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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Older teen step children and weekend arrangements

38 replies

Nonose · 05/06/2021 14:16

Just out of interest, when do older step children stop coming alternative weekends? My dd is 19 and is away at uni, eldest SS is 18 and will be going to uni in Sept and I can't see younger SS (nearly 16) wanting to keep coming alternative weekends. Do you think it just naturally ends? I can't imagine being 16/17/18 and having to go to my Dads every second weekend like I was 5? Is it wrong to think that way? Anyone with any exeriences? I'm finding weekends hard in all honesty just to the sheer laziness of teens and they spend all their time in their rooms and it hardly seems worth it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Mydarlingmyhamburger · 05/06/2021 14:18

Well there’s not a set rule is there? It depends on the individual. I’ve seen a post on here where a step mums complaining about her oh’s son still staying every weekend in his twenties.

doodleygirl · 05/06/2021 14:21

When my SC were that age the routine stopped and they came and went between us and their mums whenever they felt like. Worked for us.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2021 14:45

It depends really.

My nephews are 20+ (at university) and niece 17 and they still go to their dad's house, but it's not on an EOW basis. They just go when they want to, spending from one to four nights at a time as they all have bedrooms there.

TryingToBeLogical · 05/06/2021 14:54

As a child I continued my every other weekend visit to my father until I turned 18. This was the legal custody arrangement, and everyone in my family honored it. At the time I didn’t particularly want to go, for the usual teenaged reasons. But as an adult I appreciate that people insisted. Otherwise my relationship with my dad might have faded out.

TotorosCatBus · 05/06/2021 15:00

My 18yo works on Saturdays so sees her Dad occasionally on Sundays. He lives close enough to pop over though.

NotMyStory · 05/06/2021 15:02

Dc1 stopped going to the NRP's in the May half term of Yr 12 at 17&1/2. Dc1 has now gone v v LC with the NRP.
15yo Dc2 continues to go, 2 nights a week and half of all school holidays. I don't see it stopping any time soon.

moynomore · 05/06/2021 15:57

I didn't stop until I went to uni. But my parents didn't live far from each other, so I didn't miss out on anything by going. Even if teens are just slobbing around, they're still with the other parent.

kiddo5467 · 05/06/2021 17:26

For as long as the dc wants to (and should be made to feel as welcome as your Dd would have been as they may pick up on you not wanting them to come anymore).

Was it ok while your dd was there and not she's away to uni you're wanting your life back to yourself.

How would you have felt of your DP had expected your dd to stop staying with you when she was 16?

Original poster

Nonose · 06/06/2021 12:54

Interesting comments. @kiddo5467 It actually hasn't been a massive issue since my DD went to uni, but I have more of a relationship with the elder SS and not the younger one who just disengages and is constantly on his phone. He has been the one to say he wants to stay home more (at his mothers), not the older one so I feel that the every other weekend won't continue when he is the only one to come. DH also struggles with him. I don't expect younger SS to stop staying, I just think it will naturally phase out. They are older teens, so we are not tied when they are here, so I'm not sure what you mean by me wanting to have my life back. I do struggle not to be irritated by the laziness when they are here - I would be the same if my DD was the same.

OP posts:

timelord92 · 08/06/2021 13:09

I understand what you mean OP as we have the same thing. My DSD (17) made a point of staying overnight more but doesn't actually engage with anyone. She comes and goes straight upstairs to her room and doesn't interact with her dad or young sister at all. To me too it seems a bit pointless all the backwards and forwards for contact when there isn't really any contact going on as such. I've often thought if she didn't stay the night or have her own room we would spend more time together as she would have to engage with us then.
But I guess it is what it is.

KylieKoKo · 08/06/2021 15:50

I think that this is one of reasons it's better for the children if separated parents to live nearby to each other. DSDs are now young teenagers and they come and go as they please. Being here doesn't mean they can't see their friends as we live about 15 minutes walk from each other. If they have plans they can just go from here or come here afterwards. It also means that going to school from here only takes a bit longer so it's easy for them to stay here in the week. The elder one's best friend actually lives closer to us so she'll often come and stay here after seeing her as she can't be bothered to walk home.

Coffeepot72 · 08/06/2021 17:03

DSS kept a very strict EOW plus one midweek night routine until he went to Uni. The ex insisted on it. If he’d spent five minutes less at our house, she would have applied to have the maintenance re-assessed.

blahblahblah321 · 08/06/2021 17:28

DS is 17 and about a year ago his Dad and I talked about it and decided to stop with any form of routine - so no longer "it's your dads weekend" more along the "you go when you want" . The idea being that DS took control so if he wanted to see his Dad, he arranged it, or if he wanted to see his friends he didn't have to cancel his dad IYSWIM - I thought it would work well in that he may not go for as long, but would see his Dad more frequently.

Up until that point, for the previous year, DS had been going once a month for a fri-sun weekend.

I'm not sure how it works now as I don't get involved, but roughly speaking DS goes to his Dads every 6-8 weeks. Less than I expected, but a lot of the issue is that his Dad still expects full weekends, he doesn't want flexibility - so no option for DS to see both his friends/work and see his Dad. Doesn't work really, but DS is happy with it.

The problem is his Dad also has two other younger children with his ex wife, and he has continued to expect DS to fit in with what suits them..! So he picks them up on a Friday, so if DS goes he has to go the same time they do.

Sittingonarock · 16/06/2021 14:51

It depends on the relationship between the children, the ex and you're DH. Every situation is different. I was desperate for mine to stop visiting. They continue to come EOW despite being adults.

CornishGem1975 · 16/06/2021 14:58

Mine aren't quite there yet but I can see it changing in a year or two. I am happy to go along with what they want, and I think switching around during the week is not what they want.

mommabear2386 · 17/06/2021 10:38

I have SS 15 and 18 and SD 15. Thru always come EOW and holiday they never bail for the friends even when I wish they would sometimes! :)

FishyFriday · 17/06/2021 15:32

@mommabear2386

I have SS 15 and 18 and SD 15. Thru always come EOW and holiday they never bail for the friends even when I wish they would sometimes! :)

Do you think they feel obliged to come?

I know that I very much felt like I had to see my dad EOW as a teenager and that it would not be ok to say I wanted to see my friends instead. Even though i definitely wanted to see my friends instead (he lived on the other side of the city from my mum, and all my friends)

Bibidy · 17/06/2021 15:59

This is an interesting question, I often wonder how this will work with my SC.

I do expect it to sort of peter out but also think my SS especially will feel as Fishy felt - that he can't upset his dad by not wanting to come as often.

But they live a huge distance away (mum moved) so it will always need to be at least an overnight stay.

mommabear2386 · 17/06/2021 21:34

To be honest I think they still want to come and see us which is lovely, they don't mix huge amounts with friends in person which I do find odd and might change now restrictions are easing

Kayjay2018 · 17/06/2021 21:38

@Nonose my DS is 17 but into gaming and not socialising in person. I think he'd still be going to his dads every other weekend but he got himself a part time job so works Friday night and for 7 hours on a Saturday which makes this no longer possible. School lockdown worked for him last year as he just alternated weeks with us (always back for work) but he is really missing his dad now school is back in. He is just spending more holidays there and if he has time off he might go down there. I'm just being really flexible and supporting him where I can. Sadly he doesn't want to learn to drive at the moment!

Original poster

Nonose · 18/06/2021 08:16

@mommabear2386 boys? I have an incredibly social DD but my 2 SS's are not social at all, which I have always found odd too.

OP posts:

Beamur · 18/06/2021 08:21

My DSC are in their mid 20's now and not living at home. They do still tend to divide their parent visiting time quite equally! We live near their Mum (10 minute drive) so it's easy enough. I think they like to see both parents and don't usually combine it with seeing friends. But their friends aren't school/local so much anymore either. As teens they continued to split their time evenly but we said it was up to them but they chose to stay to the same arrangements generally.

ShortRecess · 19/06/2021 22:57

My kids don’t see their dad as he helpfully moved to Scotland, however two of my closest friends with children of a similar age have found that their DCs are staying with their dad more than they did into their teens. In both cases, the parents live close to each other and have good relationships. I don’t think it necessarily tails off. I don’t think they have to be doing anything when they visit to make it worthwhile. My teenage son can disappear and barely speak to us for a few days, it doesn’t mean I stop him living with us 😂

MrsMaizel · 28/06/2021 00:50

All this coming and going when THEY want to is a bit unfair though. Adults have lives too and I much prefer a routine .

FishyFriday · 28/06/2021 14:25

@MrsMaizel

All this coming and going when THEY want to is a bit unfair though. Adults have lives too and I much prefer a routine .

I agree.

I think this idea that it's all up to the kids and their parent should just do what the child wants is actually another manifestation of the same turned upside down dynamics of families after divorce.

There's nothing wrong with learning that your parents gave lives and you have to fit in with that. It won't 'make them feel like they're not part of the family' because it's exactly what happens in families. Surely feeling you must drop everything because they've decided they want to come is the opposite of treating them as part of the family?

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