with him. The child is a reflection of his parents situation.

Nextchapterofmybook · 06/06/2021 14:40

Your partner is the problem.

Carbara · 06/06/2021 14:43

What has your boyfriend done to parent this child? He shouldn’t be dumping the boy on you, you’re not his parent, his father needs to parent, not saunter off for days out/four hour dinners whilst leaving you with his kid. Shame he was busy lining up his next girlfriend after impregnating his last one, instead of taking time to learn how to parent.

BlueDucky · 06/06/2021 15:37

How often is dad not around? He needs to be doing the parenting not leaving it to you.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 06/06/2021 16:28

From the outside looking in it seems that the best thing would be for you and your DD to live separately from your DP and he can come and stay with you when he doesn't have his DS.

His DS clearly needs a lot of time and attention from his Dad that he's not currently getting, plus this seems like an unhealthy environment for your DD to be brought up in when she doesn't need to be.

You can still date your partner, but put YOUR child first and move out.

Getawaywithit · 06/06/2021 16:33

He's 3! He's being passed from pillar to post. Your partner needs to seek professional advice about his behaviour as soon as possible so it doesn't escalate. If your partner won't get him the help he needs, then frankly you have no choice but to either put up with it or cut and run.

Starseeking · 06/06/2021 16:39

It's not the situation that is causing your distress and frustration, or your DSS himself, it is your DP's behaviour.

You have a DP problem if he won't step up and discipline his DS when he needs it, as well as presenting a united front in supporting you.

If there are additional needs to be investigated (given your DSS is unable to attend nursery due to his behaviour), that is also something your DP needs to address, not you.

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